[Ximenita]

My boyfriend and I have a very unususal story, he met me when I was 8 months pregnant, but he didn't care, we started dating and since I used to live 2 hours away from him, he asked me to move closer to him (not with him, but closer to him). I had a beautiful baby girl now. His kids live with him every other week, and since I couldn't find any good place yet, I'm living with him every other week, the week that he doesn't have his kids of course. The other weeks I stay at a hotel with my baby.
He tells me its too soon for his kids to know, and Iunderstand that, but he tries to hide me from anyone, his neighbors, his family, his friends... and let me tell you... Im not bad looking at all. The other day we were driving around and we saw his ex-wife and he asked me to hide. We had a huge fight. Ive tried to leave him like 6 times but he always begs me and cries and tells me that he loves me... whats wrong with this guy?

[Chery]

This raises more questions than answers for me at the present time.
If a man hides a woman from family and friends even though he is divorced, there is something wrong.. he could be in a custody battle, financial issue that he does not want to jeopardize, but he should at least be open and honest with you instead of just insisting point-blank that you need to stay in the background.

How does he treat you when you are together? Has he talked about future plans? Does he expect you to stay in the hotel without going out and making new friends? If so, he's the controlling type and needs some professional help.

I would ask him to talk openly about what his major fears are and ask if you can help, but if it causes more trouble and sacrifice on your part, I'd rethink the situation and look for someone who will be proud to present you to public and family. We are not in the dark-ages where the 'mistress' has to be kept secret - so communication and trust are crucial at this point or you will constantly be compromizing.

Is this all worth it to you? What in the world is so special about him that you are willing to go along with his 'rules'?

Honey, you are worth more than that.

Good luck, and keep us posted.

You and your daughter deserve more than a 'hide-and-seek' life.

[starbuck8]

If he loved you, cared about your feelings, and respected you and your child, he wouldn't ask you to hide from the people in his life. Are you sure this girl is his ex-wife? And if she is, are you sure he is not holding on to hopes of still being with her and his children? A man that "LOVES" a woman, would NOT let her stay with her baby in a hotel room, while he has his children over to his house, and would not embarrass you by making you hide.

You are letting him call the shots, and you will be sorry for that in the long run. Love isn't just a "feeling" that you have. There are many different aspects to a long term happy relationship. Do you really want to settle for someone that makes you hide? You might be too close to the situation to realise this, but there is something shady going on here for sure!

[Ximenita]

Thanks for the input. He tells me that his ex-wife might use our relationship as en excuse to get full custody of the kids, but they've been separated for more than 2 years now. So, maybe he will never be able to have a normal oper relationship with anyone? He also says his mom wouldn't understand my situation, since she's very religious and he's trying to find the best moment to tell her about me. Every time I've tried to leave him he tells me I should give him more time until he feels completely comfortable with me. The other day we had a fight cause Im not allowed to answer either the phone or the door at his house (no one knows Im living with him everuother week), and he gave me a sutpid reason for that, he told me collectors might be calling looking for his ex-wife and I wouldn't know what to say. Right now, he's on the beach with his family (kids, mom, sisters and brothers in law), while Im in a hotel room with my baby.

[Chery]

Honey, if I were you, I'd move back to family and friends. He has a lot of baggage that he needs to sort out and not expect you to help him carry it.

It is unfair of him to expect you to give up a life just to wait for him. Even if you don't have many friends at home, you can still go out and meet people and take a nice walk with your baby instead of staying hidden where you are unhappy. It's also not the best environment for the baby to be growing up in right now. Your child needs to feel love and security - not stress. And, if you are nursing just think of how weak milk produced by a mother with doubts and stress is like.

I would tell him to get his stuff together and contact you again if and when he has his life balanced enough to concentrate on you. Besides, a grown man with children should not worry about what his mom's opinions about his life or partners are.

It is time for you to do what is important for you and your baby's wellbeing - that's what's under your control.

Again, good luck dear.

[J_9]

Wow, this relationship raises so many red flags it's more like the red sea!! Get out of that house before he gets home.

He is not only very controlling, but very manipulative, and may be potentially dangerous. I thought the situation was strange until you cannot answer the phone or the door. Those two red flags right there tell me how controlling he can be.

Now, from another point of view. Think about your daughter. Be your daughter for a minute. She should have a home, have safety and security. She should not be moving from one place to another every other week.

She needs stability, and this is NOT stability. Forget about this man who may be in your life forever (he won't I can promise you that) and pay close attention to your daughter who WILL be in your life forever. She is what should be important to you. Not this jerk.

[JBeaucaire]

She would get full custody because he's a married man. You're dating a married man. Separated is "cloak and dagger" terminology for "not really available".

Knowing that, it makes perfect sense. You're not as important to him as his kids, and that's the way it should be. You are endangering his link to his kids. Is that OK with you? Really?

If you're continuing to date him suddenly put your daughter at risk, would you keep doing it? Forget why/how it endangers her, just pretend it did. Would you date a married man if doing so risked you losing your daughter?

Until they get divorced and an official legal decree outlines his rights as a joint-custody parent, he is at the mercy of his wife's good graces. THAT'S WHY HE'S HIDING YOU.

Now, stop pretending this is hard to understand. This is the situation you've chosen. If you love this guy you will help him protect his relationship to his children. You're a parent. You know that.

[sully123]

So sorry for your situation. Do you have family or friends you can go home too, if you can't afford to be on your own? Why are you living in a hotel? My heart goes out to you! I don't think much of him for hiding you, with his family and friends. When a guy loves a woman he has nothing to hide, whether you have a child or not. I give you all the credit in the world for raising your baby by yourself. You need to be up front and honest, once and for all. Tell him your not hiding and what's up with the every other weekend?

[Ximenita]

Thanks a lot!! Your input really opened my eyes. I deserve better. I was thinking on waiting until he gets back from his vacation next week to talk to him and tell him bye and explain the reasons that Im leaving, but I think I will just go back home and disappear from his life. I think he would know why I left. What do you think?

[Ximenita]

Im from South America, I moved to the US 7 months ago and I don't have any family or friens here. I used to rent a place before moving to his city

[blubblub]

My boyfriend and I have a very unususal story, he met me when I was 8 months pregnant, but he didnt care, we started dating and since I used to live 2 hours away from him, he asked me to move closer to him (not with him, but closer to him). I had a beautiful baby girl now. His kids live with him every other week, and since I couldnt find any good place yet, im living with him every other week, the week that he doesnt have his kids of course. The other weeks I stay at a hotel with my baby.
He tells me its too soon for his kids to know, and Iunderstand that, but he tries to hide me from anyone, his neighbors, his family, his friends....and let me tell you....Im not bad looking at all. The other day we were driving around and we saw his ex-wife and he asked me to hide. We had a huge fight. Ive tried to leave him like 6 times but he always begs me and cries and tells me that he loves me....whats wrong with this guy?

As a man I can give you a male perspective on this situation... RUN... run fast and ignore any patter, begging,excuses, emotional blackmail etc. Your daughter is the most important thing and while you focus on this guy and his twisted ways it will do you and therefore her no good,and I'm sure your'e worth more. Good luck!

[talaniman]

... whats wrong with this guy?

He has a hidden agenda that is not in your best interest. I don't think he is being honest at all with you, nor will he be!

Your input really opened my eyes. I deserve better.

Yes you do, and so does your child. Much better! Stop listening to his lies and excuses, they are said to control and manipulate you to keep you where he wants you.

I think I will just go back home and disappear from his life. I think he would know why I left. What do you think?

He deserves nothing from you at all, and your disappearing from his life is a great course of action to protect you from him in the future. Let his a$$ wonder. THATS WHAT HE DESERVES!

[Ximenita]

He's already divorced, he was separated for two years, but he's divorces right now and there's already an official legal decree giving him the joing custody, so that's not the reason he's hiding me. Ive seen the papers.

He just says his ex could go to the judge again ant try to revert this in case she finds out she's dating me... THATS RIDICOLOUS and yes, its still hard to understand.

[talaniman]

He just says his ex could go to the judge again ant try to revert this in case she finds out she's dating me... THATS RIDICULOUS and yes, its still hard to understand.

Take this as a preview of life with him, RIDICULOUS, and hard to understand

[Fr_Chuck]

I am sorry, there is some lie this man is not telling you. And to be honest I am not sure I would believe some papers he showed me for sure.
Sorry but he is either still married, or he has no real interest in having you full time in his life.

You good enough to sleep with, but not good enough to let people know about you.

Sorrry you should move back to where your family is at perhaps, and never ever see this man again.

[sully123]

I would go back home and just forget about him. Wow, South America and you were all by yourself without any family or friends. Your one strong person and you can do it without him. I am sure your family will love your baby, just like you do. You do, deserve so much better.

[starbuck8]

He's already divorced, he was separated for two years, but he's divorces right now and theres already an official legal decree giving him the joing custody, so thats not the reason hes hiding me. Ive seen the papers.

He just says his ex could go to the judge again ant try to revert this in case she finds out shes dating me...THATS RIDICOLOUS and yes, its still hard to understand.

The way he's treating you sends off so many sirens, he should be wearing a flashing red light on his head! If he and his wife are in fact divorced, he should have every right to be in a new relationship, and unless there is another reason you aren't telling us, I can't see a reason why a judge would change his custody rights. Maybe the reason you have to leave every week is because he has to have "supervised visitation", and someone else needs to stay with him when he is with his kids!? Maybe he has talked some other girl into staying in a hotel room every other week? The reasons he gives you for not answering the phone or the door is ONE BIG FAT LIE!

He is lying to you about something! Maybe many things! That you can know for sure! He is obviously a very controlling and manipulative man too! Pack up your things and RUN like hell from this man! Your baby is not safe and secure around him, in my opinion!

Best of Luck to you!

[liz28]

Any guy that tries to hide his relationship with others, have no good motives. Assert yourself and live him alone. Never commit yourself to anyone who's not willing to do the same. If something don't makes sense then its usually a lie and a liar can't never be trusted.

You have other things to workout for in your life and the first is finding a more suitable place to live for you and your daughter. You satifice too much already by moving closer.

I believe he still have something going on with his wife or someone else. Your no dummy, I'm sure if a collector call for his ex-wife, your know what to say. Don't let him get you caught up in his web of lies because it might cause you a lot of drama and heartache in the long run.

[JBeaucaire]

OK, so from now on you won't ever call him separated again, right? He's divorced, means something completely different.

Well, that changes things. He is definitely hiding something FROM you, although he is trying to convince you it is YOU he's hiding. It's not. There's something else going on.

You're kid and you need people in your life who are proud to know and claim you. Run, don't look back. Better people off in the distance waiting to meet you.

[Ximenita]

He just called and I didn't answer. I decided to move back to my country without telling him