You are so right Talaniman, working together is both an opportunity and an obstacle. Up until now I had only saw it as an obstacle.
It hurts to see him every day, we work quite closely together, but thankfully not in the same physical office.
My cousin tells me to always be charming and to look great, which is probably a good thing.
With everything going on at work, combined with the break up I slipped into heavy depression and wasn't taking care of myself or my appearance. I was in tears every day, and generally dark on the world.
It was during this time that I contacted him every day. His last text message before we had lunch, the good lunch, has made me think that I wasn't being fair on him, and doing as he said "driving him away".
His last message was "Please for once, think about me. I cannot talk to you anymore. I have been taking your calls for weeks only to hear crying, emotional blackmailing, attempted suicide, endless repeating of the same thing, nothing every good or positive. I am SOOO tired and weak. Please dont call me".
Since our lunch I haven't contacted him and its so darn hard. Its only been 3.5 days and its killing me.
The funny thing is mostly I feel in control and am focusing on me. It is just that he was such a big part of my life that I can't forget and I am so hurt over the way things ended.
It doesn't help that I he told me that he only initially got together with his current girl "because he was so lonely", or that he never really considered what he wanted because I kept hounding him, and that the one thing he wanted was time and space, he never really got.
Last time I gave him time and space he wrote me quite a nice email,
"Time and space is doing me good.
I loved you very much and was convinced you were the one.
Yes, there were mistakes from both sides. Things we could have done better/differently, circumstances that didn't help.
But that's all passed now, and it's time to move on."
The moving on bit Im trying to do - I guess I really just have my tail between my legs for acting like such a fool. He says that it was only because of the way I behaved AFTER we broke up that made him think he made the right decision. I wish so much someone had taken my phone off me, that I had found this site then, or that I had not been suffering from depression and acting so out of character. This is why I feel like such a silly silly girl - when normally Im quite confident, easy going and able to deal with pretty well anything. But the combined situtions of work, and losing the love of my life, really knocked me for six.
And now here I am trying so damn hard not to contact him whilst he is away - and instead Im writing here, as a means of distraction.
Im not proud of the way I behaved in the those first few weeks, and that is why I have been trying to focus on me (seeing a therapist has helped and continues to help) but its hard.
