I'm 31 she's 22. We met two years ago. She seemed mature for her age and was instantly attracted to her. It wasn't till I was madly in love with her that I realized she had emotional baggage as she did everything at first to make me want her. Sent me pics and did everything I ever wanted in the bedroom. I adored everything about her. She met my family got on so well with my mum but the problem was her family. They weren't happy I had a daughter and the age gap and different religion etc. When my ex first told her family she was strong but eventually things started to change with her and she would need space and with it being long distance I would go down every week to see her on her lunch break and just for sex which was amazing with her.

She had many issues needed constant attention and a promiscuous past but thought I had changed her. The day she broke up with me I ended up putting the phone down as I was annoyed it being our anniversary and that her cousin was also with her. After that she changed her number and blocked me from fb because I kept messaging her and emailing. 5 days later I turned up to her work only for her to blank me and then callously wrote a letter and got her colleague to give to me stating that if she chose her family I'd leave her alone and hadn't and it annoyed her and that she changed her number because I kept calling her and that she was annoyed about my mum suggesting that we should just have a court marriage and she can’t be with someone who already has a family and that she can’t be with someone who found it so easy to move in with his ex but couldn't be in her life to support her and what she meant by that was that I should have been there to tell her parents with her and that I should have moved to be with her.

Then she sent an email while with her colleagues stating that if she felt threatened by my overbearing presence that she would call the police. Since then I've spoken to her and her family a few times and she has screwed my head up saying that she chose her head over heart because I wasn’t there for her. How she's been on dates even though her dad said later she said out of spite. I've endured shock grief denial and even now a part of me wants to beg her to arrange to meet me because I almost feel that if she saw it would all change. She also is middle class and I'm working class and shell be going to do her PGCE at a top uni soon and told me she was too important and screamed that she had no feeling for me. I know she's moved on because she always rebounds from relationship to relationship and it hurts because I felt we had a connection and the love was genuine and now I'm so confused and it’s been 6 weeks since the breakup but four days since I last spoke.

How do I be strong after this? I saw a future with her because I knew she’d have a wonderful career and I wanted to be a part of that and to set up a business that would make her see me as a better man. I'm just so messed up and I don't find enjoyment in anything. Went football today and felt like crying while playing. I am also going with issues with my child's mother as she is not letting me see my daughter. And I had to overcome that and saw a life with this girl as a silver lining and can't get over what I thought I was going to have. Please does anyone have any help?

Not much.. you get through the pain and grief the way we all do, by keeping busy AND no contact. It does sound like you were stalking her, and showing up at someone's work is a huge no-no.
Don't blame her, and don't blame yourself. People going off to uni almost always have a tough time staying with someone. It would have happened regardless of working class or whatever she is, even if you had been going off to some other school or a job paying 6 figures or your own business - doesn't change anything, really. And here, age does matter, because she's at some critical stage of her life.

I was divorced after 7 yrs of marriage, then remarried for 30 yrs. It happens to a lot of us. You can recover, and it will take time. If you have a legal right to see your child, and your ex-wife won't let you, please see a lawyer. At least you can get that straightened out. Good luck.

First be honest with yourself. You don't control her thoughts, feelings, or actions. If she doesn't want to be with you then she doesn't want to be with you. There's nothing you can do about that.

Again be honest with yourself. She has many issues going on. Are you remembering all those or just remembering only the good things about her? Do you want a relationship filled with drama and stress? I know I wouldn't.

You need to keep yourself busy. Keep playing footie and exercising. Trust me as each day passes you will feel better and better. And learn from this - meaning next time get to know someone well before jumping in with both feet.

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6 weeks since the breakup but four days since I last spoke.

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Break ups suck,but when they happen its okay to grieve and mourn the loss for a while. Unfortunately you spent a good part of your 6 weeks trying to get her back so in essence your healing just started 4 days ago.

Its rough now and will be for a while, but it will get better.

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Originally Posted by joypulv

Not much.. you get through the pain and grief the way we all do, by keeping busy AND no contact. It does sound like you were stalking her, and showing up at someone's work is a huge no-no.
Don't blame her, and don't blame yourself. People going off to uni almost always have a tough time staying with someone. It would have happened regardless of working class or whatever she is, even if you had been going off to some other school or a job paying 6 figures or your own business - doesn't change anything, really. And here, age does matter, because she's at some critical stage of her life.

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Just to clarify I always used to pick her up or surprise her at work and it always made her day. But as the break up was by phone and I ppd on her she had decided to be cruel towards me and ignore me when I was there which I think is really hardcore. It's just so strange the turn around. The day before she broke up with me she asked me to move to her town and was talking about marriage and kids with me and then all of a sudden its like I'm dead to her.

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Originally Posted by fredg

I was divorced after 7 yrs of marriage, then remarried for 30 yrs. It happens to a lot of us. You can recover, and it will take time. If you have a legal right to see your child, and your ex-wife won't let you, please see a lawyer. At least you can get that straightened out. Good luck.

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Hi, just wonder how old you were when this happened and what's steps you made to recover?

Dude it often happens when you keep pursuing someone that has dumped you. You have subjected yourself to her whims, and changing feelings and taken hope from them. That's a false hope. At no time did she agree to try again and commit to it, but you just kept pushing.

You should have disappeared 5 weeks ago, and started your own healing process, and never been caught up in the false hope in the first place. I realize its easier said than done, but the true life lesson to learn is you cannot make good decisions based on just feelings and no objective facts.

You knew she moved quickly from one guy to another rather quickly, and you also knew she and her family already had a problem with you, and her priority was her future career. Yet all you saw was the opportunity she represented, and the bright future ahead. I didn't have to read to far into your original post to know you were following your heart and ignoring all the red flags that were quite obvious.

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She seemed mature for her age and was instantly attracted to her. It wasn't till I was madly in love with her that I realized she had emotional baggage as she did everything at first to make me want her.

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Time to give yourself a chance to let all that emotional dust settle. 4 days and counting. She wasn't cold, she reacted because of your escalation of the whole situation. It could have been avoided, but to late now, so just move forward, one day at a time.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Dude it often happens when you keep pursuing someone that has dumped you. You have subjected yourself to her whims, and changing feelings and taken hope from them. Thats a false hope. At no time did she agree to try again and commit to it, but you just kept pushing.

You should have disappeared 5 weeks ago, and started your own healing process, and never been caught up in the false hope in the first place. I realize its easier said than done, but the true life lesson to learn is you cannot make good decisions based on just feelings and no objective facts.

You knew she moved quickly from one guy to another rather quickly, and you also knew she and her family already had a problem with you, and her priority was her future career. Yet all you saw was the opportunity she represented, and the bright future ahead. I didn't have to read to far into your original post to know you were following your heart and ignoring all the red flags that were quite obvious.



Time to give yourself a chance to let all that emotional dust settle. 4 days and counting. She wasn't cold, she reacted because of your escalation of the whole situation. It could have been avoided, but to late now, so just move forward, one day at a time.

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Thank you for your advice... I wish I was strong enough to take it. I called her today while her mum was there. And she said she loved me but wasn't dating anyone else and that she was able to move on quickly because I put the phone down on her. It's like she's gone back to who she was.. an ice queen which she mentioned she could be. She said she wasn't good for me and that I'm such a decent guy. She said it was a mistake for her to be how she was with me and that she had to do best by her family as they would never agree. She said she needed a clean break from me as she had to focus on her career etc. I ve literally just cried my eyes out. I've deleted all our happy memories but still have our messages and what I think is the hardest is deleting the very intimate pics and videos we had. No other girl turns me on right now.. and I want to get past that stage.. any help I'm so messed up right now

Who of us hasn't been there? My sweet husband of many years was much younger than I, and people told me I had to be good to him because he was so fragile, and I was, and he was the one who dumped me suddenly one day because he met a woman at his new job and she was sexy and dragged him off to do her work for her, not to love, but he fell for it, and I died a thousand deaths, and cried, and couldn't eat or sleep or not sleep or go anywhere without crying and bringing other people down - and I could go on in one long sentence all day. We have ALL been there!

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Originally Posted by joypulv

Who of us hasn't been there? My sweet husband of many years was much younger than I, and people told me I had to be good to him because he was so fragile, and I was, and he was the one who dumped me suddenly one day because he met a woman at his new job and she was sexy and dragged him off to do her work for her, not to love, but he fell for it, and I died a thousand deaths, and cried, and couldn't eat or sleep or not sleep or go anywhere without crying and bringing other people down - and I could go on in one long sentence all day. We have ALL been there!

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My goodness I'm sorry to hear that... its so hard when you've helped a person to grow and they can end up being so callous in the end. I'm literally In my pjs writing this and have been in bed most of the day and not ate. Please tell me how long this pain lasted for you and what things you were able to do to recover?

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Originally Posted by vigilante1981

My goodness I'm sorry to hear that...its so hard when you've helped a person to grow and they can end up being so callous in the end. I'm literally In my pjs writing this and have been in bed most of the day and not ate. Please tell me how long this pain lasted for you and what things you were able to do to recover?

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"In my pjs writing this and have been in bed most of the day and not ate."

Really? You realize that you are choosing to feel like this, right? Breakups are difficult, yes we all know that. We have all been through them and have survived.

Control the things you can control and don't worry about the things you can't control. Such as - you do not control her feelings, thoughts, actions, etc. So accept that. You do control your feelings, thoughts, actions, etc. And you aren't helping yourself. You stayed in bed all day in your PJs while I am sure not taking a shower. Now is that going to make you feel better or worse?

Do the things that will make you feel better. Take a shower and go out for a long jog, go for a walk, go to the gym, go hang out with friends that have been missing you. Once you start doing these things and start occupying your brain, each day will get better and better.

So you have a choice. You can stay in bed and wallow in self pity or you can choose to have a good day. Given the choice I would rather have a good day every day.

Also what messed me up was that after 9 months into relationship she told her family and then broke up with me then begged me back two days later and we got back without her parents knowledge. It then got serious and a year later she told her family again because she said she wanted to be with me... but things changed and she strung me along for a month saying she believed her parents would agree but they didn't. Today when I spoke to her she was calm at times but then got emotional at how she wished I could move on and how bad she was for me... this pain is unbearable at times... the first 3 weeks were torture though as it was consumed by thoughts of her with someome else... right now I'm consumed by grief because almost feel that she's had to toughen up for the sake of her career and family.

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Originally Posted by Oliver2011

"In my pjs writing this and have been in bed most of the day and not ate."

Really? You realize that you are choosing to feel like this, right? Breakups are difficult, yes we all know that. We have all been through them and have survived.

Control the things you can control and don't worry about the things you can't control. Such as - you do not control her feelings, thoughts, actions, etc. So accept that. You do control your feelings, thoughts, actions, etc. And you aren't helping yourself. You stayed in bed all day in your PJs while I am sure not taking a shower. Now is that going to make you feel better or worse?

Do the things that will make you feel better. Take a shower and go out for a long jog, go for a walk, go to the gym, go hang out with friends that have been missing you. Once you start doing these things and start occupying your brain, each day will get better and better.

So you have a choice. You can stay in bed and wallow in self pity or you can choose to have a good day. Given the choice I would rather have a good day every day.

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I know you're right. My brain tells me your right. I've scoured the internet read self help books. Talked to friends non stop. Made an appointment for psychological well being.

Deep down when I was 20 I met my child's mother and had our daughter when I was 22. The relationship was a bad experience. So bad that I moved to London to get away. Even though I was depressed at not seeing my daughter I did the best I could I went to the gym... volunteered and felt great at 29. Dated here and there and then this girl turned my world upside down. For me this was my real first experience of true love. I found myself forgetting me and put everything in a future with this girl. All we spoke about was what we would do in the future. My motivation eventually became to do anything to have a future with her... start a business or any job I'd do ir to make her happy... and now I have no motivation. Having met this girl in London and then moving away to try and see my daughter we gained a connection in my brain through our minds. Even though physicallly we would see each other at least once a month. And the thought of never hearing from her again just hurts. It's weird because I only truly started loving her after all the conversation then it came to the point where I adored everything about her... just need to know how to make myself happy

You may as well read this since you are bedridden with grief.

Relationships - Ask Me Help Desk

These are called stickies. They are a compilation of how other have handled your situation. READ them.

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Originally Posted by vigilante1981

I know you're right. My brain tells me your right. I've scoured the internet read self help books. Talked to friends non stop. Made an appointment for psychological well being.

Deep down when I was 20 I met my child's mother and had our daughter when I was 22. The relationship was a bad experience. So bad that I moved to London to get away. Even though I was depressed at not seeing my daughter I did the best I could I went to the gym...volunteered and felt great at 29. Dated here and there and then this girl turned my world upside down. For me this was my real first experience of true love. I found myself forgetting me and put everything in a future with this girl. All we spoke about was what we would do in the future. My motivation eventually became to do anything to have a future with her...start a business or any job I'd do ir to make her happy...and now I have no motivation. Having met this girl in London and then moving away to try and see my daughter we gained a connection in my brain through our minds. Even though physicallly we would see each other at least once a month. And the thought of never hearing from her again just hurts. It's weird bc I only truly started loving her after all the conversation then it came to the point where I adored everything about her...just need to know how to make myself happy

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"just need to know how to make myself happy"

You need to determine what makes you happy. I cannot. But I promise you it will never be staying in your PJs all day, staying in bed all day, wallowing in pity, and just thinking negative thoughts all the time.

Why would you ever allow someone else to have this much control over you? You need to be content and happy before you meet a person that you are interested in having a relationship with and you need to be content and happy at the end of the relationship. Only then we you be truly happy.

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Originally Posted by Oliver2011

"just need to know how to make myself happy"

You need to determine what makes you happy. I cannot. But I promise you it will never be staying in your PJs all day, staying in bed all day, wallowing in pity, and just thinking negative thoughts all the time.

Why would you ever allow someone else to have this much control over you? You need to be content and happy before you meet a person that you are interested in having a relationship with and you need to be content and happy at the end of the relationship. Only then we you be truly happy.

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I'm trying to make myself happy. Have been on so many web pages on how to get over an ex etc and self help websites. Even watched the secret last night and felt OK but then today had the overwhelming urge to ring her and ask where it all went wrong. Throughout the relationship she kept saying how she would be hurt whatever she chooses and yet when I last asked her she had dumped our memories a couple of days later and said she was over me same day of break up. I keep wanting to ask how she managed to move on so quick... was there someone else all along.. its like the two years we had meant nothing... all that talk of me being her husband was like a pile of crap... yet I was the first person she had ever let use no protection with her and now its all gone. I go back to my life as retail worker and trying to set up a business I have no motivation for because I was doing it all for her. I literally feel so weak after the initial heartache depression period. Have the shakes, played football the other day and all my pace had gone... appetite is out the window... I just want to be able to stop thinking about her?

Did you read the stickies? Its all about how you manage your time, and leave her alone. Its about managing and coping with YOUR own feelings in new mature ways.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Did you read the stickies? Its all about how you manage your time, and leave her alone. Its about managing and coping with YOUR own feelings in new mature ways.

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I've read some of them. Do you have any advice on how to shift focus? Have you experienced anything like this before? Thank you for your replies the fact anyone replying is a massive help

You have a daughter, be a great dad and focus on her,and have family,friends and activities that you enjoy.

For those alone times, have chores or projects planned, hobbies are great, or volunteer. Its about building a better YOU. That's the focus. When he pops in your head, get up and have something to do.

You heal quickly when you figure out what to do with yourself that's enjoyable. Patience, nobody moves on over night after a two year relationship. Takes time to form new habits, new ways of thinking, and acting.

Back in the day, learning a new skill helped me focus, and succeed in the healing/rebuilding process. Above all, read ALL the stickies. Knowledge and experience is great, but its actions on your own behalf.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

You have a daughter, be a great dad and focus on her,and have family,friends and activities that you enjoy.

For those alone times, have chores or projects planned, hobbies are great, or volunteer. Its about building a better YOU. Thats the focus. When he pops in your head, get up and have something to do.

You heal quickly when you figure out what to do with yourself thats enjoyable. Patience, nobody moves on over night after a two year relationship. Takes time to form new habits, new ways of thinking, and acting.

Back in the day, learning a new skill helped me focus, and succeed in the healing/rebuilding process. Above all, read ALL the stickies. Knowledge and experience is great, but its actions on your own behalf.

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Thank you for your advice. I have actually bookmarked the sticky on what to do after a break up that you posted. But like an idiot I rang her house today... her mum picked up and put the phone down. I rang because they told me all Jewellery I had sent was being returned to me by post... but I know its an excuse deep Down about being able to get answers from her about how her feelings switched from deep love to sheer coldness as it has affected myself esteem so badly. Any tips on improving this? The hardest times for me is knowing times when she finishes work and the off chance she will be home alone so I can talk to her. I need to stop but can't help it. It's been six weeks and I feel like a nutcase but Don't want to be. Everyone says forget her but I put so much in and felt like this was the one and stuff she said like even if we broke up that she would end up with me somehow really plays and can't believe its just lies. I'm fighting a constant battle in my mind atm