I can't get a person I dated several years ago out of my mind. I've dated quite a bit, even seriously, since then, and I lead a fairly busy lifestyle with enough friends, etc. Is there something wrong with me? Am I just obsessive or is there something to this?

I contacted him recently and he immediately returned my communication. He was excited to hear from me, said he had tried to find me online, mentioned he had changed, and even suggested a casual meeting sometime. We communicated several times in a brief period, with responses from him always being almost immediate. He suggested meeting up one time and I was not able to make it. I later suggested a casual daytime meeting- he said he was busy on that particular day but that he'd love to do it another time. I sent a brief reply note. Now I haven't heard from him in 3 months. What gives?

Our dating did not go very well the first time due to mixed signals/unclear communication. I miss this guy as a person and possibly as a romantic parter but things would have to change for me to go down the romantic road again. Any advice on my next step? Thanks!

Well... first you have to make a choice.

If you don't want to pursue a relationship because you don't trust his ability to change, read the stickies in this forum
Relationships - Ask Me Help Desk

If you think he can change, read those anyway. And then tell us/me what you think you want to do.

There is no next step. The guy hasn't contacted you in 3 months! If he were really interested then you would have heard from him.

Next Step: Find someway to move on with life without having him constantly in your thoughts.
Mark was right, if 3 months have passed without him returning communication, I would say he isn't that interested anymore.

Thanks for your help, everyone!

More info that might be useful:

- the original situation(several years ago) was somewhat casual and I ended it when he was unable to commit to something more serious
- shortly after I(we?) ended it, he stopped by my job and flirted with my coworkers (I was not in that day)
-he called me several months after the fact to apologize for something. I accepted his apology and said I could only be friends for the time being (he hadn't asked if I wanted to date again, so not sure why I said that)
-he had dated a girl for 7 years shortly before our situation

Why I contacted him:
- first and foremost, I wanted to once and for all be at peace with the original situation and understand what happened (perhaps my stupid ego is wondering why I couldn't fully attain him) I am also trying to recognize patterns in my dating life and better understand myself for future romantic situations. If you've seen High Fidelity, this is my "what does it all mean" phase.
-i missed him as a person
- I have some lingering feelings but wouldn't want to date unless he could commit, which I am highly unsure of

Thanks again!

(I posted something similar in another thread but I think this thread is more appropriate, and now there are updates)

I contacted an old flame from several years ago recently and he immediately returned my communication. He was excited to hear from me, said he had tried to find me online, mentioned he had changed, and even suggested a casual meeting sometime the next weekend but I was unable to make it. We communicated several times in a brief period, with responses from him always being almost immediate. He mentioned several times that he hoped to catch up and see me soon. I later suggested a casual daytime meeting- he said he was busy on that particular day but that he'd love to do it another time. I sent a brief reply note. I didn't hear from him for 3 months after that.

Update: After three months, he sent a text about the true source of happiness. I sent a brief reply and said I was happy he was back in my life in some way. He apologized for not having treated me the way I'd deserved, said he had had a lot of growing up to do but that I'd brought him peace in a tough time, and that he missed me. He said we should meet up and catch up soon but didn't set a time. Is he expecting me to do the work? And if so, why?

Thanks for your help!

Sounds like what I say to my old flings.. haha. Well, the reason I do it is to feel her reaction about seeing me again, especially when it's been a long time. Other than that, that's the tone of a playa playa!

My first question is this: What are you expecting to get out of all this?

I think that by knowing your expectations, we can get a more clear idea on how to approach this.

If he can't find a good date to get together, he might be married.

How do you feel toward him?

Are old romantic feelings surfacing because of this recent contact?

If so, you may be expecting too much and may not want to pursue this, since this could not be what you think.

If it were me, and I had ZERO expectations of anything happening, and NO sense of false hope for reconciliation, I would meet up for something casual like coffee or lunch. He would definitely need to do the leg work.

So maybe you should put the ball back in his court and see if he suggests a time to meet and see if that works for you. If he flakes out... then I wouldn't look in to this any further.

Either way you choose. A friendship is the only thing BOTH of you should be looking for and expecting for in this situation.

Usually I would not recommend seeing old partners, however given the amount of time that has passed (years, NOT months or weeks)since the end of the relationship... this could possible work out if both of you are interested in a non-romantic relationship with each other.

In response to kctiger's post, I hope to be at peace with the past and possibly rebuild a friendship. I guess I am also curious to know if he ever loved me- I maybe wouldn't ask it straight out but see if he brings anything up about our past. I wouldn't go into this expecting to rekindle anything, and I definitely would not agree to any physical stuff unless it miraculously turned into a serious relationship down the road.

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Originally Posted by Jane9876

In response to kctiger's post, I hope to be at peace with the past and possibly rebuild a friendship. I guess I am also curious to know if he ever loved me- I maybe wouldnt ask it straight out but see if he brings anything up about our past. I wouldnt go into this expecting to rekindle anything, and I definitely would not agree to any physical stuff unless it miraculously turned into a serious relationship down the road.

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This comment right here leads me to believe you still aren't ready to be around him, nor share a mutual friendship with him. Seems to me you still have unresolved "closure" that you seek, which isn't a very healthy way to walk into a hopeful friendship...

KC is 100% correct. There can be NO remaining romantic feelings from the past if you want this to be a successful friendship. You are already thinking about this friendship going to the next level. All this curiosity will bring up old emotions and damage the friendship, because you will be looking for more than just being friends, which will never work.

This is the EXACT reason why friendships with ex's are difficult to forge... the head and the heart issue always comes into play.

RED FLAG- He waits for 3 months to give you a date to meet, and then disappears again, and your still waiting for him, and hoping for... to find out if he ever loved you??

I would be very cautious if I were you, as you already know he is unreliable, and if he cared so much why isn't he moving things along since you seem ready and eager. This stinks to me. Maybe a fresh new flame is what you really need. Don't let curiosity kill the cat.

These are all good points. Thanks. Thank you for helping me define for myself what this is about. I think, as you said, the biggest thing I seek is closure. I still have unanswered questions about our distant past. Perhaps this kind of discussion is better left to phone or e-mail, so as not to create any temptation. At this point, it probably shouldn't matter why he treated me how he did or what his interest level was, but these questions still plague me. By the way, he was my "first", and he also treated me with seemingly polarized levels of interest when we were involved years ago.. . I assume he just wasn't that into me and/or was a player with a refined game... He had just gotten out of a 7 year relationship when we met so I was hoping it was somewhat circumstantial but now I don't think so.

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He had just gotten out of a 7 year relationship when we met so I was hoping it was somewhat circumstantial but now I don't think so.

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Or you were a rebound that he used to get over his past relationship with, and moved beyond you as most rebounder's do.

I think you let this one go, and leave well enough alone. If he contacts you, be busy like he was, as I see no good in opening old healed wounds for the sake of curiosity, or closure.

When you accept what has happened and move beyond it, that makes you a better person. Don't waste your time with maybes, or what ifs, or whys.

I've written about this before and am looking for updated information. I have a new boyfriend "jake" who treats me with the utmost respect and love... I am lucky to have him in my life.

Prior to meeting Jake, I had reconnected with my "first," "Evan," who was from several years ago. When I was involved with Evan years ago, he made no sense. He would seem extremely interested and then sort of drift away, he would say he wanted something meaningful, that he needed to see the interest from me, etc. but then not always follow up with his actions. He'd invite me to do all kinds of fun things, about 30% of which came to fruition. If I ignored him though, he would call several times or randomly show up at my workplace to get my attention. (ego?? )... looking back, he was probably just not that into me...

Recently, we reconnected through a mutual friend. He seemed very excited to catch up, invited me to join him for an event (but I couldn't go), emailed me several times, apologized for having been a jerk, said he missed me, etc... but again he didn't really follow through with his words in terms of actually meeting up. Then, he deleted me from a social networking site.

If I didn't want to reconnect with someone, I don't think I'd mention, on several occasions, meeting up... it's one thing if the other person brings it up and you are like "yeah, yeah sure, sounds fun...let's do that some time...(riight)"...

I feel horrible letting this guy get under my skin, especially since I have a wonderful boyfriend, but I just want to know what his deal is! Why does he feel the need to be so over-the-top with "missing me", wanting to "meet up and catch up" etc. if he has no real desire to do so? He is not even reliable on a friend level, and since meeting Jake, I see there is no reason to be with someone like Evan.

I know the best thing to do is just forget about this guy all together and not let this bother me but I am having a horrible time doing so. I just want to know if he says all of these flowery things because he thinks there is a chance he will get "action" from me, if he is genuinely confused (doubt it) or if he just doesn't know how to tell people the truth if he fears it will hurt their feelings.

If I can't just forget about this, what is my next best plan of action? Ask him what his deal is? We know a couple mutual people... could I ask them is he is a player or the kind of guy who doesn't know how to tell people the truth for fear of hurting them?

Thanks for your advice!

Hi,

I am in a relationship with a wonderful man. I have been living in a large city in the east coast for several years and have been seriously considering moving back to a large city in the midwest where I am from to settle closer to my family and roots. When I first met my boyfriend, I shared this desire with him. He is new here from the west coast and said that now that he has come here, he thinks he can move anywhere. He has since said he would follow me to my home city, if I wanted him to.

Now, he has an opportunity to open a business here on the east coast, and he is in a very specialized field. He has the support and financial backing of an east coast company so this offer is hard for him to refuse. He said he considered me in his decision to look into opening a store here, and that he hoped he would be a good salesman (in getting me to stay here with him).

Since he's starting a new business, he'd be here probably at least five years, and being that I don't want to settle here, I don't love this idea. If I still want to move home to be closer to my family, does this mean he is not the one for me? Should I be willing to move anywhere for "the one"?

Thanks all.

I think he's keeping you as a backup if he ever decides he needs you , you seem to be interested otherwise I would say it wouldn't bother you and it sounds to me like he knows this , that's why he keeps baiting you to keep your interest.

I would ignore him next time he tries to contact you and I reckon he will then try again a few times until he realises he's not getting a bite.

Why even risk losing something good you have now for the uncertainty of someone unwilling to give you his all.

That's just my take on it.

You need to talk to him about it and see where it goes from there. If being close to your family is what you want, do that.

It may be a choice really - what is more important - your relationship with the BF or the relationship with the family?

Part of being in a relationship is understanding that our partners do not meet all of our needs - even if they are the 'one' - whatever that means!

Clearly your needs are more complex than just living on the east coast with your BF. The love and support of family and friends is important for most of us, so it's understandable that you would also feel this way.

Talk to your BF. The best thing is to be open and honest with him about your dilemma. It may be that you can both come up with a creative solution rather than it being moving or staying.

Update: I seem to have forgotten about this site and your good advice. I was still upset/confused as to why he deleted me on myspace and eventually started to see how erratic and unpredictable his behavior/sentiment toward me is. He later subscribed to my YouTube account, and I was thinking, " this guy can't make up his mind- he is nuts!" Then I got excited again. Grr. I did not subscribe to his page but a couple months later sent him a quick text, and he did not respond. I think it is the baiting/testing my interest again.

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Originally Posted by Jane9876

Update: I seem to have forgotten about this site and your good advice. I was still upset/confused as to why he deleted me on myspace and eventually started to see how erratic and unpredictable his behavior/sentiment toward me is. He later subscribed to my youtube account, and I was thinking, " this guy can't make up his mind- he is nuts!" Then I got excited again. grr. I did not subscribe to his page but a couple months later sent him a quick text, and he did not respond. I think it is the baiting/testing my interest again.

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I'm glad your catching on ;)

I am wondering how to get over/find closure with someone (also the first guy I slept with) from the distant past (5-6 years ago) who I seem to be obsessed with. Let's call him E. The problem is, right now, I don't think I truly WANT to get over him because I still hope there are feelings on his end, and that he would treat me with respect if we talked about the issues we had when we were involved and if I apologized for my half of the problems. So far, I have been trying to "play it cool" by contacting him in a casual way and catching up and hoping to rebuild some kind of rapport before bombarding him with closure questions and sharing the fact that I still may have feelings for him. He initially was very receptive but now perhaps has caught on to my hidden agenda and seems to be playing mind games with me (apologising for not having treated me better, saying he misses me, deleting me from his myspace, subscribing to my YouTube channel, ignoring me..? ). This man is in his mid-thirties, too, so I feel this passive communication is a bit odd.

I know you will likely advise just moving on and finding someone who WILL treat me the way I deserve. This makes sense to me. I think the problem is that I could talk to this man on a level of spiritual and philosophical depth that I have not found with anyone else. Our "connection," from my end anyway, was stronger than I have ever experienced. It has been several years since I've been involved with this guy, and I have dated several people, some seriously. I have a boyfriend now who would give anything for me, and I feel guilty having these feelings about another man. I also wonder if that means I should truly be with my current boyfriend. I feel like if "e" would treat me well, I would consider giving up the respectful and sweet guy I am dating now in favor of the "connection".

So my question is two-fold:
1) I feel like if I found out what truly happened that made the situation with E end, it might help me compartmentalize the situation and move on. I have drafted a non-attacking letter to him apologizing for some of my actions at the time and asking him if he remembered what he was experiencing/ how he felt at the time. Is this a good idea to send, even if it is more for my peace of mind/getting it off my chest than for the actual answers? (athough I would love the answers if he would be kind enough to respond)

2)Also if I knew 100% that E really does not have any feelings for me, I would know there is no point in thinking about him romantically and could move on. I feel it is essential I find this out, as my current boyfriend wants to get engaged and I am wondering if my attachment to E is part of what is holding me back.

Sending the vulnerable letter above would make me look pathetic to E but it might help me feel better and move on... at the same time, since I feel I still love E and would consider dating him if he treated me well, would I ruin my chances of him ever wanting to pursue me if I sent this letter? i.e. there would be zero "chase"

Any other insights on the whole thing?

Thanks so much for your patience in reading this long passage. Thanks for your help.

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Originally Posted by Jane9876

1)Is this a good idea to send, even if it is more for my peace of mind/getting it off my chest than for the actual answers?

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Do not send him a letter. If you do anyway, expect to see him running speedily away from you into the night.

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2)Also if I knew 100% that E really does not have any feelings for me, I would know there is no point in thinking about him romantically and could move on. I feel it is essential I find this out, as my current boyfriend wants to get engaged and I am wondering if my attachment to E is part of what is holding me back.

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This is for a romance novel, right?

I don't even know where to begin to answer your second question. I do know I feel really sorry for your current boyfriend. Give up men for a while and work on yourself. Find out who you are and learn to love, honor, respect yourself.

How about seeing a counselor for a few sessions to figure out how to get closure and to move past E. Whaddya think?

It's something I have considered. I may try it as nothing else seems to be working. It doesn't help that E keeps "baiting" me. If he would just have a heart and quit leading me on it would help... but hopefully I can become smart enough not to fall for it and see him for who he is. Thanks again guys!

Jane

A lot of people don't get closure from their Ex , so sometimes you have to do it yourself. The fact is this guy is playing with your emotions because he knows he can , and your fueling it by allowing him to. If he wanted to be with you he would , that's the bottom line , and that fact should be enough to be able to give yourself that closure.

I (like WG) also feel for your current BF , you really have to decide whether this guy is the one or not , and then do whatever is needed for his sake. Because it's not fair to play with another persons emotions while yours are all skewiff.

Anyway that's my opinion and I really wish you all the best.