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    imissher's Avatar
    imissher Posts: 49, Reputation: 6
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    #1

    Feb 18, 2007, 04:18 PM
    My long-term girlfriend wants to leave; and she did. I want her back. But how?
    Ill try keeping this short so its easy to understand:

    My girlfriend and I have been together for 2-3 yrs. We are both 19 yrs old. Everything was nothing short of perfect until the last couple of months. During the "perfect" period, we had healthy relationship problems, arguments, and we would always work things out.

    But lately, she had wanted to leave. I have counted a LOT of times where I had to literally beg on my knees for her to stay. And every time I would better myself and fix the problem. I would give her everything she wanted... gifts, flowers, cards and letters, patience, devotion, my love and commitment. It wasn't enough... she would then want to keep leaving, until finally she did. I was devastated because I had given EVERYTHING I had... I tried my best to make it work and make it happy even when I was dying inside. I would cry myself to sleep and wake up the next morning to ask for more. I love her, and she says she loves me all the time, she also says there is no one else (I am 100% sure about this).

    We had planned our future together(I know were younge but still... ), the kind cars, houses, kids and all that. It just kills me to look back at all the letters and pictures we had together.

    I have given her "space" before, and it worked, but this time it feels like she can actually leave me for good. She had wanted to leave for a long time, the only reason why she didn't, is because I promised to be better and really REALLY begged for her to stay.

    As for myself, I think I'm too jealous and insecure, I would always call her and stay by her side literally everyday. I think I smothered her too much to the point where she's just sick of me.

    Why would she want to leave?:( What can I do to get her back? Is there even a chance?

    She left me because she said she wasn't happy to be with me, she said I made her sad, she says she didn't want "me" anymore, but I know deep in my heart that she loves me.

    Help :(
    Its eating me alive...
    ForeverZero's Avatar
    ForeverZero Posts: 312, Reputation: 82
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    #2

    Feb 18, 2007, 04:24 PM
    Here's the deal. Women don't want candies and flowers and gifts. Women want appreciation and respect, both for her, and for yourself. When you beg and plead and buy her all sorts of crap it's completely meaningless. The fact that you've kept her this long is a reflection on how sorry she feels for leaving you. Women don't really admit this often, but what they really want is a challenge. They don't want somebody that's going to do whatever they say whenever, they want a bad boy. That doesn't mean bad character, that means that they want a guy that's going to piss them off occasionally. When you present yourself as submissive, you're going to get walked over. Women don't want men they can walk on.

    For the time being, you two are done, and you need to let her go. The more you call and beg and plead, the more you prove to her how right she was about you. It's time for you to head off into the world by yourself, and enjoy it. Women don't respond to weakness, they respond to strength, show yours and let her go.
    imissher's Avatar
    imissher Posts: 49, Reputation: 6
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    #3

    Feb 18, 2007, 04:36 PM
    That's really true 'foreverzero', but what do you mean "for the time being..". Does that mean that there's still hope?

    The thing is, she always leaves whenever she's not happy. She thinks by leaving me, it'll make her life better. But deep down inside, I know she wants to be with me. Im almost sure she's asking for space... but I'm not sure if she wants to get back together... all she said was.. I want to leave... and I finally let her go.
    ForeverZero's Avatar
    ForeverZero Posts: 312, Reputation: 82
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    #4

    Feb 18, 2007, 04:39 PM
    Well, do you want to be with somebody that doesn't want to be with you? If not, I'd suggest you take this time and evaluate your wants and needs. I say for now because it's been my experience that exes always tend to find their way back into your life at precisely the moment things are looking good for you without them. As the old expression goes, "It never rains, it pours." I'd think she'll be back sometime down the line, but you're talking a minimum of months, maybe years. Remember this. Life isn't better without you in it, it's easier. Right now she needs easier, so let her have easier. Enjoy your own easier life, and it might even turn out to be better.
    LBP's Avatar
    LBP Posts: 206, Reputation: 42
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    #5

    Feb 18, 2007, 04:42 PM
    The time for you and her is over. If you want to really drive her away for good, keep doing what you're doing. If you want to salvage some sort of friendship in the future, it's time to remember that the time for YOU has reared its head. Lash some reins on that thing and get ready to work on yourself - it's going to suck and at times it's going to feel like you've been going through the same old stupid garbage FOREVER, but trust me, things will pass.

    Remember your hobbies. Do you have a talent, like skateboarding, drawing or writing? Time to indulge in these things. Go to the gym and hit that weight set, if that's what you need to do. Run, get in shape, play basketball (what a great game that is!). Get a little of that testosterone out of your system with some healthy competition. If you don't have a job, get one and fast!

    At the end of the period of your coping, however long it may be, you're going to look back and realize two things. First, that it didn't last nearly as long as you thought it would. Second, that her dumping you may have been one of the best things to ever happen to you.

    Let her go, man. Get rid of her cell number, delete her email address and AIM contacts, do whatever you need to do. NO TALKING TO HER! If she cares about you, sometime down the line you can still be friends - there's a lot of years yet to plow, my friend! She has to live for herself, right now, and so do you. Here's the hard truth - when she took you back, after the begging, it was only because she felt pity for you. There was very little affection at work there! In fact, she very likely felt put upon for being the anchor to your emotions. YOu've done some damage that only time and self-improvement will repair.

    Get to it. I know you can do this. I know you'll come out of it a happier, stronger and generally improved human being. Good luck and enjoy your journey!
    imissher's Avatar
    imissher Posts: 49, Reputation: 6
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    #6

    Feb 18, 2007, 04:53 PM
    Those are both great points but(and I reallly appreciate it guys.. ):

    Letting her go is so devastating because we had been through sooo much. I could enjoy life to the fullest but in the end I want her to be a part of that. I know she TRULY cares about me, its just my obsessiveness and jealousness that drove her away.

    What kills me even more is her seeing other people. It destroys me to even think about it.

    I guess my question is, will giving her "space" and time mend her feelings towards me, and will it get us back the way it used to be?

    Would working on myself make her come back?
    ForeverZero's Avatar
    ForeverZero Posts: 312, Reputation: 82
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    #7

    Feb 18, 2007, 04:58 PM
    I think a better question is, do you want to make her come back?

    Or would you prefer it if she chose to come back without your involvement in any kind?


    You can't make her come back. The mentality that you can do that is jealousy and controlling behavior at work. You don't want to make her come back. You want her to want to come back. That's a decision only she can make, and your best bet is to leave her alone and let her do this herself. In the meantime, you're better off figuring out what you did wrong and solving it for yourself, not for her.
    drop's Avatar
    drop Posts: 10, Reputation: 3
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    #8

    Feb 18, 2007, 05:02 PM
    The harsh reality of the post-break up situation:

    1. Not working on yourself and being clingy/jealous will definitely keep you in both a painful place and away from her.

    2. Working on yourself probably won't bring her back. No matter what, she's likely gone for good (or, even though you don't know it yet, it may turn out you are gone for good).

    3. On the other hand, working on yourself will probably put in you in a place you can deal with not seeing her and make you attractive to someone else.
    LBP's Avatar
    LBP Posts: 206, Reputation: 42
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    #9

    Feb 18, 2007, 05:04 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by imissher
    Letting her go is so devastating because we had been through sooo much. I could enjoy life to the fullest but in the end i want her to be a part of that. I kno she TRULY cares about me, its just my obsessiveness and jealousness that drove her away.

    What kills me even more is her seeing other people. It destroys me to even think about it.
    Not having contact with her will spare you the knowledge of the fact that she WILL see other men and WILL have a good time with them. This is one of those things that you MUST accept or turn into a crazy person (ie stalker, obsessed ex, etc). You're young. You could meet someone in two years and be with them for three and hey, what do you know, you're only 24 and suddenly you've been through 'soooo much' with someone else. And you still have your entire life left ahead of you! This is not the end of the world, my friend.

    Quote Originally Posted by imissher
    I guess my question is, will giving her "space" and time mend her feelings towards me, and will it get us back the way it used to be?
    Probably not. Frankly, I doubt she feels the love you seem to assume that she does. It's not impossible, but a betting man would never take your chances.

    Quote Originally Posted by imissher
    Would working on myself make her come back?
    It's the only way... But the only way to work on yourself is remove her from your life. It's called No Contact - it works and it's not a ploy to regain someone's love. It's about becoming a better person. Please, adopt this!

    Start TODAY. Break it into days at first, then weeks and then months. If she calls you, you probably shouldn't answer the phone, but I know you will... If you do, keep it short, and tell her that she's RIGHT above all else! You DO need time apart... Obviously I don't know the specifics of the situation, but I've seen things and experienced things that tell me that life has given you a chance to improve that you need, no, MUST take.

    Good luck! You can do it!
    imissher's Avatar
    imissher Posts: 49, Reputation: 6
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    #10

    Feb 18, 2007, 05:13 PM
    ForeverZero wrote:

    "Or would you prefer it if she chose to come back without your involvement in any kind?"
    "You want her to want to come back."

    Those are STRONG words that I believe in, and I do want her to come back to me without my involvement. Would no contact and space make her realize her feelings for me? The only reason why I keep repeating that question is because for the last couple of months, I have literally smothered her from the world... (That started when she almost cheated on me). And now that I am giving her a chance to breathe, would she realize what I mean to her.

    I would also like to say that this like the first time that she actually left.

    Thnks to everybody responding by the way... means a lot.
    ForeverZero's Avatar
    ForeverZero Posts: 312, Reputation: 82
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    #11

    Feb 18, 2007, 05:20 PM
    No, no contact will not make her realize her feelings for you. IT MIGHT.

    You cannot speak in absolutes in terms of the future. I think your best chances, and again, they're only chances, are if you leave her alone. You should prepare for the outcome that it's over permanently, and accept it.
    imissher's Avatar
    imissher Posts: 49, Reputation: 6
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    #12

    Feb 18, 2007, 05:44 PM
    I have already prepared for all outcomes and have realized that she probably won't come back (I always think of the worst case scenarios)... but how much better are my chances if I left her alone.

    And can anyone explain or verify the "no-contact" thing. How she would feel about it, and if or not it actually works.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,328, Reputation: 10855
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    #13

    Feb 18, 2007, 07:37 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by imissher
    I have already prepared for all outcomes and have realized that she probably wont come back (i always think of the worst case scenarios)... but how much better are my chances if i left her alone.

    And can anyone explain or verify the "no-contact" thing. How she would feel about it, and if or not it actually works.
    No Contact is the means for you to deal with the pain of a break up and get healthy and move on with your life. No contact has never to my knowledge brought anyone back, nor is it intended to. It is intended for you to have a life that you enjoy without her and to accept the death of this relationship and bring the balance back into your life by finding out who you are and what you are about in life. Time and hard work will bring you to the point of being able to handle the feelings you have and dealing with the reality of your situation. There are many here on this forum who are in the same boat you are. So read the other threads for insight.
    imissher's Avatar
    imissher Posts: 49, Reputation: 6
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    #14

    Feb 18, 2007, 10:39 PM
    Hey thanks for the replies, its honestly doing me some good rite now... and thankfully I have not done anything stupid (i.e. emailing, texting, stalking,) thanks to you guys.

    I am still twisted about this entire thing and I was just wondering what kind of reaction will a girl get after you give her the no-contact treatment. The girl still loves you, she just wants some space alone.

    Generally, how do girls feel about the no-contact treatment? Hopefully I get a female perspective, but at this point.. any is fine. Thks a million for the help people.
    Jade2009's Avatar
    Jade2009 Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #15

    Feb 19, 2007, 12:14 AM
    One of my friends is going through the same thing with her boyfriend. So from a girl's perspective you just have to let her have space. If she really wants to be with you she'll come back. You said you know she still loves you and that's probably true but just because you love someone doesn't mean that you should be with them. It's only with distance that a girl can truly see if she's happier apart or if she misses you so much she wants to get back together.

    Don't contact her. Calls and e-mails may temporarily bring her back but it's not a longterm solution. Just make sure she knows that if she changes her mind and does want to come back you always want her to call.
    chuff's Avatar
    chuff Posts: 3,397, Reputation: 1235
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    #16

    Feb 19, 2007, 03:23 AM
    I think this relationship was over a long time ago. It's obvious she knew that and I think if you are honest with yourself you also realized this was over months ago if not longer. I don't doubt you miss her but I think a lot of your feelings are more of fear going forward. At 19 your not sure where life is headed and you've lost a anchor that was in the transitional period from high school to real world. I think part of what your feeling is a loss of your childhood or at lest a loss of your teen years and an uncertainy about what or where your going in the future.

    I'm not going to lie you made several major mistakes in your treatment of your girlfriend. But if you can learn from it you'll be able to turn this pain into a positive down the road. Take it from me, I did not learn many times over and continued to feel the pain your in right now. I think ForeverZero gave you some great advice in his first post so I won't repeat a lot of that but I did want to draw attention to this quote.

    Quote Originally Posted by imissher
    I was devasted because i had given EVERYTHING i had
    In the future never, ever give a woman everything. In fact never give her more than 50% of yourself. You must always make yourself the most important person in the relationship because if you don't your left with nothing like now. Your left picking up the pieces wondering why when she's off doing her thing and has not a care in the world. If you find that you're ever giving more then 50% of yourself pull back or let her go immediately before your lose it all.

    This is your first major break up. You've got to give YOURSELF some space and quite honestly some credit because what your feeling is all new and your searching for answers. I won't BS you this won't change overnight but it will get better. Believe it or not it may wind up helping you in the future if you choose to learn from it. If you make the pain mean something you have meaning over the pain.
    imissher's Avatar
    imissher Posts: 49, Reputation: 6
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    #17

    Feb 19, 2007, 10:49 AM
    Chuff, I couldn't agree more. But are you guys saying that its completely over? Because my ex is the type of girl to stay at home after a break up... and feel guilty about the things she did. She would usually make irrational decisions, and take it back later. (Usually when she takes me back, I have something to do with it.) This time I want her to come back on her own.

    I know deep down inside, that she still has some feelings for me, even though its little LITTLE feeling. The problem is, she is a strong girl that doesn't admit to be wrong, and I'm worried that she won't call in the next couple of days because she is very stubborn. I know pretty much for sure that she IS hurting without me there.

    Do stubborn girls actually HAVE feelings and miss their ex's after leaving them? And if they do... will they EVER admit their wrong and call you back?

    Thnks in advance.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,328, Reputation: 10855
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    #18

    Feb 19, 2007, 11:07 AM
    One thing for sure you have not accepted what she told you so no contact will do you no good here,friend. You are still hoping she comes to her senses and come back. You need a life without her bad.
    I
    have literally smothered her from the world... (That started when she almost cheated on me). And now that I am giving her a chance to breathe, would she realize what I mean to her.
    Does this sound a lttle unhealthy to you and what does almost cheated on you mean?
    imissher's Avatar
    imissher Posts: 49, Reputation: 6
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    #19

    Feb 19, 2007, 11:18 AM
    Hey tal, why would no contact do good? And the part where she almost cheated, a couple of months ago before I got all obsessive and jealous, I found out she gave her contacts to some guy and started talking to him(mostly msn). I obviously found out and she said sorry for everything and never talked to him again. We reconciled, but I wasn't the same person. I had lost trust and I would become a selfish and insecure little kid.

    I have accepted that she is gone. True, I am hoping, but who wouldn't hope for the best. I am doing the best I can do live life without her, but tell me why no contact doesn't do good here... because I think it does. Mind you, she is the type to come back... but she is very stubborn! and will only come back when I ask her to.

    The only thing I can do now is no-contact.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,328, Reputation: 10855
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    #20

    Feb 19, 2007, 11:48 AM
    In your mind from what you wrote, this is not over, so what would you be healing from? Your are waiting, not grieving. Big Difference. No contact is to move on, not wait. Yes she gone, but you know she'll be back. No contact means being unavailable forever, is that what you want? Not from what you have written.

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