Right. That's what he did. He completely let me down while I was loyal.Quote:
You just need to surround yourself with love and the people who love you and will never let you down.
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Right. That's what he did. He completely let me down while I was loyal.Quote:
You just need to surround yourself with love and the people who love you and will never let you down.
Be proud of yourself for being a loyal person and for being someone who dared move on when faced with this man s rubbish.
Try to eat right it s essential and get some proper sleep-try herbal teas and relaxing music before bed.
Every day that passes will lessen your pain.
Oh, god... it is horrible and harsh... I am seeing clearly now, there is no way I can go back to the good time again. All is gone...Quote:
Pawn yours, and treat yourself with the proceeds, and never look back!
The ring have meant to me a lot, and I have kept it as the most precious piece, and have slept with it since he gave it to me. He gave it to me in the cruise trip on the Christmas eve, with his one knee. It was promise ring, but had a big diamond on it, and he was so proud of giving it to me. Now it became only an evidence of real ugliness, and proof of how big liar he was.
I feel like... I received a nicely wrapped Christmas gift, kept it close to my heart, and finally opened it with huge expectation, but only found out it is filled with BS. He obviously trashed my heart... for nothing... it is just horrible and heart broken... tearing me a part...
I am in a deep sorrow, I am not sure when and how I can get out from it... but just hope I can completely loose all the memory which reminds me the pain every minute... it is just hurting...
Break ups for any reasons suck. It will get better, if your busy, and proactive in the process of healing from this experience.
Easier said than done, for sure. Read the stickies, there is a link in my signature for some insights, and suggestions, on dealing with these traumatic situations.
If the idea of getting rid of the ring doesn't appeal to you, what would you think about turning it into another piece of jewelry that would be a promise to yourself of healing and moving toward the future? You could even design it yourself.
Please, don't let him make you feel like hiding yourself away from everyone and every thing you care about. Once you start it is very hard to come back out.
Some self time can be beneficial, but too much will have your thoughts running around in circles and spiraling downward. Upset feeding on anger feeding on disappointment feeding on all the other negative thoughts and feelings leave very little room for hope, happiness, laughter, and all the good feelings that help rebuild your self-esteem and respect. I know those good feelings seem so far away right now, but they are there just waiting for you to perceive them again.
CAT1864,Quote:
If the idea of getting rid of the ring doesn't appeal to you, what would you think about turning it into another piece of jewelry that would be a promise to yourself of healing and moving toward the future? You could even design it yourself.
Please, don't let him make you feel like hiding yourself away from everyone and every thing you care about. Once you start it is very hard to come back out.
It is just an appropriate & wonderful advice, and I appreciate your wisdom. I would take it a part, get rid of his signature, and turn it to a toe ring, so I can step on it whenever I walk around. It would be a perfect version of revenge of mine to humiliate him enough, only if he is a person who have common sense, but the size of the stone is too big for my toe, and will not happen... Unfortunately, I have small toes... ha ha The idea makes me feel better already, and I am smiling in tears...
I am not hiding from people, but have no interest or energy to do anything now. I called for sick in the morning. I will stay home for a week to pass this difficult time. I think I will be better off being by myself now. For some reason, I feel so shameful, and deeply disgraced, and not too good enough to face people who know me. I am just crying, and feel so sorry for everything happened. I know I should work it out with this feeling.
Thanks much for your warm heart! So nice of you.
Every break up is tough. Furthermore, you're still in the early stages of a break up, so it's natural to rethink all the past actions and mistakes. I suggest that you keep your mind as occupied as possible so that you DON'T have to reflect on what happened.
1.5 years is a long time. I'm sure you've had some ups and downs. If you focus too much on the downs, it will really hurt. Why not remember the good stuff and let the rest go. Be glad that you found out all these bad things about him, now, rather than later. Try to focus on the positives instead of the negatives. Now you're free as a bird! Free of all the lies and deceit.
Good things...Quote:
Why not remember the good stuff and let the rest go
Iwish, all was good until Friday. I know he was in love, he told me how amazing relationship he has until last week. He told me I was the sweetest person he ever seen always. Our sex has been bliss for both of us from the beginning till last week. I am reasonably self independent person, respected his space while I enjoyed my friends and work. What I do not understand is why he started to cheat on me while he was happy. I have been so supportive whatever he does. There was no warning sign as I try hard to remember, except he was not available every Friday since a couple month ago on and off. It cannot be all that acting... for that long, and he was very passionate & sweet to me. I am very confused what to believe and what not to believe anymore... It is really mess.
The were no signs of the bad things to come because he hid them really well. So be glad that you had some happy times, but also be glad that you found out the truth. It's a mess because you keep thinking about why you didn't see the signs. Part of you must feel disappointed for not being able to read through him during that 1.5 year. But like someone said earlier, better late than never.
Learn from the experience and move on. There's a lot to look forward to in life, so don't look backwards anymore. Keep your head in front, or else you're going to miss things that fly by you.
I know it's tough and getting over someone is easier said than done, but it can be done! Just believe in yourself. Don't dwell on the past. Don't add to the confusion anymore. Leave it all behind you and move forward.
Rebecca,
This is all very fresh and new still. It's going to take time and you will feel awful for a while. A lot of what you are saying reminds me of what I went through recently. I wasn't cheated on, but was lied to and felt deceived by someone who I had previously thought was a great partner. The relationship had been great (I thought) and I saw no signs until the end. I know how much you are hurting now. I couldn't eat or sleep at first, either. I had to grieve first and felt depressed, but then I got angry. After that, I was able to accept it and knew that I was going to come out better in the end. Reading threads on here was a huge help to me. I got a lot of insight, and more importantly found ways to deal with my loss constructively. If you haven't seen this thread, it was the one that helped me in the beginning to figure out what to do. https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...rs-359578.html
When I couldn't sleep, I came to this board and would read for hours. The posts gave me hope and helped me realize that I had done nothing wrong and I deserved better. I made notes as I read - books I wanted to read, things I wanted to accomplish, and some of the statements I read that really impacted me. I came up with a plan of how to proceed, and that gave me a lot of empowerment.
It all takes time, though. It's been almost 2 months for me now, and I can truly say I am doing well. You will have setbacks, but they too will pass. I hope you will find the strength and courage to get through this and realize that you too deserve better.
Justlooking,Quote:
When I couldn't sleep, I came to this board and would read for hours. The posts gave me hope and helped me realize that I had done nothing wrong and I deserved better. I made notes as I read - books I wanted to read, things I wanted to accomplish, and some of the statements I read that really impacted me. I came up with a plan of how to proceed, and that gave me a lot of empowerment.
I am so touched. I agree this board helps me a lot, actually a single source for me for now, gives me assurance & emotional support. It is good to find warm people on this board who have gone through the same path, and try to help me to get through. I would read the stories for hours just like you did to find the strength & constructive plans when I cannot sleep. Gee, I am crying again... Thanks a lot.
I do not know how you pick the attached story, but guess what. He is also very obsessed with fame & fortune, career driven, and hate to loose anything in any competition. For him, everyday is a competition, and I was his best trophy he was so proud of. I treated him sweet & loyal, and I stayed in low key to comfort his stressed out ego. I never thought I would end up to be cheated!
He and I both came from good family, shared a lot common interest, and had no doubt we will have great future together (as I thought). It is gone now, and it is useless for me to keep talking about it. I feel like an idiot... Right now though I hate him the most. I just cannot accept that he dare to went out with other girls behind of my back. Deception, deception and deception every Friday... not forgivable in life time.
I unplugged home phone, turned off cell phone, and chained my door. My best friend at work just emailed me that he called her & asked if I was at work. She asked me what was going on. I replied to her, do not bother to talk to him in future since we are over...
I need sleep, but cannot sleep... I am sort of dozed off, but wake up every 5 minute as frightened.
Hi all,
I have a fundamental question for you.
He cheated on me for some reason. I am facing it, and accept it.
If he meets someone "the real one" in future, will he be faithful?
In terms, is it me or him in this cheating incident?
I will appreciate your honest insight. I am scared, but am ready to accept the truth to move over without denial.
I believe there is no "real one" for anybody.
You didn't make him cheat. He had the choice to, and he chose to do it. He is the weak one. You are the strong one.
Thanks. I appreciate it. What a relief!Quote:
Originally Posted by DerelictHerds
When everything settles down, dear, you will see so many things. You just need to focus on making your life as amazing as you can. Without this jackass ruining it any more.
Spread your wings
I agree with DerelictHerds. I don't think there is a "one". I think there are many possibilities out there for each of us, and when we find someone who is compatible it takes communication, honesty, and trust (among other things) to make a relationship work. The man you are talking about did none of those things. You did all of those things. It's him - not you. Without some major change and insight on his part, he will continue to make mistakes. He is not honorable.
I know it is difficult to sleep at first, but you need to find a way to do that, to eat healthy, and to generally take care of yourself. Make sure you eat at least three times a day, foods that are good for you, even if you don't feel like eating. I found the best way to sleep was to wear myself out - I worked harder at work, and I exercised daily (which I normally do, but as much as I wanted to lay around and feel sorry for myself I made myself exercise). If you can find something to relieve your stress, it will be really helpful. For me, it was playing racquetball - hitting that ball as hard as I could against the wall felt so good. Find a way to laugh if you can - I turned to friends, movies and even the humor section of this board. There are some really funny people here. I also laugh a lot when I play racquetball, just because I'm having so much fun. Finding the fun in life helps so much.
One other thing - he's already called looking for you. Be aware that he may not give up easily. My ex hounded me for weeks. Don't let him get to you. I read my thread over many times. It gave me strength. Every time I read it, I knew I had done the right thing for me.
She actually ended it and played with me for 2 months and lied to me. I went to a trip and when I came back I didn't want to be with her, though she was already with that other guy she cheated on me. This is only a small summary.Quote:
Originally Posted by confusedrebecca
In the beginning it wasn't easy, I had diarrhea, hair loss and white hair growing ( the pain and shock was huge ). But like a robot I followed advices without thinking about it, meaning going out, doing sport and socializing. I was better after 2 weeks and so will you. Don't stay at home, go out and train and do some sport, it's probably one of the best thing that helped me cope with it.
It left me deep scars, I knew I couldn't trust any future girlfriend and I would end up sleeping with them and not calling back, hence doing them lots of pain. I took my time before finding another girlfriend and I'm still taking my time and I'm taking care of myself.
paxe,
I can feel your pain. I am not sure I am crying for your pain or mine at this moment. I wish your best luck. Cheers and thanks...
Justlooking,Quote:
One other thing - he's already called looking for you. Be aware that he may not give up easily. My ex hounded me for weeks. Don't let him get to you. I read my thread over many times. It gave me strength. Every time I read it, I knew I had done the right thing for me.
Thanks for your wise advice. I think it is impossible for me to go back to him no matter what he does, not because I am so perfectly determinded person, but I just simply cannot touch the person anymore. It is so disgusting. I kept washing my hands since saturdy...
Yes, I am looking for my wings under my arms... but they are not visible at this moment... will find them soon I hope. Thanks for your kind words.Quote:
Originally Posted by DerelictHerds
Thanks! I'm actually 100 times much better and I have almost no pain, just scars but they do heal, right? Take life easy but do try to get active and not sit at home. Try to get some friends of family to see you, they are always there to help.Quote:
Originally Posted by confusedrebecca
paxe,
I am glad you are better now. Thanks, and I am going to see my friends this weekend if I feel better. I know I need to open my chest to relese this stress. Thanks much.
Seeing your friends would be a good thing as you ll be able to both get things off your chest and also do things to keep your mind off the situation.
Are you feeling a bit better today?
Day 5
He started to knock my door around 8 pm last night. He is keep saying "I know you are there..." over my door, and finally left by 9 pm. Just after he left, I went out, collected the flower in front of my door, and dumped them in the trash can. He left 7 voice mails over night. Well, his voice has been changed to desperate. He is keep saying that he loves me, I am the best thing happen to him, he does not want to see us apart because of his silly flirting with random girls. He said it was purely his mistake. Oh, sure. Do I have to thank him because he did not say he had meaningless sex with them? What a manipulator...
Day 6
He sent me series of emails at 4 am just like what he did when he started to chase me 1.5 years ago. He sent me music clips, and the puppy pictures we recently viewed for future adoption. He asked me if I like to go out for puppy shopping. If we buy a puppy, he says we would need to move in together to take care of the puppy. He obviously knows what button he has to press to make me weak... Well, is he what he did to get other girls online as well?
I feel like I am under attack by a stranger who wants to take my bare heart again for his own benefit... I got flu & high fever somehow, lay down like vegetable all day long. I know it is useless, but I am keep thinking how he could do it to me. He was so territorial, took care of me hard, did not allow me wear any low cut blouse or revealing dress if I was not with him. He would pick up a fight if any guys stare at me hard at a club. Whenever I could not answer his call for some reason, he would be very upset, and asked me where I was until he completely satisfied. He needed to know every move of mine, and I took it as a strong sign of love. But he dated other girls meantime behind of my back? He has clearly double standard in his mind. I do not know him anymore. I must dated a wolf under sheap skin. I feel like I was mopped... I know I am in circle... need to get out, but feel helpless.
So not only a cheater but an emotionally abusive controlfreak.
You re well shot of him!
And now it sounds as if he may turn into a stalker-sorry but he can't be allowed to turn up outside your door night after night-call the police if he persists.
I just had a lock smith came over, and got a new lock on my door. I should be able to sleep in peace without worrying about him to enter my place from now on.
Hey you, you just lost the privilege to enter my place.
amicon,Quote:
Originally Posted by amicon
I think I got stomach flu, and my body does not want to accept any food. Actually physical pain is easier to deal with... I will take some medicine from my cabinet. I will force myself go out this weekend, since it will the first weekend as I am single after long 1.5 years of committed relationship (to a wrong person). I do not want to be alone this weekend. Thanks a lot... so kind of you.
Your body s reacting to the shock of it all-thats normal.
Just look after yourself and keep posting.
Stress and upset are probably adding to the effects of the flu. I hope you are getting plenty of liquids and taking care of yourself. (I am a mother can you tell? :) )
This individual sounds like he has been watching too many romantic comedies if he thinks any of that would work. If his actions weren't so pathetic, I would be tempted to laugh at him. As it is, I think I pity him because he has no clue about real life and relationships.
There is no need to blame yourself for any of this. From what you are saying, I am guessing that he came on strong in some areas like the emails and slowly undermined your self-confidence in others. Undermining by its very nature only works if it is done slowly and carefully so that the person doesn't notice until it is too late. However, YOU did notice and did something about it. You are doing something about it.
You really need to block his emails. Hopefully, if they aren't delivered he gets a message saying that his emails were blocked. Same thing with his phone number.
Have you talked to your family yet? Is there someone who could stay with you while you are sick? Talking to them may also take some of the stress off and help you feel better not only emotionally but physically.
amicon,Quote:
Originally Posted by amicon
I thought so too. Thanks.
By the way, I do not talk to him, and will not say stop stalking either. Are you suggesting I should call police by myself without noticing him? It seems harsh. Any better suggestions? He is known as my boyfriend for years by nationhood, and nobody will stop him to wondering around my place. It is annoying, but not threatening so far.
If he keeps going overboard, you should consider calling the cops and getting a restraining order.
1) Change your phone number.
2) Block him on email so that you don't receive his emails anymore.
3) Call the cops if he keeps knocking on your door to catch him in the act.
This sounds extremely controlling and boarderline abusive. I can't even imagine what he would do if he actually did get through to you.
Iwish, what do you expect? What would be in the worst scenario? Thanks.Quote:
This sounds extremely controlling and boarderline abusive. I can't even imagine what he would do if he actually did get through to you.
I would say, physical abuse. But let's not find out or give him the chance. The first step is to continue to ignore him until he gets the hint. Hopefully he goes away naturally.Quote:
Originally Posted by confusedrebecca
I still suggest you change phone numbers and block him from your email, regardless.
If his behavior persists, then we'll have to take action and involve the police.
You have done so well to protect your heart, but you must also protect your mind, body and soul. You are just finding out about his dark side, so don't assume he is harmless, and will just go away.
To add to what IWish has said, you must tell all who know, you that your single, and make those close to you aware of his actions. That is to protect you, and keep him away from you, because honestly, as he manipulated you into a bad position for his own game, he will not hesitate to do it to others, and blame you.
I am not trying to scare you at all, just caution you to be wise in taking care of yourself. No one knows how far an abuser will go, but I do know they can go over the top, to get what they want, so be alert, and aware, and don't take your safety for granted. Better safe, than sorry, so don't hesitate to call your family, AND the police, if he persists. One of the leading causes of violence to females, are from known males who didn't want to let go.
Just a word to the wise.
From what you ve only so recently learned about him you ve come to realise that he was not at all the man you thought he was.
This means that you should be careful and make sure you re safe.
From your posts it appears he looked upon you as a trophy which is not a good sign.
Rebecca,
It seems our stories continue to be similar. As I mentioned to you, my ex hounded me for weeks. I just thought I'd tell you some of the things I did to protect myself.
1. I had an escort to and from my car at work. It was one of the places he knew he could approach me, and he did.
2. I wrote him an e-mail telling him I wanted no contact, and spelled out explicitly what that meant.
3. I didn't block his e-mails, phone calls, etc. because I wanted to know what he was thinking, but I didn't respond to any of them in any way.
4. When he continued to harrass me, I had my attorney write him a letter telling him the next step was a restraining order. I did that so he was warned and I had proof of that.
5. I kept all the letters, emails, phone and text messages, cards, etc. as proof should I need it.
At least for now, you might want to consider changing your normal routines - e.g. shop at different stores, eat at different restaurants, etc. Keep your eyes open. Good luck.
I wish, Tala, just looking and all,Quote:
One of the leading causes of violence to females, are from known males who didn't want to let go.
Thanks for your advanced & proactive concern and advice.
It seems it is getting worse, and I am getting bitter taste. Is his visit to my door (?) seem too off? It is only the 1st week of breakup. I think we were over, have refused any means of contact, and he must be frustrated. He obviously think he still has a second chance, and he is trying hard now. I guess you are seeing me at risk by his obsession. My question is if he was so obsessed, why did he even start the game?
I guess what you guys are saying is, he might try forcefully to talk to me, grab me, contact me physically, or enter my place somehow. Right? I will keep it in my mind to proactively protect me. Be honest, sigh, if I encounter him in front of my apartment or work against my will, it will not be pleasant anymore, or even worse, I will feel somewhat frightened. Sigh... What a dramatic change even less than in a week... He was suppose to be my life time partner.
I will do my best to be alert. Thank you for your kind advice. However, I do not foresee any possibility of physical abuse. I know he is obsessed, frustrated and desperate. He played his game, but does not want to loose me easily at this moment. I am seeing his visit as annoying & useless, but not threatening at this point. Ironically, he is a professional in legal field by himself, well educated and far from stupid, and he should know his limit. I guess he will visit my door for a while as daily routine to check out on me. But he has to get the message, and give in eventually. I do not foresee our case as domestic violence. It is way too low & ugly.
He is keep saying that he does not understand why he cannot talk to me anymore. What an idiot. He does not know why? He seems he is losing his control over desperation. It seems he is not able to concentrate on work either just like me.
I like to assure you guys I know how to take care of myself. Physical abuse will not happen. Thanks a lot. You guys are wonderful, and really care about me.
Rebecca,
I totally understand how you feel. My ex was a criminal defense attorney with an Ivy League education. I didn't want to have a restraining order issued because I didn't want to affect his career, but I was concerned. That was why I had my attorney give him proper notice. I was also able to arrange to be out of town for several weeks for work, which helped me to feel safer. I wonder if you could even get away this weekend so you could get some proper sleep and fight off that flu feeling.
What we are saying is to be careful and protect yourself. He may not do anything, but you just don't know for sure. A month before I broke up, I thought my ex was the greatest guy ever. Now I know he has a dark side.
Oh, my goodness... my hart is pounding... what was his dak side?Quote:
Originally Posted by Just Looking
Was he obssesed and physically abused you?
I'm not trying to scare you, but just want you to take this seriously.Quote:
Originally Posted by confusedrebecca
I didn't give him a chance. I was lucky enough to live in a gated community so he couldn't knock on my door. I had the escort at work. I changed my habits as I suggested to you. I went out of town on business for a few weeks. He was doing what your ex is doing - constant phone calls, emails, text messages, sending flowers and cards, showing up to try and talk to me, and all of this after I explicitly told him not to contact me. The reason I broke up with him is that I found out he had not been honest about his sexual desires, and they turned out to be very extreme. When he leveled with me, I broke up with him. Given that and his obsessive behaviors, I was concerned. Don't be scared, just be aware and protect yourself. I think my situation is extreme, but I never would have guessed it would go this way. You just want to be aware.
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