Ok, My first question on this site was asking if I should break off my relationship with my girlfriend for keeping our relationship a secret from her parents. To sum it up, we are both 37, have children of our own, and one child together. We were living together for the past two years, and recently separated due to finances and not getting along. We still love each other very much, and are trying to get our lives together so we can be together again. A week ago we decided to meet up and spend some time together. We were both so happy. We had a few drinks, then went to the movie theater. When we got there, I asked if her parents were watching the baby for us and she said yes but they didn't know she was with me. She also told me they didn't know we were trying to work things out. I immediately left and went home and haven't talked to her since. Yes, it was very childish of me to do that. Thank you again Taliman for the help on that one!
Anyway, after seeing the error in over-reacting when it was brought to my attention, I really need help with the apology, and explaining myself for my quick tempered, bad behaviour. I have since found out through a mutual friend of ours that she is still deeply in love with me and the reason she has not told her parents of us trying to work things out was to let old wounds heal and be sure we were on the right track before she brings it to the surface with her parents. Ladies, I love this woman with all of my heart, and I don't know how to approach this. Most likely I will have to do this by phone or E-mail. We have had so many problems in the past and I don't want her to think that we can't continue to try to work them out due to my stupidity. I really need her to feel secure that I love her and sometimes make dumb mistakes. And I can now also understand her reasoning. Thank you.

Dear ex,

I am such a boob for acting like an idiot. I know it only makes things so much worse. I am just so frustrated having to live without you, and hiding US from the world. Please forgive me, as its hard to be happy when that happiness isn't here.

Love

The dumb boob who acted like an idiot.


**No Charge**

I think you should say it in person- rather than emails or texts- as it will be more meaningful to her face to face

Thanks again talaniman, and thank you zeeniee for your input, but unfortunitaley due to our conflicting schedules and distance, we do not get much time together right now and I do not want to wait till then to take care of this, even though in person is the right way.

I'm still looking for some female opinions, especially related to how she may feel in all this and what other possible reasons she may have. I know we can't read her mind, but some female perspective would still be helpful. Thank you

I think A good starting point is to do some very honest talking with each other and identify your problems between you both and then start working out how you can resolve your issues LONG term in a realistic manner.

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Originally Posted by zeeniee

I think A good starting point is to do some very honest talking with each other and identify your problems between you both and then start working out how you can resolve your issues LONG term in a realistic manner.

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Your absolutely right, and we have done so since we left the townhouse in Mechanicsburg a few months ago. But it was a total shocker to me to learn that she has been keeping our reconciliation from her parents till that night, which by the way was two Fridays ago. All the time before that, she never mentioned it once. Would have been nice to know before our little date.

Number one- it's her you want, not her parents. You could maybe explore the reasons she doesn't tell. What is her relationship with her parents like?

The old wounds? What we're going to do? If you live with a foot in the past and a foot in tomorrow, you piss all over today. She needs to forgive and let it go. On the other hand, it may be a lame excuse. I'd say you've apologized enough.

Thank you dullath, but how have I apologized enough? I liked your analogy about foot in the past, foot in the future.

She has a very tight and dependent relationship with her parents. They pretty much blame me for all that has happened, I think due to her complaining to them about everything but failing to point out what she did to cause problems. I sort of feel used as a scape goat for her shortcomings. And still really haven't decided if I want to apologize at all.

I think you should for now focus on her and the kids- worry about the family later on. I am sure once you guys sort your issues out- the family thing will just fall into place with time.
Worry about what is most important to you.PERIOD

I know zeeniee, but since we haven't talked since then, I have so many conflicting things going through my mind. I'm really starting to ask myself a lot of questions I haven't before.

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Originally Posted by nike 1

Thank you dullath, but how have I apologized enough? I liked your analogy about foot in the past, foot in the future.

She has a very tight and dependant relationship with her parents. they pretty much blame me for all that has happened, I think due to her complaining to them about everything but failing to point out what she did to cause problems. I sort of feel used as a scape goat for her shortcomings. And still really haven't decided if I want to apologize at all.

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Sounds like her arrested development prevents her from resolving her issues on her own. Please tell me she doesn't live with her parental units. I'm worried her connection to them is still with the umbilical cord dude and you will always be under them in her eyes. Too bad.

You apologized when you said you were sorry. IF, AND ONLY IF you meant it.

Maybe you should sit down with yourself and start from the beginning and make a huge list of what is bothering you, what you want to sort out, and what your not willing to sort out? I think you need time on your side to work out whatever questions are coming your way that you have not though of before... WORK ON yoU FIRST and then on your relationship- might be a good way forward?

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Originally Posted by dullath

sounds like her arrested development prevents her from resolving her issues on her own. Please tell me she doesn't live with her parental units. I'm worried her connection to them is still with the umbilical cord dude and you will always be under them in her eyes. Too bad.

You apologized when you said you were sorry. IF, AND ONLY IF you meant it.

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I always meant my apologies to her. I love her more than she will ever know. She is with her parents now till we get things straightened out financially. Her parents always seemed to bail her out of everything. Like the time she totalled her car, they bought her a new one, or when she slide the new one by some pine trees, because she was drunk and dosing on percocets, they had it fixed and let her continue driving it. Kind of get the picture there? And they always made excuses for her.

Whatever you do, and however you do it, the most important thing is to make her feel like she has no fault at all (she sounds pampered). To ensure this, do not say BUT and be sincere.

I know you wanted a woman's opinion. Hopefully this helps anyway.

Your right, when it comes to her mentallity, almost sounds like you know her personally, however, I'm wondering that if I do, than maybe I'll only be reinforcing her way of thinking.

I think it is unhealthy if your partner is v dependent on her parents- then this issue/problem will come again and again...

The bottom line is that this is your relationship not the parents and more importantly you have a child to think about.
THE CHILD has to be your top priority!

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Originally Posted by zeeniee

Maybe you should sit down with yourself and start from the beginning and make a huge list of what is bothering you, what you want to sort out, and what your not willing to sort out? I think you need time on your side to work out whatever questions are coming your way that you have not though of before...WORK ON yoU FIRST and then on your relationship- might be a good way forward?

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This is something I'm doing now, but wonder how long she will wait to hear from me.

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Originally Posted by nike 1

Your right, when it comes to her mentallity, almost sounds like you know her personally, however, I'm wondering that if I do, than maybe I'll only be reinforcing her way of thinking.

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You will be reinforcing it, no doubt about it. The problem is that she doesn't think she's spoiled so she doesn't feel like she is that way. You however, accept this about her and are obviously willing to overlook this and love her anyway. At the age of 37, I doubt she will change at all. But maybe I'm wrong. In any case, if this is something you don't mind dealing with then you're going to have to approach it in that way. I know it's hard to deal with but it's probably the only way.

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Originally Posted by zeeniee

I think it is unhealthy if your partner is v dependant on her parents- then this issue/problem will come again and again...

The bottom line is that this is your relationship not the parents and more importantly you have a child to think about.
THE CHILD has to be your top priority!

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Oh, he is by all means, which I can't uderstand that if she and I agreed that this past year was a failure due to uncontrollable circumstances, in other words, not blaming each other, and she still loves me so much and claims I'am her soulmate and wants to get married , etc. etc. then why would she keep this feeling hidden from her parents, and her friends probably too?

Hey Nike1,
I don't mean to sound cruel, but I think you have to :

Start with YOU
Worry for YOU + the kids
Do what you have to do to get your life on track.

Stop wondering about her for now- focus on YOU and the kids.

One thing at a time- and take your time.

Maturity and sensiblity will speak in time

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Originally Posted by itried

You will be reinforcing it, no doubt about it. The problem is that she doesn't think she's spoiled so she doesn't feel like she is that way. You however, accept this about her and are obviously willing to overlook this and love her anyways. At the age of 37, I doubt she will change at all. But maybe I'm wrong. In any case, if this is something you don't mind dealing with then you're going to have to approach it in that way. I know it's hard to deal with but it's probably the only way.

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Your probably right. She will never change, especially if I give in again. But I'm wondering if this no-contact stuff I keep hearing about will work in this situation. Let's say I don't call, e-mail or anything else, think it might make her think twice? Think she will start thinking that I'm not the same anymore, that I just won't give in like before. What do you think? Or do you think I still owe her an apology for that night?

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Originally Posted by nike 1

Your probably right. She will never change, especially if I give in again. But I'm wondering if this no-contact stuff I keep hearing about will work in this situation. Let's say I don't call, e-mail or anything else, think it might make her think twice? Think she will start thinking that I'm not the same anymore, that I just won't give in like before. What do you think? Or do you think I still owe her an apology for that night?

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I do think that you slightly over-reacted to her by leaving at the theater. It would only add more pressure on her if she went home to her parents and they knew she was seeing you. Can you imagine all the question she would be bombarded with by them? So, I understand where she is coming from. In your case, the no contact thing probably won't be as effective because there is a kid involved and practicality precludes NC. If you have to see her, just let it be in relation to your children and don't talk about the problems you two are having. She has to come around on her own. She won't want to get back together if she feels like she has to apologize to get there. It's just in their nature.

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Originally Posted by itried

I do think that you slightly over-reacted to her by leaving at the theater. It would only add more pressure on her if she went home to her parents and they knew she was seeing you. Can you imagine all the question she would be bombarded with by them? So, I understand where she is coming from. In your case, the no contact thing probably won't be as effective because there is a kid involved and practicality precludes NC. If you have to see her, just let it be in relation to your children and don't talk about the problems you two are having. She has to come around on her own. She won't want to get back together if she feels like she has to apologize to get there. It's just in their nature.

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I think you are right and have made some good points here. Maybe I'll apologize for my behaviour, and see what she says. I also think zeeniee made some good points with concentrating on getting myself together, and maybe not worry so much about the parents issue. It's just that I haven't had to deal with something like that since I was like 12 or 13. Women do seem to have that no fault nature, don't they?

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Originally Posted by zeeniee

Hey Nike1,
I don't mean to sound cruel, but i think you have to :

Start with YOU
Worry for YOU + the kids
Do what you have to do to get your life on track.

Stop wondering about her for now- focus on YOU and the kids.

One thing at a time- and take your time.

Maturity and sensiblity will speak in time

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I think this is good advice, and I think I can incorporate this with some of the things itried said to come to some way of dealing with all this.

Yeah, they do seem to have a no-fault clause built into them. It seems like you were on the path to reconciliation before the theater incident. So maybe apologizing for that will open a dialogue which leads to the solving of other problems. But to start, I would just begin by apologizing for that one incident. Then just see how she reacts. If you two get together again, there has to be some remorse from both of you.

In the meanwhile, just try to find answers to all the questions which have sprung up. Let her do the same and take it slow.

Your right itried, and that's exactly how I'am going to go about this.

I would like to thank you all for your concern and advice. It has all been very helpful.

itried-zeeniee-dullath-talaniman, thanks again

I will keep you all up to date on the process on this thread. And I look forward to helping all of you with your questions and concerns as well.

Ok, a woman's opinion... and, funny enough, I'm a woman who hid a relationship from my parent for two years. Know what? It ended VERY badly.

I think you need to be firm in what you believe. Honestly? In my opinion, the whole leaving-when-you-found-out-that-she-hadn't-told-her-parents thing was not too far-fetched. You were frustrated that she wasn't "man" enough to tell her parents that she was with you. Maybe you reacted out of anger, but you were right.

If there was one thing I learned from my time of hiding my relationship from my family, it's that NO good can come of it. She needs to own up her OWN feelings and tell her parents that she is trying to work on the relationship between her child's father and herself.

My opinion? She doesn't want to lose the support and she knows that if she decides on you, she will lose their constant bail-outs.

She needs to know that you're not willing to be hid from her parents. It's that simple. She has to grow up and decide what she wants.

It's a hard choice, but I made it.

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Originally Posted by HistorianChick

Ok, a woman's opinion... and, funny enough, I'm a woman who hid a relationship from my parent for two years. Know what? It ended VERY badly.

I think you need to be firm in what you believe. Honestly? In my opinion, the whole leaving-when-you-found-out-that-she-hadn't-told-her-parents thing was not too far-fetched. You were frustrated that she wasn't "man" enough to tell her parents that she was with you. Maybe you reacted out of anger, but you were right.

If there was one thing I learned from my time of hiding my relationship from my family, it's that NO good can come of it. She needs to own up her OWN feelings and tell her parents that she is trying to work on the relationship between her child's father and herself.

My opinion? She doesn't want to lose the support and she knows that if she decides on you, she will lose their constant bail-outs.

She needs to know that you're not willing to be hid from her parents. It's that simple. She has to grow up and decide what she wants.

Its a hard choice, but I made it.

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This is exactly how I felt that night, and still struggle with now! Was I really wrong of how I re-acted? Do I really owe her an apology? I appreciate every viewpoint every one on here has given. And I'am slightly compelled to apologize and accept her ways, but something after all we've been through tells me not to. I want things to be right with each other, but I just can't understand why she feels we need to keep things in the dark! I was always there for her, I wasn't some bad, abusive guy. She claims I'm the love of her life, her soulmate. Then why cover it up? I really do feel it has a lot to do with her dependency on her parents, and they never seemed to want her to have a life of her own. By the way, she is an only child of their's. Throughout our relationship, there were red flags all over the place. Eveyone I knew told me to get away from her. But when she got pregnant, I just wanted a family again. I never wanted my wife to leave, but that was just 13 years in the making. I really didn't love my wife, and I can't blame her for leaving. But I loved having a family. When I met Kelly, we fell in love immediately. And to have a child together was all that much more to me. Her parents were so against it. They wanted her to get an abortion. She even started feeling that way. I came to a hard decision and told her that if she does, I could in no way stay with her after doing such a foolish thing and could never look at her the same way. She decided to keep the baby and stay in the relationship with me. I sold my house, got another management position that paid very well, and moved in with her to begin our new family. Things went bad this past year, she put me through so much drama that I lost my job. Because of that, I've had a hard time acquiring another. I tried so hard. I just don't know what to do. I still think there may be some hope for us, but I just don't know what I should do. Part of me says take it like a man, but the other part of me says don't let her get over on me again. I guess there is no point in hiding it from all of you anymore, I guess what I'm trying to say is I'am scared to make a decision on this! I don't want to lose the love of my life, but I also don't want to be a thing of convenience to her. I'm having such a hard time with this. Either way I go is a life changing risk in which I fear the outcome.

I understand exactly what you are saying, and as a woman that has been in the shoes of this girl, I know what she is feeling.

I would venture to say that she loves you, loves being with you, loves the concept of a happily-ever-after with you, but also feels a tremendous sense of familial "duty." She feels that if she chooses you, she will lose her family; if she chooses her family, she will lose you. She doesn't want to lose her family, their support, their bail-outs, her history, but she also doesn't want to lose the relationship that she could have with you.

The one thing that she hasn't yet realized is that she is a MOTHER. She can no longer think of what she wants and what is best for her (bailouts or relationship), she needs to start thinking and acting like an adult and making adult decisions.

I think, in my opinion, you need to talk to her. You need to tell her that you can't go on like this. You can't go along with being the secret boyfriend. You HAVE a family. You made a child. She needs to decide whether she wants a family or if she wants to let her parents run her life.

IT is going to be a very hard decision for her, but she needs to grow up.

I don't think that you need to apologize. Honestly. I don't. She probably feels like you do because you are forcing her to confront her issues. But that's what should happen.

She can't have her cake and eat it too because it is tearing you up.

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Originally Posted by HistorianChick

I understand exactly what you are saying, and as a woman that has been in the shoes of this girl, I know what she is feeling.

I would venture to say that she loves you, loves being with you, loves the concept of a happily-ever-after with you, but also feels a tremendous sense of familial "duty." She feels that if she chooses you, she will lose her family; if she chooses her family, she will lose you. She doesn't want to lose her family, their support, their bail-outs, her history, but she also doesn't want to lose the relationship that she could have with you.

The one thing that she hasn't yet realized is that she is a MOTHER. She can no longer think of what she wants and what is best for her (bailouts or relationship), she needs to start thinking and acting like an adult and making adult decisions.

I think, in my opinion, you need to talk to her. You need to tell her that you can't go on like this. You can't go along with being the secret boyfriend. You HAVE a family. You made a child. She needs to decide whether she wants a family or if she wants to let her parents run her life.

IT is going to be a very hard decision for her, but she needs to grow up.

I don't think that you need to apologize. Honestly. I don't. She probably feels like you do because you are forcing her to confront her issues. But that's what should happen.

She can't have her cake and eat it too because it is tearing you up.

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You are so right. I can understand she needs help right now from her parents. I'm not trying to take away from that. I just don't understand why she feels the need to hold her feelings back. I know that her parents would not kick her out if she expressed this to them. I feel you need to be honest with what you hold in your heart. And if she can't do that, it makes me wonder how she really feels. I know I need to explain all this to her. I'll probably send her an e-mail, just don't know exactly what to say yet.

The only thing you need to really worry about is being a good man, and a good father, and don't let any ones attitude change that goal, to hell with them, and what they do, as you know what you have to do.

The rest is not your problem, but somebody else's.

Focus on that and let 'em b*tch.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

The only thing you need to really worry about is being a good man, and a good father, and don't let any ones attitude change that goal, to hell with them, and what they do, as you know what you have to do.

The rest is not your problem, but somebody else's.

Focus on that and let 'em b*tch.

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I'am a good father and a good man, I don't doubt that for one second! This isn't that kind of an issue, I know who I'am. I'm sorry, but I really don't see how this pertains to my situation. No offense.

I don't know... I'm still not seeing where you need to apologize.

Maybe you were a real jerk when you got up and left, but to me, it seems like you're just fed up with being a secret.

And that is not wrong.

You're going to resent it until you are no longer a secret, clandestine boyfriend.

You're right, you do need to talk to her. I'd do it in person though...

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I really don't see how this pertains to my situation.

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Maybe I wasn't clear, its not your problem what she does, thinks, or what you want her to think. Her actions are her own.

Gee whiz, apologize and do what you have to, what's all the pomp and ceremony about. If you were as good a man as you think, why even apologize. Why are you dragging yourself through this emotional mess?

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Originally Posted by HistorianChick

I don't know.... I"m still not seeing where you need to apologize.

Maybe you were a real jerk when you got up and left, but to me, it seems like you're just fed up with being a secret.

And that is not wrong.

You're going to resent it until you are no longer a secret, clandestine boyfriend.

You're right, you do need to talk to her. I'd do it in person though....

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No, I wasn't a jerk at all! I just left. But I can't do it in person from reasons I've stated earlier, and I don't want to in person anyway. If she wants to continue holding secrets, than that's fine, I won't be a part of it. It's really her choice as far as I see it. She can have it either way. I'm debating whether not contacting her at all would do any good or what to say in a message if I do decide to tel her how I feel.

When you pick up your child for visitation or pay child support, what do the parents think - or say? Or aren't they involved in that?

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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

When you pick up your child for visitation or pay child support, what do the parents think - or say? Or aren't they involved in that?

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No

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Maybe I wasn't clear, its not your problem what she does, thinks, or what you want her to think. Her actions are her own.

Gee whiz, apologize and do what you have to, whats all the pomp and ceremony about. If you were as good a man as you think, why even apologize. Why are you dragging your self thru this emotional mess?

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It is my problem what she thinks. I love her, she says she loves me, and we are in this relationship together. Her actions affect this relationship, affect me and any other part of our lives. And do what I have to do? I think that's why I posted this, to try to figure it all out. And I'm "dragging myself through this emotional mess" because it is all a mess, and I'm trying to get some help and input to help straighten this mess out and put it all into perspective. I'm just not sure what to do yet tala.

Your split from your g/f, due to finances, made worse through over reacting.

On some level you two are not working together, and she needs her family to support her, and her kids. Apologizes with your actions, by getting your own finances together to support your kids.

The rest is feelings, let them go, and focus on what those kids need, and the hell with the adults.

Focus on what's really needed, putting yourself on a solid foundation as the relationship is secondary at this point.

Leave whatever her, and her parents are doing out of your business. Trust me when you stop tripping on what motivates her thinking, and decisions, you will end this confusion and your course will be clearer.

I have been through your threads a couple of times now, and everyone agrees that you need to be solid, and able to care for your kids, and let the rest go until after you take care of your personal business.

So why are the finances so bad?

Since I was laid off at the end of 2007, I've had a hard time getting another job. When the unemployment compensation ran out, we were living on what she made alone, which wasn't a whole lot to pay everything. Anyway, I was a construction manager for the past 6 years. I made a high salary and great benefits. Since then, and due to the economy, construction has declined, leaving a whole lot of guys like me looking for work. The few positions in my career had hundreds of applicants, and others that I applied for I was basically told I was too over qualified. I worked here and there some temp stuff, but there wasn't much. I've been busting my butt since to try and make it happen again. I'm still doing the same. I don't know why, all I know is I try everyday. Finances were a definite problem for us.