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confuse090182 · May 25, 2009, 12:24 AM

I had a boyfriend for 8 months... we broke up last night, but I have lots of unanswered questions. I was always asking him if he still loves me and if he's happy, I was always getting an assured "yes" answer, he even told me few days ago that "he loves me more now than before." After he received a message from me complaining because of things he was doing that made me feel neglected. He was frustrated because he thought that everything was fine between us.. suddenly he told me that he's not happy and does not love me anymore because when we were about to break up he told me he was not hurting at all... feelings that made him decide to leave me... I was at shocked, he was not able to provide me explanations why and when that weird feelings of him started... so that means he chested me and himself?or he didn't love me at all... im really confuse and seeking for answers I know he can't give... im hurting right now badly.. I can't believe that this happened to us so sudden...

ajGambino · May 25, 2009, 12:44 AM

Dealing with break ups aren't fun and they're not easy. Your unanswered questions for him kind of leaves an answer in itself. He no longer wants to be with you and he is ready to move on, for whatever reason.

To be honest with you, you can't fall out of love, or you can't reject hurtful feelings of a break up. Whoever initiated the breakup, both partners will be hurting. Either way, you should do the same and move on with your life now. Do not waste your time thinking about the unanswered questions and the things that are still up in the air. He has no intention of talking to you about it, so don't bother with the questions you have for him.

I know it's easier said then done, but you need to move on without him. With all the things he's said to you, it seems like he's confused if anything. Leave him alone and focus on getting the pieces back in your life. It's going to hurt but don't let it tear you down and get the best of you. Try to get yourself back day by day, and don't worry about him.

Gemini54 · May 25, 2009, 01:24 AM

Look, in reading your post - please don't be offended - I thought that you sounded a bit demanding...

I was always asking him if he still loves me and if he's happy..

Why did you feel the need to continually ask him this? You've only been together 8 months - why didn't you just enjoy his company and have a good time?

After he received a message from me complaining because of things he was doing that made me feel neglected.

I don't get it - he tells you that he loves you and that he's happy and you accuse him of neglecting you? What's more you let him know by text?

He was frustrated because he thought that everything was fine between us.. suddenly he told me that he's not happy and does not love me anymore because when we were about to break up he told me he was not hurting at all... feelings that made him decide to leave me...

Well, I'm not sure that I blame him for feeling frustrated - sounds as if he tried to do the right thing and you were the one that wasn't happy.

Could I suggest that it might be a good idea to reflect a bit on your own behavior?
It may be that you were asking too much of him and he got sick of it.

Guys don't like lots of demands - they like to feel liked and appreciated.

liz28 · May 25, 2009, 02:38 AM

When you talk to people especially your partner it is all about your tone and wording.

Now you said you felt neglected but why did you have to tell him this over a text message? Why not face to face? Did you make it sound accusing by saying "You never". Using the word "You" can sound like your blaming then. You don't want to place blame when you want a change.

I think besides being demanding you might have bene a little spoiled. When your in a relationship with someone it is all about compromise and open communication. Your partner should be consider your best friend above anything.

roxypox · May 25, 2009, 03:08 AM

Had to spread the rep
Gemini: Good points. It does sound kind of demanding. Good questions as well.

Liz: Good post and good questions.

He might have loved you, but you had only been together for 8 months... how long did the two of you know each other before you got together?

And like Aj said; dealing with break-ups isn't easy. I think that in most cases when one is 'dumped' (broken up with... however you chose to see it) you are going to be stuck with questions, both questions you feel might ease the pain and to get some peace of mind...

He had told you earlier that he loved you, and he might have... or he might have said it to push you away... its hard for me to tell. Seeing as I don't know him, you or your relationship.

It does seem, however, that he has moved on (or at least started to move on) and you should probably do the same.

chuff · May 25, 2009, 09:26 AM

Originally Posted by confuse090182

i was at shocked,

I was not. In fact I was surprised he put up with as long as he did.

Originally Posted by confuse090182

he was not able to provide me explanations why and when that weird feelings of him started

Thankfully you have me. The short answer is... Your a nag. Guys (nor girls for that matter) do not like someone that constantly asks them if they are okay, if they are happy, if they are doing something wrong, being told they are doing something wrong, nag, nag, nag. What he did not say to you but was saying to himself was "Shut the hell up already." He didn't say it because he didn't want to be rude. Believe it or not, I'm saying it, not to be rude, but because you have to hear it straight or you'll make the same mistake again with the next guy.

There will be another guy, and what you can offer him is a stronger you and lessons you took from this relationship so the future you and the future relationship are stronger. Don't ask him if he's happy, if he's not he'll tell you. Don't focus on his happiness, focus on yours. Don't complain to him about being neglected, suggest times you can do something. In fact don't complain at all, talk to him like a grown adult and he'll be more open to talking back to you and working out any issue you might have as opposed to shutting down and wanting to get away from you.

Romefalls19 · May 25, 2009, 09:31 AM

Had to spread it Chuff but you are right again.

Nobody likes to be constantly asked "do you love me", "are you sure", "what's wrong", "are you sure" It's nagging. This has nothing to do with your ex, it has to do with your own insecurities and the feeling that he has to validate his feelings for you. You need to work on this, alone and get back your mental health.

roxypox · May 25, 2009, 02:04 PM

Chuff: had to spread the rep... gosh you're funny!! And absolutely make a great point! Well said! No one likes a nag, not when your talking about BF/GF, friends in general or family! (and of course I'm not agreeing to this to be mean either, it is important to realize stuff like this so that one can better it)

Do you feel a need to hear that your SO loves you often?

teastalk · May 25, 2009, 09:46 PM

Eight months is a while for a relationship to last. I think by around month 3 or 4 people stop saying "I love you" so much. Usually in month 1 to 2 they say it a lot because they're flying high on the Honeymoon Period.

If he said it a LOT in the beginning then suddenly stopped saying it in month 1 or 2, I might be a bit worried. Perhaps the relationship was rushed or no stable foundation was built. However, if he stopped saying it around month 3.5-4, then it's probably quite normal.

Gemini54 · May 25, 2009, 10:02 PM

Originally Posted by teastalk

Eight months is a while for a relationship to last. I think by around month 3 or 4 people stop saying "I love you" so much. Usually in month 1 to 2 they say it a lot because they're flying high on the Honeymoon Period.

If he said it a LOT in the beginning then suddenly stopped saying it in month 1 or 2, I might be a bit worried. Perhaps the relationship was rushed or no stable foundation was built. However, if he stopped saying it around month 3.5-4, then it's probably quite normal.

I disagree! Eight months is a short time and you're just starting to get to know a person after that time. I'd be worried if they were saying it a lot in the first few months, because it would most probably be insincere.

The point is, she was the one asking for the reassurance from the start. In all likelihood, he was telling her he loved her to please her. Then it all got too much!

Anyway, that just what I reckon.

teastalk · May 25, 2009, 10:17 PM

Hmm, it is true that if he was saying it a lot in the first few months that it was probably insincere.

I don't know... people usually go on quite a few dates before they decide to get into a relationship. By the time they're in a relationship they should trust and respect the other person.

However! I'm not sure if it depends on whether he or she said it first. If he said it first, I would tend to believe that it was not insincere.

confuse090182 · May 25, 2009, 10:54 PM

Thank you for all your insights... probably I was not just able to explain myself clearly, he just told me iloveyou without asking 4 hours before I sent him my message... after he read it, that was the only time he told me that he's not sure about his feelings and not sure if he's still happy...

Even if I was asking him often how he feels about me or about us, it was just my way of saying I love him too and base on his reactions I don't think he found that offensive...

Don't get me wrong... I really really appreciate all your advices... I was just hurting that's why it took time before I reply.. at least you guys are willing to share your thoughts about it... but he was not... if only I heard those words from him before, it would probably save our relationship...

confuse090182 · May 25, 2009, 11:22 PM

My point is... in a relationship, isn't it that you should let your partner knows if there are things that you don't like and give him/her chance to change. I just found it very unfair that he did not let me know those things that you've all said if that's really what he's thinking... I did not cheat him, I tried to be the best girlfriend that I could be.. by this just mistake, he decided to leave me... but then again, I am not sure the real reason since he did not give me any explanation... but I am considering all your thoughts about it.. thank you guys!

confuse090182 · May 25, 2009, 11:40 PM

When I logged on to Yahoo messenger.. his status message was "Nobody says it was easy...no one ever said it would be this hard..I am going back to the start". After he saw me online.. he deleted his message... I just don't know what he is thinking right now.. I want to move on but to be honest, there is still a part of me wanting him to come back, to have the courage to tell what he feels... I don't care if that will cause me more pain... I just want to stop wondering and hear real answers from him...

roxypox · May 26, 2009, 12:36 AM

Confuse090182;1757250, my point is... in a relationship, isn't it that you should let your partner knows if there are things that you don't like and give him/her chance to change. I just found it very unfair that he did not let me know those things that you've all said if that's really what he's thinking...

You are right, communication is really impiortant in a relationship. If we don't tell the other person what we expect and what we want (or don't want), how will the other person know?

Well, I do sympathies with the fact that you want to know what he is thinking and feeling... and that it might be a bit frustrating to not know. But that's just the sad reality of a break up... more often then not, you won't know.

How are you handeling having him on your Yahoo messenger?

That feeling you have where you want him to take to reason, come back and open up... I think that's very common. And the break up is still really fresh and raw... so to want him back at this point. Not that unreasonable. Of course I hope you know that he MOSt likely won't (as sad and hurtful as that may be).

Have you thought about ways to distract yourself from thinking about him? That might be easier said then done at this point, but it might be a good idea... its not going to be that easy for a while, but eventually it'll get better.

Geminie: I agree with you, 8 months FEEL like a long time, but in the scope of things it really isn't. I was in a really serious relationship that ended 2 years back (next month) and it feels like an eternity ago, but when I think about it... 2 years, what's that? (not that it doesn't hurt though after only 8 months and depending on ones age 8 months really is forever.)

Confused: best of luck!

confuse090182 · May 26, 2009, 12:53 AM

Thanks roxypox!now, I must move on... probably I don't need his explanations anymore once I already moved on..

roxypox · May 26, 2009, 01:58 AM

Once you've moved on, you won't need his explanations any more...

Romefalls19 · May 26, 2009, 05:13 AM

Trust me, after you do no contact, which means delete his stuff(AIM, e-mail, Facebook and myspace) by the time he decides to relieve his guilt and talk to you, you will be so over it. I've been down that road, and it never felt better than to tell my ex "I don't care, you did what you had to do and led to the best woman I could have thought of"

roxypox · May 26, 2009, 05:39 AM

Originally Posted by Romefalls19

Trust me, after you do no contact, which means delete his stuff(AIM, e-mail, Facebook and myspace) by the time he decides to relieve his guilt and talk to you, you will be so over it. I've been down that road, and it never felt better than to tell my ex "I don't care, you did what you had to do and led to the best woman I could have thought of"

I like that Rome! It really is the ultimate silver-lining of break-ups.

liz28 · May 26, 2009, 06:00 AM

Your seeking closure and sometimes we don't get that.

Maybe it would be best for you to write a letting go letter. Write down everything you want to tell, even write a draft if you have, then read the letter out loud as if you were reading it to him.

After you read the letter out loud then burn it and cry if you have to but after this letting go ceremony you let go and start your healing process.

No more checking on him online, block him and work on moving on. Don't stay stuck in this moment anymore your only driving yourself mad.