I love her but cant have her and its killing me
Hi
About a month ago I broke up with my girlfriend, she took it very badly to begin with and accidentally smashed my car window in a fit of rage. It was such a scary night, she ran off into the woods and stuff and I thought she was going to kill one of us. This break followed about 2 months of breaking and making up which is why she took it so badly. I however found it easier to let go at the time because I had got used to breaking up with her. The reason for the break is my fault. I met another girl at work who I found pretty attractive and after a while I started feeling like I wanted a new girl friend, perhaps this girl I met at work. I think I felt like this because I've only ever had one girlfriend (the one I recently broke up with), I have low self esteem and so feel like I need the attention of another girl to feel worth something. Particularly because I'm twenty. And I've only had one girlfriend. That spells loser to me. Also me and my girlfriend had been together for just over two years so although I was still having a lot of fun with her and still loving her, the relationship had lost its spark.
Now a month later I find myself lost. I still love my ex, I've been looking at the photos of times we've had together and find myself asking why I destroyed our relationship. She has met a new guy now and went on a date recently and its killing me. I feel like I've taken the best part of my life, my only true friend, the one person I feel closer to than myself, perhaps my perfect companion and pushed her away and made her resent me. I am her first love and she is mine, we lost our virginity together, she's the most significant person in my life ever, and now because of me she is dating other guys.
Today I told her I still love her, and she told me she did too, but she wants to move on because we can't go backwards. I know its probably best if we both move on, but I don't think I want to. I think I may be bi-polar which means I spend about half my life being depressed, this makes everything very hard. I often think about suicide and wish that we had both died together in the height of our relationship. When I was with her I had hope to carry on but now I've lost interest in everything. I feel like I could survive this, but I will never truly be happy as I always return to being depressed. And frankly I can be bothered.
She said she wants me to be happy, and that she going to help me try by forcing me to do stuff I need to do to improve my life like getting a new job, even if it means I end up hating her. She is truly a beautiful loving person.
Im tempted to ask for her back but I think I need to let her be happy without me, however I can't carry on without her. I'm stuck. I hate myself and my life. I don't know what to do.
Please help