My ex fiancée and I were together for 3 years lived and engaged for the final year. No signs whatsoever she wanted to break up, actually said the night of our breakup she wanted to start having children soon. We went out to dinner where she caused a scene when I asked her to go to a party over the summer with me.( coincidentally the same party a few of my ex's were at last year but I always reinforced that I loved my fiancée, but still made the fiancée insecure). Back to the dinner, she caused a scene where she started yelling at me, I asked her to stop, she wouldn't. So I got up to go to the BR to de escalate the situation. When I return she is still yelling, the waiter looks at me to intervene, but I told my ex that I had no choice but to leave. I walked home and went to bed. 20 minutes later she comes in the house and kicks the door saying that was the lowest thing I couldve done. She had a cell phone she could have called if she was so worried. She was humliating me and I didn't want to disservice the relationship by arguing. She in a rage said she was going to call her mother and call the wedding off which was in Oct. I figured she might have had too much to drink and was using empty threats. Well she did call her mother , broke it off, and said she didn't want to do it but it was too late, her mother wanted nothing to do with our relationship. Now she wants the relationship over but she still loves and is in love with me, but doesn't want to work it out.. Haven't talked in a month, she hasn't contacted me or my family to apologize for breaking off marriage. I want her back, what do I do now?? Just a side note my ex is ivy league educated and an MD..

Why do you want her back? She sounds unstable? Please don't say it has anything to do with the fact that she is ivy league educated and MD.

And why was she even causing a scene at the restaurant? What was that even about?

All the education in the world doesn't excuse stupidity and sub for class when in a public place. Clearly her "IVY" league education didn't help her deal with anger issues nor her insecurity.

If it were me, no way in the world I would want to marry and spend the rest of my life with someone who behaves like that. Imagine what she would do if you did something really bad like leave the toilet seat up or forget your 345th day wedding anniversary.

I think you dodged a big bullet because marriage is easy to get into but hard to get out of.

Marriage doesn't make the problems go away and I believe your ex have always been selfish. Her selfish ways didn't happen overnight.

I must ask you "what type of work do you do?" I only asked because you brought up hers--which wasn't necessary. Her job status doesn't make her better than you nor does it means you must sit around and take her crap.

Her mother was right for not getting involved and if you and your family is waiting for her to apology--your going be waiting for a long time.

In the future remember a relationship takes two in order for it to work, not one. This relationship was lacking a lot but mostly communication among anything.

Great answers seems to be the common responses and thoughts when I have expressed this to family and friends. I also work in the medical field which is how we met. As I said she went ballistic in a restaurant because I asked her to go to a party with me. I am just beside myself as to why she can't even drop a line in an email to say hello and ask how Im doing.. We actually did communicate very well other than some arguments we would get into where she would go into a red zone where there was no talking common sense to her, and if I walked into another room to stop the fight, she would say I wasn't listening to her. There was even a time where she punched me in the face. I sugggested we go to counciling, she was opposed to that. She is a loving person outside of some argument issues. Might I add she is from Puerto Rico so maybe some cultural differences may have come into play. I did have a sordid past, which really seemed to bother her although I never cheated or lied to her. What does the consensus here feel that she will be back to sort things out after a period of no contact?

I feel for you.
Just for information, I have dated an IVY league MD years ago, and mine was disaster. He was extremely controlling, and obsessive / compulsive. I could not deal with it, and ended it.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/dating...-117528-3.html

After that, I dated a well known wall street lawyer from another IVY league school, and he cheated on me multiple times. There was no moral here, and my heart was totally broken. I guess I respected him much. Unbelievable! (This experience struck me, and that's why I found this site indeed)

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ue-353415.html

In my experience, I always have had peaceful relationship, but only 2 people from the IVY league hurt me while I was dating. In my opinion, some smart people think they deserve the best from anyone, anytime, anyhow, and the whole world should work for them to satisfy their desire. These arrogant people act very decent in the beginning (they obviously know how to act and talk), but in fact they have less consideration or patience for others, and very selfish in relationship. Not all smart people are better people in my opinion.

Regarding to marriage, I have been with the down-to-earth type (MBA, but Non IVY league) global businessman for 3 years, married for a year now, and I am very happy and feel lucky. He always proves me I am with someone who cares about me, loves me and respect me as who I am. Happiness is not related to the school class. Marriage is a life time commitment, and I do not want to be with someone who controls me or treats me like a second class citizen. I rather be cherished.

I think you should gain full respect from your ex fiancé before consider marriage. How can you marry someone who does not even respect you? Personality is the most important factor you have to consider when you choose your lifetime partner. Good looking, intelligence, job titles are secondary. I hope she regrets her action, and comes back to you with full respect & love. Good luck!

To answer some who wondered why I put her education and employment was to get the point across as to how my ex fiancée knows how to sacrifice to a great degree and accomplish goals. Im wondering if Im just hoping for something that will not be there because of her will to accomplish goals i.e. in this case , end it forever. But what gets me most is that she wouldn't tell me she's no longer in love with me, she does not want to date other men, but doesn't want to work it out. She says she can't be friends with me because she would want to hug and kiss and that will make it more differcult to stay away because she's in love with me. Im hoping the absence makes the heart grow fonder but its taking its time that's for sure

Thank you Winding 200!

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Originally Posted by pslayne2233

My ex fiancee and I were together for 3 years lived and engaged for the final year. No signs whatsoever she wanted to break up, actually said the night of our breakup she wanted to start having children soon. We went out to dinner where she caused a scene when I asked her to go to a party over the summer with me.( coincidentally the same party a few of my ex's were at last year but I always reinforced that I loved my fiancee, but still made the fiancee insecure). Back to the dinner, she caused a scene where she started yelling at me, I asked her to stop, she wouldnt. So I got up to go to the BR to de escalate the situation. When I return she is still yelling, the waiter looks at me to intervene, but I told my ex that I had no choice but to leave. I walked home and went to bed. 20 mins later she comes in the house and kicks the door saying that was the lowest thing I couldve done. She had a cell phone she could of called if she was so worried. she was humliating me and I didnt want to disservice the relationship by arguing. She in a rage said she was gonna call her mother and call the wedding off which was in Oct. I figured she might have had too much to drink and was using empty threats. well she did call her mother , broke it off, and said she didnt want to do it but it was too late, her mother wanted nothing to do with our relationship. Now she wants the relationship over but she still loves and is in love with me, but doesnt want to work it out.. Havent talked in a month, she hasnt contacted me or my family to apologize for breaking off marriage. I want her back, what do I do now??? Just a side note my ex is ivy league educated and an MD..

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Maybe POISON IVY league, with MD meaning mentally disturbed. It sounds like you got paroled BEFORE sentencing. This is like putting sour milk back into the refrigerator saying"mmm... maybe it'll be better next month" I know it hurts, but you should count your blessings and say a prayer for the next guy. Don't be in a relationship where you have to apologize for the actions of your mate. Good luck...

Communication along with her selfishness made this relationship drown. You might not see it but your making excuses for her.

One thing I learnt about people is that YOU can't change who they are. It is obivious there were issues otherwise you wouldn't have recommending counseling. Again, be glad you didn't married her and the two of you have no kids together.

Now I know many of people from Puerto Rico and her behavior have nothing to do with her culture. It just who she is and there are many people like her from different races and backgrounds so don't blame it on her culture. You need to just place blame on her.

I would suggest that you try and move on. I'm sure she is still in love with you. Love doesn't start over night, won't end over night either. She may be educationally smart but it sounds like she made a dumb move. You seem like a nice guy and you don't deserve to be treated that way. Love hurts and there isn't anything that we can do about that.

Just be happy with the time you had with her and look at it as a learning experience.

I'm sorry that happened to you.

Good luck and best wishes ; ).

Thanks for the advice crisluvsu731!. is it possible to the 180 degrees she has done? Almost like she hates me and Ive done nothing wrong.. Is it a game?? Last month when I talked to her she told me she was moving to Florida or back to Puerto Rico "as fast as I can".. She has the resources to move and still live very comfortably while she waits to find a job at either of those places.. Come to find out she resigned a years lease at where she currently lives and another year contract where she works?? This is contrary to her moving as fast as she can.. I should not call her if she broke off the wedding right?I want her back but not through manipulation.. Could she just be waiting for me to contact her? Sorry for the redundancy..

Well, it's up to you to see if she changes her mind, but you could be waiting quite sometime, who knows how long.

You should just try and move on. If it's meant to be she will come around, if not, then you will be prepaired for it already. I have been in a similar situation and he never came around, and I set myself up, I waited and nothing ever came of it.

Just ask yourself one question though, is she worth it? I know you love her, but do you want to be with someone who over reacts to little things like that? It could get worse if you do get back together.

How old are you?

Sorry that I can't offer more advice, but Hope all goes well in your favor.

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What do I do now??

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Drop to your knees, and pray you found the light, and celebrate the freedom from this educated nut, and get a real life with some one a lot more settled and emotionally stable.

Im 35 never even considered marriage until I met her. I was quite happy in my single life. Do you think she resigned a lease to see if things were going to work out with us? Another incident Im prob reading into is that on 4th of July I get a private phone call at 1230 in the morning. The caller listened for a few seconds and said she dialed the wrong number. I responded by telling her she never asked for anyone, how'd she know. She had a spanish accent. I asked her if the number she was dialing was mine.. again all she said was she had the wrong number... Never apologetic for calling that late and was somewhat rude.. This was a phone number I recently changed because my ex didn't like former gf's trying to contact me.. Coincidence or plain random? Im trying the no contact rule but I'm hoping it doesn't backfire on me. Thanks everyone!

It sounds like you're dating a toddler with an Ivy League education instead of a full-grown woman! Are you spoon-feeding her, too?

In any case, you should realize that if she's throwing temper tantrums NOW, just think of the possible tantrums she would throw whilst married to you. In front of children. YOUR children.

And, she's a quitter! She broke off your marriage after ONE argument! And we all know that quitters never win!

You can say she's got her MD all day, but in reality, you're not married to an MD. You're married to a very immature and irresponsible child.

Once your emotions settle your going see her for what she really was and be glad the relationship is over.

I hope your not keeping tabs on her nor is still in contact with her. You might think you can't survive this but you can and you will but you have to realize that.

Focus on your life instead of hers because your only hurting yourself and prolonging your healing. The emotional wound might be fresh but give it some time heal to heal because it won't happen overnight.

She is a quitter and that's one of the qualities I thought I loved about her.. This wasn't the only fight we've had though.. We wouldn't fight often but as I said she goes into rages where there is no sense talking to her,so the fights were very big ones where one would tell the other to leave the house.. That kind of BS but we would always reconcile..

You thought you loved the fact she was a quitter?

HAHA! That is a riot.. No one of the qualities was that she wasn't a quitter.. Nice pickup..

You like that she's a quitter?

Do you have any respect for yourself AT ALL?

Apparently if you like quitters, you didn't have high expectations (or expectations at all, for that matter) for your relationship.

In that sense, you deserved it!

She sounds like a quitter to ME.

She was awfully in a rush to drop you. Don't miss her. Find someone else that has a spine.

Well, the more you talk about her, the less I think anyone would like. You should just move on and get with someone that deserves you. Sounds like she is just a controlling, immature, little child that needs to work on herself before she starts trying to be with someone. No one should have to put up with that, it's lame.

***I know it's easier said than done, but moving on is the best thing you can do sometimes.

Her heart has to be breaking as much as mine rite? We were supposed to be married in 3 months.. its so crazy to go 100 to 0 like this.. absence does make the heart grow fonder right? You are prob all correct and say the heck with her

Well I am glad to hear you don't like quitters but it is a quality she has. She quits instead of working on a soluation for the problem at hand. If you don't go play by her rules she gets livid and starts acting childish. Not a quality I look for and you shouldn't either. This relationship was loaded with toxic--because of her.

Then you were nothing but an enabler by accepting it which just added fume to the fire because she knew she had wrapped around her finger.

Sometimes when your in love your common sense goes out the door but this isn't good because you start to lose yourself. Now it is time to find yourself again.

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Originally Posted by pslayne2233

her heart has to be breaking as much as mine rite??

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I doubt it! She probably likes to see or knows your feelings down and out. Stop worrying about her and focus on yourself. If you really want her back and the insanity back into your life then I must ask why? Your crazy if you do. You need to go back and read everything you wrote about and then ask yourself "was this what I really wanted in a WIFE?" I hope not!

We both asked ourselves 10 qualities we loved about each other and the commonalities we share. The 9/10 were great qualities the only 1 being bad was non constructive arguing. So I don't think it was all bad. She def didn't meet me half way in that dept. It was always me trying to diffuse a situation.. If that could be fixed we wouldve had a great relationship.. I just hope to get the opportunity to try again.. But Im losing faith daily everyday that passes she doesn't try to contact me the realization sets in that its really over. Even if she saus she still in love with me. Love sucks

Saying I love you, and showing it, are two different things. Don't you know that?

Strong point Taliniman.. There is no doubt in my mind she didn't love me though.. Funny you say that , because she would not reply to anything I asked her about all the good times we shared together. She would just say they were too hurtful to go there. The only thing I can come up with is that she is trying to save face with her family, by that I mean hastily breaking it off, and if she were to go back to me she would look even crazier..?

It doesn't matter why she did anything and what she's thinking now. Trying to rationalize her crazy actions will just get you more confused, and perhaps even give you false hope.

She did it, and you're making excuses for her. She clearly did not care for you as much as you did for her, and it shows in her actions and her swift leave.

Don't give her a muffin, or she'll take the whole bakery!

Now. Write her actions off to insanity and go find someone that you don't have to walk on eggshells for! Rationalizing will get you nowhere, so stop it!

Sounds like she was already having doubts to begin with. If she was talking about babies one hour and yelling it up at you and breaking up with you the next, that's some confusion.

Answering you has nothing to do with family, it looks like she's trying to move on not deal with relationship issues you two were having. It might hurt a lot now, especially 3 months before the wedding, but one day you will be thanking your stars that you didn't wind up married.

Take a few steps back and try to see the things that we're not so great, maybe that will bring you some perspective and help you to move on.

No that's not confusion that's an irrational hot tempered woman. She def loved me enough to say yes to marry me. Torrid 13 you are right, Im just confusing myself.. But I feel like that's what she is trying to do.. Keep me guessing.. I used to date a psychiatrist(crazy as hell) and I talked with her and she feels my ex owes me at least what they call an exit counciling so both parties can understand what happened. So both can heal and maybe trust another person some day.. She wouldn't do it.. Especially considering my ex never consulted me if I wanted to end it. Sensibly I would have said def not... My ex said she did it because I didn't tell her not to..? She won't give me closure for some crazy reason... She said maybe in 3,6 months maybe a year if SHE feels its still worth it she will come back to me. I have relinquished some of the balance back by not contacting her.. Agree?

Torrid13, I plead with her just to tell me that she was not "in love with me anymore".. she said she would be lying if she said that... On top of that she says "you just want me to say that to you to make it easier to walk away"... ahh... yea.. that would help?!

I think she knows that she has you on a string and that she can get you to whatever she wants you to.

I would just not contact her anymore. We all know you can do much better than that.

Move on and find someone worth loving.

You don't need closure, you need to walk away, and let her pay the consequences for her BS. As long as you keep playing her game, you will stay confused. Don't think she is playing a game? Proof,

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She said maybe in 3,6 months maybe a year if SHE feels its still worth it she will come back to me.

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That's an insult, and a direct challenge to you to show you can't doing anything about what she says and does. WRONG! Vanish from her life. No more talk

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I have relinquished some of the balance back by not contacting her.. Agree?

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If you mean your standing up for yourself and refusing to be controlled, dictated to, confused, and insulted, yes.

Its about your dignity, and self respect, not closure.

Taliniman,
I appreciate your candor and your insight.. Its often differcult to see what's really going on when your in the middle of it. Never been in love before and it's a.. How much BS is it when she says she's leaving as fast as she can to FLA or Puerto Rico but re signs a lease and job contract for an additional year? Rite? She has a brother down in FLA and family in PR she couldve stayed with until she found a job down at either of those places.. She has played these kind of passive aggressive games too long. I appreciate your words of strength.

Sorry about the misspelling Talaniman

You want clsosure? Guess what? This is something that everyone don't get. What your friend remmended was totally bogus and you knew your ex wasn't going be up for that because she was unwilling to go to counseling to help save this relationship or change herself.

Your ex is just torturing you by saying she might take you back in 3 or 6 months or maybe a year. She knews you will be foolish enough to wait.

Her break-up wasn't sudden. If you were to go back to read the signs you would have knew. However, you were too used to her bs that it blinded you and robbed you of your common sense. You didn't always play by her rules and you disobeyed her--she didn't like this. She wanted you to be a good little boy by doing what she want when she wanted and was probably used to guys catering to her needs.

Right now your going through the 3 stages of grief--denial, bargining, and depression. You have two more left--acceptance, then letting go. On a side note, you seem to be attracted to professional nut jobs and this is something you need to change. Maybe counseling is order for you from someone you don't know.

liz28 I appreciate your opinion and help but clearly there was no sign of her leaving or wanting to break up. She spent 4000 on a wedding dress which as we know is non refundable, function hall was paid for, etc.. We never had distance or any other behavior such as seeing each other less, making less time for each other, intimacy was still there. Implying that Im foolish to wait for her is kind of abrasive, no? I asked on this site for help not to be vilified as a fool. Are you a licensed Psychiatrist? If your not, Im not sure what makes you feel that "my friend" who is, is bogus.. I respect what you have to say but you are coming off as authoritative without knowing all the facts. No need to kick anyone when they are down, truth or not. Be well