Ask Me Help Desk - Closure.is it over or not?

Hi,
I recently found out that my partner cheated on me with his X of 5 years (they broke up about a year ago). We have been together for almost a year and WHAM the X is in the picture. We never fought at all. I feel devastated and betrayed, but at the same time I felt sorry for him knowing that he just lost both his parents within a month period. It is hard to admit for anyone to say 'I messed up'. But he did and it eased a lot of the pain that I was going through.
I asked him if we could start over and he said that he has a lot of things to finish with the X. That left me hanging right there. All I want is closure and I don't want to start a new one without finishing up the old. I called his house, phone number is changed. I called his work, he would not pick up. Could this be the reason so he can think clearly?
Instead of him calling, the X got a hold of my number through his redial option in his phone a while back. Calls me everyday telling me that they are going to work it out and that I was just a phase, and that I was not loved. I feel this X is obsessed with my partner and could not accept the breakup that happened a year ago and will not be satisfied until he break up ours which he succeeded I am sorry to say.
I don't know what to. I feel this relationship is hanging I think the word to use is Closure. That's what I need is closure. I don't want to leave this door open where somewhere down the line the bad person is actually the person you are destined to be with.
I don't know if I should keep calling his work (works alone btw). Or wait until he is ready to call me. I believe everyone falls down and deserves at least 1 more chance.
I feel so confused and hurt, I really could use an advice.

Thank you very much in advance,
Hurtfulthings

ps.
I asked myself 'why am I the one pursuing when I am the victim'? Maybe I don't want to lose a good thing.

I can't be that good if he cheated and is still seeing the ex and not talking to you.Yet you still make excuses for him with the false hope he will be back. Come on, start looking out for yourself and leave these fools to their own drama. You don't need closure, you need the fastest thing you can get going out of this chaos. The longer you stay the longer you suffer. No butts, No excuses. Move on.

It sounds like he's a coward.

He made his choice. You deserve more. Write him off. There are definitely better guys out there for you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by niniback

Hi,
I recently found out that my partner cheated on me with his X of 5 years (they broke up about a year ago).

Still cheating, no matter who it was with.

Quote:

Originally Posted by niniback

We have been together for almost a year and WHAM the X is in the picture.

The reality is the ex never left the picture. She was just in the background and it sounds like you were used as emotional leverage or a way to distraught from the break up a year ago. Anyone that leaves a 5 year relationship then jumps into another one isn’t ready for a relationship. If they are then that should tell you what they think about the person they spent 5 years with and how they would treat you.

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Originally Posted by niniback

We never fought at all. I feel devasted and betrayed, but at the same time I felt sorry for him knowing that he just lost both his parents within a month period.

I’m going to play Dr. Phil here but maybe losing both his parents emotionally drove him back to someone he was safe with that being his ex. With his emotional state being so low, it would only be natural for him to seek some kind of stability and even though she’s an ex, she’s still a solid emotional foundation that he knows and understands.

Quote:

Originally Posted by niniback

It is hard to admit for anyone to say 'I messed up'. But he did and it eased alot of the pain that I was going through.

That’s cool that he could, and I actually give him credit for admitting his mistakes instead of hiding them or lying about them. But your with a guy that is not interested in you at the level you are him.

Quote:

Originally Posted by niniback

I asked him if we could start over and he said that he has alot of things to finish with the X. That left me hanging right there. All I want is closure and I dont want to start a new one without finishing up the old.

If after a year he still has thing to finish up with the ex then it’s over. That’s probably his nice way of letting you know that he’s going back to her but it’s over.

Quote:

Originally Posted by niniback

I called his house, phone number is changed I called his work, he would not pick up. Could this be the reason so he can think clearly?

Niniback, no offense but it’s not him that can’t think clearly. If he changed his number and didn’t tell you that tells me that your not letting on as much as you want us to believe. For somebody to go through the trouble of changing there number you had to be stalking or harassing them A LOT. It’s over, he’s cheated on you, admitted it, apologized, and asked you to leave him alone so he can work it out with his ex. When that wasn’t enough for you, you apparently kept bothering him to the point he had to change phone numbers.

Quote:

Originally Posted by niniback

Instead of him calling, the X got a hold of my number thru his redial option in his phone a while back. Calls me everyday telling me that they are going to work it out and that I was just a phase, and that I was not loved. I feel this X is obsessed with my partner and could not accept the breakup that happened a year ago and will not be satisfied until he break up ours which he succeeded I am sorry to say.

What exactly about this don’t you get? You’re the one obsessed. She wants you to leave her boyfriend alone. He’s cheated on you. He’s told you he’s going back to her. It’s over. Leave them be and figure out why your needing all this excess and self abusing drama in your life. Then correct it.

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Originally Posted by niniback

I dont know what to.

Quit contacting them.

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Originally Posted by niniback

I feel this relationship is hanging I think the word to use is Closure. Thats what I need is closure.

This phase of your life is closed. It’s over. It’s done. He was not as into you as you were him. He has a girlfriend of 5 years that he wants to keep going with. That doesn’t mean you’re a bad catch, it just means he has more time, love, energy, and emotion invested in her. It’s understandable and it’s time to end it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by niniback

I dont want to leave this door open where somewhere down the line the bad person is actually the person you are destined to be with.

?? How are you destined to be with this person?

Quote:

Originally Posted by niniback

I dont know if I should keep calling his work (works alone btw).

He doesn’t want to speak to you. Reread your own post. He changed his phone number to get away from you. His girlfriend has told you to leave them alone. He refuses to talk to you. What about that says, “Maybe I should keep calling?”

Quote:

Originally Posted by niniback

Or wait until he is ready to call me. I believe everyone falls down and deserves at least 1 more chance.

I agree to that everybody falls down. But it’s one thing to make a mistake or say something stupid in the course of the relationship. In fact that’s probably going to happen. But he left you to go back to his ex of 5 years. That’s where his heart is. Let it go. It’s over.

Quote:

Originally Posted by niniback

I feel so confused and hurt, I really could use an advice.

Thank you very much in advance,
Hurtfulthings

ps.
I asked myself 'why am I the one pursuing when I am the victim'? Maybe I dont want to lose a good thing.

I’m glad you wrote that last line. Keep asking yourself that. But he’s not a good thing. He’s a cheater and he’s somebody that should not have been dating anybody after 5 years. It’s not going to work out with him and the longer you obsess over him the more disservice you are doing to yourself. You should have moved on the instance he cheated. Then when he went back with his ex. Then when he quit talking to you. Then when he changed his phone number. Then when his girlfriend told you to stay away. It’s been over for awhile, accept it and know that somebody else is worth your time.

Thanks to all that responded. I read it over and over and over until it sank in my mind. BUT...
(I am going to get whipped for what I am about to ask =( I hope not)

Why am I still in limbo?
The X called me asking if I know his new number and the number of his work, I said no. And started asking me if I saw him yesterday or today or have spoken to him ever since... and I said no. Now, he is hiding from the X so I don't know what's going on but anyway.

I said to the X, "Please do not call me anymore. I am moving on and you should too."
It felt great to say it! But again.

Why am I still in limbo?
Its like a video recorder that keeps playing in my mind. I know some people do not like the word "Closure" but maybe this is what I needed.

I said to him before I left in a calm attitude, "You need to move on with your life, its not me that you want to be with."

Tears gushed down his face nonstop, "I messed up, I messed up. I messed up big time. I don't want to say goodbye. I don't want to lose you."

Picked up every little item of stuff that I own in his house. Out of anger he gave me back everything that I have given him.

I don't want to say the word "C**sure". But I needed something to end it. An "OK" would have been great but it was left hanging.

So today as my 'ending part'.
-I took all the stuff, placed it in a bag so Monday I can donate it to goodwill.
-Erased my computer and cell phone of memories. Happy memories will always be in my mind.
-Sat down... made myself burst into tears so to let out whatever it is that is inside me.
-Got a few pieces of paper and wrote him a letter expressing my inner most deepest feelings.. my anger.. my hurt and at the end of the letter I said "goodbye."
-Placed it in the envelope, with a stamp. And left it my drawer. I will not mail that letter at all.

Is this enough to call it 'the end part'? Then why do I still feel in limbo...

Thanks so much again for the responses. I deserved the whacking on the back of my head to... WAKE UP! <hugs>

sounds like he was testing the waters to see where you were in you life. He put the hook aka the apology then when you responded favorably he yanked it away. The fact he's in virtual hiding should tell you sweetie that he's a dog and you need to verbally hit him with a rolled up newspaper instead of trying to get hm back from the dog pound.aka his must be X.
next time she calls and tells you hurtful things, let if slide off your elegant goddess back. Even let her know he once had fleas. That he lost the best thing he had and had to settle with her.
then go live your life and find someone else to sip mojitos with while skinny dipping.
sometimes the only way we can have closure is to give it to ourselves.

UPDATE:

1 month after

Whew it is HAARD. So far I am following what others have recommended in this forum regarding the 'no contact rule' regarding ex's. I came sooo close as to pressing the last number of my ex phone number but I put the phone down. Then I came so close as to passing by where he lives/hangout but made a u turn and went back home.

Went out with friends dancing. Kept myself busy at all times.

My question is...

Is it normal to miss your ex more than the first couple of weeks when you broke up? This is driving me crazy. Now all I can think about is him. But I still refuse to call. He still hasn't called either. If I do call and get rejected, its starting over to box 1. Is it normal that I feel this way? I am still aiming for the 3rd month of no contact... hopefully I make it.

This is normal... By thrd month, you should be done... But who's to say... maybe sooner or later. Just keep happy and enjoy your life!

Yes it so normal to have those feeling after a break up. Hell, I've had them for 35 years and counting. The difference is I got healthy and learned the mature way to deal with those feelings. Having and acknowledging them is no shame. Acting on them is a shame. As I say they will always be there.

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Originally Posted by niniback

Is it normal to miss your ex more than the first couple of weeks when you broke up?

Yes, it's been a little over 4 months since my ex fiancé broke up with me and I still miss her, buts it's not as bad as before. Or unless I want to still miss her.

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Originally Posted by niniback

This is driving me crazy.

Yes its going to for a while, It did for me in the beginning, until you try to let go!

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Originally Posted by niniback

Now all I can think about is him.

You are goint to for a long time, I still think about her and her son almost all the time, unless I keep myself busy.

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Originally Posted by niniback

If I do call and get rejected, its starting over to box 1.

Yes, do not call because YOU will be back to square on

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Originally Posted by niniback

Is it normal that I feel this way? ]

Yes, read other posts here, It helps me a lot to get threw this.