My ex and I have been off and on for 6.5 years. This time we lasted 2.5 before breaking up for the 3rd or 4th time. He broke it off because things had gotten "too stressful." We'd been having a rough year with finances, he doesn't have a car and wants to get back in school, and I'm in my last year of college. He said that he felt like I had gotten increasingly negative and felt like I was mad at him all the time. I had no idea that he felt this way and I know I've been a little out of control and I've started seeing a therapist. But at the same time I'm wondering why he didn't say anything to me about it until it was too late?

The breakup came pretty suddenly because it happened after we received notice to vacate the apartment we had been living in for the last year (landlord wants to move into the apartment). We were given 30 days to move and broke up on the 2nd day. I thought for sure that he would move his things out as soon as possible but we both weren't completely moved out of the apartment until the very last day! Also, during that time we were able to have good conversations with each other when we weren't going in circles about the relationship and even went to lunch once.

Our last conversation about the relationship was almost a week ago. I may have made a mistake by bringing it up again but I just feel like I NEED to understand. I told him that I wasn't trying to beat it to death and he said that he didn't think I was but he thought I was ignoring the fact that he thought it was best if we were apart and he thinks he made the right decision. He asked me if I thought we needed time apart and I said how I can see it being a good thing because we both have things we need to work on, but is it time apart to get over it and move on or time apart to think about what happened and work on it and get back together? I asked him if it's really over for good this time and I keep getting the same answers I've always gotten "I can't predict the future. Don't worry about if we do or don't get back together. Whatever happens, happens." But then I hear from one of his friends that he said he didn't think we'd get back together. Even then I wouldn't know what to believe because I've heard it all before.

The last time we broke up he started dating someone else within 2 weeks and they were together for 6 months. We tried to remain friends but it hurt like hell and I can't bare to think of having to see that happen again. After they broke up we went back and forth for a few months before I got sick of it and told him I was through. I started seeing someone but it didn't last long and ended badly and I called him up and told him that all I wanted was for him to apologize. Turns out he'd been thinking about me and we were together again within a month after a year of not being together. He later told me that he dated the other girl because he wanted to try something different. This proves that ANYTHING can happen.

I feel like I have to talk about the ex because it caused a lot of stress in our relationship. It wasn't that I thought he was going to cheat on me or anything, but I felt like she was trying to make herself an issue. At the beginning it was obvious that she didn't want us to be together and even got drunk at a party and tried to make out with him. He told her no and she tried the whole "I feel so guilty. If you don't tell her I will." He told me but I wasn't upset because he told her no. She eventually told him that she just wanted to be friends and hardly remembered they even dated but she would always ask him to do weird things like fix her car, vacuum cleaner, lend her money, go out for coffee on nights that I "just happened" to have class. I brought the situation to his attention every now and then but the last time we talked about it I really SPELLED IT OUT for him and told him that I wanted him to talk to her about it. He didn't understand because he says they're just friends, but he said he would. I never heard about it so I assumed that he didn't and I was upset because I thought my feelings weren't important. The night that we're breaking up she comes up in conversation and I find out that he did talk to her. But why didn't he tell me about it? The whole thing would have been cool if he'd just told me! Then we talk about it a few weeks after the breakup and he tells me that sometimes he does think that she still has feelings for him but he doesn't want to acknowledge it because she's a good friend but doesn't want to date her again.? Why isn't he telling me these things? The whole time he told me I had nothing to worry about and I wound up feeling like I was crazy and making everything up. If I could have done it differently, I would have talked to her myself because my issue was with her and not with him. I know I'm going to run into her in the near future and I plan on telling her (in an adult manner) that I have been feeling resentful towards her and that whether she was trying to manipulate the situation, I made a mistake by not bringing it up sooner.

I know our main problem is a lack of communication about our feelings (mostly on his part) and I really want to fix it but he seems so confused and I don't want to interfere and make it worse. I think I'm just going to give him some time and space but I don't know what to think anymore, I haven't seen/spoken to him in almost a week, and I'm worried that it might be over for good this time. What do I do?

Sounds to me like you are doing all the talking and he is doing all the assuming. Often I have found that when guys assume it is because then they can come up with the conclusion of what THEY wanted to do in the first place, but knew they couldn't if they simply asked.
They also tend to read things into stuff to come to their conclusions.
So basically he is sort of passive aggressively manipulating by not talking through things with you and coming to an argument on things.

I would not talk to her because then it gets back to him and he takes her side and uses that as a further excuse to be broke up.

Oh and I think he is using that *confused* routine as an evasive tactic.

He already knows that I plan on talking to her. His only response was that he wondered how she would react.

When I talk to her, I don't plan on doing it for him or the relationship. It's kind of work related because I KNOW I'm going to have to work with her on certain group projects and I won't feel OK if I'm carrying around this resentment. I'm doing it for me.

He and I are always very honest with each other. That's why I'm confused as to why he can't tell ME that "IT'S OVER FOR GOOD." I don't know why he'd be worried about hurting my feelings because I'm already hurt.

I'm not trying to disagree with everything you say, lol. This is just what I think.

It just may be that he doesn't want to hurt your feelings and he does sound like he is evasive. So most likely he is only looking at IF I tell her it is over then I have to put up with drama, dealing with her going on and on about that, he doesn't want conflict etc...
OR
Sometimes guys or girls will leave you dangling so their options are open if something better doesn't work out.

It sounds to me like he's not saying that "It's over for good" because he's trying to let you down easy. You mentioned that he did say that he thought he made the right decision in breaking up. I would guess it's time to start moving on, especially if things were running so much more smoothly between you two after the breakup. That just shows how much work the relationship was to maintain. I'm not saying that to be mean in any way, but relationships can be a lot of work, but if they're too much work, it's not worth it.

Communication is huge in a relationship and it sounds like he needs a lot of work in that area. It's hard to carry on a relationship when you have no idea what the other person is thinking/feeling. And I do agree if he would have talked to you more openly about everything that was going on that you wouldn't have had to worry about everything. It's when people start to hide things that we wonder why.

Thanks for the reply Zoe. It's hard to hear, though.

What I meant when I said we were cool after the breakup is that we were carrying on as if nothing had happened. It's not like we were fighting ALL of the time. And our arguments are hardly considered arguments because they happen in a conversational manner.

I know it sounds like I'm justifying. Maybe I'm in denial. It just hurts so much to lose my best friend and I don't know what to believe anymore because we keep getting back together...

It sounds like basically he just lost interest as in looking for sparks in the relationship and didn't feel they were there so drifted away.

I know, it's hard to go through. I certainly didn't mean to hurt your feelings with that. It's hard when you're with someone so long. I've lost a best friend too. We were together for over 4 years, engaged for over 3. I could see that nothing was changing, our relationship wasn't going anywhere so I ended it. We ended on good terms. We were still OK to talk to each other and everything.

I don't regret it, it was the best learning experience. I started hanging out with friends more, joined a gym, took up different hobbies. Along the way I met my husband and now he is my best friend.

I guess I'm just telling you all this because I always like to be prepared for the worst and to wait around for someone because you're not sure if you'll get back together is really hard because you don't know how long to wait or if you ever will and that's all time that you could spend healing.

I don't plan on waiting. If an opportunity presents itself I plan on taking it. I already plan on taking a vacation in the next few weeks and when I come back I'm going to change jobs because where I work has been a big source of my unhappiness for a long time. My last year of school is about to start up again and I can't be bogged down by all of this because I want to do well and I can't wait to graduate.

I think I should touch more on what has been going on with me and my feelings. I have thought for a while now that I might have depression or some other type of mood disorder. I'm usually a pretty optimistic person but outside stresses usually bring me WAY DOWN. Lately I have been dealing with a dead-end job and I'm graduating a year late. For the past few months I know I have been really bitter and lost my motivation. It really worried him because his mother suffered from serious depression when he was a kid and he often suggested that I consider seeking help. I thought about it but I never thought it was serious enough to see someone because I wasn't suicidal. The week before the breakup I started taking mood elevators and felt good about taking a step to a better me, but someone told me that the pills I was taking affected birth control so I stopped taking them. Two days before the breakup I found a therapist I wanted to contact. Then we broke up just days before my first appointment. I told him I was already making the moves to see someone and he was glad about it, but I know that it looks like I'm doing it just to save the relationship. I feel awful that he felt like I was mad at him all of the time and taking things out on him. I didn't realize it but I know he's right, and I know he has forgiven me but I feel like he hasn't REALLY forgiven me if he won't give it another chance.

It's just so confusing the way all of this happened and I can't seem to wrap my mind around it. Just back in March he was saying how he could see us lasting forever and he's not the type of guy to say the word "forever." The morning before we broke up I told him that I was thinking of getting a job on the coast after graduation and asked if he'd come with me and he said that he could probably find a good job there too so "sure." I just feel like everything that happened to our relationship didn't happen "between" us it happened "to" us.

I don't want to give excuses for him because he made a huge mistake by not telling me how he felt about important things and I know that he sees that now and is going to work on it. But I don't understand why he sees me as an extra source of stress when I just want to help.

Good for you.
Sometimes all you can do is recreate your life to compensate your losses. Sometimes it can be hard especially when you weren't the one that wanted it this way.
I hope whatever you do it all works out as blessings to you.

He runs away when things get stressful, and you should know that's his way of avoiding making decisions, so he takes the easy way out.

Make a good decision for yourself, and him, and disappear from his life, as you have wasted enough of your life on him. You can't fix the fool!

Threads merged and edited.



I'm on day 6 of NC and I don't plan on contacting him. When I get in touch with the landlord about the security deposit I plan on just mailing him his half. There is a big chance that I could be running into him in the near future because we have several mutual friends having events. What do I do? What do I say?

I keep hoping he'll change his mind and realize he's being a big idiot and I want to be the strong one and maintain NC but I'm afraid I'll crumble.

Sorry to hear your story Jamma.
Stay strong! He sounds like he treating you harshly, so don't succumb to his petty power games.
I would maintain NC and try and pamper yourself using your newfound free time (finances willing)
It doesn't sound too hopeful to me, but who knows what time will bring?
If you chase him he will run for sure, but if you are happily living man free ,your confidence and mystery will shine through and he will see that and be intrigued.
Good luck

PS Just reading threads on this website seems to be such a NonContact helper and boosts yourself confidence.

I would stay clear of those mutual "events" if I were you. Focus on your last year of studies and bettering yourself. Ordinarily a relationship that is constantly "on again, off again" for that amount of time eventually ends for good. There is only so may times you can try before you realize that this stupid pattern has to end. Sometimes love isn't enough if one person isn't willing to deal with certain issues.

If you ever see him just say hi but don't go out of your way to say "hi" just do it in passing. You don't have to be mad nor converse with him.

In the past there have been times where me and an ex had the same friends so we couldn't avoid seeing each other. I believe in the end it made me stronger and at times it did test my willpower but I survive. When I would see my ex at a friend party I kept things friendly and tried my hardest to not let him get to me. After a while it didn't bother me when I saw my ex because I had soared in my healing process.

The motions your going through regarding NC are normal and your going feel this way for a while so don't beat yourself up over it. Mailing him half of the security is a good idea. No matter what you do or how your feeling--stay strong. Don't crumble! Come here to vent whenever you need to. I am rooting for you.

I just talked to the landlord today. I cleaned the bathroom, the kitchen, swept, mopped and vacuumed and the only thing I asked the ex to do was shampoo the carpets because we had a cat (left him a note). The landlord said that the carpets didn't get shampooed and had to be taken out.

I'm not mailing him anything. I dare him to call me about it.
It really hurts that he'd do something like this.

Avoid any situations that you know that you'll run into him, unless it's absolutely necessary.

He didn't shampoo the carpets. He's a dirty jerk.

Be thankful you're not in a relationship that off/on again, and with someone that doesn't shampoo the carpets or keep his word! Bah!

Avoid him at all costs, he is a cancer to your life, avoid the mutual events as well.

Hang in there Jamma, its tough now but I guarantee it will be worth it and it will get better.

Threads merged, yet again!!!!

It's been a week of NC and he just IMed me on Facebook chat. I said "Hi" but I don't know if I should even be talking to him?