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That's the thing we haven't been dating that long - 3 months. But the connection and chemistry has been lining up great, until now, this he's stressed out/ I'm feeling a distance thing. So I don't totally know how to go about it because I'm not the GF yet, but I want to show I have those qualities in times like these so it's hard!
I don't think 3 months is too short of a time frame to do small gestures to cheer or support someone during a tough time... It doesn't take anything grand just a simple text message or email that says: Hope things are getting better! I'm here if you want to do something to get your mind off things... "
I wouldn't consider that being needy as long as you're making it about him and not giving the impression of --when are you going to spend time with me!--
But Do try to give him space if that's what he needs/asks for and when he's ready he'll come around. Things will settle down, Hang in there!
What would you do if he were only your friend and not a love interest?
Just curious as you seem to want to hurry things along, but do you have other things you enjoy doing? Its way to early to have a lot of concerns right now, and my worry is your to deeply invested, and he may not be. Relationships take patients and maybe your seeing things you need to pay attention to and evaluate. Regardless, I feel the first 6 months should be fun, while you get to know each other better. You make it sound like your moving ahead to fast, and expecting too much. Slow down, relax, and stop these high expectations. You could be getting a bit carried away for nothing. Does that make sense?
Story of a Guy and Girl sitting in Silence - by JB
Girl is thinking: "I wonder why he's not talking. What could the problem be? Did I do something wrong? He's not happy! Oh no, what should I do? I'm going to be alone! Oh my god, oh my god, OH MY GOD!!!!!"
Guy is thinking: "Ah, this is the life, alone with a hot chick who smells great. Hey, my socks don't match!"
Moral of the story: Backrubs. Silent backrubs. (and change your socks)
LOL, Great post JB.
Thanks for that line - I think I will text that.you're right talan maybe I am getting too invested? I guess sometimes its hard not to when you start to fall for a guy and in my last relationship things were more solidified by now. It's also hard because he has been the one to openly express his feelings, and all of a sudden he has stopped expressing little things like you make me happy etc. So all that gets to my head in a negative way! But my gut tells me that things will be okay and he stressed so maybe I should stop overanalyzing. And of course I have other interests. I am usually always out and about doing something.
Then I would worry too much, just let it flow naturally, and enjoy the ride.
Thanks all. I sent him a little text message today saying hope you are doing better, and I'm here when you want to do something to take your mind off it, have a good day. I figured it was a sincere gesture, and now he knows I'm in no rush to hang out and to take his time.
As a man who has behaved this way, sometimes talking about a stressful issue with a woman may not make us feel better right away. Sometimes to even discuss the issue with a man prematurely (before he's ready) may even make him angry. A man is a "do-er" and to have a woman trying to "solve" your problems may make you angry. Of course we know that its not even like this, and that the woman is really trying to help us. But a man may want to feel secure with a grip on his situation before receiving outside help. Speaking for myself though, when given enough personal time and distance, I come around to my partner anyway, knowing that a woman can truly help you. Just be patient.
I'm back. So yeah, for those of you who followed my posts, my guy of 3 months that I have been dating has been very distant this past week or so. The last time we hung out was last Tuesday, he went 4 days w/ out speaking to me on the weekend or seeing me, and as hard as it was I held in there and did not contact him to give him his space (Thursday - Sunday). So sure enough Monday night he called me. Very brief message like usuall and said to call him back, I called him back the next day after work and while I know maybe I should have waited 2 days, I called him. Whatever. But get this he didn't call me back! I'm starting to think instead of him being stressed out (money issues,family stuff) , that maybe he is hinting to me without saying it that he doesn't want to date anymore? It just hurts to think of that because everything up to this point has been going GREAT, and he has been the one to initiate his feelings, etc. So guys, what is his deal - seriously? I just feel like I want him to communicate with me - whatever it is that is going on. If I don't hear from him should I call him in a couple days just to see what's up? I am very independent and have been doing my own thing, but come one now what's his deal! I guess I thought because we hadn't talked in awhile that he would have jumped at the chance to call me back and talk, like usual.
Quote:
Originally Posted by brkfstatiffs
p.s. for the record, I have a lot of friends etc I confide in, its just nice to vent to people who are across the world and country and get your reactions!
So the guy I have been seeing has been distant for personal matters. Here how it has played out. He has been distant the past two weeks, because he has a lot on his plate. We hung out a week ago, and I could just see in him that he was really stressed, so we ended the night early. I knew I had to give him some space, as he indiscretely asked for it. He texted me he was just going through some sh_t right now and I told him I'm here when he wants to do something to take his mind off it. 5 days went by with no communication. It was hard for me, but I didn't want to be that needy girl, so I gave him space and did my own thing. Monday night rolls around after not hearing from him and he calls. I call him back the next day. Then 2 days went by and he didn't return my call! I was upset, because I felt like it was a double hit to me, and shouldn't he be excited to talk to me? I started to realize maybe its his way of letting me down easily, but my gut kept telling me to give the situation the benfit of the doubt. Keep in mind before all this, he has been awesome at calling when he says etc, everything was great. So today I get a text from him mid day, saying that he just wants to let me know he has been at home dealing w/ family stuff, and on top of that his phone has been screwed up. So I texted him back no worries, I understand I know how fam stuff can be, and that I'm here for him if he wants to talk.
I wanted to text him that so he doesn't think he will have to have a bitter conversation with me about why he has been distant etc. (even though I've totally been taking it personally) I wanted to play it cool. Do you guys think I did the right thing? Still kind of annoyed he hasn't called but I triust what he is saying, and I guess I figure when we do hang out again we can work on talking about the communicating part. What do you think?
At this point, with what you know, you are fine and doing the right thing.
Unfortunately that means not knowing what's going on.
I tend to, like many guys, think I can take care of things without help. Bear the weight of the world on my shoulders and deal with the noise of life.
As much as I like helping people, I don't like asking for help.
This means you are in an uncertain place. You can tell him you will be there for him. You can be patient. But you also need to be there for you. At some point... and nobody here can tell you when... you need to back way, way off if he is too consumed by his life.
You cannot save someone. And I've loved women I couldn't be with due to bad timing.
You know nothing at this point other than he is distracted.
Knowing what I know now, and having been in your place before... id tell him you are there for him as a friend, and you are willing to step back to give him some room... but at some point you will need to have the resolve to step forward if he isn't willing to engage.
Life happens and gets in the way sometimes. And sometimes its worth the wait to see how things play out.
If things don't change in the next couple of months... id rethink my commitment to him.
Thanks for your response. I agree with it. I guess I just keep thinking to myself it would be nice if he would reach out and ask me how I'M DOING? I know he has a lot on his plate, but there are 24 hours in a day... even if he is having phone problems. I'm holding out as best as I can, but when he does come back into town, if he is still interested in dating me, he better do some kissin up! I can't date someone who just drops off the face of the f_ckin planet every time there is a personal issue. This one is his freebie wild card since we haven't been exclusive yet... although I thought it was going there! It just makes me feel like he doesn't even think about me at all. Like a simple text "thinkin about u" would be nice. You know? Urgh men.
=)
I did something similar when dating my wife. We were at the "are we or arent we" dating stage... meaning we were, but id planned on leaving town after a different crash and burn relationship and wasn't about to change my plans for another person... so things were really mixed up.
She was going to have thankgiving dinner at her fathers with her brother and the family, I was going out of town to see cousins. So I disappeared and didn't call over the weekend. Just got wrapped up in the moment. Didn't intentionally mean to tick off an italian woman with a temper. But I did. And in hindsight, I was an idiot... even if it wasn't premeditated idiocy.
Man... did she ever have angry fire in her eyes the next time she saw me.
Anyway... eventually I removed my head from a dark place.
Sounds like you have your head about you. You decide what you need from another person and what noise you are willing to put up with... and usually there is some noise... what fights are worth picking and what things can fall to the side.
Haha well I guess it just goes to show in your case, things were worth the wait :-)
I have been playing it very cool with him this whole time, even though of course it's making me a little mad inside! So if you don't mind answering this one - how would you suggest I go about bringing this up ? I guess I have to wait until we talk about where we are and aren't and so forth and I will let him know I need a man who can communicate! He has told me before, he has problems opening up sometimes about personal issues/stress etc. I guess I just don't want to screw things up because I was starting to really like him, liked where it was going and then all of this, and of course right before the 4th of July holiday, but hey I have plans already w/ my girlfriends. Do you think any of this is his way of letting me down easily? I'm not sitting around all day wondering that, but I am curious but Somehow my gut keeps on telling me that's not the case.
Man, it's easy to vent on here... sorry :-)
Don't be sorry about venting here.
Uhm... I can't get in his head... could he be breaking up by letting it drift off? Well, sure. He could. And he could also be just flat out preoccupied with his little world and clueless. And I don't know the nature of what he is going through.
I honestly think, as much as its driving you mad, in a case like this its better to sit back and see what he does. That doesn't mean sit around and wait. I'm really glad you made the plans for the fourth... if he's shocked and upset just keep your cool and let him know he needs to talk to you sooner if he wants your time.
Even if you find time to see each other, id probably hold back a little, at least at first... not because you will "ruin" anything, because if talking about it ruins it... it wasn't right in the first place... id hold back a little just to see what he does. How he acts and approaches you.
You can get anybody to say about anything when you've got them pinned to the floor with your heel on their throat (theoretically speaking) but what does he give up or offer when he has the change without threats?
And like I said... I get a little of what he might be going through... by the time I ask for help I'm often waist deep... so while I can communicate pretty well and talk about a lot of things, I still internalize first... at least as a reflex.
You could always see what he brings to you the next time you meet... and if, given the time, he doesn't address the things you want to talk about... then you can bring it up. Even something like "you know i like you and i know you are going through a lot of noise... but if you can't talk to me and connect with me, im not going to wait around until you have a use for me. theres always noise around us. when its loud is when you draw friends toward you, not when you push them away."
Or there's always the heel to throat thing.
I don't know. I wasn't aware my wife was that mad until I saw her... he could be as clueless as I was/am/could be.
This is great.
There was a comedian I saw a clip of who talked about men and women and how their brains worked.Quote:
Originally Posted by JBeaucaire
He claimed women had an ability to connect anything and everything... like "he sure is spending a lot of time on the ps3 lately... i wonder if hes avoiding me... ill bet that hes still ticked about missing the game to go to my parents house... he didnt talk much at the table that night... i wonder if hes going to break up with me... theres that new girl at work he keeps talking about... the slut! the jerk!"... I know extreme, but you get the point.
And then men store their thoughts in boxes that are closed tight and never touch. No connections to other boxes. You go to the playstation box to think about video games, not to avoid a discussion about the relationship... and the mans favorite box? The one with NOTHING in it. He can sit and look in that box and be completely content and happy for hours on end.
There's some truth to that, at least on the guy side, in my opinion.
Anyone here watches DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES? Notice Teri Hatcher (Susan) and James Denton (Mike) there. When Mike is quiet or less responsive, Susan freaks out and beat him to death to talk whats wrong when there's nothing really.
Doncha hate it fellows, when they want you to talk, and your mind is blank?
"talk about what?"
"How you feel"
"Hungry"
Wham!!
"I'm still hungry"
Well I don't think I'm at throat level yet lol. Thanks for your tips... hopefully he is just CLUELESS! Still totally annoyed he can't even write a simple text message that he's thinking about me, how am I doing etc, but I guess sometimes you learn about people. It just hurts after a couple months of building a genuine connection up, for someone to go so m.i.a. and not even really realize it. It's all starting to make me loose interest.
I think that you need to ask him straight up, what's the deal. If he says he still wants to be with you be honest and tell him that you don't feel like that is what he is cummunicating with his actions. And if he says he doesn't then obviously you saved yourself a lot of time that would have been wasted wondering
I know how you feel, I'm kind of in the same boat, was in a relationship for a year and a half.It was all fine then whack out of nowhere she starts being dead distant, then tells me she's mega stressed at work and isn't got time for a boyfriend, so I decide to do the right thing as I love her, so I finish her and tell her we'll still be friends cause that's what she needs, she says no we'll have a break, so that's how it is we're on a break.she phones me everyday, but never texts me back(which I find really annonying) an we still meet up on fridays... well until I stupidly tell her that my ex has been txting... which didn't go down to well. An is going clubbing on Friday instead.But I still think at times we'll be fine so I hang around.Sorry for the long rant but I guess I'm trying to say.. If you feel like the guy is worth it, then give him the time and space.. if it works out then you'll be glad you waited.. if it doesn't work out then at least you can say you tried and he's the fooker for messing with your head an emotions.. and you'll come out the better person.
Okay, some of you may have already read my previous posts. But I need some opinions!
Long story short, I was dating this great guy for 3 months, and we were quickly moving into what I thought was soon going to be something more serious, or at least it felt like it, we acted like a couple, communicated like a couple, etc. About 2-3 weeks ago, he went home to deal with some family issues, and day by day I stopped hearing from him. Or I would reach out to see how he was doing and it took him 3 days to get back to me, but then he stopped asking how I was etc. It just didn't feel right, and I'm not naïve. Long story short, I told him I wanted to talk and that I felt like I was lead on etc and I just wanted to know what was up, and he said we would talk the next day, well the next day came and he never called. (This was over a week ago). His actions seriously came out of nowhere, and never in a million years would I have thought he would be the type to cut someone out cold turkey.
Now, I know most of you will write move on he's not worth it, I know that myself - in most cases. BUT, looking on the brigher side, we never really took space a part, and because of it - I feel like I want to reach out to him and see if he is interested in talking and getting back on the same page. As in sometimes S-H-I-T happens in life, and it can sometimes makes things stronger. In most cases I would never even think about reaching out to a guy after he has dissed me, but I have been out on a few dates etc, and it really just re-iterated to me that I want him to be a part of my life on a friend level to say the least. You know how you just have a bond with someone, and you feel like you are meant to know them?Like maybe this whole thing has been a miscommunication? (okay that's really my optimism talking now).
So what do you guys think? Men? Would it be okay for me to very platonically write him an email (or call?).. I know he should be the one reaching out, but I think he probably knows he has messed up big time, and probably thinks I never want to talk to him again. When really I miss him a little, and if ANYTHING, feel like I would much rather things end on a cooler level then to never talk to each other again.
Help!
I would consider writing him and email, more to get closure for yourself than to rekindle anything. Who knows what is going in his life, but it does seem like he's disinterested. Maybe.
Some people may disagree with this, but for your own sake write the email. Say what you want to say (but don't accuse) in terms of your feelings, that you miss him, that you don't know what happened because you were enjoying the relationship. Be honest (but not crazy). That way you'll know that you made yourself clear to him, and at that point its his turn to respond in whatever way he chooses. He may not respond at all, which kind of makes him an a**hole and then you know you deserve better than that, or he may respond and open up to what is actually going on. Be prepared, he may not write back what you want to hear, but who knows.
Thanks maria. I've decided I am going to write an email, just for my own piece of mind. I'm not going to sound needy but I will be honest and let him know I was enjoying where things were going and I want to know for my own understanding what happened? Nothing wrong with that. And that's how I see it too - if he doesn't have the decency to write me back or the courtesy, then I will be SO GLAD I found out he is a major asswhole now instead of a year into it etc when I'm sure my feelings would have been a lot deeper.
I just want to say to the men in the world, I don't think us women will ever fully understand what you mean when you tell us how much you want to be with us, love us, like us etc... make us feel on top of the world... then to end it suddenly with admitting that "You aren't emotionally or mentally capable of maintaining a healthy relationship right now, and it wouldn't be fair to either of us if you tried." What is up with that? I appreciate the honest answer, but women will never get that. We want to be there for you and work through your problems and support you. I would rather take things slow with a man who I felt a strong connection with then just end it because you aren't ready... well what about our side? I guess it just proves you aren't men enough.
Any thoughts or comments on this - feel free to leave below! Haha
I think it is just one of those break up speeches that guys think sound easier to the girl to let her down. Sort of like the one girls use to use ''It's not you; it's me"
Still isn't fair though. I would rather hear the brutal truth. I don't want to be with you because you...
I agree with NOhelp. It is just a line. Not a good one, but the best that the guy can do at the time.
Lol You women are just as bad missy.
The hole "Break" angle seems to be the favourite for the Women.
Least when he tells you what he has it's over(I'm not taking away from the hurt).
But hanging around for weeks/Months on false hopes, Only to get the I've met someone else speech.It's just plain Evil!
Don't be sexist. Females also make excuses for breaking up.
I would agree with hjpan mentioned above. Women are just as guilty as men here. Also, the truth really hurts. I know people always say just giveit straight but I'm not sure all of them can handle that. If someone leaves you they leave you, do you really need to know why? Obviously the reasons are not going to be great so why go looking for trouble or negativety. Just my take.
Quote:
Originally Posted by BMI
Good example: MY EX.
Yeah so I am getting over the guy who broke my heart a couple weeks ago. Things ended on such an odd note - over email, never would have thought that's how it would have went down with someone who I seriously thought could have been my sou-lmate. But I keep looking back and thinking maybe getting words out on email is better, because in person I know I would have yelled or cried and it would have got messy. I can't help to think though - do guys miss a girl when they break up or move on? We both decided we want to be a part of each others lives in some form, friends etc... but he has made no effort to reach out platonically or anything. I'm a strong girl, but naturally I wonder if guys miss their girls after they "break up?" because I sure as hell think about him from time to time and miss him... not even so much in a I want to re-kindle kind of way, but just doing stupid things like watching TV together.
Do you think he will come crawling back? Does he miss me? Or do guys just emotionally get over it right away? Our feelings were pretty intense. We broke up because he had a lot going on his life, etc and he felt he couldn't handle a "relationship" right now. Of course I offered to take it slow etc, but it didn't phase him like I wanted it too. I guess after watching a ton of sex and the city I want him to come crawling back...
I see it like this if he missed you you'd know about it.. guys don't tend to play games and I for one am pretty crap at hiding my emotions.Quote:
Originally Posted by brkfstatiffs
He's the one who broke up with you, that means you are a crowd to him so most likely he doesn't miss you AT ALL.
MR. BIG is a fictional character but you are in real life. He will not crawl back so move on.
He broke up with you in an EMAIL! Get over him, seriously! That's not mature at all! He should have had enough respect for you to tell you eye to eye. Why do men think its OK to do this to women... Or who ever to who ever.
My 4 year ex broke up with me over the PHONE! That's not respect at all.
Some men doesn't like the feeling of breaking up in person specially when they see "THE FACE" followed by the line "BUT WHY..????".
Just don't waste your time thinking what he thinks or do in future. You won't get an answer whatever you do besides there's no point and no need.
So the guy who I thought could have been my soulmate ( or I should say that's the closest I've ever felt to it), broke up with me a month ago. We haven't spoken since, we ended on a note of him saying that he definitely sees us going down the path of having some sort of relationship. In my head that meant friends, and I was content with that since he was breaking it off doing to him having too much on his plate, moving back home possibly etc. So it is what it is, and I have come to be over it dating wise, but I REALLY would like to stay cool with him and be friends or something. He hasn't contacted me and I haven't contacted him in a month. I'm 27 years old, and I know there are a lot of fish in the sea. But he is one fish who I connected with so well, and it ended on a very honest level that I feel like I want to contact him or even send a little text saying "hey there, how's life." IS THAT SO WRONG TO BE THE BIGGER PERSON AND TRY TO SAY HELLO? He runs through my headspace often. I guess a part of me wonders if I run through his... in any way.
What can it possibly hurt... text first... if no reply.. wait a few days then do it again. If still no reply... then maybe rethink it.
Good luck
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