Ask Me Help Desk - Need some advice

Quote:

Originally Posted by darkdays

Don't worry, I definitely will. I've lost my trust in women to be stable enough to have a family with.

You already have four kids! How do you support them? Relationships shouldn't always mean having children. How in the worl do you think these innocent childre are feeling? You talk more about your feelings and only mention your kids when you are asked. You complain about the way you feel, but how do your children feel? Who supports them? How often do you see them?

Anyone can get a woman pregnant, but it takes a real man to be a Daddy. You are starting to tick me off dark. :mad:

When you say family, not sure what you mean, anymore. My dear friends are my family, too.

Priorities again. You and your son are family. Without her to confuse you.

Work on yourself, man.
Take the time.

Be that together person and look for that in others.

Only repeat good things, and look for more or them.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kitkat22

You already have four kids! How do you support them? Relationships shouldn't always mean having children. How in the worl do you think these innocent childre are feeling? You talk more about your feelings and only mention your kids when you are asked. You complain about the way you feel, but how do your children feel? Who supports them? How often do you see them?

Anyone can get a woman pregnant, but it takes a real man to be a Daddy. you are starting to tick me off dark. :mad:

And your starting to tick me off Kat, and I don't really care for your codemning demeaner at all.
First of all, Im not on here because I have issues with my kids, because I don't. I came onto the relationships board to talk about the relationship, not my kids. I don't think I need to, I don't need to keep bringing up my kids to you to prove that I love and care for them to please you.
I support my kids, and I wanted them to have a family. I am the one in these relationships that was committed to giving them a family. I never left them, they left. I am a real man and a very good father, so where ever you get your little inclination that Im not, well, it's not coming from me. It seems you have personal issues.
Any woman can get knocked up, but it takes a real woman to give their child a family.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vanheart

When you say family, not sure what you mean, anymore. My dear friends are my family, too.

Priorities again. You and your son are family. Without her to confuse you.

Work on yourself, man.
Take the time.

Be that together person and look for that in others.

Only repeat good things, and look for more or them.

When I say family, I mean my children growing up with their mother and father together. That's a family that they deserve. Having children and then breaking up is to me a dishonor to having the child in the first place.

Like I said, learning from things.

The things that don't go as planned. And why.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vanheart

Like I said, learning from things.

The things that dont go as planned. And why.

Exactly, and that's why I don't want any more children. I've learned not to trust women as far as having a child with them.
Then, if the relationship breaks, no children are affected.
Women don't seem to me to be able to carry on life long commitments, and that's what I've learned from experience.

Quote:

Originally Posted by darkdays

And your starting to tick me off Kat, and I don't really care for your codemning demeaner at all.
First of all, Im not on here because I have issues with my kids, because I don't. I came onto the relationships board to talk about the relationship, not my kids. I don't think I need to, as a matter of fact I don't need to keep bringing up my kids to you to prove that I love and care for them to please you.
I support my kids, and I wanted them to have a family. I am the one in these relationships that was commited to giving them a family. I never left them, they left. I am a real man and a very good father, so where ever you get your little inclination that Im not, well, it's not coming from me. It seems you have personal issues.
Any woman can get knocked up, but it takes a real woman to give their child a family.

My four kids are grown and living productive lives. My husband and I were always there for them. The had a stable homelife. A stable homelife is where the mother and father put their kids first. We aren't the ones here asking for help you are and you just seem to go on and on and on about how you feel and what's good for you. You also cannot take constructive criticism. Good luck.

You say you signed on here about your relationship, not to talk about kids.

Then talk about family.

Our whole existence is about relationships. From the day were able to formulate one. And the ones we have after, and how we went about them.

Concentrate on the things that matter most. Again priorities.

You got a new job right? And a new son?

Change is good.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kitkat22

My four kids are grown and living productive lives. My husband and I were always there for them. The had a stable homelife. A stable homelife is where the mother and father put their kids first. We aren't the ones here asking for help you are and you just seem to go on and on and on about how you feel and whats good for you. You also cannot take constructive criticism. Good luck.

And I applaud you and your husband for doing what was right. Raising your children together. That's exactly throughout this whole thread I've been talking about and is pretty much the whole point. Trust me, if I didn't have a child with her, I would have never thought twice about the breakup. My whole persistence in trying to save this relationship was to give my child the family he deserves.
But, because of her immature attitude and lack of morals, it's impossible to give him that. When my ex-wife and I had our first born, I was instantaneously committed to doing what was right. And as far as any problems her and I would face in our relationship, my commitment says to work things out and evolve our lives together so not only can we have a better relationship, but our children have a solid foundation on which to grow up properly and happily in a secure family.
When my ex-girlfriend got pregnant, I made the same commitment.
I never had casual sex to any woman. It was love and commitment, so it wasn't like I was just out messing around.
It was them that couldn't maintain the commitment, not me. Understand?
As you and your husband had made that commitment, and you apparently know what it takes, so have I. But it takes two, doesn't it.
I did all I could do.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vanheart

You say you signed on here about your relationship, not to talk about kids.

Then talk about family.

Our whole existence is about relationships. From the day were able to formulate one. And the ones we have after, and how we went about them.

Concentrate on the things that matter most. Again priorities.

You got a new job right? And a new son?

Change is good.

I am. Im putting the impossible past behind and moving on. New job, yes. My son, well he's two years old.

Quote:

Originally Posted by darkdays

And I applaud you and your husband for doing what was right. Raising your children together. That's exactly throughout this whole thread I've been talking about and is pretty much the whole point. Trust me, if I didn't have a child with her, I would have never thought twice about the breakup. My whole persistence in trying to save this relationship was to give my child the family he deserves.
But, because of her immature attitude and lack of morals, it's impossible to give him that. When my ex-wife and I had our first born, I was instantaneously commited to doing what was right. And as far as any problems her and I would face in our relationship, my commitment says to work things out and evolve our lives together so not only can we have a better relationship, but our children have a solid foundation on which to grow up properly and happily in a secure family.
When my ex-girlfriend got pregnant, I made the same exact commitment.
I never had casual sex to any woman. It was love and commitment, so it wasn't like I was just out messing around.
It was them that couldn't maintain the commitment, not me. Understand?
As you and your husband had made that commitment, and you apparently know what it takes, so have I. But it takes two, doesn't it.
I did all I could do.

How many children do you have by the ex wife, ex girlfriend?

Just not the right women for you.

Maybe that's the whole thing. Need a woman & a family to complete.

Start with yourself first.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vanheart

Just not the right women for you.

Maybe thats the whole thing. Need a woman & a family to complete.

Start with yourself first.

Exactly, couldn't agree more with that first sentence.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kitkat22

How many children do you have by the ex wife, ex girlfriend?

I have two sons and a daughter with my ex-wife. They are 12, 7, and 5
I have one son with my ex-girlfriend. He is 2

Very easy to blame the female for being flawed, but what's telling is the only thing they have in common is you. Hmm, wonder what factor that plays in the equation? Or what it says in your choice of females? Either way, it could stand a bit of honest evaluation.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Very easy to blame the female for being flawed, but whats telling is the only thing they have in common is you. Hmm, wonder what factor that plays in the equation? Or what it says in your choice of females?? Either way, it could stand a bit of honest evaluation.

Couldn't have said better! I mean that!:)

Hello?

Quote:

Originally Posted by vanheart

Hello?

Sorry Van did I grab a thread?

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Very easy to blame the female for being flawed, but whats telling is the only thing they have in common is you. Hmm, wonder what factor that plays in the equation? Or what it says in your choice of females?? Either way, it could stand a bit of honest evaluation.

Well Tal, in all honesty, I have evaluated it.
With my ex-wife, it was more of me working a lot and not giving her the time she needed, but at the time I had a lot going on with the new house and everything else we had, so I had to work a lot. She didn't want to work, so it was all my burden. Then she spent too much money at one time and put us into some debt. To save what we had, I had to cut her off all credit cards and bank accounts. If she wanted money, she had to ask me. I couldn't trust her. Needless to say, she got tired of that and left.
My ex-girlfriend had issues I knew nothing about until after she was already pregnant with our son. Too many issues to go into right now, it would be a book to write

Nope. I meant hellooooooooowww??

Quote:

Originally Posted by vanheart

Nope. I meant hellooooooooowww????

Thanks! You give really great advice!:)

Now learn from all of that.
Stop the blame & take some responsibility. Then, now & the next day.

Write your own book. The one of how you started taking charge of your life.

Not blaming bad choices. Scratch that, include that in your new book.

Quote:

My ex-girlfriend had issues I knew nothing about until after she was already pregnant with our son. Too many issues to go into right now, it would be a book to write

Trying to make a family with a female just because they are there makes no sense and you can see that you jump in rather fast when its going good, then find out later that the are not right for you.

I highly suggest you stop getting carried away with these females you choose, and get to know if the are a good fit by finding out before you get carried away. That takes time, more than a few months, as the lust maybe distracting you from seeing their true nature.

If you don't it's a crap shoot with the choices in females you make, whether the are really wife material, because frankly, I don't think your paying that close attention when you choose them.

Their issues, and shortcomings, and your failure to find out about them, are what keep this cycle of bad choices going, so that's where your changes need to be made. Take more time to see if they are a good fit, before you get all gung ho, over being a family.

I agree with Talaniman. What these women might just be showing in the beginning is what they think you are looking for in a woman, but is just a false personna of who they really are. And they do this just to get you to take the bate. Once you made a commitment to them, as in having a child with them, or marriage, they show their true personality because they now know they already have you. It seems through your testimony on here, that's exactly what happened. And don't get me wrong. I think you have very admirable intentions. Your heart and loyalty was there, and maybe you had the tools it takes to have a great relationship and family, but they simply do not.
This is the lesson you need to learn, to take much more time to get to know the women you meet. It doesn't take living with them, having children with them, or even marrying them to get to the true side of their nature. In time without those things, people do end of showing their true colours, and showing signs of who they really are. And as you stated, when you don't have any of these commitments with them, it's much easier to walk away from. And there won't be any children caught in the middle resulting from the terrible relationship you came out of.

Quote:

Originally Posted by sabrewolfe

I agree with Talaniman. What these women might just be showing in the beginning is what they think you are looking for in a woman, but is just a false personna of who they really are. And they do this just to get you to take the bate. Once you made a commitment to them, as in having a child with them, or marriage, they show their true personality because they now know they already have you. It seems through your testimony on here, that's exactly what happened. And don't get me wrong. I think you have very admirable intentions. Your heart and loyalty was there, and maybe you had the tools it takes to have a great relationship and family, but they simply do not.
This is the lesson you need to learn, to take much more time to get to know the women you meet. It doesn't take living with them, having children with them, or even marrying them to get to the true side of their nature. In time without those things, people do end of showing their true colours, and showing signs of who they really are. And as you stated, when you don't have any of these commitments with them, it's much easier to walk away from. And there won't be any children caught in the middle resulting from the terrible relationship you came out of.

I didn't expect things to go the way they did. I guess I just have more trust in people than I should. And I did learn that lesson, the hard way. I will be taking more time to get to know who they really are from now on.

Trust and all that comes from within. Our skillset when it come to relationships. Or lack thereof.

First things first

Get to know who you really are first. Don't say "they" say "you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vanheart

Trust and all that comes from within. Our skillset when it come to relationships. Or lack thereof.

First things first

Get to know who you really are first. Dont say "they" say "you.

Vanheart, I already know who I am. To be honest though, I did lose some of that throughout these past three years with her. I know who I was, and trying to get that back again.
For me, I realized some things since I've last been on here. Who I was, and part of who Iam, still has strong moral values. My values tell me, to make a relationship work, both people have to be on board, even in the rough times, and stick it out and work through it before they ever expect to have a life together. She simply didn't have that capacity or moral values as I have. Because of this, no matter what happened, whether I was right or wrong about other things I may have or may have not did, the relationship would have never lasted without her full commitment as well. I don't actually think it's because of me or her past boyfriends, or anyone she will ever meet again. She just isn't stable enough for anyone to have a long lasting relationship, or let alone a family with her.
I was fooled in the beginning. I was also naïve. And I do not and will not no matter what, blame myself for any of it. Because you can't get through problems or anything else with anyone who sin't there half the time.
By the way, that girl I met at the bank last night gave me a call. We talked for a while, and decided to get together two Friday nights from now. We emailed each other briefly today and we are both looking forward to it.
Now, another slight problem I need to deal with immediately. Im very happy with this new adventure to come, but thinking that it could actually work between her and me scares me a little. Maybe Im making too much of it, but the thought that I would have to put my ex behind me for good in order to build any kind of relationship with this new girl is a little depressing. I know I need to do it, but it's a little harder than I thought.

"but thinking that it could actually work between her and me scares me a little"

I would be too. Especially because you aren't even close to healing from the last one. Let alone don't really know this person & vis-versa.

Don't be depressed by that. That's has seemed to be part of the issue all along. Getting with the wrong women and not being in touch with yourself first.

No matter how much would are certain we know you we are, there's always more. Taking a very hard and honest look at ourselves.

Read Tal's last post.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vanheart

"but thinking that it could actually work between her and me scares me a little"

I would be too. Especially because you arent even close to healing from the last one. Let alone dont really know this person & vis-versa.

Dont be depressed by that. Thats has seemed to be part of the issue all along. Getting with the wrong women and not being in touch with yourself first.

No matter how much would are certain we know you we are, theres always more. Taking a very hard and honest look at ourselves.

Read Tal's last post.

I just don't know why things have to be so stupid and complicated in relatiionships. If my ex would have just taken our relationship seriously, things owuldn't be so confusing.

Well, that's in the past now.

Take a step back. You aren't in any rush now. Unless its about rushing the healing process.

Ive been single now for almost a year. First time a LONG time.

And Im digging it. Sure I miss the idea of having someone, but for the wrong reasons. Like filling some void or misdirected intentions.

Did that before and it ended up biting me in the you know where.

Its actually been a godsend. Ive been able to use this getting to know myself a bit better. For me first. Others later.

Im not too worried about "finding" someone, but I sure as hell aren't searching. When its right, I will know.

All because I took the time.

Hey Vanheart, do you have any kids? Ever been married? How old are you?

We went through this. Been married. No kids.
Im 45.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vanheart

We went through this. Been married. No kids.
Im 45.

Oh, sorry. Thanks.

No prob.

Everyone's story is different. But the common thread (as I see it)
Is learning from our mistakes & successes. To repeat what works and apply more of that, and remove or change what hasn't.

The key is becoming in touch with ourselves. Working hard at that.

Ive spent a lot of time neglecting those things.

All right, here's the latest. I need someone's take on this.
A few weeks go, I decided to limit contact with my ex-girlfriend to only asking about our son very occasionally. Last weekend, Saturday night very late, she calls me telling me how mad she is at me for things not working out and telling me she loves me I think she was drinking also. Through this past week, she emailed me saying she was sorry for calling me and said she wouldn't do it again. I said it was OK, but wanted to know if she meant what she was saying. She said she did, and wanted to know if I wanted to meet up next Friday night for a movie, and Saturday spend time with her and our son again at the park and maybe cook out. I said yes, of course.
But I just don't know how to think about all this or what to make of her, or why all of a sudden she wants to get together again.

Probably limiting contact has got her wondering what you are up to.
(not focusing on her)

Hence the drunk call.

I would play this the same. You & your son come first.
Don't rely her to make your decisions.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vanheart

Probably limiting contact has got her wondering what you are up to.
(not focusing on her)

Hence the drunk call.

I would play this the same. You & your son come first.
Dont rely her to make your decisions.

Yeah, but what about getting together with her next week? I said I would. Shouldn't I?

What does your gut say?

This kind of said it:

"But I just don't know how to think about all this or what to make of her, or why all of a sudden she wants to get together again.

Go back & read Tals post about relying too much on women in order to make you happy.

Maybe keep the son day & nix the movie date.

Sounds a bit fishy. She been fine w/o you & visa-versa for the past few weeks.

But what bad could come from seeing a movie with her?
What do you think her motives are, if any?

That's the question I guess, her motives and yours. People don't change in a matter of weeks.

I love movies. So much that I even go alone sometimes.