[Kitkat22]

Nope. I meant hellooooooooowww????

Thanks! You give really great advice!:)

[vanheart]

Now learn from all of that.
Stop the blame & take some responsibility. Then, now & the next day.

Write your own book. The one of how you started taking charge of your life.

Not blaming bad choices. Scratch that, include that in your new book.

[talaniman]

My ex-girlfriend had issues I knew nothing about until after she was already pregnant with our son. Too many issues to go into right now, it would be a book to write

Trying to make a family with a female just because they are there makes no sense and you can see that you jump in rather fast when its going good, then find out later that the are not right for you.

I highly suggest you stop getting carried away with these females you choose, and get to know if the are a good fit by finding out before you get carried away. That takes time, more than a few months, as the lust maybe distracting you from seeing their true nature.

If you don't it's a crap shoot with the choices in females you make, whether the are really wife material, because frankly, I don't think your paying that close attention when you choose them.

Their issues, and shortcomings, and your failure to find out about them, are what keep this cycle of bad choices going, so that's where your changes need to be made. Take more time to see if they are a good fit, before you get all gung ho, over being a family.

[sabrewolfe]

I agree with Talaniman. What these women might just be showing in the beginning is what they think you are looking for in a woman, but is just a false personna of who they really are. And they do this just to get you to take the bate. Once you made a commitment to them, as in having a child with them, or marriage, they show their true personality because they now know they already have you. It seems through your testimony on here, that's exactly what happened. And don't get me wrong. I think you have very admirable intentions. Your heart and loyalty was there, and maybe you had the tools it takes to have a great relationship and family, but they simply do not.
This is the lesson you need to learn, to take much more time to get to know the women you meet. It doesn't take living with them, having children with them, or even marrying them to get to the true side of their nature. In time without those things, people do end of showing their true colours, and showing signs of who they really are. And as you stated, when you don't have any of these commitments with them, it's much easier to walk away from. And there won't be any children caught in the middle resulting from the terrible relationship you came out of.

[darkdays]

I agree with Talaniman. What these women might just be showing in the beginning is what they think you are looking for in a woman, but is just a false personna of who they really are. And they do this just to get you to take the bate. Once you made a commitment to them, as in having a child with them, or marriage, they show their true personality because they now know they already have you. It seems through your testimony on here, that's exactly what happened. And don't get me wrong. I think you have very admirable intentions. Your heart and loyalty was there, and maybe you had the tools it takes to have a great relationship and family, but they simply do not.
This is the lesson you need to learn, to take much more time to get to know the women you meet. It doesn't take living with them, having children with them, or even marrying them to get to the true side of their nature. In time without those things, people do end of showing their true colours, and showing signs of who they really are. And as you stated, when you don't have any of these commitments with them, it's much easier to walk away from. And there won't be any children caught in the middle resulting from the terrible relationship you came out of.

I didn't expect things to go the way they did. I guess I just have more trust in people than I should. And I did learn that lesson, the hard way. I will be taking more time to get to know who they really are from now on.

[vanheart]

Trust and all that comes from within. Our skillset when it come to relationships. Or lack thereof.

First things first

Get to know who you really are first. Don't say "they" say "you.

[darkdays]

Trust and all that comes from within. Our skillset when it come to relationships. Or lack thereof.

First things first

Get to know who you really are first. Dont say "they" say "you.

Vanheart, I already know who I am. To be honest though, I did lose some of that throughout these past three years with her. I know who I was, and trying to get that back again.
For me, I realized some things since I've last been on here. Who I was, and part of who Iam, still has strong moral values. My values tell me, to make a relationship work, both people have to be on board, even in the rough times, and stick it out and work through it before they ever expect to have a life together. She simply didn't have that capacity or moral values as I have. Because of this, no matter what happened, whether I was right or wrong about other things I may have or may have not did, the relationship would have never lasted without her full commitment as well. I don't actually think it's because of me or her past boyfriends, or anyone she will ever meet again. She just isn't stable enough for anyone to have a long lasting relationship, or let alone a family with her.
I was fooled in the beginning. I was also naïve. And I do not and will not no matter what, blame myself for any of it. Because you can't get through problems or anything else with anyone who sin't there half the time.
By the way, that girl I met at the bank last night gave me a call. We talked for a while, and decided to get together two Friday nights from now. We emailed each other briefly today and we are both looking forward to it.
Now, another slight problem I need to deal with immediately. Im very happy with this new adventure to come, but thinking that it could actually work between her and me scares me a little. Maybe Im making too much of it, but the thought that I would have to put my ex behind me for good in order to build any kind of relationship with this new girl is a little depressing. I know I need to do it, but it's a little harder than I thought.

[vanheart]

"but thinking that it could actually work between her and me scares me a little"

I would be too. Especially because you aren't even close to healing from the last one. Let alone don't really know this person & vis-versa.

Don't be depressed by that. That's has seemed to be part of the issue all along. Getting with the wrong women and not being in touch with yourself first.

No matter how much would are certain we know you we are, there's always more. Taking a very hard and honest look at ourselves.

Read Tal's last post.

[darkdays]

"but thinking that it could actually work between her and me scares me a little"

I would be too. Especially because you arent even close to healing from the last one. Let alone dont really know this person & vis-versa.

Dont be depressed by that. Thats has seemed to be part of the issue all along. Getting with the wrong women and not being in touch with yourself first.

No matter how much would are certain we know you we are, theres always more. Taking a very hard and honest look at ourselves.

Read Tal's last post.

I just don't know why things have to be so stupid and complicated in relatiionships. If my ex would have just taken our relationship seriously, things owuldn't be so confusing.

[vanheart]

Well, that's in the past now.

Take a step back. You aren't in any rush now. Unless its about rushing the healing process.

Ive been single now for almost a year. First time a LONG time.

And Im digging it. Sure I miss the idea of having someone, but for the wrong reasons. Like filling some void or misdirected intentions.

Did that before and it ended up biting me in the you know where.

Its actually been a godsend. Ive been able to use this getting to know myself a bit better. For me first. Others later.

Im not too worried about "finding" someone, but I sure as hell aren't searching. When its right, I will know.

All because I took the time.

[darkdays]

Hey Vanheart, do you have any kids? Ever been married? How old are you?

[vanheart]

We went through this. Been married. No kids.
Im 45.

[darkdays]

We went through this. Been married. No kids.
Im 45.

Oh, sorry. Thanks.

[vanheart]

No prob.

Everyone's story is different. But the common thread (as I see it)
Is learning from our mistakes & successes. To repeat what works and apply more of that, and remove or change what hasn't.

The key is becoming in touch with ourselves. Working hard at that.

Ive spent a lot of time neglecting those things.

[darkdays]

All right, here's the latest. I need someone's take on this.
A few weeks go, I decided to limit contact with my ex-girlfriend to only asking about our son very occasionally. Last weekend, Saturday night very late, she calls me telling me how mad she is at me for things not working out and telling me she loves me I think she was drinking also. Through this past week, she emailed me saying she was sorry for calling me and said she wouldn't do it again. I said it was OK, but wanted to know if she meant what she was saying. She said she did, and wanted to know if I wanted to meet up next Friday night for a movie, and Saturday spend time with her and our son again at the park and maybe cook out. I said yes, of course.
But I just don't know how to think about all this or what to make of her, or why all of a sudden she wants to get together again.

[vanheart]

Probably limiting contact has got her wondering what you are up to.
(not focusing on her)

Hence the drunk call.

I would play this the same. You & your son come first.
Don't rely her to make your decisions.

[darkdays]

Probably limiting contact has got her wondering what you are up to.
(not focusing on her)

Hence the drunk call.

I would play this the same. You & your son come first.
Dont rely her to make your decisions.

Yeah, but what about getting together with her next week? I said I would. Shouldn't I?

[vanheart]

What does your gut say?

This kind of said it:

"But I just don't know how to think about all this or what to make of her, or why all of a sudden she wants to get together again.

Go back & read Tals post about relying too much on women in order to make you happy.

Maybe keep the son day & nix the movie date.

Sounds a bit fishy. She been fine w/o you & visa-versa for the past few weeks.

[darkdays]

But what bad could come from seeing a movie with her?
What do you think her motives are, if any?

[vanheart]

That's the question I guess, her motives and yours. People don't change in a matter of weeks.

I love movies. So much that I even go alone sometimes.