He was not dumped by his ex - he left her and he cannot deal with the guilt. He does not want to be in a relationship with her and would never go back to her but the relationship break up is still fresh for him. He pursued this person for a long time - she always kept him hanging on a string and was always in control of the relationship - often ending it. He finally ended the relationship for good and left her. Yes, I accept he is confused but it was a conscious decision on his part to leave her. There was a child involved (not his own) - she is now punishing him by not letting him see the child who he brought up for 6 years. He feels a very big burden of guilt for leaving her - he told her he would be with her forever and this turned out not to be the case. He was not dumped by her.

Sorry, I misread that for some reason- not enough coffee in me yet. :)

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by lydia1961

Thank you very much for all your comments. I am beginning to see that he really needs to be on his own to sort out how he really feels. I think he feels guilty for leaving his Ex; they were a family and he left a 9 year old boy (not his own) and she will not let him have any contact although he brought him up for 6 years. He made a conscious decision - planned for 6 months - to leave the relationship because it was bad for him and all his family supported him and would never want him to go back. He does not want to go back even though he obviously did love her deeply (I think infatuated rather than love). He says he wants to be with me and loves me with all his heart - I am the best thing that has happened to him in a long time. Before we got together he was on his own for 7 months. OK, I know this is not a long time; but in that time he never tried to get back with her but he did have trouble dealing with his guilt and he does think about her a lot. Yes, he is mixed up but he wants to be with me and would not let me go easily.


further comments gratefully received.

---

Then it is up to you to do the right thing. Don't move in with him and tell him he needs healing time and being with you interferes with that. Then you back off, leave him alone.

Ok, it is up to me to be strong. But why is it that he wants to be with me and move in with me - it would hurt him if I ended the relationship. Surely making that comittment to me shows that he is ready to move on from the last relationship. He takes things very seriously and I feel he would not make promises to me if he did not mean them because he will then feel the guilt of that. Surely he is trying to move on and wants to make a comitment to me otherwise why do it. Why does he not just take time out??

Because he wants to be with someone, but sometimes what you want is not necessarily what you need.

Why would you want to put your heart on the line and move in with someone who says they love you but is not in love with you, but move in me and lets make whoopie! Why are you in such a hurry to be with this guy?
You are so concerned about him being hurt, think of your own heart!

Because he obviously not ready for a relationship, because he is not happy with himself as yet. But he doesn't know that and is driven to be happy by being in a relationship. Has nothing to do with you, as he has not learned yet from his past mistakes and is foolishly about to make another one. With you. Don't let him, or its you who will regret you didn't give him time to get over his past, before jumping into the future.

You already know all this, yet you still are afraid to protect yourself. Sad, but understandable, as this is really not your issue to deal with, but HIS, and you need to let him. For his good, and your emotional health. Tough decision, but that's what must be done.

The others have already given you great advice.

I just wanted to emphasize that your situation is exactly what we call a rebound. He's too used to having another person in his life to depend on, so you're inherited that position as his new dependent = rebound.

To be honest, when I read that the "L" word was already being thrown around, I thought that your ages would be younger, a lot younger.

What's the rush?

You two are 90 days into this match. Wait and see what happens.

If you enjoy his company, and he enjoys yours, then why rush into moving in, or even saying "I love you".

He said that he "loved you", but is not "in love". That in itself is quite unnecessary. If he felt the need to tell you that he loved you, then he should have left it at that.

Did you fish for the love word?

Or did he cast it out there on his own?

The bottom line is 3 months is 90 days.

Most jobs have a 90 day trial period. For a REASON.

He has baggage. Hell, he's a bellboy right now. Give it some time.

Good luck.

jmjoseph - very interested to read your response and so very very grateful for all of your helpful comments. Can I ask a question -many people go into relationships on the rebound - I too was, I guess, on the rebound. Yes we are older and should probably know better but when emotions get involved things become complicated - all good reason becomes blurred - very easy to give to others but doesn't quite make the same sense to you when you are involved. I am so grateful for all your good advice but why is rebound such a red flag - can't people move on by finding someone else to care for and have care about them. Yes, I agree the L word is said far too quickly but on the other hand some long lasting and good relationships have happened quickly - love at first sight etc. Lets not be too cynical.

jmjoseph - you said why was it necessary for him to tell me he loved me (no I was definitely not fishing for this) but not in love with me. I ask myself the same question and so have others - why would he feel the need to tell me that - it is like giving with one hand and taking with the other.

I think that is his way of saying he enjoys being with you, he feels comfortable with you, but he doesn't love you. He wants to play house with you, but he's not in love with you.
Rebounds are bad because more times than not the person is not over the one they left. They are carrying too much emotional baggage to be in a constructive relationship with anyone. They are either going to waffle back and forth or they are gong to project things that went wrong with the past relationship into the present one.
They are not going to give the present relationship their all because part of them is somewhere else.
You should go into a relationship a whole person or what happens is what you are going through now.

You two have not been together that long you don't really know each other, why are you wanting to jump into this so fast? And why are you even entertaining this?

It sounds to me like you are both confused and need time to allow your felings to either grow or dissipate. I know it's hard, because we all want things to be instant these days, but only time will tell.
GOOD LUCK.

3 months is not a long time... because he is not in love with you now doesn't mean that he will NEVER be in love with you... for some people it isn't like a light switch you can't just turn it on and off... for some it takes longer then others... he might be safeguarding his heart because he doesn't want to be hurt again... its up to you if you want to walk away but you can't fault him because you fell in love faster then he did... would you rather him lie to you and tell you he was in love with you when he really isn't?