My ex of 2 years and I broke up officially a few weeks ago after a very roller coaster relationship. He treated me poorly and I was reluctant to leave him and got taken advantage of (controlling, possessive, abusive, selfish.. you name it). I wasn't allowed to talk to any male whatsoever aside from family. He cheated on me last November, and from there it should have completely ended. I feel that from there, our relationship was over and the months after we spent together were empty hopes of mine and convenience for him. He broke up with me after I caught him suggestively texting other girls.. again.. yea HE broke up with ME. But from there, I've finally summed up to courage to finally get my life back. I'm not going to say he was horrible, we had our good times obviously which is why I was with him in the first place, but the bad completely outweighs the good.

It's been a few weeks since we've been together, we haven't talked but a few times. Anyway, I've recently went on a few dates with someone new. So far he's been very sweet and respectful of me. It's a complete turn around, and I finally find myself smiling for no reason again. My family and friends have even noticed the difference... the same people who begged me to stop seeing my ex because they could see the hurt he caused me daily. The only thing I find myself doing that may cause me to second guess anything is that I find myself thinking, "Wow, (my ex) never did so and so for me." And smiling, being happy about it.

I don't want to get into a legit relationship for maybe another month or so. Does all this seem too fast?

I think you're smart for being cautious. Does this person know you've recently been through a breakup? If you explain that you've been through a breakup recently and you want to take things slow, but you enjoy getting to know this person, that there really shouldn't be a problem.

I was in a long relationship and I think I was over my ex before I broke up with him since he had drifted so much toward the end. It's hard to tell if you're over your ex yet or not but getting out and meeting new people isn't such a bad thing as long as you take things slow. You don't want this guy to be a rebound.

Work at a pace that feels right to you. Some people can adjust well, others just "miss" the feeling of having someone. Everyone has their own way of dealing with things, and other ways of handling their emotions. If it feels too fast, slow it down, you are in control here.

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A month and a half ago I got out of a bad relationship which began out with him treating me very well and quickly turning the other direction for the rest of the two years. I've recently began dating someone new and constantly find myself very observant of his actions even though he does treat me well. I feel as though I will anger him for things that my ex would get mad at (such as going out with friends) although afterwards I find it doesn't. I don't feel like he's putting on a front, but I feel like I'm waiting for the good treatment to disappear like my relationship before. So how do I tell if he's showing his true self and is actually a good guy?

Time. If he's still friends with exes or at least communicates with them, that's a good sign too.

Otherwise wait it out. If it starts to turn ugly, get out RIGHT AWAY.

I won't lecture you on staying with someone who's abusive for two years, cause I'm sure you already know how stupid that is.

Take your time getting to know him, and if you see things you don't like, or can't deal with tell him about it. If things don't change, leave.

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Originally Posted by jphorner13

A month and a half ago I got out of a bad relationship which began out with him treating me very well and quickly turning the other direction for the rest of the two years. I've recently began dating someone new and constantly find myself very observant of his actions even though he does treat me well. I feel as though I will anger him for things that my ex would get mad at (such as going out with friends) although afterwards I find it doesn't. I don't feel like he's putting on a front, but I feel like I'm waiting for the good treatment to disappear like my relationship before. So how do I tell if he's showing his true self and is actually a good guy?

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Once bitten twice shy--sometimes when we go through a bad experience,no matter how strongly we deal with it or get over it or come to terms with it,it lingers on at the back of our minds.

A bad relationship makes every new relationship twice as difficult work.Its as if,like you said,expecting something bad to happen.In some cases,almost waiting for it to happen.

Don't pre-empt anything.Be watchful,cautious but also just go with the flow.If this is a good relationship,slowly and gradually,it will erase all the bad memories and one fine day,you will just know he's a good guy and this is a good thing.

I have also found another way to deal with putting behind bad stuff and preparing yourself for the good stuff.Its to keep believing I deserve better and why not?If people around me are succeeding in love and landing great partners,surely I haven't done anything out of line not to have the same fortune,right?

It may take its time,but I'm positive life will bring love to me,in some form or the other.Just keep the faith.

All the best:)

Also, being as you just ended that relationship less than two months ago, I'm sure you are still very very cautious. This will lessen with time and with a good guy.

You were in an abusive relationship that has hardly finished.

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So how do I tell if he's showing his true self and is actually a good guy?

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When you decide never to let yourself be treated badly again. Bad guys teat women badly because those women allow them to. It's up to you, not up to him to treat you well.

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We broke up over a month ago after two years of a roller coaster relationship. We were happy at times, but he was very controlling and jealous. He's done a lot of things to betray me, would constantly break up with me, and I always took him back. This time I didn't. I'm now talking to someone new.. not official yet. He's in a relationship with someone new, who he said he's only with to get over me. We were talking today after a few weeks of not and he was begging for me back. He told me he was sorry he cheated and always lied but since I was his first "real" relationship (he used to date a new girl every week), he thought what he was doing was right because I always took him back. He also thought controlling me was right, as in I lost most of my friends and was never able to go anywhere or talk to any guys. I've now began living my life again, hanging out with people, etc.. and I don't want that taken from me again. He says he's sorry, he's truly changed this time (he "changed" every time he wanted me back) because he's never actually lost me before. He won't treat me like that again, I'm all he thinks about, etc. etc. This is just the general gist, but by this, does he seem sincere or is he just throwing out the lines to get me back because he doesn't have a hold over me anymore.

I don't really think its about what he wants. You sound as if your somewhat over him and have your life back on track and don't want to go back to the way it was with him. If so, then don't. Plain and simple. If your happy with how things are now (and things going well with the new someone your talking to) then who cares what he says/thinks/wants. This is your life so live it the way YOU want!

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Originally Posted by troy70

I don't really think its about what he wants. You sound as if your somewhat over him and have your life back on track and don't want to go back to the way it was with him. If so, then don't. Plain and simple. If your happy with how things are now (and things going well with the new someone your talking to) then who cares what he says/thinks/wants. This is your life so live it the way YOU want!

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I really don't know what I want. I was with him for so long he was familiar to me.. I still love him I can't say that I don't. I felt like it was a constant battle for his affection when I was with him and here he is throwing it out there... in words nonetheless, but still. I'm scared to go back to him and he knows this, I don't want to be hurt that way ever again. If he proved himself I may go back, but I can't go through him letting me down again.

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Originally Posted by jphorner13

I can't go through him letting me down again.

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Then don't. Your so young and there are so many better guys out there. I think you should have yourself a good period on No Contact and see what it can do for you. I did this with my ex who wanted me back badly and I didn't want to go through the issues we had again. And now I'm so much happier. I've met so many new friends and realized there is SO much more out there in life then to be stuck with someone who doesn't treat you the way you want to be treated. I'm sure you love him and still have feelings for you but I can guarantee you there is a man out there for you that will make this guy seem so sub par that you will laugh about the fact you liked this guy! Seriously!

You don't need him to be happy.

It takes time to adjust to being without someone your use to, and care for, but new friends, and activities is a great way to spend that time.

You re right. In this kind of situation we all need o find ourselves and care about ourselves.

You got back on your feet and are rebuilding your life. Don't take two steps forward and three back.
Life is about making choices and living and learning from the consequences. Leave him live with his bad choices --the only way he will learn.

He only wants you now because you're moving on with your life and he knows he can't control you any more. He's actually trying to control you again by telling you he wants you back and that he's changed.

Don't fall for it. He's throwing out the big lines.

You said it yourself - he cheated, lied, controlled you and was jealous. Do you really want to go thought this again?

I'd be saying, thanks but no thanks, see you later and have a great life to him.

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We were together for two years, had sort of a roller coaster relationship. We had plenty of good times together, but he was very jealous, controlling, and cheated. We broke up often, but never fully. Two months ago we officially broke up. He's since gotten a new girlfriend and I've been dating. I've been moving on with my life. I've honestly been much happier since I've been out of the relationship (the way it was left, he lost all respect for me).

He's now asking for me back.. promising he isn't jealous and won't control my life anymore. He says he'll move the world for me, that I'm all he can think about, he loves me. He told me he finally realizes how much I did for him and how much he needs me. I don't know what to believe. We've broken up before, he's spilled the lines, and I've taken him back. But he's never actually lost me until this time. I don't know what to believe. I'm terrified of being hurt again the way he hurt me, but I miss our good times and his family. I'm also seeing a guy a really like a lot and I don't want to cut that short or hurt him or anything. He's probably the exact opposite of my ex.

So, does my ex seem sincere? Will he really change? What should I do?

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Originally Posted by jphorner13

. I've honestly been much happier since I've been out of the relationship

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So you don't want to be happy?

The last few months of our relationship he completely disrespected me. He admitted this to me as well. It was me trying my heart out just to find some kind of affection from him, aside from the things he wanted. I was happy with him, but it seemed like it was only under certain circumstances. I'm happier now because I'm free to be myself... to be able to walk out the door whenever, wherever, without the accusations. I can do whatever I please without someone telling me I can't. For instance cutting my hair a way he didn't like or something. But at a few points in our relationship, he made me feel like I was on top of the world. I would wake up smiling and fall asleep the same away. It's just that I know what he's capable of doing and I guess I haven't let go of the hope that he truly wants to be that way again.

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Originally Posted by jphorner13

The last few months of our relationship he completely disrespected me. He admitted this to me as well. It was me trying my heart out just to find some kind of affection from him, aside from the things he wanted. I was happy with him, but it seemed like it was only under certain circumstances. I'm happier now because I'm free to be myself...to be able to walk out the door whenever, wherever, without the accusations. I can do whatever I please without someone telling me I can't. For instance cutting my hair a way he didn't like or something. But at a few points in our relationship, he made me feel like I was on top of the world. I would wake up smiling and fall asleep the same away. It's just that I know what he's capable of doing and I guess I haven't let go of the hope that he truly wants to be that way again.

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After reading this one post of yours I have something to say. Your crazy to go back to him. Read what you wrote. That's all enough right there for you to know the right choice. You said your with a better guy and your happy with him. Don't chance it for the pain again. He is maybe playing Mr. Smooth with you because some other man has what he used to have. I say he is jealous and wants to break up your happiness with someone else. Just keep looking forward.

I think the new girl dumped him because of him being jealous and controlling and now he wants to come back to you because he can control you and doesn't have to work that hard to get right back into that controlling zone. Do you really think he has changed?

You don't have to write this but think of how many times you went to sleep with a smile and woke up with a smile. And then how many times you went to sleep mad and woke up mad. Which one happened more often.

But he has not lost you.
You still there,thinking this time it will be different.
Unless he has had a personality transplant this is still the same man,with the same hang ups.

You just took the long way round this time to get back to the same place..

Do yourself a favour,read the signs and go left instead of back to heartache city.

You just proved to us that it's a really bad idea to go back to him.

He's in the past. Don't fall into that trap again. Furthermore, I suggest that you go into no contact. Obviously speaking to him again has given you a rush of old feelings back. The more you talk to him, the more confused you will be.

NO CONTACT!

Yes for crying out loud don't fall for his a $$ clown BS. Stay away from this drama.

Guys always say they changed to get you back and within 2 months they are back to their old ways. They don't have a clue what they are doing wrong so they have NO idea what they need to change... so NO he hasn't changed.
If he has changed do you really want to get into the same mess to find out he really hasn't changed even though he comes off that he may have?

Thank you so much for all responses so far.

Until the other day I honestly stuck to myself and turned him down time and time again. For the duration of the break up thus far I talked to him only a few times. Until I actually gave him the chance to talk to me, I was completely moving on with my life aside from the occasional emotional relapse about it all. This has been the only true break up we've ever had. He's never lost me, let alone to anyone else. He says it gave him time to look back on our relationship and realize how ridiculous his jealousy was, and if we got back together he says I'd be able to freely talk to whoever I wanted to as long as I was open with him about it (aside from the guy now). In regards to the guy, my ex also told me I have to choose between continuing talking to the guy or having my ex try to win me back. I see his point on this, but on the other hand.. is it wrong I think he should, considering everything he's told me, be able to try no matter what?

Also I want to add that he tried to get me back before he and his new girlfriend broke up. I was highly reluctant to pursue anything for this reason. The reason behind the break up was his lack of interest in her, he claims she said at least.

This is over!! Quit looking back! It seems you have something good in front of you... why look back? You had a disfunctional relationship anyway!

He had his shot and that's the bottom line...

Let that go... and keep moving forward.

You never want to be with someone that has no respect for you... once you've lost respect everything else goes with it...

Cut off all ties with him... and move on... you don't gain anything by keep looking back...

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How do you tell if you've found a good guy?
A month and a half ago I got out of a bad relationship which began out with him treating me very well and quickly turning the other direction for the rest of the two years. I've recently began dating someone new and constantly find myself very observant of his actions even though he does treat me well. I feel as though I will anger him for things that my ex would get mad at (such as going out with friends) although afterwards I find it doesn't. I don't feel like he's putting on a front, but I feel like I'm waiting for the good treatment to disappear like my relationship before. So how do I tell if he's showing his true self and is actually a good guy?

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Whatever happened to this guy you went out with after your break up??

UPDATE (a very eventful one at that):

So this weekend MAJOR things went down. I crumbled and agreed to go on a date with my ex... that nagging "what if" feeling would not go away. We ended up staying the night together, and he went for my cell phone as he used to daily when we dated. I sort of freaked out because he had no right to try to go through it, we got in a tustle for it, he eventually locked himself in a room and texted the new guy I've sort of been dating. Although he deleted what he sent, from what I understand it was a "i'm with her now, stay away from her or else" text. The guy tried calling and texting but I knew it would only heighten the stress level of the situation to answer at the time. I went into another room, texted him, apologizing insanely. After a night of tension around my ex (he drove to where we were), I got home and received a call from my ex in which he asked if I wanted to try to be together. I told him I didn't know, but I'd let him know that night. During the day I talked to the guy I've been dating if you will, but he was completely mature about everything. He was angry and hurt, but he understood that I was single. Regardless, I felt horrible. What I did just isn't in any way who I am. Anyway, we ended up talking later that day and began to work things out. My ex called later that night to find out my answer, I told him I could not be with him because even if he truly changed and did make me happy on the outside, I'd still feel all the hurt he put me through on the inside. He protested but eventually gave in. That night and the next day I received phone calls and texts beyond belief. At least 100 calls altogether and 50 texts. He's done things like that before, but never to that extent. I didn't respond to anything. The next day he finally texted that if I didn't answer by a certain time, he'd get the picture. Therefore, I didn't contact him. I went to the guy I'm dating's house, turned my phone and silent, and as we were laying there he got a phonecall from a number he didn't recognize, so he ignored it. They called again and he answered, and right away I recognized my ex's voice. He was asking if the guy was home, things like that. I told him it was my ex and asked him to hang up. After he did, my ex called again, this time asking to talk to me. The guy said no, my ex had called his phone. My ex began asking if he was home, telling him to come outside, then he dropped the bombshell.. he was in front of the guy's house. He immediately got up and went outside. I stayed in his room and called my best friend and mom who rushed over. I wasn't outside for what happened, but from my understanding my ex was in his driveway, they exchanged a few words, and he hit my ex. My ex ran down the road, leaving his car in the driveway, telling him he wasn't going to hit him back, even though he was asking for confrontation moments before on the phone. He came back inside and as we thought everything was settling down, the cops knock at the door for him. I again stayed inside because I didn't know what to do. From what I understand, my ex called in saying he was assaulted. As soon as the cops heard that the ex-gf was inside, the knew the entire story. They would tell my ex if he pressed charges he would get counter-charged with tresspassing and harassment. They also told my mom I needed to look into getting a restraining order. I refused, that's not what I'm after and he's in the military and that would really do damage on his life. My ex was told not to contact me, etc. He did contact me, another 60 calls and texts actually, threatening to kill himself, telling me how much he couldn't live without me. I ended up texting his father to have him keep an eye on him, still I hadn't answered. I eventually answered this morning when he accused me of telling the cops he was stalking me. I tried to smooth things over with him, again explaining I couldn't be with him. As far as I know things are getting better now, I only answered this morning. And I don't know if I mentioned I'm pretty sure the guy I'm dating's ex gave my ex his information, but that's a whole different story. Long story, but thank you all for helping me through. I needed the reassurance I was able to receive from everyone.

Have you seriously considered staying single for some time and not get into relationships for now?your ex comes across as a completely disturbed stalker and your present love interest hits your ex-who might he hit next?too much drama all around.

I just hope the life lessons aren't lost on you.

I stopped reading after "I gave in and went out with my ex" Anytime you have to give in to something, especially with an ex, it's not good. And you really think he could change? Come one, not dating and lunges for your cell phone and then fight over it? Violence without a relationship, sounds like a winner