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I've already moved on dude! And I'm glad, every morning I wake up I feel better.
I just want to know what others expected from their ex, immediately before their break up. That's why I asked Pirandello about his ex, I want to explore other's situations, as well. It helps me learn my lessons better.
To leave me alone, and not bring more drama, and confusion... and BS!!Quote:
I just want to know what others expected from their ex, immediately before their break up.
(Got dumped a lot, I might add)
To tell you the truth tree56, it's going to take me time to trust another woman, I also know not all women are like her. Same here for the beginning, she was shy, kind, affectionate, she loved to spend time with me. Then with time it's like it faded away, she became cold and distant and irritable.Quote:
Originally Posted by tree56
I never expected her to end the relationship the way she did, for such dumb reasons. I guess in the end they didn't care anymore, we were just another guy in their life and they want to be with someone else. I know she wanted a guy to spoil her and I wasn't spoiling her enough. So in my case she left because of superficial reasons. She was too high maintenance for me. Was your ex high maintenance ?
Whatever the reasons, I don't believe in blaming myself or her for the breakup. It happened, there is nothing I can do about it, I accept it as a lesson learned and in the future I will see the signs and patterns of superficial women and avoid them.
Are you still hurting from your breakup ? And don't be afraid to say it.
It's going to be 4 month soon and I am still hurting. It's OK to admit it.
Of course it still hurts. I'm on an emotional rollercoaster. At first, I was spending 90% of my time wishing she would come back, the other 10% wishing she would not. As time passed, the ratio progressively turned opposite, now let's say I'm more like 80% I don't want her to come back. I'm sure that soon enough I'll forget her 100%.
Can you please explain what do you mean by "high-maintenance"? English is not my native language, so there are a few idioms/phrases I don't quite understand. I think you mean it's a woman for which you have to make huge efforts to read her mind?
You also said "I know she wanted a guy to spoil her and i wasn't spoiling her enough". Can you please elaborate?
High maintenance just means they want a lot of your time and money to make them happy. You basically take care of there every waking need.Quote:
Originally Posted by tree56
The link below will give you an idea.Quote:
Originally Posted by tree56
AskMen.com - High Maintenance Women
High maintenance means, a woman who wants everything her way, you must spend a lot of money on her to make her happy. She thinks love is measured by the size of the gift or amount of money you spend on her. She is not a flexible giver. She is a taker, she wants to be spoiled. She cannot spend quality time with you alone, she always needs her friends around her, she expects you to pay all the tabs when you go out because you must treat her like a princess. After all, you are the man, so you are the provider and show her that she will never miss anything.Quote:
Originally Posted by tree56
She said to me straight to my face, '' I want to be spoiled '' after all the gifts I got her and all the times I took her out. It just was never enough for her. Always wanted more.
Some guys enjoy this type of women, I say good for them. If they have the financial power and patience to deal with them. I know it has something to do with attitude. If a woman with a good attitude loves you for who you are and not what you own, you will be happy.
Have I answered your question? Was your ex like this? Did you feel like you never did enough for her? Did you ask yourself the question, ''what do I have to do to make her happy?''
Today is her birthday, I have decided to not contact her, I will keep doing NC, birthday or not, holiday or not. Strict NC.
She don't deserve any birthday wishes anyway, after what she said on my birthday that she didn't have the same feelings for me anymore.
I am one step closer to moving on...
God bless.
Really? She said she had no feelings for you, on your birthday? Hell. Of course she deserves no wishes. Please remind me, how long has it been since you last had a contact with her? 4 months?
Pirandello, did she ever tell you what exactly where you doing wrong, so that she stopped having feelings for you? If not, where you ever able to understand by yourself? (if yes, can you share it with us?).
P.S: To answer one of your previous questions, if my ex was high maintenance.. Hmmmm, these are my points, and you can tell me your opinion:
(1)She was not, as far as money was concerned.. Or going out.. Yes, my fiance did ask me quite a few times if we could go out a bit more often, but she wasn't demanding it.. She would understand, when I told her that I was tired, etc... But, steadily over the years, I started to realize that we should get more socialized, so lately I was doing good efforts to meet her demands (without being a doormat). So, we started exploring our town's nightlife, having a really good time, and she seemed to be enjoying it.. And now, her "revenge" is to upload a bunch of pictures on her facebook profile (that is intentionally left unlocked), from the nights out with her new friends, to show me she's having the time of her life after our break up.. As if I was keeping her in a cage, during our relationship.
(2)She was a high maintenance woman, as far as her emotions were concerned.. She was insecure, constantly looking for emotional & physical approval.. She would ask me a million times per day if I loved her, and she would always think she's fat (although she had a great body).. Does this mean she was high-maintenance? Or is it normal for all women?
Quote:
Originally Posted by tree56
It's been 2 months I did not have any contact with her. 2 months of NC.
She never told me exatcly what I did wrong because I wasn't doing much wrong. She was just tired of arguments, she said we argued too much, I don't find we did. Everyone argues once in a while. The arguments were cause by money mainly. The other reason is that she always wanted to be with her friends and her friends constantly called her. It got quite annoying, her cell phone rang often and it just got on my nerves. Not much privacy.
So she was more a social person and always looked to be around people, and I was the opposite, I preferred privacy and I wanted us to be more alone. I guess she felt trapped too, I only saw her twice a week by the way. I will never understand what truly pushed her to break up, but I think the main reason is she didn't have much interest in me.
Pirandello, can you give us some extra info about your relationship? How long had you been together? Did you ever talk about marriage? What were your future plans? Did you share the same dreams about future?
Keep up with strict NC buddy, I have found out that ignoring your ex, is the only way to gain back your dignity, no matter how much of it you lost during your break up. It's the best way to take "revenge", to regain your lost status.
It's been 1.5 month I broke up, and already I feel like she's not necessary for me anymore. I am happy with myself, I can live without her. In fact, if somebody would ask me "how come you don't feel like calling her anymore, it's not a long time since you were crying for this woman", my answer would be "it just doesn't occurs to me, I don't feel like it".
BTW, have you ever watched the movie called "Swingers" (1996)? I watched it a couple days ago, please do yourself a favor and go rent it, it helps a lot. I already feel much better after watching it.
Be confident about yourself. As silly as this advice may sound coming from me (since it's not a long time I broke up), I can tell you that now I laugh about my ex, because I'm sure she'll someday regret her decision, regret for losing a special person like me, when she'll see how guys will treat her from now on. Self-confidence pal, is the most important thing. There is no need for us to try to read their mind. Probably they have some issues which need to get resolved.
OK tree56, we were together for about 14 months and a half. Yes we did talk about marriage and kids. I wanted to settle down with her but she wasn't ready yet, she wanted to travel more, not thinking of starting a family not yet.
She needs to mature and see what's out there, so I am setting her free to go see for herself. She will not find another guy who had the patience I had with her I can guarantee it.
I'm surprised your doing that well after 1 month and a half. It's been 3 months and a half for me and I am still having a hard time with it. June 14 with be the 4 month mark. I hope by then ill be OK, so far I'm doing better than I was 2 months ago.
Like you say, they have issues to resolve. They cannot be happy in any relationship if they don't resolve their own issues first. I know I tried hard to make it work, but there comes a point where you can't do it anymore and you just give up because their not showing any signs of effort or interest. At this point you just got to let go, if they truly love us they will come back...
If not, we got the rest of our life to find someone who truly cares and will take a bullet for you. Why waste time, money and energy on a woman who is cold and distant and is at the most 40% there for you, when you can have someone who will be 80% 90% for you, for better or for worse.
Let me ask you, did your ex threaten to break up often when you had arguments?
You asked Why waste time, money and energy on a woman who is cold and distant and is at the most 40% there for you, when you can have someone who will be 80% 90% for you, for better or for worse...
My answer is that people often do this, mostly because our partner -as a whole- is the very best we can find out there, and with little (or sometimes greater) effort, we can fix their flaws, make them become more interested to us.. As a matter of fact, I myself was thinking that she pretty much had everything a guy wanted. If a % score can be used (difficult though, but just to give you a picture), I would say that I believed that my ex was close to 100% for everything, i.e 90% as beautiful as I would desire, 90% as caring as I would desire, 90% of the times she would understand my needs, etc.. So, to answer your question, people are often afraid that their next partner, might be -for example- 100% beautiful as they would like, but only (e.g) 20% a good personality.. Or the other way round..
To be honest, I still have the same fear.. That maybe the next girlfriend of mine will be f****ng hot, but we won't have real mental connection between us.. Or something like that, anyway..
"let me ask you, did your ex threaten to break up often when you had arguments?"
No, she'd never threaten to break up.. In fact, I was the one that threatened her 4-5 times, during our 7-year relationship.. I'll give you a brief picture: for the first 5 years, I was the nervous guy, that couldn't quite control his temper.. But she knew it from the beginning, she accepted it as my only fault, since otherwise I was a great guy.. But, over the last 2 years, don't know how, I managed to eliminate this flaw of mine.. So, what remained, was an -almost- perfect guy (not my opinion, this was something SHE would admit).. However, in the last 2 weeks before our break up, I suggested 1-2 times we should break up, because I saw she became very very distant & cold.
Hope I answered your questions. Once again, a very long post of mine :):):)
Thank you for your reply, this is clear indeed. Do you think she is regretting that she threaten to break up with me so many times and it finally happened?
Maybe she wanted to see my breaking point. I saved the relationship from a break up many times, but this time was the last. After 2 months we broke up, she said to me, ''i thought you were going to try to get me back... ''. I didn't, I was fed up of her stupid childish mind games.
All I can give you as advice, do not fear the future, do not think you will not find a great girl, you will. Just take your time, make sure your over your ex, don't compare your ex with the new girl and do NOT talk about your ex with the new girl.
And if you into her 90%, she better be into you in the 95% and up. If she is not, your in trouble, cause she will sense that she will have control since your interest is higher.
Remember, the one who has less interest in the other has control.
The minute you appear insecure, less confident, inferior, your screwed. Did you notice when you appear like you don't care or evasive, they want you more, it's like you become a magnet. That's how I was in the beginnng. Then I changed and started to get attached to her and she changed too and became more distant.
May I ask, what are the main reasons she broke up with you tree?
"The minute you appear insecure, less confident, inferior, your screwed. Did you notice when you appear like you don't care or evasive, they want you more, it's like you become a magnet. That's how i was in the beginnng. Then i changed and started to get attached to her and she changed too and became more distant."
Oh yeah that's true. From the day we got engaged, it seemed as if she needn't prove to me things, as if she felt secure, thinking like "oh ok, now he's mine, he gave me the ring".. And, guess what.. I became more and more attached to her, as well.
So, to answer your question, what were the reasons she broke up with me.. Well, the reason she says that made her take the decision (although not true), is that during our last fight, she made me SO angry, that I spoke a few bad words to her.. So, she said that she couldn't forgive me (despite the fact that I said a thousand times how sorry I was)..
Obviously, she had other issues.. Now that 1.5 month has passed, I can think clearly. Trying to remember what happened the days (2-3) prior to our break up, I can see that she was desperately looking for a reason to make me angry, just because she knew I will misbehave, using this as a good reason to break up, so that she wouldn't feel guilty. Get it? Simple enough.
So, the real reason she broke up with me was because she wanted to explore what's out there, wanted to make new friends, possibly find a new partner. Otherwise, I can't explain how on earth could she be in the mood to open a Facebook account on the day we broke up, getting socialized with a bunch of new guys, etc (plus, having a blast at the town's most famous club, a few days after our break up)..
Pirandello, so let's say it's our fault, we shouldn't get that attached to them.. Do you think there is any chance of them getting back to us, using the NC rule? Is there any way to right our wrongs, or did we reach a point where's nothing we can do, even if strictly apply NC to show them we don't care anymore?
Why would you want someone that has dumped you on your a$$, back??Quote:
Pirandello, so let's say it's our fault, we shouldn't get that attached to them.. Do you think there is any chance of them getting back to us, using the NC rule? Is there any way to right our wrongs, or did we reach a point where's nothing we can do, even if strictly apply NC to show them we don't care anymore?
That's crazy, to want someone who has proved they don't want you.
The ifs and buts are the Devil in disguise right now , its stops you concentrating on yourself and that's why you get stuck.
What she did or what she thinks are irrelevant and a complete waste of energy because you have absolutely no control over it anyway.
In my opinion, and not everyone will agree with me, but I think if they come back they deserve a second chance, but you cannot make it too easy for them to come back, if you love her and if she still loves you and regrets what she did. You must show her that if she does this again it's over for good. She only has one second chance. You must be clear about this.Quote:
Originally Posted by tree56
Look once I broke up with this amazing woman and I regretted it later, but she gave me a second chance and I loved her even more for that. She had a forgiving heart. It is possible for a woman to dump a guy and regret it later, we are all humans and we make mistakes. But for you to refuse her and make her suffer for the rest of her life, when all she wanted was a second chance?
Set her free by doing NC, if she comes back she's yours forever, if she doesn't she was never yours to begin with. If she comes back and you refuse her, than you will never know if she really loved you. I can tell you that a woman can regret breaking up because of many reasons, I will name you a few : Peer pressure, Parents and family pressure, she had mixed emotions after a big argument, she thought she could find a better guy than you. Money, pms, different culture. etc...
If one day she realizes she was wrong and her love for you is stronger than the above reasons than she deserves a second chance. But if you just block her forever even if she begs for forgiveness, I think it's a big mistake and you might regret it the rest of your life.
If she doesn't come back, at least you did NC and showed her you have a life and you can live without her. In my situation she broke up, so I ain't doing nothing to try to get her back. Tough to do, but it's for my own good. If she don't regret what she did then so be it, she will never see my face again. No friendship, no casual, nothing. Gone forever.
You got to be strong bro, let me ask you, did you take back the ring or she kept it? Tree.
Yeah, I did get back the ring pal.. I asked a female friend of mine to visit her at her place, she gave back an expensive watch I received when we got engaged, she gave back the ring I bought her. But, she (intentionally?) "forgot" to give back my clothes (2-3 pieces). She's still keeping my clothes pal, don't know what that means. However, I don't really care, at least as much as I did a month ago.
You have a truly big heart Pirandello. Don't know if I could ever forgive her, no matter what her explanation will be when (and if, ever) she comes back. Even if she has the most rational explanation on earth for her behavior, I doubt if I can ever have feelings for her, anymore.
You've heard the phrase that goes like "once a cheater, always a cheater".. I'll paraphrase, and say "once a dumper, always a dumper".. Bro, in my opinion, even if she begs/pleads/cries to have a second chance, and you give it to her.. Guess what'll happen? Next time she gets bored with your relationship, she'll think "ah, I need a break again, I'll dump him one more time.. What the heck, I'll have some tear-dropping sessions & waterworks, I'll make some promises, he'll forgive me again"..
If they can live once away from us (I mean long breaks, for >2 months), they'll be able to do it again pal... True love is when your partner can't live even 1 day away from you.. Watch out...
OK you are right, but... Let's say she is doing this to test her feelings, maybe she did this to see if she can live happy without you or not. Maybe she wants to be sure you are the one she wants to spend the rest of her life with. Maybe she will go and date a few guys and it will never work out and she will want to come back because she misses you like crazy.Quote:
Originally Posted by tree56
By doing NC, they will miss us even more, we won't be there for them to make them feel secure, I think this will drive them nutts. Sometimes it takes a long break to teach them a lifetime lesson.
Bro she expects me to run after her, try to get her back. I told her clearly that will never happen. I think it's her ego or pride talking. I think even though they are apart from us for more than 2 months, it is still possible for them to love us and have feelings, to say it's true love then I must agree with you, I doubt it's true love.
I would never dump my true love and ask her to be my casual girlfriend 2 months later. That would be a big insult to her.
What would you do if she calls back and asks to be casual with you? (friends with benefits)
Aahhh, come on.. I don't believe in friendship, after a devastating break up.. Neither does my ex, what about your ex?
If she calls back and asks for my friendship, it's a definite sign she wants us to be a couple again.
Pirandello, there is something u said, that has been swirling my mind, that put me in deep consideration.. "Sometimes it takes a long break to teach them a lifetime lesson".. However, her dumping is a very, very hard pill to swallow.. So, I guess, if she calls back, whether I'll forgive her or not really depends on what she has to say (although I admit there are few explanations that can make me forgive her)..
Would you accept your girl back, if she told you that she dated a couple other guys, but finally understood that all others are jerks and you are THE one?
If ever my ex told me such a thing, I wouldn't be able to forgive her.. Picturing her, being touched/kissed by another guy (or having sex with), makes me want to puke.. Yikes.. This should be a definite non-return point... Last time I checked, I was not a spare part... Neither are you.
Already, seeing pictures of her on Facebook having fun at the club with new guys, that was enough for me.. Let alone if I'd ever find out she hooked up with one of those...
Interesting comments young fellows. I would not assume, or presume the actions, of an ex, especially given you can't control the feelings of another through NC, or any other means. Sounds good on paper, and for your egos, to punish them for life, because they dumped you, but the reality is, they find someone else, and so will you.
Not realistic to really think there is only one person in the world for you either, as reality and life, will prove that is not the case.
I comment just to point out, your healing is not complete as of yet, just because most of us who do heal are very wary, if not down right against, giving exes a second chance. Like respect, that's not something anyone deserves, they earn it through actions, and deeds over time.
Willing to bet you both, soon that will be your attitude also, if you have truly found out what we all do, happiness starts with you not them.
A little update, it's been 4 month's today since the breakup. What can I say? What is my conclusion of this, How do I feel?
Simple, in life sometimes we do not want to accept the reality of things but unfortunately it happens. We see it as a bad thing for a while, but slowly we start to realize it's for the better. You will lose less hair and probably get less gray hair and will lead a healthier life.
A bad relationship can affect your health and your life in a significant way. If money or other superficial things come between a couple, it's time to talk about it or get the hell out of there.
My conclusion is, yes I loved her very much, but I could not deal with her bad attitude anymore, if she loved me as much she would have stopped the bad attitude, but she did not.
I do not regret my decision to refuse casual relationship with her, I know I did the right thing, I keep my dignity and it won't be on her terms. Yes at times I still miss her, was it attachment? Love? I do not know.
Anyway just wanted to say it's been 4 months and it is possible to live happy again without her. One day at a time, we find ways to survive and not fall into depression.
When do you know you have completely healed and moved on?
I met some girls recently and I could not get into a serious relationship with them and they got hurt when I refused.
When do you know your ready again?
When your happy with what your doing.Quote:
When do you know your ready again?
When you don't need to ask anymore , just be patient.Quote:
Originally Posted by PirandelloLuigi
Hmmmm, difficult question..
I guess it depends on each individual... I suppose that you know you are ready, when:
1)you don't check your email inbox as often as you did 3 months ago. Or,
2)last time you went out with your friends you realized that you had a really good time without her. Or,
3)the ratio between happy/sad moments in your daily life is something like 80/20 (compared to a 10/90 a couple of months ago). Or,
4)you felt the desire to flirt again with those pretty ladies that kept staring at you the night you went out with your friends
I strongly believe that if more than 2 conditions from the above are true, then you're ready to move on (which can eventually lead to complete healing).
Pirandello, you said you refused to get in a serious relationship with some girls you met recently. Have you ever thought that it's not necessary to go for a serious relationship? You can just start flirting, and then you'll see what happens, your progress. It's not necessary for you to get seriously committed with a woman so soon.
Absolutely, I will not get serious with any girl right now, not ready, it's summer and it's time to have fun. Flirt around and just stay happy and cool. No time for comittment.Quote:
Originally Posted by tree56
Be happy with yourself first. Enjoy the freedom of the single life again. No pressure, no pms from a nagging pain in the... girlfriend. More financial freedom to do what you want.
So many things to look forward to.
2 months ago it felt like a big nightmare, now it's sinking in and acceptance and moving forward is the best things you can do. Don't look back anymore.
You will know. When you don't have to ask about whether you are ready to move on or not, is when you're ready.
2 months is not that long in the whole time line of things. It will take longer for you truly except everything an let go. Once that happens, you will be ready.
Give yourself time and don't rush. There is plenty of time left in your life to find someone else.
A little summer update, July 3rd will be 3 months I have'nt heard or spoke to ex-girlfriend.
I have made a little analogy of the relationship I was in to help me move on. Here it goes.
Basically the relationship we had was like an airplane.
In the beginning we have the take off (making out)
Then as the plane takes altitude we go in cruising mode (best times of the relationship).
Then we get turbulence (first arguments and obstacles)
Then for those that could not survive the relationship you get the crash landing, ( The breakup ).
Then you try to pick up the pieces, try to get back together, but if the breakup was really bad, there is too many pieces to pick up.
It's broken, it crashed.
If you suvived the crash, pick up your gear and move out, go find a new airplane and start a new trip.
It will be a better trip and this time maybe you will stay in cruising altitude for a longer time and a smooth landing.
A little message of hope and cheer up to those who are still sad about their break up. Better times ahead.
Quote:
Originally Posted by PirandelloLuigi
Very good analogy... How you been Piran? Haven't talked to u in a while. Glad to see you are doing well!!
The girl reminds me of my ex.
We broke up 3 weeks ago, like a fool
I chased after her all over the place
And kept asking her to come back EVERY SINGLE DAY. Starting NC now...
Need to get my life together
PL, glad to see that you are doing well. Things only go up from here.
Stick with the NC. And yes, if at all possible try to see your dentist at another location where you won't run into her, even if you have to go out of your way to do so.
I've been like NC for I think 3 weeks now and man I haven't felt better. I actually like being single lol, I now kind of wish she broke up with me earlier.
Hi lovestoned, I am doing well thanks, I can say I have improved a lot since last post.Quote:
Originally Posted by LoveStoned
I still have thoughts of her in the morning, but then goes away...
I met a few women, but I could not continue seeing them as I kept thinking of my ex while I was with them, not healthy.
So I just keep busy with my 3D modeling work and maybe going back to school soon.
I think a year being alone will do me good.
How about you Lovestoned? How you doing?
Quote:
Originally Posted by jlove09
Keep to strict NC my friend, it will help me you a lot. Chasing her will just push her away.
You got to show her and yourself, you can live your life without her.
Think of it as a break, just like a soccer match, the first half has ended, time to pause and reflect and if destiny wants it you will have a second half with her, if not, well...
Move on and start a new soccer game...
Never beg someone to take you back if they don't want you in the first place.
In time maybe they will be the ones begging you to come back...
It has happened to me before.
Cheer up dude you can do it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by s_cianci
I arranged something and I won't have to go back anymore and in the future I will go to a new dental office closer to my house.
I haven't broken NC for 3 months now and it's going to stay that way.
Thanks cianci
Hi Piran, great to hear from you, again.. I'm glad you've made progress.. But, I disagree with what you said about staying a year alone, and then commit to a new relationship.. Pal, it's going to happen sooner than that, I promise.. 3 months of NC, have the positive thoughts about your ex been dissolved, even to the slightest degree? Normally, after that period, we tend to forget about positive aspects of our ex and concentrate on their bads
Definitely I been concentrating on all the bad thoughts. I concluded she was a bit crazy and she drove me crazy too. I think it depends for each person. I believe I will need longer before I can get in another relationship.Quote:
Originally Posted by tree56
Whatever the time it takes, take the time to heal properly and not do a rebound, your just going to hurt someone else's feelings for revenge of your ex.
It's OK to be alone for a while. No big deal. And when you meet the right girl you will appreciate it more because you waited and you know how it feels to be alone for a while.
You will deserve it.
Piran is right
Everyone has a different time frame and it's actually not a good idea to say how long before you can back out there.
Just enjoy your new found freedom and take each day as it comes , only you will know when your ready.
Glad to see you've come out of it well Piran , you seem to have learnt quite a few lessons from this , don't lose them :)
Good luck!
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