[lydia1961]

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 months. He tells me he wants to be with me forever and wants us to move in together. He tells me he loves me and would do anything for me... but... he is not 'in love with me'. In his previous relationship he was madly in love with his ex but he always knew she did not love him as much as he loved her. He pursued her - she played hard to get. However, it was him that left the relationship and she will have nothing more to do with him which I think hurts him very much - she has cut him off dead and he cannot win her back - even though he does not want to win her back. He is now with me but giving me these confusing messages. I know he would feel very hurt and rejected if I ended it with him and he would pursue me. I am just not sure I can be in l ove with someone who is not in love with me - I don't want to hurt him but this is hurting me. The confusing thing is that he says he loves me very much and wants to be with me forever.

[jbarnes1985]

I think you need to give it some more time. 3 months is too short of a time to be sure you are in love with someone. Just slow down and see where it goes. If you still feel that he isn't in love with you, then you need to think about yourself first. You shouldn't be with someone who you don't feel they love.

Also how do you know he can't win her back unless he has tried? If he has then you don't need to worry about hurting him and walk away. That isn't something you need in your life.

It also seems that he may be in love and there is something else going on. He tells you he loves you and wants to be with you forever but you say he is giving confusing messages. What are these messages he is giving? And are you sure they are really what you think?

Just be sure before you make any dessicsions. Because if you no he would pursue you if you left then he is love with you.

[lydia1961]

Thank you very much for you answer. The confusing messages he is giving me is wanting to be with me for ever - feelings of jealousy he has over me - me knowing that he would pursue me as he has done before when I have tried to end the relationship because of what he has said to me about not being 'in love' with me. He says he does not want to lose me and he loves me and will do anything for me... but he says he is not 'in love' with me and I find it difficult to understand where he is coming from. He wants us to live together and says he could easily fall in love with me but he hasn't yet!! He still has his ex on his mind even though he left her and says he would never go back. She has cut him dead and wants nothing more to do with him. I don't think he can accept that he could not win her back. Yes he has tried but not very much as she just will not respond.

[talaniman]

You seem to be a rebound for Mr. Eager Beaver, and he just wants someone and says the words to get someone to love him. Poor guy, he is moving much to fast for himself, just to have someone, but it's a big red flag when a guy can jump from one female to another, and be in love forever.

You tell him sorry, but no thanks. Save yourself the trouble, and don't lead him on, and deal with his pursuit, with a VERY firm hand. I mean very firm, because he won't give up easily.

The longer you wait, the harder it will be on you.

[lydia1961]

Your comments are good - the reason he cannot get over his ex is because he does feel very deeply and he did want to be with her for ever - I think that is what he is searching for - he left her because she did not feel the same way for him and was quite cold towards him at times. He is still grieving that relationship and that does show me that he does have depth of feeling. Yes, he wants someone else and he wants to move on but he is finding it difficult. Maybe I am the rebound one but I don't doubt that he does have strong feelings for me. I don't think I am strong enough to say goodbye. He feels certain we will be good together and he wants to be with me. We are both 47 and therefore I think we both feel that time is moving on for us and we do both want to be in a good and secure and everlasting relationship.

[talaniman]

Making a decision based on fear of not finding someone, or getting older, is hardly a good one.

Maybe you have that same thing in common with him, but 3 months is not enough time to judge character and personality enough. I personally never date exclusively until after 6 months, just to be sure I know the person well, very well.

Rushing to make life changing decisions is not the way to go. Nor is becoming attached too soon.

From what you wrote, you have doubts about it and it would serve you well to think more, before you jump in and make things more complicated with this admittedly jealous fellow. Who knows what that will mean, later.

[lydia1961]

Hmmmm, still confused. More insight would be very very welcome. Thank you

[I wish]

Harshness warning

It sounds like he was extremely attached to his previous relationship and he misses that type of attachment, so he's latching on to the first available rebound, which is you. He was ready to settle down with his ex, so he's in that mindset. So when he's with you, he skips all the steps of building a strong relationship and jumps back into the mindset he had in his previous relationship. He's ready to move in with you, but he's not in love with you because it's still only been 3 months.

He wants that type of closeness with a girl, because he misses that, so you've become that girl. But it's difficult to fall in love with someone if you haven't known them for very long, so it's difficult for him to say he loves you.

[talaniman]

hmmmm, still confused. More insight would be very very welcome. thank you

Exactly what is confusing you?

[lydia1961]

What is confusing me? Should I walk away from this relationship?? Or give it more time?? He is being honest with me - maybe I am not being honest in saying I am in love with him - it has only been 3 months and perhaps I am being insincere. Is there such a thing as love at first sight - he says he felt that for me when he initially saw me - but he is not 'in love' with me but loves me and would do anything for me. I find that VERY confusing.

[lydia1961]

I understand and agree that it is difficult to say you are in love with someone when it has only been 3 months - but he says that he was immediately in love with his ex. I believe she made him pursue her and he mistakenly believed that was being in love with her. He did not enjoy living with her at all and planned leaving her for 6 months.

[I wish]

We have no idea what you should do. Only you know what's best for yourself. Do what you think is best. Trust your own instincts. Make sure you feel happy with your decision.

[talaniman]

I understand and agree that it is difficult to say you are in love with someone when it has only been 3 months - but he says that he was immediately in love with his ex. I believe she made him pursue her and he mistakenly believed that was being in love with her. He did not enjoy living with her at all and planned leaving her for 6 months.

I see the same thing happening to you. Sometimes we want to ignore the facts, and ignore the red flags telling us be careful, and ignore past, or recent behavior.

That would be a disaster, so be very, very careful, and see fact and not just feelings, and fear.

[Homegirl 50]

You are causing your own confusion because you are seeing something you want but know deep down it's not something you need. The confusion is your gut telling you to leave this guy alone and your mind telling you "but I want this"

You have known this guy 3 months. That is not enough time to know someone let alone move in with them.
Not to mention that you are a rebound. He misses his old relationship and will substitute it with you if you let him. That is not love, that is being needy.
Do not move in with him, you will be sorry if you do.

[anibagumyan]

I think that you need to sit down and talk to him. Ask him why he was in love with this girl. Maybe he was just attached and maybe this was his first, who knows. But I think that you need to make sure that he really wants to be with you, and he was to be ready to let this other person go, or he will be like this for a long time and you do not need this. He should even go to a therapist and he might be able to let her go by talking about it. I mean it sucks to be in your position because you think if he is thinking about this girl all the time, or what ever he does for you is the best, or if he did the same things to her.

[Ther4peuticH3at]

I think he needs time to himself. He hasn't healed from the last relationship and probably still has feelings for the ex. If she came back into his life, do you think he'd stay with you or leave for her? That's an honest question you should ask yourself (not him). Give him some time to be happy and content on his own, by himself. If at the end of it all, he still wants to be with you, it'll be up to you whether you think he's actually ready for a REAL relationship.

Don't try to force things. I don't think he'll be able to heal properly from his last break up while in a relationship with you.

[lydia1961]

Thank you very much for all your comments. I am beginning to see that he really needs to be on his own to sort out how he really feels. I think he feels guitly for leaving his Ex; they were a family and he left a 9 year old boy (not his own) and she will not let him have any contact althoug he brough him up for 6 years. He made a conscious decision - planned for 6 months - to leave the relationship because it was bad for him and all his family supported him and would never want him to go back. He does not want to go back even though he obviously did love her deeply (I think infatuated rather than love). He says he wants to be with me and loves me with all his heart - I am the best thing that has happened to him in a long time. Before we got together he was on his own for 7 months. OK, I know this is not a long time; but in that time he never tried to get back with her but he did have trouble dealing with his guilt and he does think about her a lot. Yes, he is mixed up but he wants to be with me and would not let me go easily.


Further comments gratefully received.

[talaniman]

I am just not sure I can be in love with someone who is not in love with me - I don't want to hurt him but this is hurting me.

Its amazing how you have gone from being hurt to defending him. Its almost like you were talking yourself into thinking he does love you.

Truth is, you only know what he tells you of himself, and little else, but we all put our best foot forward when we meet someone. He said he was the jealous type, so what will that mean down the road, as jealous people can be selfish, self absorbed, controlling, insecure, and manipulative, and very smothering and clingy.

Which one will he be? That's it, you don't know, but over time you will find out, just as his ex probably did. Do you think for a minute she was the one who was entirely at fault? I doubt it. Again, you only have his side of things and would do well to find out the truth of his true nature over time.

What's the hurry to leap into the unknown with a guy you know has a lot of baggage, and who's true nature has yet to be fully revealed to you?

[lydia1961]

Thank you again for your comments. There are warning signs for sure and no, I most definitely do not think his ex was the only one at fault. I feel that he is being manipulative and making me feel insecure and I believe he most probably did the same thing to her - his family would only see unreasonable behaviour from her but not what caused it. I am trying not to kid myself but on the other hand yes, he has baggage and yes he is not perfect - NOR AM I. I can be manipulative too, can't we all - it's just that he is better at it than me. Funny thing is there are lots and lots of good qualities about him and I feel as though I love him. Your comments are interesting and intelligent and thank you.

[Jake2008]

I see the problem as there are three people in this relationship, which is one too many.

He was dumped by his ex, and has not yet figured out why. At the very least he is a poor communicator, and has not stopped long enough to face the painful truth of reflection.

So what he does is carry all his thoughts and confusing emotions into the next relationship, unable to commit, because it would feel natural to assume that this will likely end up in the same place.

Him saying he loves you, but he is not 'in love' with you, is a safety net. He'll let you in only so far, in order to have his needs met, but not far enough to figure out where he's come from, and where he's going- with you.

Eveything is shadowed by his last relationship. She may as well be sitting on the couch talking you you- you'd likely get more information on what makes this guy tick.

The most important thing is that you are considering settling for second best. You deserve to be in first place! As long as his emotions are tied up in knots and the last breakup has not been worked through, he is not a free man.

If it were me, I would point out the obvious. This relationship is just not good for you.


I would end it, with the promise that if he attends counselling, and allows himself to deal with his immediate past, you will attempt a friendship with him first. The three months you've been together has done nothing to establish a relationship. That has to come in time.

For now, he's in a place that involves his ex, and she is still very much a part of his life.