As Geoff has said this is an excellent place to vent and get the support you need. Hang in there we all know how long and hard your path is.
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As Geoff has said this is an excellent place to vent and get the support you need. Hang in there we all know how long and hard your path is.
Hi Cat,
I my situation also similar to imissher,My girlfriend and I have been together for 2-3 yrs. My age 22 and she is 24yrs old. Everything perfect until the last couple of months. During the "perfect" period, we had healthy relationship
During a long vication my girl friend back to home for a week , while she back she wants to leave me, the reason she said she has been fed up with me and she wants to have rest, from that time we started living apart, but we were in keep in touch one day she said she wants to break up ,and she said she may be will back or not,I am dying I want her to be back we live in a same building, some time she called me and ask me about how is my life gong so far, she asked me if I can be her friend and she may be back have only 80% chance for her to back please advise how can I get her back?
Thanking u
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wildcat21
She's gone. You only get one life, your what 19 years old? Iam 21 just turned yesterday, common were young - enjoy life :P Its one person, hundreds more to come yet. I ve had relatives who have died, it hurts still even years after, but I moved on and I think of all the good times. There is no time for regrets in this life, it goes to quick.
Join the gym - it is the best feeling in the world after a run or workout. I never stopped my hobbies during my time with my GF and ill tell you what, sports etc get me through the day so much easier!!
WOW with all these answers iwill just add this.. If something is meant to be it will happen... I wish you well and hope you move on and find happiness in the future.
Hey,
Its been a while since I posted my miserable situation, and now I find myself here again asking for an opinion.Oh, by the way... SPECIAL, SPECIAL thanks goes to foreverzero, I swear I would've died without your help. Anyway, here's last months post of my sad situation.
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...how-63990.html
So, after getting dumped over a month ago I decided to go no contact. I decided to go no contact since begging, pleading and crying obviously didn't work anymore. The first day, I felt like someone just shot me and time froze for hours at a time. Didn't feel like eating, thinking, let alone just standing up. Ill be honest, and say that time really made it better.
So two weeks passed, and I decided to contact her. We talked, although she seemed really pissed off at the time. Ignored me for the most part when we went out. I attempted to show her I changed, but I reverted back to "clingy boy" and stupidly asked for her back. She rejected me again, and I was back to stage 1. Feeling extremely pissed off, I packed all her stuff, went to her house the next day, and told her never to call, text, email, or even think about me. I told her that she was dead to me, as I left pissed off.
I thought it was over, but less than half an hour later, I get several missed calls and text msg's asking me to call her. We talked for the next couple of days, she apologized but stayed firm on her decision. She then changed from "we don't have a chance" to "we have a chance". I told her that I couldn't wait for her forever.
So lately, she's been really nice to me. She's been calling every couple of days. She tells me all the time that she misses me, and wants to be with me. But she also tells me, that she just wants to be friends first and that she wants to take it "slow". She says that the only reason she can't get back together right now, is because she doesn't feel like she has feelings for me and that she's not sure if she likes me. It's hard because she always says "if we get back together we'd do this, we'd do that, blah blah". We also have so much fun when we go out. She admitted that her life has been miserable without me, and that she's jealous that I'm out there enjoying my life and seeing other girls. She also said that she probably won't find anyone better, and that she misses everything we did.
For a while I thought she was just using me as a security blanket or plan B, but I ruled that out. That's because she keeps encouring me to go see other girls, and since the break up, she rarely even goes out. She' stayed at home, and didn't even talk to friends. Guys have been hitting on her but she turned them all down. She's been avoiding guys from coming close to her since our break up.
I try not to show her that she has control over my heart. I act neutral for the most part. I still make her laugh, flirt with her, and all that. I never bring up and relationship, and for the most part, I try to make myself unavailable, by not picking up every call, and not replying to every text. This helped because, she feels less pressure, and is comfortable to talk to me.
Last night, she almost got back with me. Surprisingly enough, I told her to take her time. She agreed and said that we should take it slow, be friends first before we rush into getting back together. She says that she's just too confused right now. The only thing preventing us from getting back together is the fact that she doesn't know if she still has feelings for me.
So now what? My friends are telling me to keep doing what I'm doing, and she'll eventually come around. Should I play hard to get, since she's interested? I won't take her back unless she's changed, and unless she WANTS to make it work.
If I act like I don't care, play hard to get, show her I changed, be confident and all that... will she come around? If this does work, does anyone have any advice on "winning" her heart back? What should I do at this point, to maximize my chances of getting her back :(.
Thanks for reading. Peace out guys.
Concentrate on your own life right now, without her. If you want her back then you need to move on and be happy in yourself.
1) Get a new life direction
2) Start new hobbies
3) meet new people
4) Do play hard to get
5) Be a challenge
6) You be the prize
7) Date other women
8) Be fun :P
9) YOU do not need anyone else to be happy - its merely desire!!
10) Don't be so available ever!
Your flogging a dead horse.
She wants to keep you close so if her other options fail she always has you there.
I wouldn't be bothering with her back and forth antics. Its child's play and in my opinion you are only setting yourself up for more hurt.
Believe it or not, I followed that list and that's how I almost got her back :).
Could you elaborate on how I can "be the prize" or how to "play hard to get", or how to be a challenge. What should I do when we talk/see each other.
Anyone?
As of now, she admitted that she doesn't have any other options, and neither does she have interest in other options. She doesn't want to keep me close either. She wants me to go out with other girls, etc.Quote:
Originally Posted by Skell
She said she needs time to figure stuff out, and admits that she does want to be with me. Obviously, if this goes on for too long, then I won't take it. But I feel like she deserves some time to think about what she really wants.
Give her time then :P and the mean time you become ONE HAPPY GUY :) love life and be that cool person everyone loves
She wants to be with you but she wants space and needs time to figure things out. She wants to be with you but she wants you to go out with other girls.
Is anyone else confused. I am. It appears she is and I think you are to imissher.
If she doesn't want to keep you close then why si she calling you all the time after she dumped you? I think your desperation to have her back is blinding you.
She doesn't want to be pressured to come back with me. And she doesn't want to rush into the relationship just yet. Hopefully, I'm not blinded. The way I see it, she just needs time to think about it cause I never gave her the space she deserved when we were together.Quote:
Originally Posted by Skell
Thnks for the replies :)
Well its time to give her space then. There are many years left of life yet to meet up again - unless we get run over by a bus :) hehe
You have a life don't you ! So you concentrate on that, not your past.
I might be wrong but I think she is more clever than you think. She knows you are still interested deep down and she knows what game you are playing... Its not rocket science.
In fact, you are playing her game more than likely and she wants you as plan B and I think you could be setting yourself up for more pain here.
I think she already senses she has you but she is not letting you know that she knows that and when things go quiet, i.e. you ignore her, she lights the fire again by calling and texting constantly to attract your attention, to relight the flame (so to speak). By responding to what she asked for, i.e.telling her "we should take our time, be friends" you are acknowledging what she originally asked for which is good in a way, but it also lets her know that you are playing along with this so that you can get her back which is not what she wants. She wants to be just friends and keep you close probably as a security blanket. Everything seems to be on her terms and although it might not seem like it, she has control over this situation more than you think.
That said, I am no psychologist and I am no fortune teller either, it is just my honest opinion.
I might be wrong and I hope that things work out good for you. Just make sure you do things for the right reasons.
I was thinking about this scenario.. I think now, if it happened to me, I don't think I could take my ex back. I mean I would feel too angry and full of resent. I think there would be a lack of trust, and it wouldn't work out anyway. I suppose people are different. Sometimes though, it seems to be unhealthy to go back into the past.
<<Everything seems to be on her terms and although it might not seem like it, she has control over this situation more than you think.
>>
Totally agree with GEOFF BUT Couldn't SPREAD THE REP!
U need to get into uncertainty yourself.
In fact tell her you are not sure anymore that she is the girl for you and you are going to keep your options open
She is now in control of the situation, and you are obeying everything she says. That is NOT what a woman wants!!
Get your power back and tell her NO.
Geoff is spot on the money in his post. Dead right. Sorry Geoff but I had to spread it.
She is playing games and controlling him. She knows what she is doing. It isn't about pressure or anything else she says. It is all about control and at the moment she has it all over you.
Sorry to be blunt but it is just screaming out in your posts.
Did I blink and miss something here. When did you do no contact and still talking to her, from where I sit she is no closer to you than when you broke up. Your friends are feeding you a lot of crap and sorry, so is your ex. Break this stuff up and do some real NO CONTACT and be unavailable for real and let your emotions die down so you can see clearly what's really going on. As others are trying to tell you she is still telling you what to do AND making you think your in control. Nothing could be farther from the truth.
Fact-You pack her stuff up and tell her leave you alone
Fact- Didn't work cause you relented and gave her back her control.
Leave her alone and do the no contact the right way and stop talking to her and watch and see her for what she is. Get healthy and stop BS'ing yourself. Reread this post and don't you sound crazy?
I see progress in the time that passes. Doing no contact is the course of action that I will take if this low contact approach doesn't work. Yes, there's some GREAT points there about me losing control and I'm going to try to change that.
Ive been trying to slowly shift control to my side by being unavailable, not being needy, not returning all her calls, not replying to every text, and when we do go out, its under my terms.
How else could I possibly gain control? More importantly, how do I win her over during this no contact phase.
Tal, I understand that no-contact is the way to go. But that's my last resort if I get fed up with doing this low-contact BS. It seems like she's coming along, so taking my chances with low contact is worth it.
What do I do now so that she forgets the obsessive/needy person, and realize a different more confident person. How do I make myself the "prize" and how do I make this a challenge for her? How will I get her to have feelings for me again?
Ideas?
Keep us updated and Good Luck!
Sounds to me like you're on the road to recovery and things are golden. I'd say stay the course. It's very easy to confuse numb feelings for no feelings. After a person does severe emotional damage to us, we have the tendency to try and ignore our feelings towards them and focus on what made us do that. More likely than not, she still has feelings for you, but doesn't know what kind, and it's your job to show her. She needs to see the part of you that she fell in love with in the first place, and, to top it all off, she's letting you do that. Sounds like she'll be coming around in a month or so.
I would also contend that, while in reality, you're not in the seat of power, she doesn't know that. Its very easy to look at a situation and say that you've got no power because of X Y and Z that you let her do to your emotions, but in reality, they usually don't know what they're doing, and what you feel and what you think only matters to you. It's what you say and do that matters to other people, and if what you say and what you do leads them to believe the opposite, then you're playing your game correctly. I'd say don't jump the gun, and just pick up her calls when she calls, try to limit your initiation of contact, and let her do the work. The fact that she's calling you is a good sign, and so is the fact that she's let you in to her life enough to make her happy.
The hard part for now will be not jumping the gun, but it sounds like you've got your stuff under control. So best of luck, you know where to find me.
you're doing everything right babe, keep it up and she'll be yours to keep, in no time =) goood luck
Hey,
Well, what else I can I say. After two months of anguish, pain and sorrow, my ex came back and decided that she wants to give us another chance. Everything I've worked hard for in the last two months has finally paid off.
Here's my original post: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...how-63990.html
Anyway, most of you are probably eager to know how I "won" her back. Here's my little success story, and guidance for those who need it:
1. We were together for about 3 yrs. We had our arguments but we worked through them. Over time, I turned into a wussy, clingy, needy boyfriend. She'd try to leave almost every two weeks, and each time I would beg, plead, cry, until finally she left me.
2. Yes it hurt like crazy. I swear to god when we broke up, I thought I died. Emotional pain started to turn into physical pain and it was the worst feeling in the world. I decided to go no contact. I ended up doing no contact for two weeks. During those two weeks, I tried to do everything (basketball, music, chill with friends.. etc.) but nothing worked.
3. After two weeks, I decided to talk to her. She seemed really angry and upset that I was there. REALLY ANGRY. So we talked, and talked some more. It was an emotional rollercoaster. Over time, we went out and ate lunches/dinners, watched movies, talked on the phone. I let her initiate all the contact. I noticed that when I called her, she was irritated and mad.
4. So in the next five weeks, I noticed progress. I started being more unavailable, being happy when she sees me, I let her know that I was OK with the break up. Thus, she felt really comfortable to talk to me. She changed her mind from "no chance" to "we have a chance". In the last week, she told her co-workers that we might get back together and admitted that she wants to make it work.
5. Although there was progress... it was extremely difficult. It seemed like she was using me just to talk and go out with. I would come home hurt every time cause she didn't get back together with me. It felt like I was a plan B, or a security blanket for her, and it seemed like she just wanted to be friends. I got fed up, and told her that I didn't want her anymore. I went to her house and told her never to call me again, never to talk to me again, don't text me, I want you out of my life, and I told her to respect my decision.
6. And it brings me here. After leaving her and letting go(which is so unbelievably difficult), she surprisingly ends up at my front door willing to give us another try.
So... what have I learned? And what should YOU do to better your chances?
Here's my tips:
1. Try to go no contact after the break up as much as you can. If you think they have some sort of feelings for you, contact at least after 2 weeks. If you can go longer, then do it! The more time apart, the better.
2. Do not call, beg, plead and cry. It will prove to her how right she was about you, and it will push her away. Every time you have urges to call, ask yourself if your emotional impulses are worth losing the girl/boy you want, basically think with your head. There's a reason for why your head is above your heart.
3. When you re-initiate contact, make sure you've changed. Let her see the "new" you and don't look depressed around her, be happy and be OK with the break up.
4. BE PATIENT. Don't ever apply pressure. Pressure will make them run. Let them initiate contact, and let them ask you out. Be unavailable, be busy, and let them know that you are OK without them.
5. Be confident and able to stand on your own two feet. You don't need a girl/boy to make you happy. Whenever you see her, show her you're perfectly fine, that you're OK, its far more attractive.
Well, those are my two cents. I hope it helps. My prayers are with you guys and I really hope you get your ex's back or at least help you to move on. Thanks to everyone on this board, you have no idea how much I appreciated your help.
God Bless. Hopefully I won't be back here asking for a third chance:).
Way to go!
Good for you! Stay around and let us know how things go.
Woo go you :) Hope it works out!! Don't forget to have your own life and COMMUNICATION! No clingyness. Wish mine would come back.
Haha, yeah it feels good to get her back. But it isn't as great as I thought it would feel. There's still something's we got to talk about, the issues we have to resolve. I just hope I don't come off too clingy or needy when we go over what we need to do to make this second chance work...
Wish me luck.
Quote:
Originally Posted by imissher
Make sure you get everything on the table and talk about everything. NO lies or you will be back on this site in the future doing it all over again?
Good luck to you.
It is nice to hear a success story. Good for you!
I am going through what you did, I am going to try your advice!Quote:
Originally Posted by imissher
Cheers mate!
What'd I tell you?
Hakuna Matata MOFO!!
Grats dude
Zero lol, I don't even how to say thank you!!
I have to admit though. Winning her back feels good, but not as great as I thought it'd be. I guess when you actually get what you want, your standing there and saying... "lol what now.."
Regardless, I really love this girl and I want to make it work.
Good luck guys.
I kind of agree with you there. 'What now?' I know if it ever worked again between me and my ex, well it would be different. She was not a good girlfriend - at all! Well anyway good luck to you, work out the problems with good communication and take it slow. Get to know each other better before you rush into anything!
Don't mean to put a dampener on things but I hope you understand that now comes and even bigger test than what you have been through these past few weeks. And that is making it work.
It failed last time for obvious reasons so why won't it fail again? Have you changed your ways? Has she changed? Will you fall back into your old habits once you get comfortable again? Will she get the urge to leave you again now she has you back??
All these things are unanswered questions but you have to use what you have learnt during your break up to make sure it works this time. And even then it is no guarantee.
And I don't like how you use the word "WIN". You really shouldn't have to win someone back. That's not how it should be in my opinion. It isn't a prize you pick up at the local fair. IT is a partner in life and someone you share intimate things with. Winning her isn't an option in my opinion. It is somehting you should EARN!! Earn her love and respect. Not win it with some conceived plan of action, or games. Not saying this is the case with you, but just something to think about.
Don't get me wrong. I am happy for you and really hope that it works out. Success stories here a rare and it is great when we see them. I just hope that some of what I have said helps you ensure that this remains a success story and not just another episode in a drawn out drama!
So good luck and please keep us up to date on how things are going!!
"Winning" someone back is just a phrase. If I felt like it, I would've used "getting" her back. I didn't mean for it to be a game or anything, its just a saying.
Tough times are ahead, I have learned and we both have changed.
From what I've heard, its better the second time around. :)
Fair enough. Good luck and I hope what you have heard is true!
It's so good to hear all this... Wish you luck and happiness always
Good for you and good luck.
This was my favorite part:
Quote:
Originally Posted by imissher
imissher, and everyone who has responded to his question, I got a little story to tell you...
My HS sweetheart and I were inseparable our senior year. We were best friends since 7th grade and we fell madly in love the summer before our senior year. She was a captain of the cheerleading squad, I was a captain of the football team. Our HS colors were red and blue and our mascot were the Tigers.
I'm just painting a picture of how movie-esque and perfect this relationship was. We were set up for something great. I went off to college and we stayed together for almost 4 years. I am a junior now in college and she ended it with me in February. I begged, I cried, I pleaded for her to stay. She would stay... for a week, and then the same lines would come up "I'm not happy with you" I don't want to be with you"...my heart was shattered. However everytime I would say " it, I'm moving on" she would call me or text me saying she doesn't want us to end for good. And I fell for it. We went on like that from February until now.
She ended it with me for good this week. I have been severely depressed and have had anxiety attacks with finals coming up and my failed relationship. I listened to every sad song you could think of and all of them related to my situation. I read Chicken Soup for the Soul. I opened my Bible, I found no answers. I'm not that close with my family on issues like this and couldn't turn to my roommates. You see, the person I usually turned to when I had a problem like this was...her!
I turned to the internet. I typed in "My long-term girl friend left me and I want to kill myself" and this link popped up. I registered and read every post on here. TODAY! Each post helped a little more and more. But the clincher was the one that said "you have no identity outside of her" and he was right.
I had become half of a couple instead of my own person! Like a load of my shoulders! I got chills down my spine and realized what I had become! I sold myself out. I was sacrificing myself for her. I know relationships take sacrifice, but no one...NO ONE should get down on their hands and knees and beg (I'm guilty of it).
Anyway, ironically my ex called me minutes after my revelation. I told her everything. About how I was depressed but I am liberated now. I told her I got over her in the instant I read these posts! This all happened about 2 hours ago. I swear to you do you know how fast the balance of power shifted in our relationship??? She JUST texted me..."I think I am sad without you" and when I talked to her on the phone I could here her voice crack, fighting back tears. She has been cold and heartless to me for the last two months. This is the first sign of her wanting me in two months. I'm going to play it by ear and play hard to get.
imissher, listen to these guys! In a matter of hours my relationship is looking up! And I don't feel like I'm half of a couple anymore! I feel independent. Wildcat, the other guy that I posted a response to, and all the rest... Thank you... you have opened my eyes. Thank You...
Quote:
Originally Posted by MPortTiger6262
:D That's my quote and I'm the other guy. Just thought I'd point that out. :DQuote:
Originally Posted by MPortTiger6262
MPort, start a thread and maybe we can help you out. It looks like you girlfriend has already dropped her attitude and we haven't even offered you any direct advice. To me that's a confirmation of just how good the advice is on this board.
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