Ask Me Help Desk - 5 year relationship ended

To start, I am new to this so bare with me. This might be a long story, but I am trying to cram 5 years into a paragraph.
To begin, me and my ex (lets call him G) started dating freshman year in high school. Everything was great for awhile, but then we started fighting a lot and towards the end of our junior year, he broke up with me. Immediately after he broke up with me, he started hanging out this another girl. He swore to me that they were just friends, but I did not believe me. Anyhow, after he broke up with me, I found a really close friend that I confided with and she helped me try to heal through everything.
Not long after, I started dating a new guy. Im not sure if I started dating him out of anger towards my ex hanging out with a new girl or if I actually had feelings for him. About 6 months after our break up, my ex had contacted me and wanted to try things out again. I immediately jumped for joy and we were back together. Once we got back together, everything was great, perfect you could say.
In about April of 2009, we moved in together and adopted a puppy to be called our 'daughter'. Everything seemed to be going so good and we started planning a future life for ourselves. About a couple months ago, we started fighting a lot again and our faighting is bad. When we fight, we walks out and we won't talk for at least 2 or 3 days. And most of the time, he doesn't want to talk about our problems, so that just makes me hold anger towards him.
It got to the point where we were fighting every other day and I just decided I could not deal with his immaturity any longer and I broke up with him. I feel he is immature because I would beg and beg and beg him to talk about our problems with me, but he would refuse and say there's nothing to talk about. Also, he would always walk out on me and just leave whenever we fought. I just felt like I was holding all the weight in the relationship; like I was trying everything I could to save our relationship and I felt like he was not trying at all...

It has now been 4 days since our breakup and I had given him all of his stuff back. I am hellbent on the idea of no contact, but it just seems to hard. We share a phone bill so I still have the phone he pays for every month. If I give him back the phone, he will have to pay 200 dollars to get out of the phone contract. He said he will just keep paying for it and will continue to pay for our pet's vet bills. He has also asked me many times if he can come to see our dog, but I don't feel like I am ready to see him yet. Even though I am the one who broke off the relationship, I am in so much pain and am besdies myself.
To add, he was my first love, my first everything. We spent 5 amazing years together, and to just drop him like he's nothing is hard. Any adivce and support would be greatly appreciated.

If you read this far, thank you so much for all your time and help.

wooow!! Sorry for your lost.

I know you love him, you did everything you can to make things work.. Sadly to say, both of you guys grew apart instead of growing up together.

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About 6 months after our break up, my ex had contacted me and wanted to try things out again. I immediately jumped for joy and we were back together.

that's the mistake you made, you jumped in the broken boat before trying to figure out, what was the reason of your break up. Problems doesn't fix it self, you need to first figure out what is the root of the problem for it to be fixed.

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About a couple months ago, we started fighting a lot again and our faighting is bad. When we fight, we walks out and we won't talk for at least 2 or 3 days. And most of the time, he doesn't want to talk about our problems

Why would you want to stay with a person that doesn't see any value in your relationship. He doesn't want to fight for you, doesn't want to fix things, if you two do decide to get back together, his attitude will never change. You will always be the only one asking the question, always in pain, always trying to figure things out. Just remember "it takes two to make any relationship work"
Think hard.. Do you really want to be with a person, that doesn't want to fight FOR YOU when things gets hard.

Well I think it would be impossible for anyone to have a lifetime relationship with this man if he will not talk , communication is key to a healthy relationship! And he is reluctant to even try, so really its hopeless! Maybe Google how important communicating is for a relationship, print it out, and tell him to read it! Tell him, there is no use pursuing or getting back together ever, if you can't communicate with me. Of course you will continue to build up with anger, because the problems were never resolved with communication! It's a lost cause unless he can communicate!

First thing first I want to say that both of you have each immature side here

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Not long after, I started dating a new guy. Im not sure if I started dating him out of anger towards my ex hanging out with a new girl or if I actually had feelings for him.

SO you broke up with your ex and you jumped straight into another relationship which was obviously a relationship which being used to get over your anger and sadness toward your ex and not to mention that when your ex contacted you back to get back with you, you just accepted him without any consideration, what happened to the guy you dated? You abandoned him?

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Everything seemed to be going so good and we started planning a future life for ourselves. About a couple months ago, we started fighting a lot again and our faighting is bad. When we fight, we walks out and we won't talk for at least 2 or 3 days. And most of the time, he doesn't want to talk about our problems, so that just makes me hold anger towards him.

Ok I don't know and don't care about who did what and who was wrong whenever both of you fought but obviously a matured couple should ALWAYS ALWAYS sit down and discuss matter like an adult whenever problems occurred in a relationship before, I was in this kind of relationship before where my partner was really immature and would gave me silent treatment whenever we fought and well it gave great pressure on me and probably on her part too and not to mention that by doing this kind of thing it won't patch things up but instead adding more gap between you both. Like the previous posters pointed out communication is the most important in relationship especially if you want long term and committed relationship.

In short words I want to point out that both you and your boyfriend should improve and be act more mature before you can begin another relationship, I don't know whether this next rleationship will be with your ex boyfriend again or another people but yeah you got what I said. As for the paying thing and the dog... well you should discuss it together.

You have been trying to make this work for 5 years, and if you cannot honestly communicate to resolve your issues, or at least make rules for how to disagree, then you will never be in a very healthy relationship.

Hard to have honest communications with just yourself though, isn't it. That will never work until he is willing to participate. While its easy to enjoy an amazing relationship when things are great, the work comes when things are not. Then its not so amazing. I think you think very hard before you think of hooking it up with him again, if he can't talk, leave him alone, and just do for just YOU.

Update:

So its been exactly one week since the break up, and roughly 48 hours since no contact. I would have to say this past weekend has probably been one of the hardest weekends I have ever been through. Sadly to say, I just stay in bed all weekend and sobbed in my sorrows. While laying in bed, I did some thinking.

First off, I am confused as to why if I am the one who broke off the relationship, why I am still in such pain. If this is what I felt was best for me, or both of us for that matter, why do I feel so depressed?
As bad as I know this is, I keep thinking to myself, "what if i did this differently" or "what if I tried a little harder". I know thinking about the "what ifs" is not going to change anything, but I do not know how to get those thoughts out of my head. In addition to that, I keep wondering to myself if he is as miserable as me right now? I hope that he would not be content with us breaking up after 5 years, but all I think about is what if he isn't miserable and has come to terms with what has happened.

The worst part of all this to me is I keep going over thoughts in my heads about what I would say to him if he contacts me. I know this is holding onto false hope and I cannot completely get over this is I am still holding onto hope, but how do I get rid of these thoughts? Part of me hopes he will not contact me so I can move on, but the other part of me hopes he does contact me (mainly to ease my mind and know he does still care). Also, if he hasn't tried to contact me yet, so this mean he doesn't care anymore? Or is he simply trying to evalute everything that has happened? Even if he did contact me, what are the changes of him actually changing?

Has anyone ever had these thoughts before? Thanks for taking the time to read. Any advice and kind words would be very helpful.

We have ALL had those thoughts and the feelings of depression, or at least extreme sadness after we get dumped, or when we have to dump someone that was a big part of us. Its what us humans do when we hurt, feel bad and think.

I highly suggestion reading these stickies and see how we all have dealt with our own very similar to your situation. Its all about getting busy, healing, and rebuilding which requires work on your part.

After an argument I always had the 'I wish I had said... ' because hindsight lets you replay and re-analyze everything said and done in a rational and logical way.

I used to have the "what if's" pangs and yes its easy to be swept away in the 'ideal' scenario and how you'd say it, when, where... but it never happens. What we neglect to take into account is the other persons reactions and feedbacks. So effectively it'll never happen. It's completely whimsical.

If he contacts you go to the middle ground and go nonchalant. It'll hold you in a better frame of mind on the off chance he's moved on.. or flipside.. he's in a mess just like you. It'll help stop the emotional 'i miss you.. ' and will give you a better grounding for the initial communication barrier.

So its been a couple of days since I been to the site. For an update, we have broken no contact because he did have some things to sort out (bank accounts, phone bills, house bills) things like that. I think once we figure everything out, we will go back to no contact. It doesn't seem to be getting any eaasier. At times, I get a weird feeling because in my head, I know this break up is for the best, but in my heart, I can't seem to accept the break up. Why is this? How come if I know this is break up is the best thing, why does it still hurt? I try to keep busy with friends and family, but I don't seem to have the energy to want to do anything. I am always thinking about what he is doing and why he doesn't want to be with me when I have given him all the love I have for 5 years.

I just felt like coming on the site and venting because it usually makes me feel better. I broke down once time and asked him why he didn't want to fight to make this relationship work after 5 years of being together and he said its because he can't take me anymore because I start all the fights. I tried to explain to him that it takes two people to fight, but he just kept blaming everything on me. I then asked him why he would never talk to me respectfully when we fight and he just said because there's nothing we ever need to talk about it. When we were together, he would just say he wants to just forget about it and never wanted to talk.

Like I said before, I know this break up is for the best, and even though I am the one who ended the relationship, I am still having a hard time accepting that this man will not be in my future anymore. Any advice and words would be apprecaited. Thank you.

I know that your hurting and you will for awhile. There is no magic pill to take that pain away.

There is something that you can do, it just take a few minutes and it something that you can look at, as to why you are not together. I had a friend recommend this to me. It did help.

Anyway--make a list as to why you are THANKFUL HE Won't BE THE MAN IN YOUR LIFE ANYMORE.
For ex: He won't be around to accuse me that I start evey fight.
2. I will never allow him to disrespect me again.
And so on...

Just this type of list don't mark down why you miss him or anything like that, just above. When you start questioning yourself refer to this list.

I know that you broke it off and you are still going to question yourself, but remember the look on his face when he accused you of being all the blame for everything going wrong, that he didn't do anything wrong. So for #3 on your list you can mark down that you will have more room since you won't have his angel wings in the way!! Take care

Thank you so much. That's a really great idea. I hope it works as well for me as it did for you.