She isn't sending you mixed signals at all, but your receiving them. She has clearly told you where her head is, and she is telling you she needs to heal without that romantic stuff clouding her head.

She is wanting a friend who understands where she is at, and needs help to get through it. All you see is clouded by your supposedly good luck, a pretty face and false hope, and a lot of insecurity.

That because your thinking with your heart, and your needs, and can't even see beyond what you want, and what your afraid of. You aren't paying very close attention, because if you did, it would be about a friend helping a friend, not losing a girlfriend.

That's why your in real danger of getting your heart broken, because your expecting something she can't give you, and that's what you want. Back away dude because you don't have the help to give her, nor the means. Don't be mad about it though, just protect your heart, and if you can't see friendship through your feelings you need to break this off and let her heal on her own.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

She isn't sending you mixed signals at all, but your receiving them. She has clearly told you where her head is, and she is telling you she needs to heal without that romantic stuff clouding her head.

She is wanting a friend who understands where she is at, and needs help to get thru it. All you see is clouded by your supposedly good luck, a pretty face and false hope, and a lot of insecurity.

That because your thinking with your heart, and your needs, and can't even see beyond what you want, and what your afraid of. You aren't paying very close attention, because if you did, it would be about a friend helping a friend, not losing a girlfriend.

Thats why your in real danger of getting your heart broken, because your expecting something she can't give you, and thats what you want. Back away dude because you don't have the help to give her, nor the means. Don't be mad about it though, just protect your heart, and if you can't see friendship thru your feelings you need to break this off and let her heal on her own.

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So basically she just wants the company, even if she thinks she likes me

Maybe she does like you... But I like many girls and none are so special though. She just needs you right now but not for a relationship but as a friend. Can you handle that? That's all this can be. If you let her know that since she told you she doesn't want a relationship but that you like her enough to be in one with her that you have to stop talking to her for a while.

If you leave her alone now... u may have a chance later when she has fully recovered. Right now u don't stand a chance even if she tries to force it, which she is! Don't get hurt. Care about yourself. At least u know you had good and now you know you can find better and never doubt yourself again. Be humble. Be cool! You don't need her... you are better than that. Go back to school with swagger! There will be plenty of girls in your life. Don't worry about this. Ok?

I think she does like you, but not in the way you want her to, nor should she. She is still working through her feelings from her last guy.

Plus another thing your overlooking is its way to early in this thing to be jumping to conclusions about your feelings for each other.

Your in the dating stage where its fun getting to know each other, and enjoying yourself. You sound so carried away by the intense feelings for her, but she is a stranger, with a lot more to learn about.

Then you expect her to walk away from what she has been through, and focus on her feelings for you. Hey dude that's a long way off, and though she may treat you nice, its up to you to pay attention, and keep your perspective, as to where you stand.

For now, just enjoy what you have, but don't expect more. And don't get carried away. You will learn from this, and can have a good time, But protect your heart. Mostly from your own inexperience, and getting in too deep, too fast.

Even if her intentions are pure, she will need space later to process all she has been through, and is going through, and how to deal with her next steps. You may, or may not be a part of that. To early to tell.

Okay, I understand, but I'm still confused. She said when we started that she liked me, but she didn't want a serious relationship with me... yet she said yes when I asked her out. Why would she be my girlfriend if she doesn't want a serious relationship? What defines a serious relationship?

Serious relationship= romance and a commitment to give it your all.

Dating= Having fun getting to know each other. No commitment to romance.

A serious relationship may follow, but right now, she is having fun getting to know you. That's why you keep expectations at a realistic level, and don't get carried away by your own feelings for her. In my mind then its 6 months, and you may know enough to see where you want to go from there.

I believe in dating many, and if one hits your fancy then you can date, by mutual agreement, EXCLUSIVELY! That has always kept me from fixating on one person, and letting my intense feelings get me carried away, and see more to things than what it is.

Often people who are only dating a new person give too much of themselves, and get all hyped up in love, and see more than reality, they start to fantasize, and hope for more.

They fall hard when things change, and it takes a long hard journey to heal from the reality that their partner doesn't feel the same way.

Its important to balance your life with other people, places, and things in your life besides just her, while at this very fragile time, when the juices are really flowing, or you get too attached, and dependent on her for your happiness. That's your responsibility.

She didn't allow herself enough time to get over her ex, and that is a red flag that she jumped too fast into something with you, while she is healing, before she was ready.

Sure she can date and have fun, but like most, after she has healed she will be ready to move beyond the one who helped her heal. Knowing this, enjoy it for what it is, a good time, but hardly a commitment for romance. She is just taking care of her needs, the best way she knows how. Taking care of your needs, is up to you

So I understand now. She probably likes me, but she's not planning on falling in love with me, I'm most likely going to springboard her back to her ex, or to someone else, just bad timing... :-/

Yes, that is a very good possibility. And yes its more bad timing, than anything you have control over. Its mainly up to her, and how she feels, so don't take it personally, because its more her circumstances, and feelings than your.

Just back up emotionally, and have fun with more realistic expectations.

You would hardly be the first one to getting a little ahead of themselves in a relationship though, as we all have at one time or another. Its quite the life lesson to go through. But rewarding, depending on your attitude toward yourself. And your own coping skills.

She told me to add her mom on Facebook, and her and her mom are really close... does this mean anything?

I think you are fishing dude. From the looks of it you are neck deep with her. You are taking her to serious after she told you not to. She made it clear upfront that it wasn't going to be serious. If someone says this upfront. They usually mean it.

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Originally Posted by overayear

I think you are fishing dude. From the looks of it you are neck deep with her. You are taking her to serious after she told you not to. She made it clear upfront that it wasnt going to be serious. If someone says this upfront. They usually mean it.

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I understand that, but she told me at the beginning that she likes me, and that she doesn't want a serious relationship with me because she didn't want to make the mistakes she made with her ex. But we have been together for four weeks, I mean, I know its not a long time, but if she didn't want a serious relationship, why is she still with me. And before she never mentioned it, but now she told me to add her mom on Facebook, she talks to her mom about me... I mean I'm young so school me, does this not mean anything?


Maybe she's falling for me?

Think about it -

4 weeks... hmmm not a great deal of time to consider a ''serious'' relationship

She has also told you that she has feelings for her Ex

I totally agree that leaving the laptop is a BIG hint!

Unless you want to be a stepping stone to hurt; let it go!

By the way, take care

Yeah, but she told her ex that she felt guilty cause she was emotionally cheating on me by talking to him about their past relaitonship, I don't know I'm sort of lost about how she feels, do you not think she could change her mind after a month? About wanting a serious relationship?

Be careful as she maybe playing the two of you off against each other - BIGGG ego trip - just a thought but something to bear in mind anyway!

I don't think that's it, but I'll keep it in mind, but , can she change her mind? About not wanting a serious relationship?

I don't know man, I mean for only being together with her for 4 weeks its seems that you are waaay to into her. Right now should be more about fun and not really worrying about how much she likes you or not. She has feelings and is still writing her ex!! You don't deserve that and you should let her get over him first. She told him to be patient with her and when someone says that it means that somewhere down the line she plans on going back to him. I am not saying that she will but as of right now she is consdering that. Why would you want to be with a girl who is pretty much thinking that she wants to be with someone else in the furture. The only thing that you should be doing is enjoying this girls company, not looking for her to be in love with you. It doesn't seem like you are able to do that. You are looking for something deeper with this girl and to be honest I don't think you are going to find that. If you can't just date her and enjoy this moment in time then you need to walk away. It seems like you are setting up yourself to get hurt. Look how you are trying to examine her every word and action. You are thinking tooo much and its only been 4 weeks.

So, just enjoy being around her, but don't anticipate it developing into anything serious? But if it does it does? I guess I can do that, I just like to know before hand if I should be expecting anything

Doesn't sound like she wants any sort of relationship at the moment :)

I think you are invested too much all ready and it will be hard for you just to have fun and not take her serious. I think your best bet would be to walk away.

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Originally Posted by lp2009

So, just enjoy being around her, but don't anticipate it developing into anything serious? But if it does it does? I guess I can do that, I just like to know before hand if I should be expecting anything

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Nobody can answer that at this time not even her. It's a chance we all take when we date.

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Originally Posted by kappachino

doesnt sound like she wants any sort of relationship at the moment :)

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I don't know, its tough to call, cause we are officially exclusive, bf/gf, we are in college, and her ex was her only other boyfriend, I have a feeling they'll get back together, I don't know, but I want to know what I can do to prevent that from happening, and see if I can make it work with me and her

Again, just have fun getting to know her. She has obviously latched on to you, so stop thinking and wishing and enjoy the ride while it lasts, or given the facts make a decision.

I think when she told you she didn't want a serious relationship, but an exclusive on, that was the time for questions, and answers.

That would at least been a way to find out where your at instead of being confused.

Okay I will concede your inexperience, and even give you credit for not wanting to lose a good catch. But again I warn you about falling under her charms to fast with knowing the FACTS that you do and that she has been upfront about it.

Trust me, if her mind changes, you will be the first to know.

Now why does she want her mother on your Facebook list? That's odd to me. Now that's something you don't have to assume what it means, and should ask about. Have you met or something??

So, she told her ex that she doesn't think they'll happen again, she still got upset the last time they talked, but they aren't going to anymore. Lately we've been getting really close, I think she's falling for me, we had our 1 month aniv. And things went well... I guess here is a case where the rebound works out!

How would you know after only a month?

The only thing that's happened is she decided to stop talking to an ex.

Of course that's good news to you, but don't get carried away.

I hate to say this but for some crazy reason I don't think it's the last time she will talk to her EX. Maybe she will but I wouldn't get my hopes to high. They seem to have a lot of un finished biz. You guys have only been together for a short period. I would slow it down a bit.

I don't understand how you can't start falling for someone after a month? She really likes me, we spend a lot of time together, I don't suspect that she's over her ex yet because the last argument they had she got pretty upset, but they won't talk anymore so she'll get over him. I mean if she's been with me for a month, she should have a good idea of who I am, and probably thinks it'll be a long term thing right? I thought relationships either fizzled out in the first month or so, and if not they usually make it to at least the 8th month mark

When we come out of a relationship we need time out to heal from the breakup-going from one relationship to another means we haven't got rid of the baggage from the previous one.
That's why rebounds seldom work.

This isn't basketball, but I'm going for the rebound.
I don't even care how stupid I sound.
I'll ignore all the signs, ignore her own words.
I'll just send a note of hope, straight up with the birds.

I believe in fairytales, oh yes, oh yes I do.
I'll keep telling myself this, even if I know it's not true.
She seems to confuse me many times.
It's kind of getting lame, just like all these rhymes.

She wants me, but she also wants the ex.
Says she will forget him, will she forget the sex?
This relationship is already taking its toll.
I know I should move on, but I'll ignore my role.

I'll drive myself crazy, I will settle for less.
This devilish relation, I hope God will bless.
I'll be her rebound, though she needs her time to heal.
I will ignore what my brain is saying, because this is how I feel.

I guess I will learn the hard way, not listening to you.
Thanks for all the hard work, but nothing you can do.
I will continue ignoring your advice, as you can see.
So when you are finally right, I'll be back on AMHD!

I still don't understand, no matter what... she needs time before she gets into a new relationship? We are taking it slow, I mean I'm catching feelings quickly but its been a month and we have been taking it slow, I heard that helps the relationship, she still doesn't mention her ex even though, up until now they were talking every few days, but she said she was done with him, done talking, she doesn't think they're going to get back together again, she's very loyal so all her focus is on me now

For the first 4/5/6 months proceed with caution is all anyone is telling you because things generally are awesome in the beginning. She is awesome. That's human. Its when you have been together a while you start noticing things about her you didn't know, and learning her beyond the romantic notions dancing in your head.

Relationships are like your first car, your so thrilled to be riding, you can overlook all the imperfections, but after a while the gas and maintenance makes you deal with reality. Then the upkeep and repairs start piling up, and though you hate it, its time for a new car.

Look, all everyone is saying to fall so deep, so soon, that you can't pay attention and protect your heart. Enjoy yourself, but keep it real, and don't put her on a pedestal, and worship her as a goddess, because the simple truth is you have a lot more to learn, about her, and yourself.

Had to spread the rep but Tal I think your car anlaogy is dead on. LP2009- just take it easy bro. Right now its supposed to be fun, fun and more fun.

So I'm not in a rebound?

I am confused as to what it is you are asking or trying to get out of this relationship. To me, its pretty clear that her and her ex are not over each other or the relationship. So if it looks like a rebound, smells like a rebound then its probably a rebound. Again I don't know for sure but from the information provided that's what it seems like to me.

LP2009, you are definitely the rebound. I am in a very very similar situation. No matter what she says to you, she obviously has feelings for her ex. He is going to remain in her life for a while. She hasn't had time to get over him or him over her. Right now, it sounds like she is just looking for companionship. Someone to keep her warm at night. Someone to validate the fact that she is worth something to another human. She doesn't want to deal with the feelings, hurt and pain of a break up.

She said she didn't want a serious relationship - but you are exclusive - which doesn't make sense. You are just waiting to get your feelings hurt. She could get back with her ex boyfriend, or realize she is just using you for the companionship. You could realize she is using you for the companionship and then want to bail.

My most recent "relationship" if you can call it that was me being someone else's rebound after a divorce - he told me he was over it - yet still has to deal with her - and in the end he just wanted the companionship so as not to realize that night time is lonely when you are single. My feelings got hurt, but at least I recognized it for what it was. Ya he was an awesome guy - bbut the timing was off.

If you are going to stick it out - you need to set some boundaries - go out and see other people - let her do the same - she doesn't want a serious relationship - then you shouldn't be in one. Hang out and have fun but don't go over board. Realize its about having fun and not about ending up in a relationship because your feelings will get hurt.

Honestly - you should tell her she needs time to sort things out and give you a calling a few months and just leave her alone until then - but I don't think you are willing to do that. So just becareful who you give your heart away to.

The car analogy a few posts earlier - is DEAD ON!

So her ex put on his fb status the other day that he was really sick with the flu, she sent him a text while she was with me that said "i'll pray for you, feel better" and that was it, he replied to her saying that all he could think about was her and she hasn't spoken to him since, it makes me really mad that he won't let it go, she told him it was over but she still sent him a text message, even if she meant it just to be nice he probably didn't interpret it that way

I read some of these posts. Whatever you do - don't push her to stop talking to him. If their attachment breaks slowly it is good for you. If it doesn't, you will know, and you can move on with all the lessons you learn from this process. If she (or you) forces herself to stop now, some time later you will find her going back to him. Let her get over it in her own way. Let her explore her way out of this.

Interesting post tara, why do you say that?

I say this because she should experience the loss now, and so should he. He should see her grieve, and she should grieve to let him go completely, slowly. Otherwise, both of them will remain stuck in old times.

You don't worry- they broke up for a reason. It had nothing to do with you. That reason still holds, and you are fine as long as you take care of yourself and don't try too hard.

So I just called her and she was really upset, I asked her why and she said her ex won't leave her alone and keeps sending her long messages on fb and every time she gets one she starts crying, I'm almost tempted to leave her. She said that our relationship has nothing to do with her and her ex's problems and that I shouldn't worry, I asked her what he said and she said its not important and she said she will always be in love with him but she can't be with him, it hurts me to see her so upset and I asked her to block him on fb but she siad that was really mean and immature and she'd never do that, I don't know what to do about this situation I almost want to walk out, but at the same time, issues only come up whenver he sends her a message, if they aren't talking everything is fine and she's happy but whenever he starts talking to her its like he knows how to push her buttons and make her sad, should I say something to him?

Sorry guy, she must learn on her own that the only way she can heal, and move on is go through the very difficult process of NO CONTACT. Unless she does, she will be upset, until she is tired of being upset. Since you have already spoken to her about this, let her make up her own mind and maybe back away until she does.

This is basically her problem to fix, not yours, even though it affects you both!!