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patbrown03 · May 27, 2009, 11:01 AM

Originally Posted by Triysle

I have a challenge for you, Pat. Next time you make a post here, or talk to one of your friends or family members, or are otherwise in a position to have a discussion with someone, don't bring up your ex. Talk about yourself, talk about your own feelings, but see if you can go without mentioning her in any way, shape, or form.

~ Tee

Ok. I talked it out with some close friends and family a couple weeks ago but trust me, I won't drown them with it. But something I do need to talk about, I can't just ignore what's on my heart. I ll myself and my welfare the focus, but if I am going to talk about my feelings honestly, she is going to topic because I have strong feelings for her. And the reason I'm here in the first place is to talk about the breakup and what to do going forward.

patbrown03 · Jul 6, 2009, 10:02 AM

Threads merged

24 year old male, first serious relationship (my first true love) ended about 2 months and I am struggling to let go of the anger caused by her decision to break it off/quit on me & our relationship. Initially, I thought it was just to work on herself and her long list of issues (baggage) and she might come back to a good & loving person, but after exchanging some emails a month after the breakup, it is clear its over over. Ive accepted it and realized I was far more compatible for her than she ever was for me (she acknowledged I was perfect for her so that's why its frustrating she gave up on me)

I could get into details about why its over, but I really just want some advice on how to let go of the bottled up anger & frustration. It sucks that I just let her walk all over me in the relationship and hurt me with this betrayal. I know time heals and Ive made progress in the healing process, but Im a hands on person and this is just frustrating!

P.S. No contact was implemented from the start, but broken on occasion by both sides about once every 10 days; its been 2 weeks now with no contact and I am determined to stay the course indefinitely

halflife1820 · Jul 6, 2009, 10:11 AM

I went through something similar to your situation, my ex wife had done some bad things and then left me and was I ever so angry. I have never been that mad before in my life. What I did to get by was going to the gym and weight lifting, it got my aggresion out and helped me fell better about myself. Its not a complete cure but it sure helps. Also its going to have to take time, just find ways to let your anger out without being overly destructive (sometimes I would take a baseball bat and break an old TV I didn't like, that helped to)

patbrown03 · Jul 6, 2009, 10:27 AM

Yeah it's so aggravating. I was willing to do anything for that girl and I took care of her so incredibly dating well for over a year, and in return, she quits on me! As I cope, I'm playing softball and working out/running on occasion.. it's a good outlet. I try to minimize my alone time as much as possible, because that's when I get reflective and frustrations tied to the breakup come out.

halflife1820 · Jul 6, 2009, 10:33 AM

Yea being alone during times like these is the worst thing you can do, so that's good your staying busy. Yea time is what really helped me, that and meeting new woman. Just channel your anger into something productive and give it time

ZoeMarie · Jul 6, 2009, 10:36 AM

Definitely go out and have fun, doing whatever you like to do. The gym is a great idea!

jolienoire · Jul 6, 2009, 10:39 AM

Originally Posted by patbrown03

Yeah it's so aggravating. I was willing to do anything for that girl and I took care of her so incredibly dating well for over a year, and in return, she quits on me! As I cope, im playing softball and working out/running on occasion.. its a good outlet. I try to minimize my alone time as much as possible, b/c thats when I get reflective and frustrations tied to the breakup come out.

Turn the negative into a positive, Say to yourself Thank goodness it ended now so that I didn't have to waste time with someone who was not in a equitable relationship. It is a break up not a break down.

One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory. :-)

patbrown03 · Jul 6, 2009, 11:00 AM

Originally Posted by jolienoire

Turn the negative into a positive, Say to yourself Thank goodness it ended now so that I didn't have to waste time with someone who was not in a equitable relationship. It is a break up not a break down.

One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory. :-)

Great advice thanks! She's had a messed up life and its affected her tremendously, but she ll be someone else's problem and I'm glad its not me suffering on her behalf

(sounds heartless, but I need to vent; besides she was heartless to me)

slapshot_oi · Jul 6, 2009, 11:30 AM

What's always helped me is expressing my feelings in words. A tip I found online is to write a letter to your ex but never send it, I usually do that in the first few stages of the healing process. The best method, I find, is talk with a buddy that you're very close to. Take him out for a few beers and spill out your guts, it really works.

And lastly, coming here and giving advice to others also helped a great deal, because advice is self-reflection.

patbrown03 · Jul 6, 2009, 11:46 AM

Originally Posted by slapshot_oi

What's always helped me is expressing my feelings in words. A tip I found online is to write a letter to your ex but never send it, I usually do that in the first few stages of the healing process. The best method, I find, is talk with a buddy that you're very close to. Take him out for a few beers and spill out your guts, it really works.

And lastly, coming here and giving advice to others also helped a great deal, because advice is self-reflection.

Great post. I ve always expressed myself well in words (English & Journalism degree). What would I write in the letter? (no never be sent)

Im actually been meeting with a buddy once a week or so, getting some beers and talking stuff out. Its great because he's 29 and gone through this crap more than I have and sees how good it is on the other side

spitvenom · Jul 6, 2009, 12:03 PM

Gym is a great Idea. I train like a boxer would trust me you start that routine and you will be to tired to think of her at then end of the day. If you can find a gym with a body bag even better!! Stay strong man we have all been through this and we all get past it!

Boxers Training Regime - Train like a Boxer!

winding200 · Jul 6, 2009, 12:23 PM

In my experience, travling is one of the best solutions, if you can afford.

I am working for a global company, and volunteered all the business trips in my department as much as possible. I ended up traveling many countries in Europe for almost 3 month. My co-workers (who are married and have family) thanked me a lot since they did not want to go overseas.

OK. I admit it. I cried in the euro train during the 1st week of break up. I felt very lonely in the foreign counties (separation anxiety + home sick?) and could not sleep well in a hotel room (I always blamed jet lag not my post break-up anxiety). I did my best to make myself overbook to meet many clients face-to-face during the trip. I also forced myself to do sightseeing in each city, and meet local people in the area. Before I knew it, all my hate & anger feelings disappeared from my chest. The best thing of traveling is, I was naturally NC 100%, and could save myself from the negative energy / silly post breakup episode from ex.

After came back from the trip, I poured all my energy to initiate new projects at work. I worked long hours almost everyday until 8-10 pm include Friday. I took classes during weekends to learn new things which I always wanted to learn but did not try before. At the end of the year, I got promotion for the crazy hard work. I turned my anger to productivity and it was just worth it.

laura2519 · Jul 6, 2009, 12:42 PM

Perhaps some alone time is not such a bad idea. I have been in a similar situation in which my boyfirend of two years, just didn't feel like being with me anymore. He left me standing outside like an idiot, more destroyed than I can even begin to describe. For me, distracting myself with hobbies and meeting new people just hid the fact that I had been so devistated by the breakup. It has come out to haunt me in my current relationship. All of the fears and anger and insecurities have come out, many years later. I have had to spend a good deal of time by myself working things out. It may take a fair amount of painful reflection before you can truly offer yourself to another relationship.

patbrown03 · Jul 6, 2009, 01:11 PM

These are really good and helpful posts! Thanks everyone I really really appreciate it!

Re: winding200: I def would like to travel and see some different places, meeting new people is great and I enjoy it. I can't wait until the anger & emotion feelings leave my chest!

Re: laura2519: its an awful sitaution to go through, like a week before we broke up she wanted to have a serious conversation about what color kitchen table I should buy for my own apartment because we would use it when we got married. Its terrible how she messed with my head & heart talking about the commitment of marriage and showing none of it, dropping me like a ball because she didn't want a boyfriend or we weren't meant to be

The first month or so, being with other people and activities/hobbies seemed exactly like distractions, I was there physically that's it. But it was better than being alone at home a mess.

I have plenty of alone time now moving into a one bedroom apt 3 weeks after my breakup. I spend some time reflecting but more time looking forward when I'm 100% healed and a better girl comes along and fully treats me like I deserve.

patbrown03 · Jul 6, 2009, 01:13 PM

Thanks for merging my threads! And all the advice, I ve come a long way since the first post - no contact is the best way to move on and I am slowly (after a couple setbacks)

She isn't worth a minute of my time..

slapshot_oi · Jul 6, 2009, 01:18 PM

Originally Posted by patbrown03

Im actually been meeting with a buddy once a week or so, getting some beers and talking stuff out. Its great b/c he's 29 and gone through this crap more than i have and sees how good it is on the other side

There you go. I just went to a casino with my best-bud over the weekend, we had a few talks.

Originally Posted by patbrown03

What would i write in the letter? (no never be sent)

That's the best part, because no one is going to read it, write whatever comes to mind. If you're pissed about the break-up, write hate-mail; depressed, something sad; annoyed, rip your ex a new a-hole. Just make it no-holds-barred, unrefined, raw emotion; spill it all into that letter.

I highly recommend you keep that letter for a few weeks so you can read it later, after those feelings have passed, so you can begin to understand why you felt the way you did at the time of writing, or that you have no clue why you felt that way, in either case you're making progress.

sully123 · Jul 6, 2009, 02:24 PM

Give her the space she wants, crowding her in will only push her further away. Let her work on herself, and you right now go on with your life. Meet new people, and if its meant to be it will work out. You can't change things, she need this time.

ajGambino · Jul 6, 2009, 02:50 PM

You can't bring someone back, they need to come back on their own. But even then, when you give it plenty of time and thought, you can make a smart observation of why they're coming back... and by that time, you will care about your feelings a lot more than hers and might surprise yourself of what decision you will make.

Don't give her time and space, give yourself that time and space... meaning, work on yourself, do not wait around.

patbrown03 · Jul 7, 2009, 06:25 AM

Originally Posted by sully123

Give her the space she wants, crowding her in will only push her further away. Let her work on herself, and you right now go on with your life. Meet new people, and if its meant to be it will work out. You can't change things, she need this time.

FYI My thread was merged yesterday

Yeah a lot of space has been created. She's gone but she ll want to come back at some point because she ll want to be friends, but that's a decision I will make. Not sure I want her back in my life

Torrid13 · Jul 7, 2009, 09:22 AM

I went through a very similar situation. I was dating a guy for 14 months, and we had plans on getting married, and he treated me so well and everyone could tell we would be together forever.

Then one day, he told me he doesn't love me anymore.

I was devastated like no other. I thought I would never find anyone, because HE was perfect for me. But I went NC with him, even though it was painful, and I began to realize things he did all the time that had really bothered me and made me question his love for me, but I swept them under the rug.

My advice to you is go COMPLETELY NC. Even if his family calls (which happened for months in my case) don't pick up. Go out and do things YOU like to do. You'll start to feel better, and you'll gain better prospective on what your relationship really was.

And don't worry about finding someone else: whenever you're not thinking about it and just living for you, they'll come along when you least expect it.

Good luck to you, friend.