My boyfriend and I have a very unususal story, he met me when I was 8 months pregnant, but he didn't care, we started dating and since I used to live 2 hours away from him, he asked me to move closer to him (not with him, but closer to him). I had a beautiful baby girl now. His kids live with him every other week, and since I couldn't find any good place yet, I'm living with him every other week, the week that he doesn't have his kids of course. The other weeks I stay at a hotel with my baby.
He tells me its too soon for his kids to know, and Iunderstand that, but he tries to hide me from anyone, his neighbors, his family, his friends... and let me tell you... Im not bad looking at all. The other day we were driving around and we saw his ex-wife and he asked me to hide. We had a huge fight. Ive tried to leave him like 6 times but he always begs me and cries and tells me that he loves me... whats wrong with this guy?

This raises more questions than answers for me at the present time.
If a man hides a woman from family and friends even though he is divorced, there is something wrong.. he could be in a custody battle, financial issue that he does not want to jeopardize, but he should at least be open and honest with you instead of just insisting point-blank that you need to stay in the background.

How does he treat you when you are together? Has he talked about future plans? Does he expect you to stay in the hotel without going out and making new friends? If so, he's the controlling type and needs some professional help.

I would ask him to talk openly about what his major fears are and ask if you can help, but if it causes more trouble and sacrifice on your part, I'd rethink the situation and look for someone who will be proud to present you to public and family. We are not in the dark-ages where the 'mistress' has to be kept secret - so communication and trust are crucial at this point or you will constantly be compromizing.

Is this all worth it to you? What in the world is so special about him that you are willing to go along with his 'rules'?

Honey, you are worth more than that.

Good luck, and keep us posted.

You and your daughter deserve more than a 'hide-and-seek' life.

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If he loved you, cared about your feelings, and respected you and your child, he wouldn't ask you to hide from the people in his life. Are you sure this girl is his ex-wife? And if she is, are you sure he is not holding on to hopes of still being with her and his children? A man that "LOVES" a woman, would NOT let her stay with her baby in a hotel room, while he has his children over to his house, and would not embarrass you by making you hide.

You are letting him call the shots, and you will be sorry for that in the long run. Love isn't just a "feeling" that you have. There are many different aspects to a long term happy relationship. Do you really want to settle for someone that makes you hide? You might be too close to the situation to realise this, but there is something shady going on here for sure!

Thanks for the input. He tells me that his ex-wife might use our relationship as en excuse to get full custody of the kids, but they've been separated for more than 2 years now. So, maybe he will never be able to have a normal oper relationship with anyone? He also says his mom wouldn't understand my situation, since she's very religious and he's trying to find the best moment to tell her about me. Every time I've tried to leave him he tells me I should give him more time until he feels completely comfortable with me. The other day we had a fight cause Im not allowed to answer either the phone or the door at his house (no one knows Im living with him everuother week), and he gave me a sutpid reason for that, he told me collectors might be calling looking for his ex-wife and I wouldn't know what to say. Right now, he's on the beach with his family (kids, mom, sisters and brothers in law), while Im in a hotel room with my baby.

Honey, if I were you, I'd move back to family and friends. He has a lot of baggage that he needs to sort out and not expect you to help him carry it.

It is unfair of him to expect you to give up a life just to wait for him. Even if you don't have many friends at home, you can still go out and meet people and take a nice walk with your baby instead of staying hidden where you are unhappy. It's also not the best environment for the baby to be growing up in right now. Your child needs to feel love and security - not stress. And, if you are nursing just think of how weak milk produced by a mother with doubts and stress is like.

I would tell him to get his stuff together and contact you again if and when he has his life balanced enough to concentrate on you. Besides, a grown man with children should not worry about what his mom's opinions about his life or partners are.

It is time for you to do what is important for you and your baby's wellbeing - that's what's under your control.

Again, good luck dear.
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Wow, this relationship raises so many red flags it's more like the red sea!! Get out of that house before he gets home.

He is not only very controlling, but very manipulative, and may be potentially dangerous. I thought the situation was strange until you cannot answer the phone or the door. Those two red flags right there tell me how controlling he can be.

Now, from another point of view. Think about your daughter. Be your daughter for a minute. She should have a home, have safety and security. She should not be moving from one place to another every other week.

She needs stability, and this is NOT stability. Forget about this man who may be in your life forever (he won't I can promise you that) and pay close attention to your daughter who WILL be in your life forever. She is what should be important to you. Not this jerk.

She would get full custody because he's a married man. You're dating a married man. Separated is "cloak and dagger" terminology for "not really available".

Knowing that, it makes perfect sense. You're not as important to him as his kids, and that's the way it should be. You are endangering his link to his kids. Is that OK with you? Really?

If you're continuing to date him suddenly put your daughter at risk, would you keep doing it? Forget why/how it endangers her, just pretend it did. Would you date a married man if doing so risked you losing your daughter?

Until they get divorced and an official legal decree outlines his rights as a joint-custody parent, he is at the mercy of his wife's good graces. THAT'S WHY HE'S HIDING YOU.

Now, stop pretending this is hard to understand. This is the situation you've chosen. If you love this guy you will help him protect his relationship to his children. You're a parent. You know that.

So sorry for your situation. Do you have family or friends you can go home too, if you can't afford to be on your own? Why are you living in a hotel? My heart goes out to you! I don't think much of him for hiding you, with his family and friends. When a guy loves a woman he has nothing to hide, whether you have a child or not. I give you all the credit in the world for raising your baby by yourself. You need to be up front and honest, once and for all. Tell him your not hiding and what's up with the every other weekend?

Thanks a lot!! Your input really opened my eyes. I deserve better. I was thinking on waiting until he gets back from his vacation next week to talk to him and tell him bye and explain the reasons that Im leaving, but I think I will just go back home and disappear from his life. I think he would know why I left. What do you think?

Im from South America, I moved to the US 7 months ago and I don't have any family or friens here. I used to rent a place before moving to his city

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Originally Posted by Ximenita

My boyfriend and I have a very unususal story, he met me when I was 8 months pregnant, but he didnt care, we started dating and since I used to live 2 hours away from him, he asked me to move closer to him (not with him, but closer to him). I had a beautiful baby girl now. His kids live with him every other week, and since I couldnt find any good place yet, im living with him every other week, the week that he doesnt have his kids of course. The other weeks I stay at a hotel with my baby.
He tells me its too soon for his kids to know, and Iunderstand that, but he tries to hide me from anyone, his neighbors, his family, his friends....and let me tell you....Im not bad looking at all. The other day we were driving around and we saw his ex-wife and he asked me to hide. We had a huge fight. Ive tried to leave him like 6 times but he always begs me and cries and tells me that he loves me....whats wrong with this guy?

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As a man I can give you a male perspective on this situation... RUN... run fast and ignore any patter, begging,excuses, emotional blackmail etc. Your daughter is the most important thing and while you focus on this guy and his twisted ways it will do you and therefore her no good,and I'm sure your'e worth more. Good luck!

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... whats wrong with this guy?

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He has a hidden agenda that is not in your best interest. I don't think he is being honest at all with you, nor will he be!

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Your input really opened my eyes. I deserve better.

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Yes you do, and so does your child. Much better! Stop listening to his lies and excuses, they are said to control and manipulate you to keep you where he wants you.

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I think I will just go back home and disappear from his life. I think he would know why I left. What do you think?

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He deserves nothing from you at all, and your disappearing from his life is a great course of action to protect you from him in the future. Let his a$$ wonder. THATS WHAT HE DESERVES!

He's already divorced, he was separated for two years, but he's divorces right now and there's already an official legal decree giving him the joing custody, so that's not the reason he's hiding me. Ive seen the papers.

He just says his ex could go to the judge again ant try to revert this in case she finds out she's dating me... THATS RIDICOLOUS and yes, its still hard to understand.

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He just says his ex could go to the judge again ant try to revert this in case she finds out she's dating me... THATS RIDICULOUS and yes, its still hard to understand.

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Take this as a preview of life with him, RIDICULOUS, and hard to understand

I am sorry, there is some lie this man is not telling you. And to be honest I am not sure I would believe some papers he showed me for sure.
Sorry but he is either still married, or he has no real interest in having you full time in his life.

You good enough to sleep with, but not good enough to let people know about you.

Sorrry you should move back to where your family is at perhaps, and never ever see this man again.

I would go back home and just forget about him. Wow, South America and you were all by yourself without any family or friends. Your one strong person and you can do it without him. I am sure your family will love your baby, just like you do. You do, deserve so much better.

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Originally Posted by Ximenita

He's already divorced, he was separated for two years, but he's divorces right now and theres already an official legal decree giving him the joing custody, so thats not the reason hes hiding me. Ive seen the papers.

He just says his ex could go to the judge again ant try to revert this in case she finds out shes dating me...THATS RIDICOLOUS and yes, its still hard to understand.

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The way he's treating you sends off so many sirens, he should be wearing a flashing red light on his head! If he and his wife are in fact divorced, he should have every right to be in a new relationship, and unless there is another reason you aren't telling us, I can't see a reason why a judge would change his custody rights. Maybe the reason you have to leave every week is because he has to have "supervised visitation", and someone else needs to stay with him when he is with his kids!? Maybe he has talked some other girl into staying in a hotel room every other week? The reasons he gives you for not answering the phone or the door is ONE BIG FAT LIE!

He is lying to you about something! Maybe many things! That you can know for sure! He is obviously a very controlling and manipulative man too! Pack up your things and RUN like hell from this man! Your baby is not safe and secure around him, in my opinion!

Best of Luck to you!

Any guy that tries to hide his relationship with others, have no good motives. Assert yourself and live him alone. Never commit yourself to anyone who's not willing to do the same. If something don't makes sense then its usually a lie and a liar can't never be trusted.

You have other things to workout for in your life and the first is finding a more suitable place to live for you and your daughter. You satifice too much already by moving closer.

I believe he still have something going on with his wife or someone else. Your no dummy, I'm sure if a collector call for his ex-wife, your know what to say. Don't let him get you caught up in his web of lies because it might cause you a lot of drama and heartache in the long run.

OK, so from now on you won't ever call him separated again, right? He's divorced, means something completely different.

Well, that changes things. He is definitely hiding something FROM you, although he is trying to convince you it is YOU he's hiding. It's not. There's something else going on.

You're kid and you need people in your life who are proud to know and claim you. Run, don't look back. Better people off in the distance waiting to meet you.

He just called and I didn't answer. I decided to move back to my country without telling him

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Originally Posted by Ximenita

He just called and i didnt answer. I decided to move back to my country without telling him

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Good for you , I think that's the right decision. You have an obligation to your daughter to bring her up in a safe and happy environment , which this situation isn't.

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Originally Posted by Ximenita

He just called and i didnt answer. I decided to move back to my country without telling him

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I'm sorry that this man turned out to be such a jerk to both you and your baby! Just know that you are so much better off! Set your standards higher, for the good of you and especially your baby, that deserves to grow up with a male figure in her life that loves her and will welcome her as his own. You haven't mentioned anything about your baby's father, so I am assuming he is out of your life at this point in time.

If your daughters' father is willing to step up and take responsibility, by all means let him be in her life. I'm only saying this if he is a safe and secure person to be around her. Otherwise, cut your losses, and try and find a decent man who will stick around and be willing to be a real father and set an example for your little girl, and respect you, and be proud to introduce you to his family and friends. Don't settle for anything less!

I'm happy to hear your decision, and I wish you and your daughter all the best luck and life that is ahead of you! :)

I'd say he's looking for reconcilliation with his ex, and you are just convenient.

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Originally Posted by Ximenita

Im from South America, I moved to the US 7 months ago and I dont have any family or friens here. I used to rent a place before moving to his city

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Honey, no matter where you are from, you now are a mother of a US Citizen and you should do your best to find a safe and secure environment and a job to independently pay the rent and bills. It is your responsibility to take care of your child's need first - you opted to keep it, so the responsibility goes along with it.

You can probably find a shelter where they can help you seek a place to live and a job. Then, you could also find a single-parent group - and believe me, there are single dads also - and might be able to make friends, share babysitting time so that you can go out now and then and find new friends. There are many possibilities, just go ask or look for them and stop thinking that this 'dude' will eventually make your future all better. Your future and that of your daughter's is in your hands and the more secure and independent you get, the better choices you can make in the men you choose to have in your life from now on.

If you do leave before he gets back, at least leave him a letter letting him know that you could not live the way he expected you to and that he should get his life in order.

Again, good luck - and don't be too proud to ask for assistance wherever it is available for you and your daughter.

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What made you come to America and just leave your family? You have nothing to be ashamed of, you have a beautiful baby girl? Just leave the boyfriend behind, and think of you and your daughter, that's what important now, not him, you. But I still believe you should confront him once and for all, and get it out in the open. Don't know if you will get truthful answers, he seems a bit too shady for me. I go to South America and forget you ever met him. Don't let him bring you down, you seem like your heading in the right direction now... Good luck and keep us posted..

Hey Xim just read your last post... Hope you stick to your guns and do what you say. I've read all the replys and they all speak sense... I say again good luck and my best wishes:)

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Originally Posted by sully123

What made you come to America and just leave your family? You have nothing to be ashamed of, you have a beautiful baby girl? Just leave the boyfriend behind, and think of you and your daughter, that's what important now, not him, you. But I still believe you should confront him once and for all, and get it out in the open. Don't know if you will get truthful answers, he seems a bit too shady for me. I go to South America and forget you ever met him. Don't let him bring you down, you seem like your heading in the right direction now... Good luck and keep us posted..

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I came to America running away from my baby's father, he didn't want to have the baby and told me that if I did he would take her from me. So I told him I wasn't going to have tha baby. Ill probably leave a note to my boyfriend esplaning why I left.

Good for you my dear. It's always better to make a 'clean' break.

I sincerely wish all the best for you and your daughter - and please remember that we are here for you when you feel you need to talk to someone.

Hope the road to your future is blessed with success and happiness!

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Originally Posted by JBeaucaire

She would get full custody because he's a married man. You're dating a married man. Separated is "cloak and dagger" terminology for "not really available".

Knowing that, it makes perfect sense. You're not as important to him as his kids, and that's the way it should be. You are endangering his link to his kids. Is that OK with you? Really?

If you're continuing to date him suddenly put your daughter at risk, would you keep doing it? Forget why/how it endangers her, just pretend it did. Would you date a married man if doing so risked you losing your daughter?

Until they get divorced and an official legal decree outlines his rights as a joint-custody parent, he is at the mercy of his wife's good graces. THAT'S WHY HE'S HIDING YOU.

Now, stop pretending this is hard to understand. This is the situation you've chosen. If you love this guy you will help him protect his relationship to his children. You're a parent. You know that.

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THIS IS BRILLIANT!!
How long in total has this been going on? You said you met when you were 8 months pregnant, but how long ago was that exactly? I think what you should do is focus on YOU and YOUR DAUGHTER. If the relationship with this guy is the real deal, it'll be there waiting AFTER his divorce is final. You have to ask yourself, is this really OK with you? From your posts, it doesn't sound like it is. You sound like you WANT to be part of his whole life, not just every other week. But right now, give your daughter a stable home life. Get yourself together and everything else will fall into place. But leave the married man alone. It does sound like he's being a bit manipulative by forcing you to hide and then begging you to stick around. If he's doing it to protect his relationship with his kids, which is understandable, it still ends of making you feel bad and that's not the way relationships are supposed to be. Leave him alone and let him work out his problems with his WIFE first.

Thank you all for your comments. I've been seeing him for 5 months now. My baby is 4 months. And yes, Im leaving him. He won't find me when he gets back from his vacation next week. I'll leave him a note explaining why I left.

I started reading through all of the posts and I have to ask if the man that you are talking about is white? I know that you are from south america and if he won't let you meet his friends family and neighbors then he might be hiding you because you are not white. And I know it is horrible to think like that, but unfortunately my dear there are people like that. I mean if you have seen the divorce decree and the custody information then you know that him being married is not a reason. He would have to endanger the kids or do something like smoke crack around the kids for the ex to even change the outline of the custody agreement. So that's not a reason. Think about it why would his neighbors, family members, or his friends go back to his ex and tell him anything about his relationship with you?

I truly hope that is not the reason, but after reading all of the info that you gave so far that is the one thing that I could think of. Good luck with your baby

Yes, he is white and yes, I thought that me being hispanic could be the reason and I asked him, he told me no, of course, but I think that could be a strong reason for him to hide me. He said first it was his kids and then his mom, she wouldn't understand the fact that he started dating me when I was pregnant and she wouldn't like the fact that Im a single mom. But when we go to the store he keeps himself away from me and tries to hide, he asked me to hide from his ex wife and his neighbors cannot see me. I don't understand why, Im a good person, Im good looking and Im nice to everyone.

Anyone who acts like you're one of "those" people and then tries to blame it on other's racial biases is fooling himself. He's one of "those" people, he's buying into it whole-heartedly. THOSE people should be looked down on the way they look down on others. It's the world they understand.

Walk away, and if he persists in asking why tell him "your people" don't understand him or his people. "Your people" are accepting of everyone, him and his people have crazy ideas who's acceptable and who's not. "Your people" and his people can't mix. You don't have time for crazy.

Please Ximentian, get away from this man, the more I read what you say about him the more he makes me sick to my stomach. He even stays away from you in a grocery store. THis man has way too many issues. PLEASE GO HOME TO YOUR FAMILY AND GET AWAY FROM HIM AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. He is a waste of your time. IT's not love, when your in love with someone, you are proud to be with that person. Don't waste another minute with him, you deserve someone so much better. He is bringing you way down.. You have everything, you have your daughter. Please keep your dignity and respect.

Remember even if you don't want to go back home, due to the father, like Chery said you can stay here because their plenty of help out their for you and child and support groups as well. Contact any non-for-profit agency or social service in the state of your choice, but stay on the tracks your headed and leave him alone. You don't owe him any explanations to your not wanting to be bother. Don't answer his calls and if possible change your number. I bet he was ashamed of you while your was between th sheets, if there was any physical encounters.

All right I knew I was onto something. Sweetheart I have been in the very situation that you are in. Probably not to that extent, but I am a black woman that has a child by a white man and dates white men. (let me add not strictly I am very open minded so I don't really see race, but that is the majority of men that approach me) Anyway, what I see from all of your posts is that you are trying to make every excuse except the obvious one. If you thought so strongly about race being a factor why didn't you admit it initially? I think that you know that is the reason why you are being hidden, but you just don't want to admit it to yourself. I don't know but you are probably trapped in a situation where he has the money to take care of you and your baby so far and you're probably scared to see what else is out there. You're in a different country with no friends and family here and you can't go back home for whatever the reason. And I think you told on yourself because I think you said that you left him then you said that you were going to leave him a note which tells me that you are still there. I know that you probably think that you love him, but you probably don't. Like I said he is someone there to support you and your daughter and you probably thought any man that is going to be there for you when you are eight months pregnant is a good man that loves you, but he doesn't cause if he did he would not care what anyone said to him about you, he wouldn't want to be seen without you, and moreover he would probably eliminate the people that had a problem with your relationship from his life. If it's a money issue which it probably is don't leave in a rush because it is definitely not the best thing for you and your baby. Welfare and government agancies are not the answer people. Stay long enough to get on your feet, pretend like nothing is wrong and you are happy with the situation. And after you have saved enough money to get an apartment and to survive on your own for awhile, THAT'S WHEN YOU LEAVE. I know what I am talking about like I said I have been in your shoes. You need to build yourself esteem and realize that you are above being hidden and you deserve to be seen.
Good luck

I think you're so right fjsmith81. Maybe in the back of my mind I know that's the reason, but I didn't want to admit it. I asked him many times if he had a problem about me being hispanic and he denied it. But everythime there's a different excuse. He made me feel so small, I really don't need him. Why he doesn't date a white woman, then?

I feel like myself esteem is below the ground. I feel like Alf, it will probably take a long time to rebuild it.

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Originally Posted by Ximenita

I think youre so right fjsmith81. Maybe in the back of my mind i know thats the reason, but I didnt want to admit it. I asked him many times if he had a problem about me being hispanic and he denied it. But everythime theres a different excuse. He made me feel so small, I really dont need him. Why he doesnt date a white woman, then?

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The reason he doesn't date white women is because you are probably his fantasy. He has probably had a thing for spanish women his whole life. Let me tell you something though guys usually don't want to marry or have a long term relationship with his fantasy. Men and women that have families that don't want them to date someone of a different race usually don't care to be seen with them if they are good people. But I would safely say that he shares the same views as his family and friends if he is hiding you.

Btw who's to say that he is not dating a white woman or on the prowl for a white woman while he is with you?

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Originally Posted by Ximenita

I feel like my self esteem is below the ground. I feel like Alf, it will probably take a long time to rebuild it.

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Don't let it discourage you. It sucks that there are people in this world that are like that, but there is nothing that you can do except take care of yourself. You should really take my advice. Situations like this are what makes us stronger. It has absolutely nothing to do with you. You are not the problem he is. I know it's easier said than done, but like I said before I have been in your shoes.