Hi I'm 24 years old and my ex girfriend is 22. We dated for 14 wonderful months, and it was just something so special that everyone could see the love and connection we had. This girl was adopted at the age of 12 by two christian parents who have helped her deal with her messed up childhood. She hasn't had a easy life, and the boyfriend before me, treated her like dirt it kills me to hear. I swore from day one of relationship to show what real love, care, and adoration looks like by putting her on a pedestal she deserves.

In the recent months she began to pull away, however, wanting to spend more time with a roommate and when stress in her life came, she would push me away and say she didn't have the energy for me. We were doing fine and out of blue, she broke up with me, saying she needed time to work on herself, pursue her faith, and to live without a boy in her life. It pains me terribly, I am a very hands on person and it hurts that she made a decision before talking to me. But she said she wanted to end loving me, not fighting, which is respectable.

Its been about 4 weeks with hardly any contact (my decision to give her the space she requested). But I am just torn up because she is so beautiful in my eyes and I have such a huge heart for her, to show her better.

What is my next step? I want us to be together so bad. We both had strong feelings one another was "the One".. I want to see us to conclusion, whether we're to be together forever or its clearly demonstrated to us we're not compatible. Please help!

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Many of the people in this forum have gone through your painful experience and have since recovered from it.

First of all, you have to start accepting the idea that she had a change of heart. She doesn't feel the same way about you anymore.

I know you are grieving and hoping that when she's done with her time out, she will come back to you. But the reality is, she will probably never come back. Your best bet is to start accepting reality so that you can move on.

Otherwise, you prolong the pain and suffering...

Really I think she just needs time do some soul searching and some maturing. I know she had a special kind of love for me up until a couple weeks ago, she said it broke her heart to push me away.

"But like she said, the hardest thing and the right thing are the same."

She needs to love herself before she can be loved by another and return the love

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Originally Posted by patbrown03

Really I think she just needs time do some soul searching and some maturing. I know she had a special kind of love for me up until a couple weeks ago, she said it broke her heart to push me away.

"But like she said, the hardest thing and the right thing are the same."

She needs to love herself before she can be loved by another and return the love

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That's fine, you could be right, but don't expect it to happen, or else you will be really hurt. Spend this time apart to get over her. If she comes back to you, then great, but if she doesn't, at least you will be stronger and better prepared to fully move on.

Thanks. I know we're both really trying to do this right, we care about each other a lot, but during this time, we are apart. She is working on herself, and I am building myself back up - to be a stronger man for myself first and when/if she comes around or ms right comes before me. Hopefully this time is helping her to realize how much I mean to her. I know we ll have a friendship at the very least, but we've had a unique chemistry since day until the break. I don't think that can be overlooked

*since day one until the split*

Please! I need opinions/advice!

I agree with I Wish. She has already exhibited signals that she no longer wants to be with you - she would no longer seek you when she is troubled. Ending the relationship with love and her saying it broke her heart to push you away are just ways of making the break up less painful for you. It does NOT indicate any covert meaning that she wants to be with you in the future. I would take this time to leave her in the past and stop dwelling on the possibility that she will want you back. It is likely not going to happen.

Your not going to like this, but keep giving her what she asked for, time and space for herself.

She changed her mind for whatever reason, and its up to her to let you know how she feels. In the meantime, yes you live your life, and have a great time.

I think we all have been through that time of intense feelings, that are hard to let go.

Great advice so far, but I'd like to point out one comment of yours that caught by attention, Pat.

You mentioned putting her on a pedestal like she deserves. This, to me, indicates that you have more respect for her than you do for yourself. It is fine to care about another person as much as you care about yourself, but when you think that you cannot be happy unless the other person is happy you have a problem.

Right now, I'm going to give you some advice, and you probably aren't going to take it but that's fine. Go NO CONTACT with her. Get whatever belongings of yours that she still has (I know you have left something at her place, or otherwise made sure you still had a reason to call her) and don't talk about anything other than what you need from her. That means, no discussion of relationships, no asking how she is doing, nothing other than "I want to get my things, when can I come pick them up?" When you do this, give her back anything of hers that you still have. It's OK to keep gifts, as long as you box them up and put them where you won't see them all the time. Then, delete her from your Facebook, myspace, friend's lists, etc. because otherwise you'll be checking it every ten minutes for a glimpse of what she's doing.

Once you have removed her from your life, you can start to move on with it. It is not intended to hurt her or make her want you back; you obviously no longer have a life of your own, and you deserve to find happiness for yourself. What did you do for fun 14 months ago? What have you changed to "preserve" this relationship? Go back to how things were with the knowledge that you are a good person.

I'm not going to give you advice on how to get her back, because that's not what you should be worried about right now. Focus on your OWN life, for your OWN sake, so that you can be happy on your own again. If she chooses to keep you in her life, that's her choice, and you do have the right to ask her for space as well. You need it right now, even if you don't think so yourself. If she cares about you, she'll come around on her own. If not, then that's a clear indication of who she really cares about.

~ Tee

Thanks for your insight.

She has very independent personality and a hard time leaning on people (bc they have hurt her/abandoned her in the past stemming from childhood i.e. pre-adoption). Hopefully in this time of maturation, she realizes to be really loved is to let someone loving, close to her.

During our relationship, she gave me a list of qualities she wants in a husband that she made was she was 12 and duplicated when she was 18. And I met (and excelled) on so all of them. She has every reason to trust me, but she's just not ready (bc of immaturity, fear, and past hurt)

It seems like the best bet is stay to calm, continue to let her be, make myself strong and desirable, and see what plays out in the next couple months. Time will tell whether I ll give it up forever or we ll come back close and stronger.

*sigh* You just don't get it, but that's OK.

I hate to see this, I really do, because I've been there myself.

The only way you're going to understand this, truly understand it, is to experience the pain yourself. You are going to hurt, and it's going to really suck. But, the good news is, you'll be a much stronger, much healthier individual because of it.

All I can say is, you got to stop worrying about her maturity level, her emotions, and anything else that involves her. You're just distracting yourself from your own problems. I'm not trying to be mean, but right now you really need to look at yourself instead of focusing so much of your thoughts on her.

You won't like what you see. Hopefully you'll do something about it.

~ Tee

Tee,

First of all thank you very very much for your time and words of wisdom. The break happened about 3.5 weeks ago, she wanted to keep talking and be there when I move into my own apartment, but I wisely told her decision to break away from me and SPACE to herself equals not talking and not a part of exciting moments of my life. So glad I decided that, I refuse to terrorize her like her last ex.. I picked up my stuff a couple days after that, didn't say all that much to her besides, "hope you realize we had something special and I would do anything for you"

In regards to putting her on a pedestal, she definitely deserves it. She had a childhood with alcoholic parents before putting herself up to be adopted at age 12. She missed out on that essential love. Since HS, she's had boyfriends to sort of fill her needs, which is wrong and she knows that. She is concentratiing this time to go back to being a woman of faith, very respectable.

But yes the relationship become very one sided due to both our personalties, I gave and she took. She is selfish and takes more than she gives; while I have always been selfless, concerned about others, less about myself. Its not that I don't respect myself or my needs, it's that it brings me happiness to make everyone else around me happy. Guess its tragic flaw.

We traded a couple emails last week, where she said she ll always care for me, and sincerely thanks me for respecting her space. I didn't lash out in emotion and we haven't spoken since.

To be honest, while she's away and going the NC route, she will be picking up new perspectives and healing from the break up. Her chances of actually coming back isn't good, I'm sorry to say.

When a person wants to move on, it is for a reason and they think for whatever reason is best for them. You should be thinking that way too, do not do NC to make yourself more desirable.

Go NC for yourself, for you to heal and pick yourself back up where you left off before you met her, but in a stronger form and better awareness of yourself. Do not hang on to the thought of you guys getting back together, that will only prolong your misery. Worry about it if she decides to come back.


Everyone is special man, even you. Don't hold on to something that will easily slip right out of your hands.

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Originally Posted by ajGambino

To be honest, while she's away and going the NC route, she will be picking up new perspectives and healing from the break up. Her chances of actually coming back isn't good, I'm sorry to say.

When a person wants to move on, it is for a reason and they think for whatever reason is best for them. You should be thinking that way too, do not do NC to make yourself more desirable.

Go NC for yourself, for you to heal and pick yourself back up where you left off before you met her, but in a stronger form and better awareness of yourself. Do not hang on to the thought of you guys getting back together, that will only prolong your misery. Worry about it if she decides to come back.


Everyone is special man, even you. Don't hold on to something that will easily slip right out of your hands.

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Thank you. To clarify, my understanding of the NC is a double edged strategy - first, to take care of myself, my emotions, and get myself on the road to recovery/strength. Second, to truly let experience life without me, and maybe she ll come around and realize she wants a part of her life.

The part about being desirable; women want a strong, reliable, and confident - and that is my goal to reach sooner rather than later. For her to see down the road and be attracted to OR for the next girl to see who will treat me right.

This is definetely a battle, but I'm focused on being positive and strong for myself now. It is not my responsibility to care about her anymore. Sounds like being a jerk, but it's the truth.

You keep talking about what she wants, what women want, that you'll do this because you want to seem more desirable (not just her but to anyone). That's NOT the point of it.

You break contact to figure out yourself, not to be better for the next girl, or for anyone else. You should be healing and getting on with your own life... and even hoping for something with this girl is only getting in the way of that.

You'll realize it on your own eventually. You'll get tired of the heartache, you'll choose to give our advice more thought... and maybe you'll start to truly heal.

Best of luck. It's a long, hard journey.

~ Tee

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The part about being desirable; women want a strong, reliable, and confident - and that is my goal to reach sooner rather than later.

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You want to be attractive, just be happy with who you are, and others will respect that.

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Originally Posted by Triysle

You keep talking about what she wants, what women want, that you'll do this because you want to seem more desirable (not just her but to anyone). That's NOT the point of it.

You break contact to figure out yourself, not to be better for the next girl, or for anyone else. You should be healing and getting on with your own life...and even hoping for something with this girl is only getting in the way of that.

You'll realize it on your own eventually. You'll get tired of the heartache, you'll choose to give our advice more thought...and maybe you'll start to truly heal.

Best of luck. It's a long, hard journey.

~ Tee

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I hear you. Im taking your guys advice, it was a clean split (I didn't beg/terrorize her), I broke off contact and I'm taking care of myself.

Reconnecting with friends and making plans for the rest of the summer. My life definitely isn't on hold for a girl. If she does come around, I won't be an idiot. I ll be smart and it all will be on my terms. I treated her incredibly well, the best any guy she s dated, that's a truth she knows and she won't easily let go of her feelings for me

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Originally Posted by talaniman

You want to be attractive, just be happy with who you are, and others will respect that.

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I 100% am. I am a very relational person, I like building genuine relationships with people and being a part of their lives. I do being alone too, just not all the time because then I ll get real down. I will definitely miss having someone special to love and love me back in my life.

But I can't change the past, I can only make the best of each day and be happy.

I have a challenge for you, Pat. Next time you make a post here, or talk to one of your friends or family members, or are otherwise in a position to have a discussion with someone, don't bring up your ex. Talk about yourself, talk about your own feelings, but see if you can go without mentioning her in any way, shape, or form.

~ Tee

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Originally Posted by Triysle

I have a challenge for you, Pat. Next time you make a post here, or talk to one of your friends or family members, or are otherwise in a position to have a discussion with someone, don't bring up your ex. Talk about yourself, talk about your own feelings, but see if you can go without mentioning her in any way, shape, or form.

~ Tee

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Ok. I talked it out with some close friends and family a couple weeks ago but trust me, I won't drown them with it. But something I do need to talk about, I can't just ignore what's on my heart. I ll myself and my welfare the focus, but if I am going to talk about my feelings honestly, she is going to topic because I have strong feelings for her. And the reason I'm here in the first place is to talk about the breakup and what to do going forward.

Threads merged

24 year old male, first serious relationship (my first true love) ended about 2 months and I am struggling to let go of the anger caused by her decision to break it off/quit on me & our relationship. Initially, I thought it was just to work on herself and her long list of issues (baggage) and she might come back to a good & loving person, but after exchanging some emails a month after the breakup, it is clear its over over. Ive accepted it and realized I was far more compatible for her than she ever was for me (she acknowledged I was perfect for her so that's why its frustrating she gave up on me)

I could get into details about why its over, but I really just want some advice on how to let go of the bottled up anger & frustration. It sucks that I just let her walk all over me in the relationship and hurt me with this betrayal. I know time heals and Ive made progress in the healing process, but Im a hands on person and this is just frustrating!

P.S. No contact was implemented from the start, but broken on occasion by both sides about once every 10 days; its been 2 weeks now with no contact and I am determined to stay the course indefinitely

I went through something similar to your situation, my ex wife had done some bad things and then left me and was I ever so angry. I have never been that mad before in my life. What I did to get by was going to the gym and weight lifting, it got my aggresion out and helped me fell better about myself. Its not a complete cure but it sure helps. Also its going to have to take time, just find ways to let your anger out without being overly destructive (sometimes I would take a baseball bat and break an old TV I didn't like, that helped to)

Yeah it's so aggravating. I was willing to do anything for that girl and I took care of her so incredibly dating well for over a year, and in return, she quits on me! As I cope, I'm playing softball and working out/running on occasion.. it's a good outlet. I try to minimize my alone time as much as possible, because that's when I get reflective and frustrations tied to the breakup come out.

Yea being alone during times like these is the worst thing you can do, so that's good your staying busy. Yea time is what really helped me, that and meeting new woman. Just channel your anger into something productive and give it time

Definitely go out and have fun, doing whatever you like to do. The gym is a great idea!

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Originally Posted by patbrown03

Yeah it's so aggravating. I was willing to do anything for that girl and I took care of her so incredibly dating well for over a year, and in return, she quits on me! As I cope, im playing softball and working out/running on occasion.. its a good outlet. I try to minimize my alone time as much as possible, b/c thats when I get reflective and frustrations tied to the breakup come out.

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Turn the negative into a positive, Say to yourself Thank goodness it ended now so that I didn't have to waste time with someone who was not in a equitable relationship. It is a break up not a break down.

One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory. :-)

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Originally Posted by jolienoire

Turn the negative into a positive, Say to yourself Thank goodness it ended now so that I didn't have to waste time with someone who was not in a equitable relationship. It is a break up not a break down.

One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory. :-)

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Great advice thanks! She's had a messed up life and its affected her tremendously, but she ll be someone else's problem and I'm glad its not me suffering on her behalf

(sounds heartless, but I need to vent; besides she was heartless to me)

What's always helped me is expressing my feelings in words. A tip I found online is to write a letter to your ex but never send it, I usually do that in the first few stages of the healing process. The best method, I find, is talk with a buddy that you're very close to. Take him out for a few beers and spill out your guts, it really works.

And lastly, coming here and giving advice to others also helped a great deal, because advice is self-reflection.

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Originally Posted by slapshot_oi

What's always helped me is expressing my feelings in words. A tip I found online is to write a letter to your ex but never send it, I usually do that in the first few stages of the healing process. The best method, I find, is talk with a buddy that you're very close to. Take him out for a few beers and spill out your guts, it really works.

And lastly, coming here and giving advice to others also helped a great deal, because advice is self-reflection.

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Great post. I ve always expressed myself well in words (English & Journalism degree). What would I write in the letter? (no never be sent)

Im actually been meeting with a buddy once a week or so, getting some beers and talking stuff out. Its great because he's 29 and gone through this crap more than I have and sees how good it is on the other side

Gym is a great Idea. I train like a boxer would trust me you start that routine and you will be to tired to think of her at then end of the day. If you can find a gym with a body bag even better!! Stay strong man we have all been through this and we all get past it!

Boxers Training Regime - Train like a Boxer!

In my experience, travling is one of the best solutions, if you can afford.

I am working for a global company, and volunteered all the business trips in my department as much as possible. I ended up traveling many countries in Europe for almost 3 month. My co-workers (who are married and have family) thanked me a lot since they did not want to go overseas.

OK. I admit it. I cried in the euro train during the 1st week of break up. I felt very lonely in the foreign counties (separation anxiety + home sick?) and could not sleep well in a hotel room (I always blamed jet lag not my post break-up anxiety). I did my best to make myself overbook to meet many clients face-to-face during the trip. I also forced myself to do sightseeing in each city, and meet local people in the area. Before I knew it, all my hate & anger feelings disappeared from my chest. The best thing of traveling is, I was naturally NC 100%, and could save myself from the negative energy / silly post breakup episode from ex.

After came back from the trip, I poured all my energy to initiate new projects at work. I worked long hours almost everyday until 8-10 pm include Friday. I took classes during weekends to learn new things which I always wanted to learn but did not try before. At the end of the year, I got promotion for the crazy hard work. I turned my anger to productivity and it was just worth it.

Perhaps some alone time is not such a bad idea. I have been in a similar situation in which my boyfirend of two years, just didn't feel like being with me anymore. He left me standing outside like an idiot, more destroyed than I can even begin to describe. For me, distracting myself with hobbies and meeting new people just hid the fact that I had been so devistated by the breakup. It has come out to haunt me in my current relationship. All of the fears and anger and insecurities have come out, many years later. I have had to spend a good deal of time by myself working things out. It may take a fair amount of painful reflection before you can truly offer yourself to another relationship.

These are really good and helpful posts! Thanks everyone I really really appreciate it!

Re: winding200: I def would like to travel and see some different places, meeting new people is great and I enjoy it. I can't wait until the anger & emotion feelings leave my chest!

Re: laura2519: its an awful sitaution to go through, like a week before we broke up she wanted to have a serious conversation about what color kitchen table I should buy for my own apartment because we would use it when we got married. Its terrible how she messed with my head & heart talking about the commitment of marriage and showing none of it, dropping me like a ball because she didn't want a boyfriend or we weren't meant to be

The first month or so, being with other people and activities/hobbies seemed exactly like distractions, I was there physically that's it. But it was better than being alone at home a mess.

I have plenty of alone time now moving into a one bedroom apt 3 weeks after my breakup. I spend some time reflecting but more time looking forward when I'm 100% healed and a better girl comes along and fully treats me like I deserve.

Thanks for merging my threads! And all the advice, I ve come a long way since the first post - no contact is the best way to move on and I am slowly (after a couple setbacks)

She isn't worth a minute of my time..

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Originally Posted by patbrown03

Im actually been meeting with a buddy once a week or so, getting some beers and talking stuff out. Its great b/c he's 29 and gone through this crap more than i have and sees how good it is on the other side

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There you go. I just went to a casino with my best-bud over the weekend, we had a few talks.

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Originally Posted by patbrown03

What would i write in the letter? (no never be sent)

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That's the best part, because no one is going to read it, write whatever comes to mind. If you're pissed about the break-up, write hate-mail; depressed, something sad; annoyed, rip your ex a new a-hole. Just make it no-holds-barred, unrefined, raw emotion; spill it all into that letter.

I highly recommend you keep that letter for a few weeks so you can read it later, after those feelings have passed, so you can begin to understand why you felt the way you did at the time of writing, or that you have no clue why you felt that way, in either case you're making progress.

Give her the space she wants, crowding her in will only push her further away. Let her work on herself, and you right now go on with your life. Meet new people, and if its meant to be it will work out. You can't change things, she need this time.

You can't bring someone back, they need to come back on their own. But even then, when you give it plenty of time and thought, you can make a smart observation of why they're coming back... and by that time, you will care about your feelings a lot more than hers and might surprise yourself of what decision you will make.

Don't give her time and space, give yourself that time and space... meaning, work on yourself, do not wait around.

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Originally Posted by sully123

Give her the space she wants, crowding her in will only push her further away. Let her work on herself, and you right now go on with your life. Meet new people, and if its meant to be it will work out. You can't change things, she need this time.

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FYI My thread was merged yesterday

Yeah a lot of space has been created. She's gone but she ll want to come back at some point because she ll want to be friends, but that's a decision I will make. Not sure I want her back in my life

I went through a very similar situation. I was dating a guy for 14 months, and we had plans on getting married, and he treated me so well and everyone could tell we would be together forever.

Then one day, he told me he doesn't love me anymore.

I was devastated like no other. I thought I would never find anyone, because HE was perfect for me. But I went NC with him, even though it was painful, and I began to realize things he did all the time that had really bothered me and made me question his love for me, but I swept them under the rug.

My advice to you is go COMPLETELY NC. Even if his family calls (which happened for months in my case) don't pick up. Go out and do things YOU like to do. You'll start to feel better, and you'll gain better prospective on what your relationship really was.

And don't worry about finding someone else: whenever you're not thinking about it and just living for you, they'll come along when you least expect it.

Good luck to you, friend.