I had a boyfriend for 8 months... we broke up last night, but I have lots of unanswered questions. I was always asking him if he still loves me and if he's happy, I was always getting an assured "yes" answer, he even told me few days ago that "he loves me more now than before." After he received a message from me complaining because of things he was doing that made me feel neglected. He was frustrated because he thought that everything was fine between us.. suddenly he told me that he's not happy and does not love me anymore because when we were about to break up he told me he was not hurting at all... feelings that made him decide to leave me... I was at shocked, he was not able to provide me explanations why and when that weird feelings of him started... so that means he chested me and himself?or he didn't love me at all... im really confuse and seeking for answers I know he can't give... im hurting right now badly.. I can't believe that this happened to us so sudden...

Dealing with break ups aren't fun and they're not easy. Your unanswered questions for him kind of leaves an answer in itself. He no longer wants to be with you and he is ready to move on, for whatever reason.

To be honest with you, you can't fall out of love, or you can't reject hurtful feelings of a break up. Whoever initiated the breakup, both partners will be hurting. Either way, you should do the same and move on with your life now. Do not waste your time thinking about the unanswered questions and the things that are still up in the air. He has no intention of talking to you about it, so don't bother with the questions you have for him.

I know it's easier said then done, but you need to move on without him. With all the things he's said to you, it seems like he's confused if anything. Leave him alone and focus on getting the pieces back in your life. It's going to hurt but don't let it tear you down and get the best of you. Try to get yourself back day by day, and don't worry about him.

Look, in reading your post - please don't be offended - I thought that you sounded a bit demanding...

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I was always asking him if he still loves me and if he's happy..

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Why did you feel the need to continually ask him this? You've only been together 8 months - why didn't you just enjoy his company and have a good time?

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After he received a message from me complaining because of things he was doing that made me feel neglected.

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I don't get it - he tells you that he loves you and that he's happy and you accuse him of neglecting you? What's more you let him know by text?

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He was frustrated because he thought that everything was fine between us.. suddenly he told me that he's not happy and does not love me anymore because when we were about to break up he told me he was not hurting at all... feelings that made him decide to leave me...

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Well, I'm not sure that I blame him for feeling frustrated - sounds as if he tried to do the right thing and you were the one that wasn't happy.

Could I suggest that it might be a good idea to reflect a bit on your own behavior?
It may be that you were asking too much of him and he got sick of it.

Guys don't like lots of demands - they like to feel liked and appreciated.

When you talk to people especially your partner it is all about your tone and wording.

Now you said you felt neglected but why did you have to tell him this over a text message? Why not face to face? Did you make it sound accusing by saying "You never". Using the word "You" can sound like your blaming then. You don't want to place blame when you want a change.

I think besides being demanding you might have bene a little spoiled. When your in a relationship with someone it is all about compromise and open communication. Your partner should be consider your best friend above anything.

Had to spread the rep
Gemini: Good points. It does sound kind of demanding. Good questions as well.

Liz: Good post and good questions.

He might have loved you, but you had only been together for 8 months... how long did the two of you know each other before you got together?

And like Aj said; dealing with break-ups isn't easy. I think that in most cases when one is 'dumped' (broken up with... however you chose to see it) you are going to be stuck with questions, both questions you feel might ease the pain and to get some peace of mind...

He had told you earlier that he loved you, and he might have... or he might have said it to push you away... its hard for me to tell. Seeing as I don't know him, you or your relationship.

It does seem, however, that he has moved on (or at least started to move on) and you should probably do the same.

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Originally Posted by confuse090182

i was at shocked,

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I was not. In fact I was surprised he put up with as long as he did.

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Originally Posted by confuse090182

he was not able to provide me explanations why and when that weird feelings of him started

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Thankfully you have me. The short answer is... Your a nag. Guys (nor girls for that matter) do not like someone that constantly asks them if they are okay, if they are happy, if they are doing something wrong, being told they are doing something wrong, nag, nag, nag. What he did not say to you but was saying to himself was "Shut the hell up already." He didn't say it because he didn't want to be rude. Believe it or not, I'm saying it, not to be rude, but because you have to hear it straight or you'll make the same mistake again with the next guy.

There will be another guy, and what you can offer him is a stronger you and lessons you took from this relationship so the future you and the future relationship are stronger. Don't ask him if he's happy, if he's not he'll tell you. Don't focus on his happiness, focus on yours. Don't complain to him about being neglected, suggest times you can do something. In fact don't complain at all, talk to him like a grown adult and he'll be more open to talking back to you and working out any issue you might have as opposed to shutting down and wanting to get away from you.

Had to spread it Chuff but you are right again.

Nobody likes to be constantly asked "do you love me", "are you sure", "what's wrong", "are you sure" It's nagging. This has nothing to do with your ex, it has to do with your own insecurities and the feeling that he has to validate his feelings for you. You need to work on this, alone and get back your mental health.

Chuff: had to spread the rep... gosh you're funny!! And absolutely make a great point! Well said! No one likes a nag, not when your talking about BF/GF, friends in general or family! (and of course I'm not agreeing to this to be mean either, it is important to realize stuff like this so that one can better it)

Do you feel a need to hear that your SO loves you often?

Eight months is a while for a relationship to last. I think by around month 3 or 4 people stop saying "I love you" so much. Usually in month 1 to 2 they say it a lot because they're flying high on the Honeymoon Period.

If he said it a LOT in the beginning then suddenly stopped saying it in month 1 or 2, I might be a bit worried. Perhaps the relationship was rushed or no stable foundation was built. However, if he stopped saying it around month 3.5-4, then it's probably quite normal.

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Originally Posted by teastalk

Eight months is a while for a relationship to last. I think by around month 3 or 4 people stop saying "I love you" so much. Usually in month 1 to 2 they say it a lot because they're flying high on the Honeymoon Period.

If he said it a LOT in the beginning then suddenly stopped saying it in month 1 or 2, I might be a bit worried. Perhaps the relationship was rushed or no stable foundation was built. However, if he stopped saying it around month 3.5-4, then it's probably quite normal.

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I disagree! Eight months is a short time and you're just starting to get to know a person after that time. I'd be worried if they were saying it a lot in the first few months, because it would most probably be insincere.

The point is, she was the one asking for the reassurance from the start. In all likelihood, he was telling her he loved her to please her. Then it all got too much!

Anyway, that just what I reckon.

Hmm, it is true that if he was saying it a lot in the first few months that it was probably insincere.

I don't know... people usually go on quite a few dates before they decide to get into a relationship. By the time they're in a relationship they should trust and respect the other person.

However! I'm not sure if it depends on whether he or she said it first. If he said it first, I would tend to believe that it was not insincere.

Thank you for all your insights... probably I was not just able to explain myself clearly, he just told me iloveyou without asking 4 hours before I sent him my message... after he read it, that was the only time he told me that he's not sure about his feelings and not sure if he's still happy...

Even if I was asking him often how he feels about me or about us, it was just my way of saying I love him too and base on his reactions I don't think he found that offensive...

Don't get me wrong... I really really appreciate all your advices... I was just hurting that's why it took time before I reply.. at least you guys are willing to share your thoughts about it... but he was not... if only I heard those words from him before, it would probably save our relationship...

My point is... in a relationship, isn't it that you should let your partner knows if there are things that you don't like and give him/her chance to change. I just found it very unfair that he did not let me know those things that you've all said if that's really what he's thinking... I did not cheat him, I tried to be the best girlfriend that I could be.. by this just mistake, he decided to leave me... but then again, I am not sure the real reason since he did not give me any explanation... but I am considering all your thoughts about it.. thank you guys!

When I logged on to Yahoo messenger.. his status message was "Nobody says it was easy...no one ever said it would be this hard..I am going back to the start". After he saw me online.. he deleted his message... I just don't know what he is thinking right now.. I want to move on but to be honest, there is still a part of me wanting him to come back, to have the courage to tell what he feels... I don't care if that will cause me more pain... I just want to stop wondering and hear real answers from him...

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Confuse090182;1757250, my point is... in a relationship, isn't it that you should let your partner knows if there are things that you don't like and give him/her chance to change. I just found it very unfair that he did not let me know those things that you've all said if that's really what he's thinking...

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You are right, communication is really impiortant in a relationship. If we don't tell the other person what we expect and what we want (or don't want), how will the other person know?

Well, I do sympathies with the fact that you want to know what he is thinking and feeling... and that it might be a bit frustrating to not know. But that's just the sad reality of a break up... more often then not, you won't know.

How are you handeling having him on your Yahoo messenger?

That feeling you have where you want him to take to reason, come back and open up... I think that's very common. And the break up is still really fresh and raw... so to want him back at this point. Not that unreasonable. Of course I hope you know that he MOSt likely won't (as sad and hurtful as that may be).

Have you thought about ways to distract yourself from thinking about him? That might be easier said then done at this point, but it might be a good idea... its not going to be that easy for a while, but eventually it'll get better.

Geminie: I agree with you, 8 months FEEL like a long time, but in the scope of things it really isn't. I was in a really serious relationship that ended 2 years back (next month) and it feels like an eternity ago, but when I think about it... 2 years, what's that? (not that it doesn't hurt though after only 8 months and depending on ones age 8 months really is forever.)

Confused: best of luck!

Thanks roxypox!now, I must move on... probably I don't need his explanations anymore once I already moved on..

Once you've moved on, you won't need his explanations any more...

Trust me, after you do no contact, which means delete his stuff(AIM, e-mail, Facebook and myspace) by the time he decides to relieve his guilt and talk to you, you will be so over it. I've been down that road, and it never felt better than to tell my ex "I don't care, you did what you had to do and led to the best woman I could have thought of"

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Originally Posted by Romefalls19

Trust me, after you do no contact, which means delete his stuff(AIM, e-mail, Facebook and myspace) by the time he decides to relieve his guilt and talk to you, you will be so over it. I've been down that road, and it never felt better than to tell my ex "I don't care, you did what you had to do and led to the best woman I could have thought of"

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I like that Rome! It really is the ultimate silver-lining of break-ups.

Your seeking closure and sometimes we don't get that.

Maybe it would be best for you to write a letting go letter. Write down everything you want to tell, even write a draft if you have, then read the letter out loud as if you were reading it to him.

After you read the letter out loud then burn it and cry if you have to but after this letting go ceremony you let go and start your healing process.

No more checking on him online, block him and work on moving on. Don't stay stuck in this moment anymore your only driving yourself mad.

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Originally Posted by Romefalls19

t never felt better than to tell my ex "I don't care, you did what you had to do and led to the best woman I could have thought of"

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Greatness.

Chuff, It truly was greatness, being able to look at her and tell her that. Ahh... brings a tear to my eye ha ha!

This is very simple and straight forward.

You were always second guessing him. Your always insecure. People get sick of that.

Honestly you did this to yourself. You need to figure out why your so insecure and always need reassuring.

I would suggest before you start dating or going out again with anybody that you seek out counseling.

You need to get to the bottom of why you always feel the way you do.

Always second guessing somebody else will damage the relationship. There is no confusion here as to exactly what happened. Honestly 8 months is not a long relationship anyway.

You needed to chill. You did not, kept questioning things for your own personal security for some reason. Now fix yourself up and get to the bottom of the reasons you feel it necessary to always question, and why your always so insecure.

Were there any reasons for you to feel insecure?

Sometimes it's your imagination that something is going wrong and some times it's not. For example, if he never wanted you to go anywhere with him, take pictures with him, or if he didn't ever give you a straight answer for simple questions like his favorite soda pop then I would say that your insecurities were justified. If not, then I suggest you should do as the above posters said.

At first its cute to ask your lover if they love you or are they happy repetitively but over time when things gets deeper and more intimate and the connection is stronger, asking them that makes them feel like all they did for you only left you asking them if they love you or not.

Actually guys, stop saying she brought this upon herself because its not her fault. Its no one's fault that you guys broke up. You need to be forgiving of yourself and accept that it happened because it was meant to happen and not because you ruined it or anything.

No one is perfect in a relationship and sometimes you break up and sometimes you work through it. By breaking up means you weren't compatible with each other and therefore you shouldn't blame yourself. But at the same time you do show some signs of insecurity to some degree.

Although deep inside you might know the answer because he has been giving you the same one but you ask him just to make sure let me guess?

You have gotten your answer. You may not have got all the answers but you got the most important one. He doesn't want to be with you so knowing the answers to the other questions is pointless because he is not going to be in your life anymore so why does it matter?

If it turns out he loves you and he comes back looking for you, get the answers then, if not you don't need them. You need to heal and get on with your life. Stop contacting him and let the emotions bury and be happy without him. You don't need him to live because you still can breathe without him.

Do the things you love and you will meet someone better! Best wishes

- none12345

I'm sure there are two sides to this story. From what has been posted, I can't really blame your boyfriend for getting frustrated with you. You know that he's happy and in love with you, and you send him a text to complain about things he's doing that made you feel neglected.
I think you showed your boyfriend a side of you that he doesn't not want to be a part of. You say you are hurting badly, but I don't think you are the victim here.

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Originally Posted by none12345

Actually guys, stop saying she brought this upon herself because its not her fault. Its no one's fault that you guys broke up.

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I'm going to disagree with you. What she did was similar to the stuff I used to do. Now I never complained, but instead I always was so nice to women they would take advantage of it. My behaviors were the same but the girl was interchangeable. She brought this on herself and it's not insulting or degrading to tell her. Quite honestly, I wish someone had told me when I kept screwing up, because I sure was to stupid to see it. By telling her the truth we are attempting to get her to see that she has an issue or issues that should be resolved before she makes the same mistakes. That is impowering her, not placing fault on her.

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Originally Posted by none12345

You need to be forgiving of yourself and accept that it happened because it was meant to happen and not because you ruined it or anything.

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I agree she needs to forgive herself. There is no reason to beat yourself up over it. But she should also learn from it. If she doesn't learn from it she will just waste years of her life repeating the same behaviors and driving guys away from her. That is exactly what she wants to stop now.

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Originally Posted by none12345

No one is perfect in a relationship and sometimes you break up and sometimes you work through it. By breaking up means you werent compatible with each other and therefore you shouldnt blame yourself.

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Is her ex perfect. Well, she didn't break up with me, so no (IMBD.com comedy expert) and he should have found a way to express this to her. At the same time it's human nature to not want to point out the flaws in others because it's a sensitive subject. The truth is she should have sat her down and said, "I like this and this and this, but I would like you to know how much you mean without asking me all the time, as our time together is proof of that" or something similar. He didn't and instead dumped her and she was confused. I understand that confusion and instead of blaming it on him there is a behavior she needs to correct for the next guy and more important for herself.

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Originally Posted by none12345

But at the same time you do show some signs of insecurity to some degree.

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Agreed. There's nothing wrong with the insecurity, it's just not recognizing it or doing something about it that can lead to problems down the road.

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Originally Posted by none12345

You have gotten your answer. You may not have got all the answers but you got the most important one. He doesnt want to be with you so knowing the answers to the other questions is pointless because he is not going to be in your life anymore so why does it matter?

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From my experience it matters because she can take something from a negative and turn it into a positive. I made the same stupid mistakes over and over and over. It took me years to turn a negative into a positive and I want her NOT to take years.

I agree with you that she should not dwell on it. Mistakes happen, and I know she doesn't see this now, but he's one guy. He doesn't matter in the long run. But what does matter in the long run is what good she can take from the bad and apply it.

Chuff, what I meant was that she it wasn't her fault that things happened the way it did but she did cause it. I don't know if I made sense with that statement though.

And yah I agree that she should learn from this experience and apply to the next to not make the same mistake. The next love will be deeper and stronger it always is.

I can see she is kind of similar as me. We like things done a certain way, well prepared and certain of everything so things go according to plan but I've come to realize that the future is unpredictable and it doesn't always go the way you want it to.

Confuse, by the way I'm not sure we got the whole story here. Is there any more to this or is this the main reason why he dumped you? If it isn't than I think we pretty much got it covered.

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none12345, No one is perfect in a relationship and sometimes you break up and sometimes you work through it. By breaking up means you weren't compatible with each other and therefore you shouldn't blame yourself. But at the same time you do show some signs of insecurity to some degree.

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I have to disagree a little bit here. I was with my ex fiancée for ten years and that was the excuse he gave me about us not being compatible. He and I had things in common, but not much, but we were together ten years. But the real reason is is that he left me for someone else.

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Originally Posted by chuff

I'm going to disagree with you. What she did was similiar to the stuff I used to do. Now I never complained, but instead I always was so nice to women they would take advantage of it. My behaviors were the same but the girl was interchangable. She brought this on herself and it's not insulting or degrading to tell her. Quite honestly, I wish someone had told me when I kept screwing up, because I sure was to stupid to see it. By telling her the truth we are attempting to get her to see that she has an issue or issues that should be resolved before she makes the same mistakes. That is impowering her, not placing fault on her.



I agree she needs to forgive herself. There is no reason to beat yourself up over it. But she should also learn from it. If she doesn't learn from it she will just waste years of her life repeating the same behaviors and driving guys away from her. That is exactly what she wants to stop now.



Is her ex perfect. Well, she didn't break up with me, so no (IMBD.com comedy expert) and he should have found a way to express this to her. At the same time it's human nature to not want to point out the flaws in others because it's a sensitive subject. The truth is she should have sat her down and said, "I like this and this and this, but I would like you to know how much you mean without asking me all the time, as our time together is proof of that" or something similiar. He didn't and instead dumped her and she was confused. I understand that confusion and instead of blaming it on him their is a behavior she needs to correct for the next guy and more important for herself.



Agreed. There's nothing wrong with the insecurity, it's just not recognizing it or doing something about it that can lead to problems down the road.



From my experience it matters because she can take something from a negative and turn it into a positive. I made the same stupid mistakes over and over and over. It took me years to turn a negative into a positive and I want her NOT to take years.

I agree with you that she should not dwell on it. Mistakes happen, and I know she doesn't see this now, but he's one guy. He doesn't matter in the long run. But what does matter in the long run is what good she can take from the bad and apply it.

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Got to spread the rep but what you said is EXACTLY what I would have said. There is no shame, only opportunity to learn, improve, and ultimately be happier. I hope she knows we don't say these things to insult but to honestly help. I'm sure we have all been there, done that at one time or another in our lives.