Check out some similar questions!

nike 1 · Jan 17, 2009, 04:18 AM

Ok, My first question on this site was asking if I should break off my relationship with my girlfriend for keeping our relationship a secret from her parents. To sum it up, we are both 37, have children of our own, and one child together. We were living together for the past two years, and recently separated due to finances and not getting along. We still love each other very much, and are trying to get our lives together so we can be together again. A week ago we decided to meet up and spend some time together. We were both so happy. We had a few drinks, then went to the movie theater. When we got there, I asked if her parents were watching the baby for us and she said yes but they didn't know she was with me. She also told me they didn't know we were trying to work things out. I immediately left and went home and haven't talked to her since. Yes, it was very childish of me to do that. Thank you again Taliman for the help on that one!
Anyway, after seeing the error in over-reacting when it was brought to my attention, I really need help with the apology, and explaining myself for my quick tempered, bad behaviour. I have since found out through a mutual friend of ours that she is still deeply in love with me and the reason she has not told her parents of us trying to work things out was to let old wounds heal and be sure we were on the right track before she brings it to the surface with her parents. Ladies, I love this woman with all of my heart, and I don't know how to approach this. Most likely I will have to do this by phone or E-mail. We have had so many problems in the past and I don't want her to think that we can't continue to try to work them out due to my stupidity. I really need her to feel secure that I love her and sometimes make dumb mistakes. And I can now also understand her reasoning. Thank you.

talaniman · Jan 17, 2009, 09:58 AM

Dear ex,

I am such a boob for acting like an idiot. I know it only makes things so much worse. I am just so frustrated having to live without you, and hiding US from the world. Please forgive me, as its hard to be happy when that happiness isn't here.

Love

The dumb boob who acted like an idiot.

**No Charge**

zeeniee · Jan 17, 2009, 10:04 AM

I think you should say it in person- rather than emails or texts- as it will be more meaningful to her face to face

nike 1 · Jan 19, 2009, 09:05 PM

Thanks again talaniman, and thank you zeeniee for your input, but unfortunitaley due to our conflicting schedules and distance, we do not get much time together right now and I do not want to wait till then to take care of this, even though in person is the right way.

I'm still looking for some female opinions, especially related to how she may feel in all this and what other possible reasons she may have. I know we can't read her mind, but some female perspective would still be helpful. Thank you

zeeniee · Jan 19, 2009, 11:28 PM

I think A good starting point is to do some very honest talking with each other and identify your problems between you both and then start working out how you can resolve your issues LONG term in a realistic manner.

nike 1 · Jan 19, 2009, 11:34 PM

Originally Posted by zeeniee

I think A good starting point is to do some very honest talking with each other and identify your problems between you both and then start working out how you can resolve your issues LONG term in a realistic manner.

Your absolutely right, and we have done so since we left the townhouse in Mechanicsburg a few months ago. But it was a total shocker to me to learn that she has been keeping our reconciliation from her parents till that night, which by the way was two Fridays ago. All the time before that, she never mentioned it once. Would have been nice to know before our little date.

dullath · Jan 19, 2009, 11:55 PM

Number one- it's her you want, not her parents. You could maybe explore the reasons she doesn't tell. What is her relationship with her parents like?

The old wounds? What we're going to do? If you live with a foot in the past and a foot in tomorrow, you piss all over today. She needs to forgive and let it go. On the other hand, it may be a lame excuse. I'd say you've apologized enough.

nike 1 · Jan 20, 2009, 12:03 AM

Thank you dullath, but how have I apologized enough? I liked your analogy about foot in the past, foot in the future.

She has a very tight and dependent relationship with her parents. They pretty much blame me for all that has happened, I think due to her complaining to them about everything but failing to point out what she did to cause problems. I sort of feel used as a scape goat for her shortcomings. And still really haven't decided if I want to apologize at all.

zeeniee · Jan 20, 2009, 12:04 AM

I think you should for now focus on her and the kids- worry about the family later on. I am sure once you guys sort your issues out- the family thing will just fall into place with time.
Worry about what is most important to you.PERIOD

nike 1 · Jan 20, 2009, 12:15 AM

I know zeeniee, but since we haven't talked since then, I have so many conflicting things going through my mind. I'm really starting to ask myself a lot of questions I haven't before.

dullath · Jan 20, 2009, 12:22 AM

Originally Posted by nike 1

Thank you dullath, but how have I apologized enough? I liked your analogy about foot in the past, foot in the future.

She has a very tight and dependant relationship with her parents. they pretty much blame me for all that has happened, I think due to her complaining to them about everything but failing to point out what she did to cause problems. I sort of feel used as a scape goat for her shortcomings. And still really haven't decided if I want to apologize at all.

Sounds like her arrested development prevents her from resolving her issues on her own. Please tell me she doesn't live with her parental units. I'm worried her connection to them is still with the umbilical cord dude and you will always be under them in her eyes. Too bad.

You apologized when you said you were sorry. IF, AND ONLY IF you meant it.

zeeniee · Jan 20, 2009, 12:22 AM

Maybe you should sit down with yourself and start from the beginning and make a huge list of what is bothering you, what you want to sort out, and what your not willing to sort out? I think you need time on your side to work out whatever questions are coming your way that you have not though of before... WORK ON yoU FIRST and then on your relationship- might be a good way forward?

nike 1 · Jan 20, 2009, 12:34 AM

Originally Posted by dullath

sounds like her arrested development prevents her from resolving her issues on her own. Please tell me she doesn't live with her parental units. I'm worried her connection to them is still with the umbilical cord dude and you will always be under them in her eyes. Too bad.

You apologized when you said you were sorry. IF, AND ONLY IF you meant it.

I always meant my apologies to her. I love her more than she will ever know. She is with her parents now till we get things straightened out financially. Her parents always seemed to bail her out of everything. Like the time she totalled her car, they bought her a new one, or when she slide the new one by some pine trees, because she was drunk and dosing on percocets, they had it fixed and let her continue driving it. Kind of get the picture there? And they always made excuses for her.

itried · Jan 20, 2009, 12:42 AM

Whatever you do, and however you do it, the most important thing is to make her feel like she has no fault at all (she sounds pampered). To ensure this, do not say BUT and be sincere.

I know you wanted a woman's opinion. Hopefully this helps anyway.

nike 1 · Jan 20, 2009, 12:47 AM

Your right, when it comes to her mentallity, almost sounds like you know her personally, however, I'm wondering that if I do, than maybe I'll only be reinforcing her way of thinking.

zeeniee · Jan 20, 2009, 12:47 AM

I think it is unhealthy if your partner is v dependent on her parents- then this issue/problem will come again and again...

The bottom line is that this is your relationship not the parents and more importantly you have a child to think about.
THE CHILD has to be your top priority!

nike 1 · Jan 20, 2009, 12:49 AM

Originally Posted by zeeniee

Maybe you should sit down with yourself and start from the beginning and make a huge list of what is bothering you, what you want to sort out, and what your not willing to sort out? I think you need time on your side to work out whatever questions are coming your way that you have not though of before...WORK ON yoU FIRST and then on your relationship- might be a good way forward?

This is something I'm doing now, but wonder how long she will wait to hear from me.

itried · Jan 20, 2009, 12:52 AM

Originally Posted by nike 1

Your right, when it comes to her mentallity, almost sounds like you know her personally, however, I'm wondering that if I do, than maybe I'll only be reinforcing her way of thinking.

You will be reinforcing it, no doubt about it. The problem is that she doesn't think she's spoiled so she doesn't feel like she is that way. You however, accept this about her and are obviously willing to overlook this and love her anyway. At the age of 37, I doubt she will change at all. But maybe I'm wrong. In any case, if this is something you don't mind dealing with then you're going to have to approach it in that way. I know it's hard to deal with but it's probably the only way.

nike 1 · Jan 20, 2009, 12:53 AM

Originally Posted by zeeniee

I think it is unhealthy if your partner is v dependant on her parents- then this issue/problem will come again and again...

The bottom line is that this is your relationship not the parents and more importantly you have a child to think about.
THE CHILD has to be your top priority!

Oh, he is by all means, which I can't uderstand that if she and I agreed that this past year was a failure due to uncontrollable circumstances, in other words, not blaming each other, and she still loves me so much and claims I'am her soulmate and wants to get married , etc. etc. then why would she keep this feeling hidden from her parents, and her friends probably too?

zeeniee · Jan 20, 2009, 12:54 AM

Hey Nike1,
I don't mean to sound cruel, but I think you have to :

Start with YOU
Worry for YOU + the kids
Do what you have to do to get your life on track.

Stop wondering about her for now- focus on YOU and the kids.

One thing at a time- and take your time.

Maturity and sensiblity will speak in time