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It's my understanding, I believe I read in one of the threads, that OP is already on some type of drug therapy for depression or some other issue. https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/mental...ty-465571.html
Maybe THAT'S the Physician he should be talking to. I realize that Physician asked him why he's depressed.
Maybe depression is at the root of this problem with the girlfriend/fiance - or maybe it's the other way around.
241 posts, still no action, just reaction.
The process is on the table, That's a start. Talking about it is a start. None of us lives on the timetable of another, people move at their own pace. I get the frustrations from everyone, I have them too, and I know so does he. Its not about us and OUR frustration, its about guiding him through the process, of dealing with himself. The same hold true for everyone else who comes to this forum looking for answers to personal problems, so before I hi jack his thread, any further is by saying I think we all have been through that kind experience, and remember how totally frustrating it was. I surely do.
The bad thing is that this relationship already has some serious issues.
What is going to happen when you introduce the children/stepfather problems that are bound to come up. You will always be in the wrong, your vote will not count, and you'll be eating only the french fries at the bottom of the bag. Her children are her life right now. Add the fact that they require special attention and care... hind teet.
I just hope that you are a light sleeper, and can hear the smoke alarm. Because you my friend will probably be last to be awoken in an emercency. Right behind the dog.
The dog that is keeping you from shackin' up with your cougar.
Yes I do have to be willing to change and participate in making the changes. I know that she is not the only one that needs to change as well. But the advice that I have gotten is to get good and gone, if the counseling is not specifically geared towards helping us keep it together then I am probably not going to choose to do it right now. I do love her, and I believe she loves me.Quote:
Originally Posted by Jesushelper1976
As an added note, she just got a job working assembly at a plastic factory on third shift. It's a temp job but its certainly a start. She realized that I am no longer going to kill myself to give her money. Now, with her working there will be no need for overtime and I will have all of my weekends to myself. This is not the fix all but having my own money is going to go a long way towards keeping me happier in general.
Someone once said that money can't buy you happiness. This may be true, but money can sure make you miserable if you do not have any.
I'm not yelling back, but I do have to say that this is not true. She would not leave me to die in the flames, she would need my help to get the kids out. So if only for my services of strength she will wake me. (not that I believe that she wouldn't wake me first simply because she loves me). Lol.Quote:
Originally Posted by jmjoseph
She does love me and she is trying to find a way to connect to me better. Reciently she has realized that if I have an issue she is to leave me alone until I am ready to tell her what it is so I do not word it venomusly. That's another start right there.
And to judy, yes, the heart of my depression is her at the moment. The relationship itself is weighing heavy on my heart. However I have been depressed for far longer than I have known her, so the roots are not her fault. They have just grown further since I've been with her. Every big problem is another inch to the roots. Its hard, but I believe that this can work out. However I am not going to hold my breath on her changes as she has done this before. I am not a firm believer that people can change who they are very easily if at all. And if her changes do not stick, then I will walk away. There comes a point when there is just no point in trying anymore, and that point is soon. It sucks, but it is soon and I won't pretend not to realize that.
Why do you think she loves you? Take away the money you provide, add her behavior - and you think this is love?
Just by means of background how many other relationships have you been involved in?
My guess and your guess is that larken has never been involved in any relationships before this.
I will bet my farmville money on it. Lol
Probably a good guess - oh, in case you are scorekeeper this week it's 247, now 248, and counting.
I'm wrapping my mind around unarmed security guard, not making a lot of money, 12 years younger, no children, woman, ex-stripper (or something), children, in love with said unarmed security guard.
Well, I'm trying to wrap my mind around that.
Larken85 you say you don't want to see a counselor who tells you that you need to leave this woman, well that is your problem. You are not ready for counseling. You know what you need to do, you just are not ready to do it. You want to continue to bury your head in the sand.
The relationship you're in is dysfunctional at best. You don't want to acknowledged that. You want to be told how to stay in it and I don't think anyone here is going to tell you that.
I think you both are enabling each other's dysfunctional behavior. Maybe you stay with her because you don't think you can get anyone else.
Everything seems to be on her terms. A guy as young as you who accepts being tied to this older woman with two kids who will take money for rent but will not allow you to live with her, who tells you what to do with your money and withholds sex, has a problem.
You have no self esteem and are insecure. Why else would you subject yourself to this treatment. Don't say love, this is not love, it is dependency.
Larken, I can understand a desire to try to work things out and stay with her. However, I look at all of your threads, some on the Adult Sexuality board, and I don't see a strong foundation to this relationship. Everything is Mine and Hers. So far, no Ours.
In all of this, have I missed where you two can actually sit down and hold a discussion on any topic that doesn't end up in arguments, ultimatums, or temper tantrums?
One thing that hasn't been addressed that I am now curious about, how does your dog get along with the hostage (her dog)?
It is so easy to be in love, and have the problems that go with it. It makes you wonder what to do especially when your being pulled in so many ways.
The thing we all forget when we have very intense feelings is to have a healthy relationship, we must be healthy ourselves and to deal with a partner in a mature way, we have to be mature ourselves.
I think we may have a mutual dependence thing going here, and think its love, I don't know. But what we do know as fact is that our young friend is having his problems because he doesn't know himself as well as he could.
Even if she doesn't partake of counseling with you, you could benefit greatly I think from someone who can guide your through the process of knowing yourself so much better.
I don't think it's a coincidence you never mention friends, or activities who are close enough to consult, and bounce ideas off.
I don't see a trusted older guy in your life, and that's an impression I keep getting by what you write. So while I understand the confusion, I always tell people that its not the situation with a partner that defines us, it's the relationship with ourselves that does. People who know what, and who they are, and what they stand for, seldom will fall for just anything, nor be sidetracked by the emotional drama and shortcomings of others.
That's where I think your sitting now, making something that looks good on paper, into more than it is, because another has convinced you its working when it 's really not working for you.
Remember back when I said that a guy goes fishing for 3 days? It s not about the fish, its about letting the mind clear, and the emotional dust to settle. Its to get back in touch with reality, and yourself. Right now your convinced what she wants is what you want, but are not separating the two, to see how that works.
You will get there though, even if it does take a few more pages.
Very true Tal-cant rep yet-I think some counseling and some 'Larken'-time,whether its fishing or kayaking would be a great idea.
It is a mutual dependency thing,which ,of course is never healthy.
What you're saying is that I am hiding myself from myself to please the image I want to see.
The dogs have never met, but my dog won't be coming with me, my parents are far to attached to her.
By trusted older guy are you talking like my father? My step-dad? Well trusted is something I do not consider my stepdad on this issue. My real dad however I would listen to. He is afraid to tell me what he thinks about this though, as I stopped seeing him over religon when I was 16. We have since patched things up, and I totally regret the choice I made on that one. He is the one person I have always been able to turn to. Now though I just don't feel like I can turn to him.
I have to look at who I am, and who I want to be. I need to learn to love myself and be myself. I need to have my needs met, and I need to know just what my needs are.
I haven't even been in a long term relationship that has lasted this long before. Usually the girl cheats on me way before now. Nice huh. There is another piece to the puzzle for you lol. The reason for my depression. Every girlfriend I have ever had Save 3 have cheated on me at one point or another no matter how serious we were. I have dated almost 30 girls in my short life by the way. The pieces just keep falling into place.
Well thus you can see what keeps me in this relationship so strongly. She isn't a cheater. I know that not all girls are, but all my age seem to love cheating on me. So I decide to go older, I went after her, and I got her. She doesn't cheat, even if she isn't fair. Or nice all the time. Oh, and unlike another ex she doesn't hit me either. That's a huge plus.
Cat, you're right, things haven't ever really been "Ours". That's something that is going to change right now. I need things to be ours, not hers, not mine. Our communication skills still suck though too, we're on different wave links.
I can't remember what else I was going to say... Sorry.
Have you ever sat back and analyzed WHY the majority of relationships you've had end in you being cheated on etc.
Might be time for some self reflection to see if there's a problem that you bring to the table that initiates this type of behaviour , and if so work on it.
I just don't see how being with someone just because you think there's less chance that she'll stray is Love , besides you don't know for sure that she won't.
Just some things to ponder.
What I meant was you're a young guy who is learning without guidance, or the proper support system in place. You are very imbalanced socially from what I see, and have little objective input from outside of yourself.Quote:
What you're saying is that I am hiding myself from myself to please the image I want to see.
Given what you have been through, you seem to have taken the lessons to be learned, and cast them aside, or are ignoring them, because maybe your choices where not that great
If you have encountered 27 cheaters to partner with? That's truly unbelievable, and an honest self evaluation is long overdue. I mean the common denominator for your life experiences is YOU, and the path you take. It's the same for us all.
This girlfriend/fiance is an improvement over the past girlfriends/fiances because she doesn't cheat on you or physically abuse you?
She just emotionally abuses you?
Have you ever simply sat back and read what you have written? If you do I think you'll see what everyone else sees.
How many of these cheaters/abusers have you been involved with?
What you are saying is, you would rather be abused and made a fool of than to be cheated on.
She takes your money runs your life and treats you with disrespect, and you would rather have that than a cheater? What you are doing is settling for what you think is the lesser of two evils. This lady is not a prize.
I don't think you are emotionally ready for a relationship because you are not ready to face yourself and deal with what's there, and until that happens you are not going to be a happy person, and you are not going to have a healthy relationship with anyone.
Judy makes a very good point here.Quote:
Originally Posted by JudyKayTee
She definitely has abused you emotionally and as stated earlier in this thread she was virtually blackmailing you with emotional threats if you didn't help her with the rent etc.
This has seemed to have subsided somewhat but only AFTER you put your foot down from the advice you got here , will it last , Geez I'm not so sure to be honest.
That is what I am waiting to see. I don't know if it will last. She knows that I am fed up with that treatment so she has stopped for the time being. However if we were to wed what would happen? The saying that people change after marriage isn't that far off base, but its more like people revert in my opinion. I need to know that the change in her is going to stick for good, not just until the ring goes on. And I am not willing to enter into a marriage with someone I am not sure of. I have told her this too. So I guess we are taking it one day at a time.Quote:
Originally Posted by friend4u178
Tal, that was very very well put.
What will last is my foot being put down, slammed down if need be. I will not allow it. There is no place for that in my life.
If you were my son, and I'm old enough to be your father, I would advise you to wait AT LEAST 5 years before you even THINK about being married. Take some time to have fun, and learn about yourself. Date, but nothing serious.
In a sense, you are still a child looking for acceptance.
If a man was constantly getting bitten by dog, after dog, after dog, I would recommend starting with a hampster.
When I was your age, I took time to play. And play I did. I have no regrets. Well... that's a different thread.
I SMELLED the roses, but did not run nakedly through the thorns.
You are the first "little pig" who is building his house of straw.
Wait until you get some bricks.
You will be a bitter old man unless you take the time you need to have fun, and just be Joe.
Solo Joe.
And go back to school. Make the most out of your life.
Go talk to your biological Father.
I sure wish I could talk to mine.
I was just going to quote the naked through the thorns part because I about choked on my pop over here reading that one. But the entire post is great. Very good points, great analagies and very direct. Well spoken sir.Quote:
Originally Posted by jmjoseph
I think I will take the advice. I know I am dang good looking, I am 24, I deserve a good run at all that life has to offer me before I settle down. I deserve to see what's out there, who is out there, and what they can offer in the way of fun. There is time to look for a life long mate later. Right now I need to get my life strait and get some money saved, a better car, and a place of my own for once.
The time I was living in that apartment alone was the best month of my life. I could go anywhere or do anything I wanted any time I wanted. God I loved it. I guess this is why I have been feeling so pressured lately, I have been seeing my freedom go right out the window and I am sorry but I am just not ready for that to happen. I do't think it should ever happen. I guess I have been blaming a lot of this on her, when its really my growing frustrations that are causing the issues.
She hasn't changed, I have. Our wants and needs have changed and are no longer the same. She is the same person I met and fell in love with almost 2 years ago, I'm just not the same person I was. She is going to hate me for this, like I was leading her on this whole time. I screwed her life up and now she is going to have to completely fend for herself. I feel so bad, because I know I'm falling out of love with her. I'm already to the point that I don't want to marry her anymore... I just don't want to hurt her now... I don't know what she'll do... She is so tightly bonded to me that ripping myself away like a bandage is going to drive her to desperation.
Do I think she'll kill herself? no. Do I think she will stauk me, call me, write me, beg me, cry those heartbreaking tears, yes. She will fight to get me back. She doesn't want to lose me. I just don't know how to break this to her in a way she will understand and accept. And what will I do for comfort myself? Being alone is not a good idea for me after something like this happens. But staying in the house is a horrible way to do it too. I'll get fat again.
Oh god what the heck do I do? I'm just so scared to break her heart, so scared of hurting her and the kids. Though speaking of them, I should get out before I get further attached... :( but Macey and Alex... They mean the world to me... This is not fair!!
So lost
So very very lost...
And scared...
And angry at myself... I let this go on too long... I'm a bad person for this...
You're not a bad person,you're human-as we all are.
Your feelings have changed and you should act accordingly.
Of course it's a tough decision,
But you can't drag this out anylonger.
That's not fair on any of the people involved.
Call your Dad and talk to him.
Sounds good. That will be a much easier conversation... I just feel so horrible.
That's normal,Joe,so get talking to people-you need face-to-face advice and comfort.
Its about you now,your feelings and your growing as a human being.
You are not responsible for anybody else's happiness.
You are not a bad person. You stayed longer than most.
Her happiness is not your responsibility. Yours is. Go find it.
I'm caught in words. I don't know what to say right now. Sorry, I'll check back later...
You are not a bad person. You are a young man just starting, trying to figure things out.
I doubt she will take it as hard as you think, she knows what's up.
She is not your concern, you are. Do what is right for you and ultimately for her and leave this relationship
She has a job now, she can shop all she wants to, after she pays her own rent.
But it is difficult to decide when your attached to her kids. They do grow on you. Just imagine your own someday though, and that's something to look forward to with the right person. You found her, you will find someone better, because you will be better.So will she.
Geez guy after 27 failed relationships, you should know that all break ups suck, and hurt like hell, but you break up anyway, and cope with the feelings, and move beyond them. By rights you should never have gotten involved with a female that was divorced, and living with another guy in the first place, but you will learn sooner, or later to pay attention to obvious red flags, before you cultivate attachments.
After a year or two, you should be already aware of what you like and don't like about your situation, and it sounds to me like you are seeing more reasons not to stay, than to stay, as you have had enough of a preview of what life will be like if you stay.
I just don't see you marrying someone that's not as committed to you as you are to them. I just don't see that happening.
Just so you know, love is a verb, that describes actions, not a noun, to describe a feeling.
Wow tal, that last line was like insprational and stuff. You should use that as your quote.
Yeah I do know break ups suck, too bad I'm usually the one on the receiving end of it. Here we go, after today's hike, I guess I have to talk to her about this... I guess I got to leave... this sucks...
OK I need some tips here. I want to be gental with this, Remember that I do love her and I want her to understand the reasons. I just know that it isn't going to work out. I am not going to do this on a work night for her, she is going to need the night off.
You need to be gentle with yourself-breaking up is a tough thing to do-there is never a 'right' moment,but you have to bite the bullet and just do it.
As for understanding reasons,the main thing is that you understand what you are doing.
Thanks. I think I know how I'll tell her. I'm hoping she takes it better than I think she will. But I know she is going to cry for hours. Can I be there for her for that part?
Be very careful that you don't feed into her reaction. She may not fall apart as much as you think she will unless she thinks it will have an affect on you.Quote:
Originally Posted by Larken85
Do try to make the break as clean and quick as possible.
All right... I'm just nervous. I have never done this and did so without becoming mortal enemies with my ex.. That is something I don't want.
Two mature people can end a relationship without becoming enemies.
Don't allow her reaction to suck you back in, but she may not even react in the way you think.
She is going to say that she "will change". She won't.
She will promise that things are "going to get better". They won't.
She is going to play the sympathy card. Our sympathy, here, is for you. Not her. Where were her tears when she was arguing over you paying your own MOTHER a little rent money.
Write down all the bad things about this relationship, and memorize the list.
You've made your mind up, stick with the plan.
The bottom line is that you are a young man, go live your life.
Go make some memories.
The world is an amazing place. Go enjoy it.
Do you want a smile on your face, or do you want a grimace?
276 and counting...
Joe,
There really is no good way to break up with someone, and for some reason my heart goes out to her. However, when a relationship is not meant to be, it's just not meant to be.
I wish this breakup could be easy for you. I can see that you really care about her and that you don't want to hurt her. Unfortunately this is going to hurt her. Everyone has given you good advice on how to go about doing this.
You are right though, about breaking up with her when she has a day off. That way she can think about things and get herself together.
Again, my heart goes out to you and her, but this too shall pass, and the both of you in time will move on.
Good luck!
Ya well, when you tell your buddies about the break-up and they say, "hey man you made the right decision, here's to you, lemme buy you a beer" you'll feel a lot better. It's an ego boost when you realize you did the right thing.Quote:
Originally Posted by Larken85
Going off what jmjoseph said, stick to your guns. It would be in your best interest to speak your piece and leave immediately before she can convince you change your mind (it happens to the best of us). It's time to look out for No. 1, from what I gather, that's what she's been doing throughout the relationship. She earned the caliber of pain she may receive from the break-up, remember that.
I know your heart is in the right place slapshot, but a beer is a bad idea for me. I have an addictive personality and the last thing I want to do is have a been to feel better. But thanks anyway.
I don't feel like hurting her and I am going to do everything within my power to break this to her as easily as possible. The less she suffers, the less I suffer. And if I explain it right I can do this without too much heart ache. She doesn't know its coming, but she is starting to see the change in me. I am trying to fool her until I can get some alone time with her (just the two of us). Its not working that well.
But my mind is made up, I am leaving and staying gone. That's not hard for me, I can turn off my emotions. Its useful sometimes. So if all else fails I will just become cold and displaced.
Fact of the matter is that we are not right for each other and we have been searching for two different things that neither of us can deliver. And as I have grown I have changed a lot and sadly the change is that I found out how much I like being independent.
Good luck to you!
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