Entire story merged

In December 2005 I met a man at a dance club that I go to regularly. I had no particular interest in him but he kept returning to the club with the hope that I would be there. I thought he was very nice and I was flattered at his interest in me. I consented to go on a date with him and we ended up in a relationship. It was extremely intense and we fell in love rather quickly. We were both married but separated from our spouses. I am of the baptist faith and he is a Jehovahs Witness. This botherd me a little, but I was so in love with him that I dismissed all of my doubts. He was extremely sexual to the point of almost being a nymphomaniac! He explained that his wife had grown cold toward him over the past several years. After being with him for 10 months (during which time we talked at length about wanting to get married) he tells me that he had been wrong to be with me and that he needed to concentrate on getting back in good standing with his congregation, and being a better spiritual leader to his 4 year old son. I was so hurt but understood his convictions. After about a month apart we reconnected briefly, but after 2 months his wife decided to go through with divorce proceedings. Again he told me that he had been wrong to be with me. He felt that he had been selfish and had been unfair to me. For the sake of his son he wanted to try to do things right. He maintained that he still loved me and wanted me very much, and that the only reason he couldn't see me was because it wasn't right. Things weren't able to be worked out in his marriage and they went through with the divorce. As recently as 2 months ago he came to the club wanting to spend time with me. He told me again that he loved me and wanted to be free to be with me. I spoke to him a week ago and he informed me that for the past month he has been seeing his best friend of the past 3 years. According to him they had never felt anything for each other but suddenly she and him saw each other in a different light. He tells me that he is in love with her and that he is very happy. By the way she is not a Witness. I've been left so confused and hurt. I keep asking myself what could I have done wrong? How could he love me 2 months ago and then suddenly not love me anymore and be in love with someone else. I honestly thought I would be spending my life with this man. I need some insight on this. What happened? Did the fact that he is a witness mean trouble from the beginning? Is his new girlfriend heading for the same heartbreak?:confused:

Well, for one thing he wasn't necessarily "wrong" in dating you as he put it. Jehovah's Witnesses simply SUGGEST you have relations "within the truth" as they call it, rather than "outside the truth". It primarily depends on the individual who is the witness whether they want to date out of their religion. However, by the sounds of things, it sound like he was simply "using" you for a little more than companionship, which right there is worse that dating "outside the turth." If he claims to want to do things right, and he was dedicated to being a Witness, he would have set his family first, and stopped dating you, rather than constantly going back to the club, to see you. Honstly, it really isn't any fault of yours for wanting to date him, really, its his fault for going on and off with you. So, when you say, "was it trouble from the beggining" in a way it was, but for him, not you. What he is/was doing is/was putting his whole belief in jeopardy, and by doing what he was doing, he could be considered what witnesses call a "false prophet" So, all in all, he is really the only one who is/was in the wrong.

You are lucky to be shed of this guy. I really do not think him being a Jehovah Witness was the reason for all this trouble. He was the reason, and you too. You had a fair share of the responsibility. When you start something on the grounds you did, I am not sure how much you can expect out of it.

But this guy is a loser with a capital L. He does not know what he wants; except when he wants what he wants, it is okay. But after, it is not okay. Like he committed sin after the fact and no thought to the before the fact.

Quite worrying about what you did wrong, this guy did plenty of wrong. He will continue in it too, like swine wallowing in mud.

WEll first neither you or he could be very serious about your faith, since both would not allow going to a dance club or dating someone who was still married. *** esp the Jehovah witness. And both faiths would not allow in its teachings married people having sex with someoe other than their spouse,

So what happened, he lost part of his faith going though his separation and "fell" in love with the first person he went out with ( a very common thing to happen) So after knowing what he did was wrong, he could not continue to be with you, since it reminded him of what he did.

He is now starting his life over with someone else.

You were basically the "rebound" love.

I definitely agree that he and had both lost part of our faith and were wrong to have started a relationship while both of us were still married, but let me give a little more background info. He and his now ex wife married 12 years ago. She was a "sister" in his congregation. He was 22 when they married and she was 30. He married her because he felt that it was what he was supposed to do. They had never been very close emotionally and after 5 years they separated. He ended up meeting someone else, but it didn't last long and he went back to his wife to try to work on the marriage. 2 years later their son was born, and soon afterwards they separated again. He ended up dating one of his coworkers and even moved in with her for a couple of months. Again things didn't work out and he moved back in with his wife and son. They both agreed that the marriage was over but decided to live in the same house sleeping in separate rooms in order to try to give their son a sense of "normalcy". The last time that the two of them had marital relations with each other was on the night their son was conceived (literally). About a year later he met me. He has a terrible fear of major life changes. He thinks that things should always be the same, so when she finally filed for divorce he was beside himself. Their first divorce hearing was the last week in April and that was when he moved out of the house to live on his own for the first time in his life. His only thought was that he didn't want to lose his son. The first week in May the house that he shared with his wife suffered a major fire. This caused him even more stress. About 3 weeks later is when he started seeing his best friend. In my opinion, when all is said and done she's going to be the one who ends up being his rebound love. With all that he's gone through he found comfort in her friendship, and has convinced himself that its more. I really feel bad about it because she is a really sweet girl and I hate to think that she will be hurt, and not only that their friendship will suffer greatly for it if not end all together. And also, just as a side note, he has been under a psychiatrists care for 3 years because of obsessive compulsive disorder steming from a repeated tendency to fall in love quickly and wanting to move too fast in his relationships (this was something I didn't know until we had been dating for a little while). His wife had even expressed her concern to him that she felt that he was moving too fast with me and that she felt it was because of his OCD. I really feel that's what the situation is now with his new girl.

He's a player plain and simple. He kept coming back for something but it wasn't the kind of love you feel in your heart. Forget him and don't be looking for love in bars. Oh and if you really want a guy to take you serious get a divorce first.

I believe you're right about him being a player. Unfortunately I didn't see that until I had already fallen for him. As far as looking for love in bars, that's not why I even go to that club. It's an 80's dance club and I've been a regular there for almost 3 years. I don't go there to look for anyone. I just go to spend time with the friends that I've made there and actually get paid to do a Madonna impersonation there sometimes. I had not even wanted to go out with him, but all of my friends saw how much he liked me and talked me into it. I spoke to one of my guy friends there and I told him about my hesitation. I told him that I didn't want to risk this guy falling in love with me. My friend told me that he hated to tell me, but that the guy had already fallen. I guess that should have been a red flag right there, but coming out of an abusive marriage it felt nice to be paid attention to. He was the first guy from the club that I ever consented to go out with. I usually make it very clear that I am not there to hook up.

It is not about denomination or religion here.

The fact is he was not divorced yet, and you were not from what I read. You were both still committed.

Whether it be with family and church obligations. This relationship was not love but a shoulder to cry on and a quick make me feel good session which quite honestly is all it was and I can guarantee it would not last and even if you tried to make it work it was going no where.

Who cares what you think might have happened but I think that you went way over your head with this and need to realise that it was not a true relationship of any sort of love.

So you need to let this go and move on.

Joe

I really appreciate everyone's input on this situation, I know that all of the heartache and pain that I'm going through right now is of my own doing. In losing him I lost not only a love, but I lost my very best friend, and I think that hurts more than anything. I've always had so much trouble saying goodbye to people. He and I should have only ever been just friends and then I wouldn't be dealing with all of the hurt that I'm feeling now. By the way, I'm divorced now myself. I went through mine last fall.

I suspect besides thinking it would last, you both got what you could at the time, so its over and move on. Please give yourself a lot of time to heal before you get in bed with someone. Or for that matter any relationship, go slower, and get to know more about them.

Believe me, it's going to be a long time before I even go on another date with anyone much less start another relationship. I don't want to take the risk.

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Originally Posted by little firefly

believe me, it's going to be a long time before i even go on another date with anyone much less start another relationship. i don't want to take the risk.

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When you are over the grief of the divorce, and this rebound thing, you will be smarter and stronger, and happier and healthier emotionally to take that risk, if you think its worth it. It will get better.:)

I really hope so, and thank you for saying it. Sometimes I feel so lost. It seems so unfair that even though he is the one who pursued me, I'm dealing with trying to forget him and move on while he is happy and in love with someone else. This is a terribly mean and unchristian thing for me to say, but I hope that what goes around comes around and that he finds out what it feels like to be hurt by someone.

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Originally Posted by little firefly

i believe you're right about him being a player. unfortunately i didnt see that until i had already fallen for him. as far as looking for love in bars, thats not why i even go to that club. it's an 80's dance club and i've been a regular there for almost 3 years. i don't go there to look for anyone. i just go to spend time with the friends that i've made there and actually get paid to do a Madonna impersonation there sometimes. i had not even wanted to go out with him, but all of my friends saw how much he liked me and talked me into it. i spoke to one of my guy friends there and i told him about my hesitation. i told him that i didnt want to risk this guy falling in love with me. my friend told me that he hated to tell me, but that the guy had already fallen. i guess that should have been a red flag right there, but coming out of an abusive marriage it felt nice to be paid attention to. he was the first guy from the club that i ever consented to go out with. i usually make it very clear that i am not there to hook up.

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Madonna impersonator, that's pretty cool!
Anyway just don't make the same mistake twice, it's just not worth the heartache.

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Originally Posted by little firefly

i really appreciate everyones input on this situation, i know that all of the heartache and pain that i'm going through right now is of my own doing. in losing him i lost not only a love, but i lost my very best friend, and i think that hurts more than anything. i've always had so much trouble saying goodbye to people. He and i should have only ever been just friends and then i wouldn't be dealing with all of the hurt that i'm feeling now. by the way, i'm divorced now myself. i went through mine last fall.

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Don't be too hard on yourself. I doubt there's one of us here that hasn't fallen for the wrong person at one time or the other and wondered what the H*ll we were thinking. I think sometimes after a brake up we lose feeling and we do things that might hurt us just so we can feel something. Just remember that he is really not worth the pain you are feeling.

Exactly! Thank you. You don't just fall out of love that quickly. It dosen't work that way, especially since he told me when I saw him two weeks ago that I had done nothing wrong and that he still misses me and thinks of me, and that I had made him very happy.

A couple of months ago I submitted a post about my relationship with my ex boyfriend. He and his wife had been legally separated for a couple of years when we started seeing each other. He broke up with me after almost a year because he realized our being together wasn't right. He was also feeling guilty because he had become weak in his faith (he is a Jehovahs witness, as are the rest of his family including his now ex wife and 5 year old son) shortly before the breakup I had started attending witness meetings so that I could feel spiritually closer to him. He told me that this made breaking up with me even more difficult. A couple of months after the breakup we started seeing each other again (he had started missing me). This lasted a couple of months until his wife decided to file for divorce. All of a sudden he felt that he needed to try to do the right thing and put his marriage back together. He sent me an E-mail telling me that he didn't know what was going to happen but that he wanted me to know that he loved me and wanted to be free to be with me but that he wanted me to be happy and not wait for him. He and his wife weren't able to reconcile and they started divorce proceedings. Less than a month into the divorce he tells me that he has fallen in love with a good female friend and that he is very happy (I'm thinking rebound). I ran into him outside of a restaurant a couple of weeks ago and asked him how he was. He said he was OK, but seemed almost sad. I told him I was glad and that I really wanted him to be happy he thanked me but seemed to have trouble looking at me. I then told him that I miss him and miss the friendship we had. He looked down for a few seconds then looked me in the eyes and told me that he really misses me too. I told him that I had continued going to witness meetings because I had really found it interesting. He told me he was really glad to hear it and that it was OK with him if I kept him updated via e-mail on everything that's going on. I sent him an e-mail a few days ago letting him know what I've been up to. I also told him that I've kept him in my prayers and that I hope he's happy in his new relationship. I told him too that he should be careful and take things slow so that he dosen't get hurt or end up unintentionally hurting anyone else. Yesterday he sent me an e-mail that said "please stop sending me messages. i'm not mad and i don't hate you. i'm very glad that you are progressing in your witness studies, don't ever stop that. However, nothing you say or do will change things on my side. if and when things change i will let you know. until then please stop." Ok, what's up with that. I made it clear to him that I didn't want him back and just wanted to be friends. A couple of my friends seem to believe that by the comment he made of if and when things change I will let you know, he's thinking and possibly hoping that I'm going to be waiting in the wings for him if and when his new relationship falls apart(I'm not!) from everything I've been learning about Witnesses I have a feeling that he's already being made to feel guilty about being in a relationship while going through a divorce and not only that but he's with someone outside of the faith (thats how it happened when he was with me) does anyone else get this feeling? I've already decided to just move on, but I just need some outside opinions on this. I really feel sorry for his new girl. She only ever knew him as just a friend and has no idea what she's gotten herself into.

First things first - I have friends who are witnesses and you do not date or marry outside of the faith. It is not heard of. Unless you are willing to convert THEN date you are looking at an impossible road. If that religion is not your cup of tea then I say move on. Witnesses tend to be very wary of couplings outside of the church.

My 2nd shortest entry to date:

R-U-N

So does that maybe mean he's hoping that I'm waiting for him since I've been studying and attending meetings regularly?

Thanks ASH123. I wish I had gotten that advice over a year ago!! :)

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Originally Posted by little firefly

so does that maybe mean he's hoping that i'm waiting for him since i've been studying and attending meetings regularly?

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No I believe he has moved on. Not to be harsh. But his behavior is not that of a man who wants to be with someone. If you want to continue your conversion I think that's wonderful but I would not continue the conversion with hopes that it will bring this guy back into your life.

--This cannot work and he needs to retreat back into his world... I fear you are not able to process this at this time. But that's OK. Love makes us all a little dizzy...

I would really suggest at least half a dozen sessions with a pro (get a name from you GP doc) It is normal to do this now and again in a complicated life. You need to get unstuck from this... I hate to say to but he MAY have a reason to be getting annoyed...

PS- Just saw your latest post - maybe you saw the light!!

But don't feel bashful about talking it out with a pro if it is making you restless...

Hi little firefly. Relationships are so hard! Correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds as though he's playing mind games with you. By telling you that he'll contact you "when and if things change" is not leaving you with any definite answer. I dated somebody for a few years who broke up with me for another girl yet would keep stringing me along giving me false hope, and it just made the whole break up process just that much harder. Needless to say, we never did get back together, and he wound up engaged to the girl he broke up with me for. Don't wait for him. Move on, and if eventually he does come around and you're still willing to give it a go, you can decide then!

I really do appreciate all of the help I've gotten with this. It does seem like he's playing head games dosen't it? I really don't think I would ever be with him again though even if he would want to. He's hurt me enough already. I really do feel bad for his new girlfriend though. She got a double whammy when she got with him. First of all he's not even finished with his divorce, including a custody hearing, and second he's a member of a religion that dosen't believe in dating outside of the faith (I'm almost willing to bet that he's already been made to feel guilty by the elders of the congregation and by his own family for dating outside of the "truth") The more I learn about this religion the more I think I might be better off to stay a Baptist. :) I guess she'll have to learn the hard way like I did.

Seriously though, do what he said, don't talk to him anymore... and if he comes back crawling on his knees... still don't talk to him anymore... in fact, if you like you could give him a taste of his own medicine and pull the same tactic on him, but honestly... get away from this guy in every way, it seems like you know what's going on here so don't waste any more thought on this guy...

Thank you Grayfox. That's great advice. They say that hindsight is 20/20. Its too bad it took me getting hurt really bad to see him for what he is. An immature manchild who really dosen't know what he wants and probably never will! I would love it if someday he WOULD come crawling back so that I can do to him what he did to me. I know it would be mean, but it would feel good to have that kind of closure. I just have to keep telling myself that I didn't do anything wrong to deserve this and that he's got the problem, not me!

You know what - by the time he ever did you will be SO over it. You are going to move on and be much happier and find someone who treats you well and respects you. Good luck!!

A lying cheating sob, cloaked in respectability, is still a lyin cheating sob. Strip away all the entrapments, and you will see he is not friend material, let alone relationship material. Any female he gets close to catches, holy hell as you have witnessed for yourself.

Hey talaniman. I was hoping I would get some input from you. You give some of the best advice I've ever seen on this site. Thank you for the always great insight. :)

Hey guys, I'm back again. I wanted to give an update on my ex JW boyfriend who fell in love with his best friend.

As I had explained in my first post "i'm a Baptist who was dating a Jehovah's Witness, my ex and I met at an 80's club that I go to regularly and sometimes work at. I had already been a regular there for a good while before he even came out there for the first time, and since breaking up with me he had not been back. Last Thursday however I went out there to hang out with my friends and guess who was there, my ex and his girl. I had been feeling so much stronger and more in control until I saw them there together. It was as if all the hurt suddenly came rushing back. I ended up leaving without saying anything to them. Heck I don't even know if they saw me. I just had to get out of there.

I sent him an e-mail on Monday (it was the first contact I had made in almost 3 months) asking him that if he had any respect for me or the relationship we had to please let me know if he's going out there with her so that I can stay away (He didn't answer me, but I had not expected him to) Was that wrong of me? I mean he knows that I go out there frequently. He knows the trouble I've had getting over him because a mutual friend of ours talks to him regularly. I didn't ask him to stay out of there because I don't have that right, but I think it was a cold thing for him to do bringing a new love into the place that we met and spent so much time at together. Why would he WANT to bring her there knowing I could be there at any given time. A friend of mine who works there said that she saw him go upstairs to the 2nd floor alone acting like he was looking for someone. I feel like I've suffered a major emotional setback. :(

You have done everything you can. Since you sent him the email and he hasn't replied all you can do is wait until he does it again. If he does it again maybe confront him and ask him if you can talk to him for ONE minute semi private and ask him why he wants to continue bringing up hurt for you by bringing her there. Don't make a big scene or argument and keep it simple. If he wants to get crazy at you for doing that simply say that you just wanted him to take a minute out to consider your feeling and wasn't trying to cause a problem.

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I feel like I've suffered a major emotional setback. :(

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You have suffered an emotional setback. It will be worse when he does not comply with your wishes. He didn't before, and I doubt he will this time. Get some real help with this, from a pastor or professional.

Hello all, I received an e-mail last night from my ex responding to an e-mail that I sent him several months ago, in which I asked him questions about my relationship with him.

He told me that his relationship with me had not been a game for him and that his feelings for me had been real. He went on to say that I had made him happy but that "living and learning the truth is the best way of life, you being with me is not. Thats on my side of things not yours. But it's true. I have changes to make, and i am making them. But i have to do it and you simply can't be a part of it, it's not right. I had been disfellowshipped before i ever met you, but i still want to see paradise." For those of you who don't understand, he is a disfellowshipped Jehovahs witness who wants to become reinstated. I myself am not and have never been a JW.

He then said that he misses me as a friend and that "it makes me smile when i think of you going to meetings and doing Witness service work, i smile when i think of you in general" (when I was with him I had talked of joining the JW's which he obviously thinks I did... I didn't and am very thankful for it!). He went on to say that he had tried to save his marriage when he broke up with me but it didn't work, and that falling in love with his best friend just seemed to happen. He had been in love with her but had not seen it before (she's not a JW either). He added that he HAD seen me when he was at the club a month ago. He had looked for my car first but didn't see it.

I had forgotten that I even sent that e-mail to him, and was shocked when I got the reply. I just don't understand why, after all this time he would reply to it. :confused:

Feel free to look up my previous posts to get the back story on my situation, but be warned, the first post "im a baptist who was dating a Jehovahs witness is a very looong one and I didn't format it which makes it even harder to read.:eek:

~side note to Talaniman, if you read this, I wanted to tell you that I took your advice (along with my family and friends) and got some professional help to deal with all the trouble that I've been having with this. I was diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder and am on medication. I'm already starting to feel better about my life, and am hoping that my ex isn't wanting to try to try to establish some kind of friendship with me. I don't want to be sucked back in to his confused and messed up world again!~

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Originally Posted by little firefly

I don't want to be sucked back in to his confused and messed up world again!~

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If you respond to his email you run the risk of getting sucked back in and going backwards big time. You still need time IMO. The only reason he contacted you is probably because he saw you at the club. I would say you need to forget him in general. He doesn't sound like a good guy.

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Originally Posted by little firefly

so does that maybe mean he's hoping that i'm waiting for him since i've been studying and attending meetings regularly?

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No it means he's a disturbed Individual and it doesn't matter what his Faith is, he need Help, LEAVE HIM ALONE! :eek:

Hello everyone.

Well, in just a little over a week we are going to see the end of another year.
I know that for most of us here 2007 brought us a lot of heartache and pain. We were left feeling hurt, confused, lonely, and unsure of how to move on with our lives. Some Are still trying to come to terms with things that have happened, others like myself are slowly starting to heal, and then there are those new to this site who are newly heartbroken.

When I stumbled here several months ago I didn't realize what a saving grace this site would be for me. So many of you gave me such good insight and helped me to realize that I'm not alone. There are so many others that have been feeling like I do. I found a group of nameless faceless friends who understood how I felt and helped me to cope. At first all I did was vent, but slowly I've been able to find some inner strength and I've been able to use my life lessons to help others that are hurt and confused. The more I heal the more that I find myself here, not really to vent, but to give others a ray of hope in what feels like hopeless situations.

It is my sincere hope and wish that all of us will go into 2008 with better outlooks on the future. I hope that we can all move forward and find ourselves again, being happy with who we are and not feeling so lost.

Even after I've totally healed and moved forward with my life I'm going to continue to come here. Sadly the next year will bring more brokenhearted people looking for answers and trying to make sense out of their situations. I want to be here for them when they need someone to talk to.

I wish all of you the best for the holidays. I refuse to allow my ex boyfriend to take the happiness that surrounds this time of year away from me. I hope that the rest of you will try to do the same. Peace and joy to all of you.

Firefly

Well, said and so glad you found this site, May you find the happiness you so deserve.

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Originally Posted by little firefly

Hello everyone.

Well, in just a little over a week we are going to see the end of another year.
I know that for most of us here 2007 brought us a lot of heartache and pain. We were left feeling hurt, confused, lonely, and unsure of how to move on with our lives. Some Are still trying to come to terms with things that have happened, others like myself are slowly starting to heal, and then there are those new to this site who are newly heartbroken.

When i stumbled here several months ago i didn't realize what a saving grace this site would be for me. So many of you gave me such good insight and helped me to realize that i'm not alone. There are so many others that have been feeling like i do. I found a group of nameless faceless friends who understood how i felt and helped me to cope. At first all i did was vent, but slowly i've been able to find some inner strength and i've been able to use my life lessons to help others that are hurt and confused. The more i heal the more that i find myself here, not really to vent, but to give others a ray of hope in what feels like hopeless situations.

It is my sincere hope and wish that all of us will go into 2008 with better outlooks on the future. I hope that we can all move forward and find ourselves again, being happy with who we are and not feeling so lost.

Even after i've totally healed and moved forward with my life i'm going to continue to come here. Sadly the next year will bring more brokenhearted people looking for answers and trying to make sense out of their situations. I want to be here for them when they need someone to talk to.

I wish all of you the best for the holidays. I refuse to allow my ex bf to take the happiness that surrounds this time of year away from me. I hope that the rest of you will try to do the same. Peace and joy to all of you.

Firefly

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Well said. I am in the same position.

I first came on here 4 months ago. I had been dumped by my ex 6 months earlier and after a couple of months apart made the mistake of allowing her to run the "let's be friends" line.

I actually found this site the week I told her I wanted to try again, and she said no, despite giving me all the signs and treating me like a surrogate boyfriend. I initiated no contact.

Without this site I definitely would not have stuck to NC. If I feel myself about to be weak I put a post on here and within hours it is drummed in to me that I need to think of myself & no contact is the only way to move on (whether or not your ex may come back).

I have now found myself answering posts from people who are in the position I was in 4 months ago and doubting where they are with their ex.

It has been so heloful for me and, like you firefly, I will try and offer guidance to people (based on my experiences) in the future.

Happy Christmas.

Well said Firefly... and glad you are doing well!