Maintain silence, its obvious you didn't want the stuff around,she will know this. Don't break NCQuote:
Originally Posted by james5212
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Maintain silence, its obvious you didn't want the stuff around,she will know this. Don't break NCQuote:
Originally Posted by james5212
Hello,
I've recently broken up with my boyfriend... he was lying to me about talking to other girls, and just lying about everything really. Come to find out after fighting for two days about something that I thought was bothering him, and him insisting there was nothing, he finally spilled it that the girlfriend he had before me is late and might be pregnant. WOW.. what a shock. I promptly told him we were done and that I'd go by in a couple days to pick up my stuff. When I went to his house, mainly to see his son one last time and say bye, the ex was just acting weird, even reached out once and touched me lovingly on the face! I completely ignored that. And when I was leaving, he gave me a long, heartfelt goodbye hug, looked me dead in the eyes, said he was sorry, and kissed me on the cheek. It took everything in my power to drive away after that. I was shaking.
Since the break up, I get so antsy not talking to him that I end up texting him by some power that I can't control. So I text him but that always turns into a fight because I am still mad at what he did to me. After a spat yesterday morn, we have not spoken at all. I have been trying my damndest to be silent.. but it is so hard! How do you stop talking to someone you have talked to everyday for months non-stop? I feel so lonely!
Another problem I am having is I snoop... not proud of it, but I know his passwords to hotmail, myspace, and Facebook, and cannot stop the compulsion to snoop. I am just severely hurt by the whole ordeal. What do I do?
Here's what you do:
1. STOP ALL CONTACT
2. NO Hotmail, myspace, and Facebook sneaking.
You are violating him the way he did you. Do you want to be the same?
3. The pain you are feeling is a result of wanting his love and attention but knowing its wrong since he is no good for you and cheated on you.
4. The pain can sometimes get worse the first 60-90 days... then it will get a little better each month. Each month after that it will get just a little better -- but still feel scary. But you will be a step CLOSER TO HEALED EACH MONTH.
5. NO CHEATING (no contact) or the clock will RESTART. You need to begin your healing NOW... get to your magic number of 90 and DO NOT GIVE IN.
6.The tougher it gets... The more it hurts it is just a reminder you need to focus. PAIN=REMINDER.
7. NO Hotmail, myspace, and Facebook sneaking. (I had to repeat that)
8. NO Hotmail, myspace, and Facebook sneaking. (I had to repeat that AGAIN)
9. START NOW and get your day counter going.
10. Check in here when you feel weak and people will get you through this!
*11. It could be worse... you could be pregnant and trapped!!
That is true.. Thank you so much for your advise. And no I don't want to be the same. I want to heal just like everyone says I should. I don't think I have ever healed from previous relationships (and one marriage and divorce!). Im taking up the piano and possibly will go to a counselor. I just need to learn how to stay busy to not think about him ALL THE TIME. It's a constant pain every time I think about him. I hope this gets better soon!Quote:
Originally Posted by Ash123
One other option: Say what you have to say to him.
Whether it's anger or hurt and then tell him it is 100% over and TIME WILL HEAL. GUARANTEED!!
START THE HEALING. Get a calendar and you'll see that every 90 days you are a little better... until... you are OK and solid.
If you do not cheat and look in on him and work on yourself and not worry about a relationship defining you but rather being something to share together.
YOU WILL MAKE IT... talking to a counselor is a great idea while you heal.
I'll give this step a go in my quite impossible situation. :)
My situation is at this link:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...me-370092.html
Your advice and guides is much appreciated mate. :)
Glad to help!
One day at a time...
Ash
The silent thing actually works.
I spoke to one girl recently who is still stewing about her Ex. She was the breaker and he was the breakee, but he NEVER broke NC and she always wondered but was too fearful after many months to call and say hi.
Is the breakee losing something by being stubborn? Does the fact that a hot (really hot) girl is still wondering about him make any difference?
Well, there's no need to keep score or be spiteful, and maybe it does make a difference since she's too scared to act. But if history is any indication, if she is not strong enough to communicate, the relationship is not strong enough to change whatever made her run in the first place.
I believe in second and sometimes third chances, but there has to be big changes for the time off to matter, so I let it be. I think they are both stuck until another person gives them some new perspective.
Love is a crazy thing.
Lust is a schyzophrenic thing.
Time is the one thing you can't control and don't want to waste.
Happy hunting.
Ash
Thanks for this Ash.
I really needed it - My long term girlfriend who works at the same place as me left me for another guy at the same work place. I have to deal with it /them on a daily basis.
She set up the relationship with him while with me and left me when she was ready. It all came out afterwards -devistated or what. She did not care about my feelings at all and could not understand why I did not what to emain friends.
This was seven months ago and it still hurts. I've maintained NC but sometimes I get close to saying something ( have been a bit blunt with him at times) but have said nothing.
This guid has helped me maintain my stance. She e-mailed me happy birthday in May and I crack and reply with " think about my feelings before sending me a message". It's true I instantly felt I lost a bit of control after.
As hard as it is I will stick by this guide -thanks.
For some reason though I keep blaming myself I do wish I could control that.
Ash... What comes after NC? Really curious.
Silence with her. Yes. Maintain. But if any boundaries violated in work-place do speak up.
SPARKY: (to him) i.e. "dude, i value my job and being professional. But imagine if I'd done that you...how would you feel? Think about it.
keep that in mind. And it will make all our lives easier...
FEEL FREE TO ADD: "In a way you did me a favor. If I was dating a girl like that and didn't know it sooner, I would have been wasting a lot of valuable time."
CARLSON: See #6.
All right Ash. :)
NC since 29th June
JUNE 29th?
That's like freakin yesterday!
If you break NC that is just... silly.
Go rent some funny movies and hang out with friends.
Her life is not suddenly amazing... she is just doing what people do... try out their freedom. It feels good. Unfortunately for you, it feels crappy. But it's the universe's plan to let you find what you deserve.
Errr ash now is July man. Haha! :D its been about a month I go NC. :)
You have a long way to go my man... get busy.
A month?! That is NOTHING.
I didn't speak to a girl for a year... another 5 years.
All came back :-) and I was always dating someone else. It sucks... but a man always says what's on his mind and in his heart and moves on.
Women respect that... be alpha not alphalpha (little rascals).
NC is not a game. It's life.
Even if is a short relationship like close to 5 months? Lol.
I dun think I need to say my story here.
I can't lie to myself but deep down I like my ex a lot. Although I'm with another girl now. :)
Even if is a short relationship like close to 5 months? Lol.
I dun think I need to say my story here.
I can't lie to myself but deep down I like my ex a lot. Although I'm with another girl now. :)
Thanks for your help Ash.
NC is working for me - I think because of the work and I hear about things. It's just going top take that bit longer to heal. This site does help.
Although I didn't do anything major wrong is the self blame natural? I keep feeling why did I do this or that or reasure her and this would not of happened.
In the last month of our relationship after she had started contacting with the new guy - her behaviour was terrible towards me. She has 2 children from a previous relationship who I was very close with - I didn't like it for them to see her like that so I tip toed around it thinking it was a phase or something. Thing is she would text and e-mail during this time saying how much she loved me. It got very confusing.
OK I have a question I met this girl one and half year ago and we liked each others a lot stayed together for 6 months and than all of sudden she goes I'm not ready for commitment. I said OK that's fine but next day she comes back and said sorry and we were back together again but after 2 months she just broke up with me.and said she can't talk to me anymore. I stayed cool and let her go but after 3 months she comes back again and started to talk to me the same way like before so one day I got really upset and told her to leave me alone so she left and now she's back again and indicating that she still cares about me one day she acts like my girlfriend next day she acts like a stranger I'm so confused what to do I talked to her a week ago after that I just backed off she hasn't contacted me neither I contacted her but she comes online and have this romantic away message which bothers me because if she doesn't want to be with me why doesn't she just leave me alone. What do you think I should do now I do love her a lot and I don't want to end this looking like some kind of game
These girls sound unstable and unreliable (sparky and carlos and carloson)
MOVE ON... time will heal you if you just log your time...
These girls sound unstable and unreliable
MOVE ON (sparky and carlos and carloson)... time will heal you if you just log your time...
Wow. This really hit a nerve in me.Quote:
Originally Posted by Ash123
My ex of 6.5 years (off/on) have been broken up for about a month now but we only moved out of our apartment about a week ago so it was NC for a week until he contacted me via Facebook message 2 days ago. I kept the conversation very short (less than 5 minutes) and said I had to go. Not sure if he wanted to talk because he missed me or because he wanted to make sure that the landlord was going to send me the money he owes me. I guess if NC starts over, then it's only day 2:(
ANYWAY, I'm going NC. Two of the times we broke up for an extended period I did not use this method (it was hard because we were still in high school and had the same friends, same clubs, were in theatre together, etc). The last time I may have used NC unknowingly because he started dating someone else almost immediately and I was so angry/hurt that I didn't talk to him for a while but in the year that we weren't together we still had some form of contact.
This time the NC is for real. Sometimes I wonder why I'm doing it. I know that whether he comes back this time I will still come out a better person for doing it. My urges to contact him aren't as strong as I thought they would be but he's still the first person I want to call when I'm either extremely happy/extremely sad.
I get scared sometimes because I know he will be taken completely off guard by me not trying to get in touch with him in some way. It scares me because I sometimes feel like he will be too scared that I am angry with him to try and contact me and that just keeps us apart. When our relationship ended this time I knew that he still has a lot of growing to do and I think that only when/if he contacts me is when I'll know he has grown.
Ash, I love your post. I think it will really help me. Here is the link to my thread if you can give me any kind of personal insight:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...me-377035.html
JAMMA,
I did not read your other post, but based on this post:
You are not using NC right... it's not just to get the other person to contact you. It's for yourself. NC can get a person to contact you, but if they just come back after they hook up with someone else or are bored or suddenly lonely - that is not good. Did he break up? If so, I'd let it go... you all have been doing this break up/make up thing for too many years... and he may be wasting your time...
Hang in there
A
So how long do I do NC? Forever is the answer I think.
We've been in a relationship on/off for 12 years. In between that we had a two year break then got back together.
Now it is all a mess. Again.
I was trying this NC thing. The first two days were easy because I was mad.
Now I'm finding excuses to get in touch. I already text once (some family issue, I knew would be upsetting to my ex, hope u OK etc... no "i love u etc") and sent an email. The email was about two lines because I had to organize some stuff to be finalised. Am I being to hard on myself expecting to be able to NC straightaway..?
I feel so weak no cutting off straightaway...
Say what you have to say and then GET AWAY to NC.
But make sure you consider that you need another person.
You all have done this too many times, so it takes extra effort.
In case you were wondering about the usefulness of the guide, I just had another field test result: 2+ years and an another EX broke NC! It takes a while and I'd hoped you'd moved on but if you follow the steps it all works out in the end. If you need "closure" when they offer it - do it if you can handle it. The brain needs calm ends sometimes.
Hey Ash I really like your guide. I found out right before the break up that the girl I love got added through Facebook by her Ex. It really hurt and during the break up talk, I asked her if it was someone else or if she was going back to her Ex. She said clearly no it was not and that he added her and they are both past their relationship. They went out for a year, I went out with her for three years. It really hurts to find out that she accepted his request because that means they have established contact. Anyway she tells me that we need to break up yet she needs more time and if we were to get back together it would have to be a fresh start. Am I just being held onto as rebound? Should I even take her back if she were to come back? Because I am really hurt that she and her Ex made contact "coincidentally" during our break up.
EX's are ex's. RELAX. They have their own baggage.
Don't add more :-) I wouldn't sweat it. Give it all time.
Go slow... Women like to chase and then be pursued :-)
Go figure.
Thanks Ash I suppose I knew the answer already I just wanted confirmation. I brought her flowers and apologized fresh after the break up, she took them but told me more time is needed and that if we got back together we have to start all over again. Then I called her later that night because I couldn't sleep or eat and she said she would talk to me as a friend nothing more and I poured my heart out for a whole hr on the phone until 4am and she said its getting late and she had to pee since the conversation began and sleep for work (kinda funny lol). I wish I read your guide before I did all that because that's what I did last before the NC period. Do I still have a chance? Or did I push her further away? Sorry if I made this too long.
Why did you beak up?
We have been arguing a lot lately and she told me that every time we argued, she would loose feelings for me. But sometimes I had to bring the topic up that she always spends time with her friends (all guys) and that there is never any room in between for me. How can we get better if she never gives us any time together besides a cpl hrs after work once a week or something like that. The last time we saw each other she made plans with her friends but it fell through and I felt like I was just someone to fall back on. I told her that and she never says anything comforting so I just left. After that she tells me we need to break up and we need more time. I panic and tried to talk to her. She told me to stop... like STOP every time I try to say a word. Like I said she took the flowers and I saw her try to hide her smile but man... girls are confusing. I know we need the break but things do not look good anymore. I wonder all the time if she still thinks of me. Do you believe in the saying "once a cheater, always a cheater?"
I think you should post your own thread so you can get more replies.:-)
I did but for some reason it got deleted...
Post it again-you will get a lot more replies.:-)
I wish I had seen these seps two weeks ago, I said I loved him he said he needed space - yet continued to text me, I was hurt, confused and really didn't understand, worse of all I was emotional, I regret it now because I have pushed him away, but where as before he wanted a break he now thinks we should be friends but doesn't think we will end up back in a relationship again.. . He admitted a week ago that I was amazing and that he did care but was scared. But now I have tried to understand I have pushed him away :( will these steps help to get him back? I guess I need to embrace our friendship - but it hurts so much because I really love him.
Hi Brambley sorry about your breakup-if you post your own thread you'll get more answers and advice.:-)
Thank you I just did this :)
Great advice. If I could add one bit of advice which has helped me loads:
Whether you are "on a break" or have just been dumped. Channel the hurt and pain into improving yourself. Go to the gym when you feel upset, find a new job, make an effort to make new friends and just generally keep yourself busy. Whatever your agenda is, improving yourself will aide in achieving this, whether improving yourself will bring your ex back or help you find someone new, or as in my case you are not sure then either. It will also keep you busy and keep your mind off things.
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