I doubt anyone remembers my story. But roughly 6 months ago I came to this site just like everyone else and poured my heart out. My girlfriend at the time broke up with me because she said she needed to explore. She was young and in college. At the time we have been dating for 1.5 years. We broke up and my difficult journey began. She was my first love and we shared many firsts. The first 3 weeks I did everything possibly wrong and could not find the strength to move on. Finally, after getting hurt several times I decided to move on. She saw the strength I had and wanted me back. We talked and I explained to her how I would only take her back if she is ready and will not have the same feelings again. She promised and we got back together. Six months of bliss passed. We worked on our relationship, fixed our previous problems and fell deeper in love. This leads us to present time.

School starts again and everything seems fine. I saw no signs like last time that she wanted to leave me. She kept on expressing her love to me and I to her. Life was bliss. Then one night she went over to college residential community and spent some time there with friends. Immediately the next day I noticed something wrong. That night she did not call me or come over like she usually does after I get home. She didn't answer my texts and finally answered one of my calls. The next day she avoided me all day too. I finally asked her to meet me and talk over lunch. We met and she told me how she had the same feelings again that she had a few months ago.

So the process began again. She told me how she did not want to continue hurting me by having these doubts. She said that there were parts of her life that went away when we started dating. She wanted to have that part back again and just go through self-exploration to find out who she is. This is understandable since she is still young and in college. I asked why she could not share those experience with me since I was very open/accepting to any experiences. Never once did I tell her that she could not do something or act a certain way. I accepted her for who she was and every single quality that came with her. I told her that I would be glad to incorporate any lost parts and would love to explore new avenues with her. No matter what I offered her, she still gave me the same answer. She we broke up again. So here I am now again. Lost, hurt, and wounded. Some very wise people on this forum told me that I should not take her back again because they knew what would happen again. Did I listen? No.

I know what I need to do now. Loose all contact with her. Keep myself busy and move on. Let her go. We both want to stay in touch and become friends but I know this won't work. She still was my first love. I miss her and I thank her for what I was able to experience with her. Even though this a dramatic life event I still am glad that I was able to experience it. I learned a lot from her and without her I would not be the man I am today. I do hope one day our paths cross again but this is not something I will be waiting for. I just wanted to share this experience with you all so that some who are in similar positions will know what can happen.

It is tough when Im 21 but I feel much much older. Most individuals my age do not share the same values as I do. Hence why I really appreciated when I found someone who was so similar to me. I have been through so many life experience (genocide, war, constant moving, parents divorcing,) but I feel like having lost my first love is worse then any of the mentioned above.

I know I will heal and writing this down/sharing is helping me a great deal.
Thank you for listening. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

Im sorry this happened to you again.
I think you know which path to take now as you have all the insights.
In my opinion this is what seems to happen quite often when people get back together again.They split up again-Ive been there and done that myself.
If a reconcilliation s going to work both people should have worked on whatever issues needed working on or it becomes a rerun of the same scenario.
Take care.

Thank you.

Yesterday was especially a rough day because she asked me if I wanted to go to a concert with her. She said that this would be a great thing to do together as friends because there would be others around so we would not be inclined to do anything romantic. I wanted to go so bad and be there with her but I had to say no. We ended up fighting over the phone. This made my night so much more difficult. She ended up telling me that she was going with another guy since I wasn't going with her. She told me that he was only a friend. To me it did not matter and all night long, all I had was dreams of her with another man.

After that conversation, I ended up deleting her phone number and I also deleted her Facebook. I just can't have any contact with her right now. I don't know if we can be friends right now but I am so afraid that I will loose her completely.

Right now the best thing is NC so you did the right thing by deleting her.
You know the advice is to keep busy and do things you enjoy so please do that.
Let your brain rule your heart and try to not dwell on what she might or might not be doing.
Don't let her attempts at gameplaying get to you.

I remember your story clearly A4 and I sympathize with you. I know you are a strong guy and you know what needs to be done. I admire you for declining to go to the concert and sticking to your guns. For some reason, I am not worried at all that you will make the right decisions and do what is best for you. Good luck man!

Here's the story: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...me-322039.html

I'm glad that hear that you've healed from this experience. Thank you for sharing what you've learned with everyone. I'm sure your story can serve as an inspiration.

Like KC, I'm proud of you for turning down the concert offer. I'm sure it was incredibly difficult, but you stood your ground, and for that it will make this process easier for you.

Keep yourself (and your mind) busy during this time, so she doesn't get a chance to sneak in there and wreak havoc!

You are handling this incredibly well and doing all the right things for yourself... although I know right now it doesn't feel that way. I commend you on making these choices, not many are strong enough. Although it hurts, you are saving yourself more pain by sticking to your plan of no contact.

Just focus on you, as you can never know what's in your future. Don't discount the women around you for not holding the same values, sometimes those diamonds are hidden in the rough, you just have to look a little deeper. Take it one day at a time and know that there are many of us here to listen when the going gets rough.

I just wished I had the same courage when my ex broke up with me to say no. Like you she was my first everything and it was a 3 year relationship. The only thing that made me go forward is that I was fed up of suffering and yo-yoing, so I cut all contact with her. Trust me, life DOES get better, I've been there. I lost tons of sleep, lost hair, got my hair turned white and I had diarrhea for a good 3 weeks lol. Now I'm better than ever. Keep us posted on how you're doing.

Today I decided to take a "me break."Im not attending my classes. I already went to bikram yoga to calm my mind and now Im heading downtown for lunch where Im going to read a book. From there I will go on a bike ride and enjoy this beautiful day. Finally I will go train at my martial arts school and call it a day.

Thank you all for the kind words and I hope I can stay strong.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by A4Effort

Today I decided to take a "me break."Im not attending my classes. I already went to bikram yoga to calm my mind and now Im heading downtown for lunch where Im going to read a book. From there I will go on a bike ride and enjoy this beautiful day. Finally I will go train at my martial arts school and call it a day.

Thank you all for the kind words and I hope I can stay strong.

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Sounds like a marvelous day! Enjoy yourself :)

You have learned well hopper grass! (Texas for grasshopper) :D:)

Way to go!Enjoy! :-)

Well, here I am. I had an amazing day. Enjoyed the weather and freshened my mind. But here I am now. All I can think is about her. I trying to keep myself busy. I know where she is tonight and it is the place the made her change her mind in the first place. But I know I cannot call her. It almost seems as if the second time around its even harder.

I MISS HER!

There will be ups and downs. Every time will be hard but it will get easier and if you go through it again, that will be harder because it is current, in my opinion.

You are doing the right thing.

Find a game to play online, that is how I kill time. Would it work for you?

It probably would if I wasn't at work right now. I know these feelings will go away soon. This a low and a high will come really soon. I know what I need to do and I know it will get better in the end. My brain is telling me all of this but my heart is telling me otherwise.

I miss not having someone to confine it, someone who I could hug and kiss after a long day. I miss not having someone to be intimate with and share a bond of love. I miss not being challenged by my partner in many ways. I miss how good she made me feel. I miss the adventures we went on, the philosophical discussions, cooking dinner together, going out and having fun, creating art, going to yoga/martial arts, going to concerts, and the list goes on. I do not have anyone to share this with.

I am alone and even though I am surrounded by friends and family I still feel alone. My roomates are nice guys but all they think about is getting "laid." They are the typical college guys and I am not. I look for meaningful relationships not a one night stand.

She was beautiful, smart, honest, and confident as one could be. She viewed everyone as equals and never judged. She was a woman not a college girl. Her family was amazing and they accepted me as one of them. We went on vacations together, shared religious events, and learned from each other.

All of this is gone. I know I'll find someone else. I know life goes on. I know I will heal. I know everything. But my heart still is shattered. How will I find another woman who is similar to her? 90% of college girls are not ready for what I want.

This is so difficult. I do not understand how weak I can be. I am have conquered anything and everything without ever shedding a tear. I always been able to swallow my feelings and forget them. I cannot do this now.

This is my low.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...rs-359578.html

Read this thread, buddy. It's 50 pages, but I read every single word. Pay very close attention to the advice taoplr gives throughout it.

Raises the glass to DerelictHerds on the link, good call.

I would say... accept the low, examine it... when she enters your mind in a negative, hurtful fashion, examine why. Instead pushing it away or fighting it off, just accept.

You can also rate the pain on a scale of 1 to 10. For example: 'wow, an image popped in my head of her with some other guy. Huh, that hurt... I'd give that a 7.'

Accept the pain & lows, try not to dismiss or force it. I found that to be my greatest error lately.

I'm 22, going 23 in November, and I hear you on the college frat party scene. Not my happening either. Maybe it's just because of my depressive nature/anti-social... who knows.

I read the 50+ page thread and learned something's. But I still ended up making a dumb mistake.

Today we had lunch. We talked and she was very attracted to me. She gave me a kiss on the cheek when she first saw me. We enjoyed each others presence very much. It was weird because we both want each other but she cannot be with me at this point in time. I know she will find someone else. She is a great girl and anyone will be lucky being with her. I am trying to believe in the statement "if its meant to be..." but do not want set myself up for pain. As we ended our lunch she almost went in for a real kiss but held it back. When I was with her for that half an hour everything was perfect. The minute she left I went back to my depressive state.

If I continue this I know I will hit rock bottom. I know everyone goes through this and they heal. I talked to several people about their first love and they all said that they were able to move on but if they had the opportunity they would take their partner back in a heart beat. They still get emotional when they think of their first love even though they are fine.

Just keep in mind that every get together puts you back to square one. Now you start the process again. That is why no contact is hard but contact is harder. No contact helps you heal.

We all have bumps, but keep that in mind in the future.

Do you feel any progress?

I feel like I progressed a lot. But my brain and heart completely divided. Before my brain did not know what to do and I became a mess. Now I know what I need to do. I have been trying to do the right thing. No Contact all the way. But once my heart kicks in all reasoning disappears. My emotions take over and all I want at the time is to be with her. I know Im hurting every time I see her and I know I should do this to myself. But I care for her so much. I know she will move on as will I. But I do not want to accept this.

We have all been in this spot. You are incredibly level-headed and strong, there will be a light for you.
Time to run to the gym? Are you at work?

Ha ha ha. Yes I am always at work. But I am going on a trip with another friend today into tomorrow to visit other friends. Hopefully that will keep my mind clear.

Thank you very much for helping me. I really appreciate all your advice.

It's a hard time, one of the best things is the sounding board and that is what we are hear for.
Better talking to us about how you feel then telling the one person that you shouldn't be talking to.
We are always here. ;)

Sport, sport and sport is what saved me (and other stuff lol). I was training like crazy for everyday. You see the body and mind works in the same way, take care of your body, and your body will take care of your mind. After 2 weeks I was starting to feel much much better, it's amazing what a good level of endorphin can do to your mind.

UPDATE:

Well, this weekend I had no contact in anyway with her. I visited some of my friends at another college. I also I went to a party when I came back. I even met a girl and asked her to go on a date today. I kept myself so busy with activities so that I would not think of her. But all I could do is think of her. So far this has been the lowest of the low. I feel so depressed. My heart aches. Even though I have people to support me I still feel so lonely. Why is this not working. Its been 3 weeks now since the breakup and every day its been getting worse, not better.

What am I doing wrong?

You aren't doing anything wrong. You need to give yourself more credit. Just be a bit more patient. You are an example to a lot of people of how to do this. Pat yourself on the back, continue doing what you're doing and be patient. I KNOW you will get through this, we all do. If you don't believe in this, we will do it for you.

Thanks kc. I know it will get better. I find it very interesting how I am unable to control my emotions with this event. I am a strong individual and always used to stand strong so that others would not see me being weak. At times I had to swallow my pain in order to be there for my parents when they were going through rough times. When someone close passed away I was there for my family to support them. Why is it that I cannot control this?


Also, yesterday I had an interesting conversation with a friend of mine that brought up deeper fears. I realized that it is not just losing my love that is bothering me but also the fear of not becoming what I want to be.

I have such strong standards for myself. I am originally from Bosnia and went through the genocide. Others who went through the same thing have given up partially on becoming successful and live a mediocre life. They did not become what they wanted. My parents brought me here to this country to succeed and have a good life. They do not put any pressure on me to succeed. They support me very much in every possible way. But I would feel so horrible if I did not succeed in life. In my mind, I need to look a certain way, act a certain way, have a successful career, a great wife and wonderful children. I do not want to worry about money. Currently I am working 3 jobs, take 17 credits at college, and am involved in various school activities. I have to work because that is the only way I can pay for school and support myself. My parents try hard to support me but most of the time cannot offer much. Also I refuse to ask for help from them.

With this break up I feel I have failed. I thought I completed a part of my puzzle by finding a partner I could marry one day. Im afraid that I will not find someone else. I know that we learn from our mistakes and I have done this many times.

Most people my age do not look to far ahead in life. I on the other hand know what I want. I am strong and work very hard to achieve what I want. But when events such as these happen, I do not know if I can continue.

Hey man,
I understand your pain and frustration I really do. I am palestinian and my family lost everything and past through civil war. I'm also 22 years old and for my family it is important to achieve a lot.

Look at it this way. Instead of thinking that the break up as something bad, you should take it as something positive. You are now free, free to go anywhere, free to look for any job when you finish. You can learn to be more social, more sympathetic, make more friends... It is all in the learning process.

Break ups will happen in life, you will also lose friends, family members... it is all part of life. You need to learn to be complete and happy alone before you are with someone else. I cannot stress that enough. Don't be so hard on yourself, you are still in shock.

You are a normal guy. We all have concerns like that. I think we can all agree that you are a very strong individual and extremely outgoing. I admire your ambition and determination. Keep that quality. It is going to be hard at times, but keep that force driving you and keep your head up.

Determination has nothing to do with getting things, it has everything to do with overcoming things. Emotions are going to be there. Let them out and stay true to yourself.

Well ladies and gents. I have officially sunk to the lowest of the lowest. I was studying for an upcoming exam. My ex girlfriend used to help me a great deal with studying and I did well when I studied with her. So I asked her and she agreed. I came over and everything was fine. She asked me how my weekend was and I explained to her what I did. I asked her and she told me how she went to three parties, had a party at her home and some people slept over. Non which she slept with or at least that's what she told me. The dumbass that I am, asked her if if we could have another chance. I told her how I would work on everything that she needed and I would give her more freedom to do the things she needed to do. She said that she could not do this and we argued a little. I packed my things, got up, and left without a word. I immediately went to my martial arts school and punched the bag until I could not lift my arms. My hands were covered with my own blood and I took all of my anger out on it.

Back to step one. I needed this though because now I know for SURE that this will not happen and I need to move on. IM DONE WITH HER AND HURTING MYSELF!! I can't do this to myself. Im so afraid that I won't do as well now because I have lost my friends and my partner. I feel so alone but I am so confident in myself now that I will succeed and move on.

"Determination has nothing to do with getting to things, it has everything to do overcoming things. Emotions are going to be there. Let them out and stay true to yourself." (kctiger)

Yep, you pretty much did everything that you shouldn't have done... Anyhow we all have done stupid mistakes so don't beat yourself about it. During my break up I told my ex that I was willing to wait for her 6 months to a year for her...

You had your closure, you just need to take care of yourself. And by the way for this alone thing, if you don't make the necessary step to contact people or meet new people, you will stay alone. People will actually like you if you invite them and seem very sociable and then they will in turn invite you to go out. And it's also like that, that you meet potential interesting girls.

Yes, you are right paxe. I definitely had my closure. Even though I'm back at step 1 I feel much better. Before I always thought there would be some hope. Now I don't care if there is any hope.

Well, I strongly think that there are some things we need to learn ourselves by doing mistakes in order to go forward. So I guess the next month or so is going to be tough, and then you are going to have the blast of your life after that ( I know I did ).

I am thinking a lot more positively now. I hope this feeling of confidence lasts longer than a day. I already have been hanging out other girls and I know that one day I will find another person who will be committed to me.

Positive steps A, but it will take much more time. Don't make the mistake of putting your baggage onto another girl. While it is GREAT to hang around other females, it is also really easy after a break up to "rebound" into another one. Just enjoy the small things in life. Enjoy the moments, before they become memories. :)

I am staying away from rebounding because that is not the person who I am. I just enjoy meeting new people and creating new friendships. I am not ready at this time to commit to someone else since I need to heal first.

Nice! It's the way to go. You'll seriously enjoy single life for some good amount of time (I am having a blast).

I sure hope so. It is weird because I entered college being in a relationship. So I never learned what it is to be single in college. I always hung out with my partner and our friends. I feel like I have to start from scratch. I am a little afraid of this but also excited to meet new people and create new relationships. I am just not into the whole getting drunk and play beer pong all night.

Think positive in life