Originally Posted by
Nestorian
Curious guy aren't ya? :p Thats ok, me too.
Yes we have to be a little "selfish" is guess the word would be, so we don't loose our selves.
Well, it was really a mixture of her money and mine for the $15,000 but I made 4000 a month, she made 1600. Most of that all went to bills, but what ever we had we saved for the trip. She kept buying cloths and stuff for the trip, and spending money saying it was her's to spend, so i do feel kind of bitter about it. I probably put 9-10 grand in and she the rest. But I'm trying to let that go, as I did make that choice on my own.
Yeah, i just started playing guitar, i love it. At the moment, my heart belongs to me. Or at least thats what im trying to do.
Right now, I"m unemployed, on disability for a mental illness, bipolar. So i'm kinda messed up, or was. Hard to explain. When i was younger, since i was born, my family was unstable and every one was always fighting. Really messed me up. Any who, as i grew I developed a fear of failure. Like no one else has that eh? well my fear maybe differnt for the reasoning behind it. I feared not being perfect, because if i was not perfect i was not Lovable, so unless i could do it right the first time, i'd quit out of fear. So as I grew i was always judging my self very harshly, and pretty much i stopped living life, except the most necissarry. Like school, or getting things for people, being out of sight, quiet, and on my own a lot.
Enter my teen years, I was a very shy timid guy, quiet for the most part, and helped people any way i could. I figured if i pleased others, i was perfect, and was told i was many times, but that is not the truth. Any way, I started getting odd feelings. Sad, depressed, empty feelings, with agressive, angery/ happy, anxiative, excited feelings. This was my bipolar, but the docs all said I was just depressed. Ten years later, after constantly talking to those kinds of profetionals, i am told i'm bipolar. So i have to quit school, i was failing any way, and Teakwondo/ M.M.A., and volunteering. I have bin testing and trying meds/ and combination's of meds, till now I"m better!! No not really, now i've come to realise the reason i was always so sad, was do to my be perfect complex. It's very damaging. The hardest part is, i didnt' learn a lot of things that i should have. My brain is wired to believe in failure, and such. I've not learned alot of things that are needed to progress in life, so i have to try and learn them before I"m forced to go back to work, as the ecconomy is not good, and jobs are few and far between. The jobs that are available are that of graduated university students.
I live with my sister, recovering alcoholic, who finnished schooling for a entry level resident care aid, but now she can't find work. So I paid rent, but I don't know if we'll have the money for next month, and if we don't we'll be living on the street. Yeah, things look pretty grim.
No, i have not girl friend. As for the other girls. I love them still and talk to tehem now and again. But the first one, she tells me she misses me every few weeks. She isn't happy with her BF i guess, and she wants to see me. The second was a friend that I hung out with for about a month, then it just felt wierd, we still say hi upon passing but not really talk so much. Then the next She is well, a wild girl now. I worry about her, as she drinks and drives and drinks often and does a lot of dangerous things. I hung out with her for about a month before we kissed, but we were just friends with benafits, then a few weeks later it got wierd. So we just went to being freinds. Then a girl i had known for 6 months and hung out with quite often well...
She was having relationship issuses, and I was there for her, time and time again. Then after me and the last girl stopped being so close. haha, sorry.:rolleyes: Any who, she and i got closer, and she told me of her BF cheating on her. I must have siad something right because we became freinds with benafits. She knew about my past too, helped me thoguht some of the more lame parts. She and I were very much a like. We both loved kids and we liked reading(though i was very slow.) and video games, etc. She was very hot, at least in my eyes, and a lot of other's too...?? Any who, we just got "close", and her BF and her fought, and I was the one she called. Well, I ended up spending the night. So now i'm just as bad as the guy my ex left me for, if not worse. To be fair, i actually showed my ex that i loved her, and never cheated on her. I'm a one women man. Well, the BF came back the next day, she and I in thier bed... Well he grabbed his stuff, while she was passed out. He little 15-16 year old sister and her had got a little tipsy the night before, hence my being there to take care of them, any way nothing happend he left. well, she and I did our toghter with benafits thing for about a month or 2. We got on great, worked together like you wouldn't believe. I've never felt so respected, loved, and well with some one. She was not mine to be with though. The last two weeks i stayed every night with her. Her BF, Ex at the time, and her were kind of getting back together. I knew she was not mine, but that didn't stop her form showing me how much she loved me in return. She was the most amasing women I had the privliage to be close with. any who, she and him were going off for a jsut "friendly" hang out date, and said she'd be back around 12am. So i waited for her, she didnt ' show i waited an hour longer, she didn't show, i got worried called the hospital police station, but no word. I had to assume she was with him at his place, and she was ok... She was, cam home to her place about 2pm. I told her what i had done, she realised she could have at the very least called me. Then i asked if i should leave she said, "no". I stayed the next few days and it was clear then that it was time to move on. And i did. I felt crushed, but at the same time, fine. She and I we had a lot of fun, and very compatable, but i wasn't the man she loved that way at least. So i let go. I wanted her to be happy.
Then she told me a bit later, "I'm prego." :eek: :rolleyes:Figures, the very things I swore I would never do, and I did them. Life is ironic, and humbling. Interfear in anothers relationship, and have a baby that i dont' know weather or not I'm the father. Well, they are still together, have the baby, I've seen it once... None of us can afford the money to find out who's the father. Little Ali, 6Lbs and 7ounces, blue eyes. Cute little one either way. I'm in no position to argue anything so i have left it as is.
So yeah, thats where I am, and how i am, and what happend with the girls, and my story. I've dedicated a lot of my time and energy to philisophical endevours, and learning about life.
I like the wisedom of the Buddha, teachings of master Yoda, honor of the Heros of SOLIDER: Sephiroth, Angeal, Zack, Cloud (embrace your dreams, protect your honor.) I've also my own ideas, and such. I love psychology, philosophy, science in general, reading, learning, Tolkin Characters as in elvish writing style, and so on. My guitar of course.
I think the important thing is you remember that the world is bigger than we are, so even if things get messed up here, there are so many places we can move to and start a different life, even with in our own citys.
