It's your own decision here. I'm neutral on this one.
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It's your own decision here. I'm neutral on this one.
As usual, I will save your day AE. You are having a hard time with this and Tal's advice is not clicking in your head and Paxe is neutral. Since you obviously want to help her and you don't want to simply let go then this is what you will do.
You will contact two professional therapists tomorrow. Get enough information regarding cost, location and duration of each session. Upon completion, you will contact the girl and give her this information. Tell her she should go to church as well. As soon as she has this information, that is more than enough and you have done your part and you can never feel guilty. This is helping her a lot and also you get to leave her alone at the same time which is exactly what she needs because with you around, she may get confused and have mixed signals. Do this ASAP tomorrow and save both your life and hers and move on!
Tal makes valid points let them sink in-my take is still,tell her ,once,that she needs to seek help,then leave it alone.
You broke up with her for good reasons,and I advice you to look after yourself and not take it upon you to try to 'save' somebody else.
You can't save people who don't want to save themselves. If she hasn't taken the initiative to help herself yet, it is going to take something drastic to make her wake up.
Back up for a few days so you have room to think without her influence.
Married guys refer to this as "going fishing" and you could benefit from the time away from her. Be nice if you actually do fish.
Ok, you all do make sense. I cannot help someone who does not want to help themselves but I can offer them the support if they ask for it. We have free counseling available to all students here at my university.
I have to go over there tonight because I have left a belonging of mine there. When I go to pick it up, I will just let her know to take advantage of the services and if she needs any further help that I will be there to support her and help her find the help she needs (aka a therapist).
Thankfully I have a vacation coming up real soon so I will be able to clear my head from this whole mess that I have been involved for the past 3 months or so. Not only will I go "fishing", I will sail around the world.
I just need a break from this whole mess I put myself into.
The joy of vacation after an intense final session, oh gosh, "it's better than sex!!" (stewie griffin, family guy).Quote:
Originally Posted by A4Effort
Kidding aside, vacation will do you good. Relax, go do some sport, hang out with friends, and relax again without any worries.
You'd be amazed how much clearer everything seems after a holiday and some 'me-time'. Enjoy!
I am so glad everything is winding down. School is finishing up for the semester and all relationship problems are going away.
Today was a very introspective day. I was able to finally say to myself that I forgive my ex ex. I might not be a 100% over her but I am not angry at her anymore. Maybe what she did to me was not right in my mind but I should not be passing judgement.
Today is a fresh start. Time to learn how to deal with this single thing and get my life back on track.
Good job!
EVERYONE MUST LISTEN TO THIS SONG! 'Without You' By HINDER!! Listen to it NOW!
Gosh, school's finished? Everybody does have it lighter than me :(.Quote:
Originally Posted by A4Effort
No, school has not finished yet. I just said it was finishing up. We have one more week of exams to go and we will be done.
So, quick update. The break up has been very smooth. The other day I went to pick up my belonging that I left there and that was the last time we talked. I just told her that if she ever needs someone to talk to that I will be there for her. I did not want to talk any further since her roommates were all there.
Another funny thing happened too. I saw an old friend who is part of my original group of friends. We haven't seen each other ever since the break up from my first ex happened. She invited me to come hang out with her and couple other old friends at her place, which happens to be where my ex lives. I asked her if she was going to be home and my friend said she was out of town for the weekend. I was hesitant to go over there for several reasons but I really wanted to reconnect with the group.
I went over there and it felt just like old times. I had a really good time. Things have changed a lot in the group. Certain friends don't talk to each other anymore. Others have grown apart. New relationships have been formed, etc... It felt really weird being in the apartment itself because it brought back many memories of the ex. I ended up meeting this girl there and we just casually talked throughout the night. She ended up kissing me several times throughout the night. I was good though. I kept it at kissing only and did not go any further (not that I would ever do that unless I was in a relationship). Overall I had a great night. I hope I can continue reconnecting with my friends but that might not be possible since much of the time my ex will be there.
But I do have a confession to make. My gut still twists as I think about the first ex. She still makes me feel sad. The feelings are not as strong as they used to be and I deal with them very well but they are still there.
At my University we had the annual naked bike ride and I participated in it with a good friend. As her and I were running I saw my ex with a mutual friend of ours running next to each other. Talk about an awkward time. I just said hi and ran ahead. But either way, I am not over her and it bothers me.
Is reconnecting with my friends a good thing, even though it brings back memories of the ex?
Its been 3 months, at what stage should I be with my feelings?
How important are these friends to you? That's what you need to decide. As for memories of ex mark 1 don't they come and go regardless of who you're with or where you are?
There are no hard and fast rules when it comes to the length of healing period after a breakup; the more you focus on your own wellbeing the quicker you get there.
I really do not know how important they are to me. I would be perfectly fine without them but it is great to have a group of friends you can reconnect with. I know we cannot be friends like we used to be but it would be nice to see them once in a while. Tonight one of the girls is turning 21 so I am going with her and a few other people out to celebrate.
Then just play it by ear.
Enjoy your evening!
Which part was awkward? The running naked in front of the whole university or seeing your ex? Please tell me it's the running naked :eek:!Quote:
Originally Posted by A4Effort
Everything changes in life, some slower than others. The whole key is the adjustments you make to those changes.
People, places, and things will always stir past feelings, just as new memories will replace the old ones. Its normal as we learn, and grow through life.
Heck, I have one ex, or another, still haunting me from time to time, but who really has the time to really think about the why's and if's that the mind brings forward? I sure don't, just too busy, even now, years (decades) later.
Don't be so caught up in thoughts and feelings from the past, recent or not, because there is always something to do right here and right now.
Nope, actually it was seeing her. :DQuote:
Originally Posted by paxe
It is so strange. I meet many girls/women everyday. Whether it be meeting the in class, at a party, through friends, at work, etc... But no matter who I meet, talk to, hang out with, date, etc... I still think that my ex had these great qualities. Now, I am not even putting her on a pedistole. I am thinking very rationally.Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
She has great self-esteem, confidence, and integrity. She is very intellectual, can carry on a conversation, and works hard for her grades. Physically she was beautiful in every way. She is thin but not weak. She has a flat stomach but still has curves. Beautiful hair and gorgeous eyes. She is very adventurous and always was up for trying new things. She loves the arts and being outdoors. She even knows how to cook, is crafty, and very thoughtful. I know she will be a great mother one day and will have a successful career. I could go on and on for pages.
Now before I get berated, I just want to say that there are no emotions behind what I said above. This is purely thinking rationally. My chances of finding another girl with these qualities are almost slim to none I feel. I feel this way because I have met many girls who lack so many of those above qualities. Those qualities matter to me a lot. I do not look for all of them but there are some do I do look for. This is why I am having trouble moving on. I believe that I will not find another girl with those qualities. Once again I am not painting my ex as a perfect woman but I am strictly highlighting the qualities that stood out in her and how I feel not many women have all of those qualities.
This is just a rant though. I do not feel sad, emotional, etc... I am just processing this random information and thought I would write it down to help with my process.
You ran naked in front of people? Like they saw your penis? And your ex was running naked as well? Is this real?
This is one of the reason why you jumped into a new relationship: your insecurity. These qualities can be found in a lot of girls and trust you ARE putting her on a pedestal.
I suggest you put the emphasis on you instead of her. Use the attention you are getting to get your confidence up.
Yes please do explain it to us.Quote:
Originally Posted by emopunk7
Yes, here at my University we have the naked bike ride/run the night before the exams. The police create a track using baricades that runs through the campus. All students come to watch and roughly 100 people or so do it during the winter and 500 or so during the spring semester. People did see my junk. Yes, my ex was running naked as well and yes this is real. Its an amazing time and it definitely is a confidence builder. This is my second time doing it. My first time I ran with my ex ex.Quote:
Originally Posted by emopunk7
Hmm... so the girls you date don't mind being naked and showing off their body to everyone... this is strange. Don't people make fun of you? This is out of this world for me... lol I wish I were there to see your exs naked. Did you do this even while with your ex ex? Did your ex ex see you this time naked too?
A4Effort, man, reading your situation really gave me a lot of insight to my own situation. I've went through a lot of the same stuff you did. Broke up with my girlfriend this year. In college. Could not really talk about it with my roommates because while they are my friends, they aren't in the relationship mindset, they are in the hook up mindset, and don't really put themselves out there for heartbreak. I had a class with my ex, and had to sit on the other side of the room. I really found a lot of qualities in her that I couldn't find in most to all of the other women I have ever met in my life. She just wasn't in to a lot of that superficial, judgmental lifestyle too many people (guys and girls) get consumed by, and I liked that because I was/am the same way.
That being said, I'm over her, and still very angry at her, because I realized she used me. Maybe not in the classic sense that you see in pop culture, but she told me she would work on things that she didn't intend on working on just so she could keep me around for her own benefit.
So I have to say, reading your progress and seeing that you were, eventually, able to forgive your ex is encouraging, because while I don't think I can ever go back to being friends/knowing my ex, I don't want to harbor all these angry feelings about her. I'd rather just feel nothing. I want to forgive her but I can't.
So thanks man. I hope I can get to where you are, you're an inspiration.
People throw jokes here and there but nothing crazy. Its been a tradition here for a long time. The ex that I saw was my ex ex and I did this with her last spring semester. It's a very liberating thing.Quote:
Originally Posted by emopunk7
For me it happened so randomly. I was walking to my class. I was thinking about the whole situation and how my anger was not doing any good to me. It was almost like a switch was flipped inside me. Does that mean that she cannot make me angry anymore? No, she probably could but what ever she does will really reflect on her character. I am still working on getting over the break myself but I feel like I have come a long way. This will happen to you too and when you do you will feel like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders. It took a ton of screwing up on my part to learn some of these lessons but I finally got to the point where I am now. Good luck with your situation and you will come to the same place where I am now if not better.Quote:
Originally Posted by dlowell08
I did some research on this so it is true... Did it affect you in any way to see your ex ex naked? How about everybody seeing her naked? You got to see a lot of girls' breasts bouncing?
Oh boy! There really isn't anything sexual about this event at all.Quote:
Originally Posted by emopunk7
I really wasn't affected by my ex at all. I really didn't care that others saw her naked either. It just the human body and in this context there was nothing sexual about it. We just said hello to each other and that was it. I kept on running with my friend at that is all there is to it. You see a lot of naked people and a lot of people see you naked. I guess it all depends on how comfortable you are with your own body. It was a great night and like I said before there was nothing sexual about it.
Everybody has a way of having fun. I know back in canada you get one or three people doing it, but it's way too cold for that.
Wow... if I saw my ex naked I'd be staring for a while! Maybe your ex didn't have a great body... u just seem like its no big deal... I guess I take the human body a bit more serious and somewhat sacred and beautiful. Showing it off like that is nonetheless interesting but I don't see how one can be unaffected or act like its nothing and no big deal. I think it's a big deal and its awesome.
Quote:
Originally Posted by emopunk7
My ex had a wonderful body but when I saw her that night I looked at her beauty not just her physical appearance. I saw her grace, stature, beautiful smile, curly long hair, kindness, humor, etc... It did affect me. It made me just realize what a beautiful girl she really is and how I wish we were still together. I do not think that her wanting to go out and seeing other people is wrong but it is how she executed it that I do believe is wrong. I still miss her. I still wish we were together. I could see us having a great life together but life is not a fairy tale always. I had to realize the hard way. I have learned many lessons from this that I will carry over into the next meaningful relationship when time comes. There is nothing that I can do nor would I want to, to get us back together.
I am single now. I can go out with friends. Enjoy my time meeting new people and just enjoying college. Staying together with a person throughout college is almost impossible and it takes certain two people to make it work. In my situation only one of us was committed. Is she a bad person for not committing? No, she is young, beautiful, and unexperienced. She has much to learn. Her and I came from 2 different walks of life and learned at different speeds. I enjoyed learning from her and learning what love is. I learned about myself a great deal. I learned things that I didn't even know about myself. But now I am moving on. I am slowly realizing that I will love again when I am ready. I also realize that what her and I had will never leave my heart but those emotions will diminish. I will keep the good times we shared for the rest of my life. She will not be forgotten. I know she will do great in life. I know she will find someone special and I wish her the best in life. Maybe, one day our paths will even cross and we might work on becoming friends.
Sorry, for the rant... I kind of went off topic.
Hey, I've had the same feelings you had for your girlfriend and its amazing how they can be. They share the same basic beliefs and are sexy and treat you the way you like and are a lot of fun. Then one day it all ends and comes crashing down. And now we look for the next airport with the next available flight so that we can be that high again and lift off from the ground. We will find that available flight. Right now we are packing and soon we will go into a few airports and shortly after we will find our flight. When packing, don't forget to bring your identification which will be a better you!
Umh, so I think I did it again.
So here is the story:
One night I was coming back from studying at the library and I saw a note on the door. A hallmate left a note on my door asking me if I could give her a ride to the store because she needed to get a few items for baking. So her and I went to the store and bought a few items. From there we got to talking about candles for some odd reason and decided to go the a Home Goods store. We randomly looked around, smelled candles, etc... but manily talked. We decided to go to the mall next to buy some chocolate covered gummy bears. Random, I know. We shopped around a little and decided to head back. From there she invited me to bake with her. So we did, we baked and continued getting to know each other. Afterwards we decided to watch a movie together. We watched Tristen & Isolde until 2a.m. During this day we talked about how I do bikrim yoga occasionally for stress relief. She really wanted to try it so I invited her to come with me. So, the next day we went to yoga together followed by lunch at a local sandwich shop. Later that day we ended up going to the library to study but all we did is talk. We ended up the night by watching some show online in her room. The next day we spent most of the day apart but we went to a tea house later that night. We talked for several hours before going home. On the way home we held hands and she hugged me right before going to bed. She thanked me for the last few days and asked me if she would see me the next day (today).
Now, I think she is into me but I am not completely sure yet. I really think she is a great girl and this time I know for sure that she does not have any baggage. All her friends tell me that she is a good girl. She does not drink, is smart, beautiful, etc... We have a TON in common. Now this just happened. I was not looking for this at all. One thing just led to another. We just clicked instantly. Vacation starts at the end of this week so her and I are going to be apart for a month. She lives in Maine which is roughly 6 hours away from where I live.
So what do I do? Do I just forget about her and continue staying single?
Oh and totally random fact. My ex told me that she is now dating a guy who plays in a heavy metal band. That is a complete 180 from me. Hope he makes her happy.
You bet your booty you stay single, as you have done nothing, it seems, but made a friend, and for all the talking, and attractions, there is a lot more to learn.
Keep things in perspective guy, based on past experience. It looks good on paper, but its only been a week? I would keep in touch over the phone, but hardly everyday, just to keep my life balanced with other things. You already know that too much to fast crash and burn, so why repeat that act again? Even if your ex is. What's the hurry?
Tal beat me to it and I can't rep him yet-but I agree. Why the hurry to get into yet another relationship? Make friends getting to know people-plural. Getting to know somebody takes time and it should/could be an interesting journey. Most of all get to the position where you feel happy being single.
I am not in a hurry at all. I just wondering if this is OK because everyone has been telling me to stay single for a good amount of time. I am not looking to start dating her but if there is mutual attraction then I do not see why not. Plus I would need to get to know her better. I already found out a great amount about her but I would need way more time before anything even happens. That is why I did not even try to kiss her or anything along those lines. I did find out that she had only one serious boyfriend before me that she was with for 4 years. He broke up with her over the summer and she tells me that she is over him. She seems to be over him too seeing how she talks about him.Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
If you don't want this girl to turn out like the last girl, then you just keep cool, have fun, and get to know her.
If your just going to go into all of this thinking with your little head, then you're setting yourself up for failure.
Going out with someone for 4 years and getting over them in 6 months is a feat. Since she is STILL talking about him means that she isn't a 100% over him. Her not being over her ex and now you coming in the picture sounds like a recipe for "confusion" to me.Quote:
I did find out that she had only one serious boyfriend before me that she was with for 4 years. He broke up with her over the summer and she tells me that she is over him. She seems to be over him too seeing how she talks about him.
Be careful with her and don't rush into to anything. Like I said before, just have fun being friends right now and getting to know her.
To all of us, it sounds like you're rushing into things already.
I agree. I think there is definitely a difference between the last girl and this new friend. With the last girl I was definitely trying to make something happen. I was trying to make her like me by showing her all my good qualities and trying to impress her. Right now, I am not trying anything. I am just talking to her as I would to any other girl.Quote:
Originally Posted by amicon
I do have a month vacation coming up this week so I will have plenty of time to think things through, clear my head, and stay single.
Good idea. Stick with it.
Happy holidays!
Nothing changed in your situation except 2 weeks give or take. Reread the advice we gave you, they still apply and don't repeat the same mistakes.
I agree with you completely. This one month break will do use both good. We introduced each other and now we can think clearly over break if this is something we want to continue pursuing. There is no way I am making the mistake again of falling into another relationship fast. I will continue being friends with her and see what happens from there. I will keep any intamacy out for a while because I do not want it to blur my mind. Right now, I enjoy the stage that her and I are in.Quote:
Originally Posted by jmw0713
Also, this allows me to continue healing myself and enjoy my vacation.
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