Letting go of a great girl. How to do it with dignity?
Dear members,
I have recently gone through a break up and I found myself reading these as a way to stay positive, productive, and in a path of healing. Then I thought it wouldn't hurt to ask a question myself, which has probably been answered on other threads, but time is of the essence.
It has been 4 days since my girlfriend broke up with me and there are a few loose ends that I would like to know what you guys think is the best way to handle them.
My ex-girlfriend will be leaving for a work assignment similar to the peace corps in two weeks. I was invited to her going-away party and I was planning on going, but now, since she broke up with me, I don't think I would feel too comfortable being there. I know I am merely projecting myself into the future, but I just see myself breaking the progress I have made in the last four days (I think you guys can see where my thread is going). I am torn because part of me wants to be there to say goodbye, part of me wants to show her I am doing okay, part of me (a very secret, potent part) wants to be there in shining glory, healthy and changed so that if she were to see me and see how I have changed, her heart might change, and I would have the opportunity to have her back, part of me is so afraid of what I truly believe will happen if I go there: I will spend most all of the time standing in corner by myself, holding a drink in one hand and thinking about her the entire time like a human size bug trying to hide in human clothing hoping no one can tell what is odd about me.
There is a gift I was making for her that is almost complete, but I feel it has lost its value because I feel rejected. The gift was a book of little souvenirs from all the places, restaurants, events we went to in our 10 months together.
I was trying to put together a little going away celebration for her with my personal rock climbing friends that got to know her from our time climbing (she got into through me). Part of me thinks I would be confusing things by even doing this, part of me thinks it is the right thing to do because besides this breakup, she made some good acquaintances due to me and the climbing group I am in, and part of me thinks it I just don't have enough perspective to make a good decision regarding this, because she is my first real relationship ( I am 35, complete late bloomer) and I am still pretty hurt about what happened. Part of me wants to just say to myself, Grow up!
Her birthday will be two days after she leaves and I was planning on sending her a special cake from a vegan bakery we enjoy (the same place she got me my birthday cake just a month before), and making her a birthday card (the idea was already thought out) and sending her a gift, but again, it was thought during the time we were still together, and right now everything feels odd to consider her.
Part of me wants nothing to do with her in order to give her space—I am still working on where I fit into this because I want to be with her.
The break up came as a complete a shock, but hearing some of her reasons, I can understand more of what she was feeling. Using other words, she said that I was putting her on a high pedestal and didn't feel comfortable about it. I still think highly about her and still feel love for her, I only wish we could have worked that out while we were still in the relationship--isn't that what couples do? I know I would have done everything to improve that part of myself because I choose to be with her, and my narrow perspective of putting her on a pedestal got the best of me.
Also, I want to keep the door open to her on my side if she would choose to come back to me, however, I have little hope that she would do this because I feel she really gave it her all and discovered this part of me.
I am not sure if this gives you all a full background to the issue, but something tells me some members like Talaniman, Chuff, All heart, Forever Zero, and LBP have seen these kinds of situations before. If you have questions, please feel free to let me know and I'll answer them as best as I can.
I am just looking to open my perspective a bit on how to handle the next couple of weeks.
When the "spark" is gone/when feelings change
When the spark is gone/when feelings change.
Dear members,
It has been a two months since my most recent breakup. Emotionally I am doing okay and things are becoming better, but I have few lingering concerns that I would like to sort out, and haven't been able to. I am posting this in hopes to get your feedback to just that.
During my previous breakup, a major part of the pain was holding on to a concept I had about being in love to the reality of my situation. I believed since we uttered “those special words” and were in a loving relationship, we created something strong that wouldn't break easily; something that goes beyond understanding. I would beat myself up wondering how she could break up with me when she said that she loved me.
After that breakup, I was reading articles about relationships online to relieve some of the pain, and I came across one that described relationships in phases, the “honeymoon” phase being first. It was a lifesaver! That article gave me a more realistic perspective on relationships and even though the girl I was involved with and I were serious about each other from the start, I was able to see that we were still getting to know each other. The relationship was special to me, and I valued it like no other; every day was a blessing, I had no reason to judge the time we were spending together. There was no way to predict her skiing accident that, in a way, tore us apart. In total, we were together for two and a half months. After the break up, I realized that even though our feelings ran deep, we didn't have much time to know those feelings.
The break up with my most recent girl, RM, caught me completely off guard. I am 35 and she is 23 (when we met I thought she may have been younger, but not by very much; however, the difference in our ages wasn't a big deal). We met at the gym through doing mutual activities. I felt we took our time to get to know each other yet also rushed a little with the excitement of becoming together. We were very close from the start, and I gave her my heart, cautiously at first, yet faithfully. Our relationship was built on goodness. We saw each other often, worked out together, went to gym classes, and went out. Even on the days we couldn't see each other were beautiful in and of themselves because I would want to see her more the next time we were together. Our relationship wasn't always brilliant and full of wonder and awe, but that didn't matter because to me our relationship was perfect because it was real and ours.
I didn't want to take our relationship for granted just because we were doing well for more than a couple months, but as time went on I felt more and more for her. I wanted to keep our relationship in perspective and not automatically think that we would simply be together (something I am guilty of in the past). It felt natural to consider it work to keep it fresh, like keeping a tidy home. I felt with the time we had spent together and how well we were doing, we were able to really know that we wanted to be with each other. We were together for ten and a half months (remember, my longest relationship before this was my previous one that lasted for two and a half months).
She shared with me from the start that she was interested in doing an AmeriCorps project, which usually last for a year. I truly supported her going away, and every time she told me about which program she was interviewing for, she would wholeheartedly exclaim that she did not want our relationship to end. When she would say that directly it was powerful, but what really set me at ease was when she would say it indirectly.
When she was accepted, I worried that my support wasn't real like an automatic response lacking any real conviction. I supported her and what she wanted; I wanted to be by her side, and show her I would be there, but inside, I didn't know anything about long distance relationships. I didn't know what that would really involve, and how it would change things between us. I was all for being positive, but I wanted to offer more, and the acceptance to the program made these tentative changes we were pondering a reality. However, one of my proudest moments was finding the strength inside to be there for her. After two days of real soul searching, I discovered that I was strong enough to support her, and I was ready for anything and I never felt better. On the day I wanted to tell her about what I achieved, she asked if we can have “a talk”. She had realized that by the time she would be finished with the AmeriCorps position, she would be entering Law School. She didn't know which school she would attend because her LSAT test scores would determine her options. Ultimately, she said there were too many question marks in the air. That was when everything changed.
When she broke up with me, she found it difficult to talk about what she was thinking, or feeling or had gone through—she was closed off and distraught. She confessed that she wanted to tell me how she felt four weeks before when we sat down to decide what we were going to do with the coming changes a month and a half away. One of the final things she said was that the spark was gone and that she didn't feel the same way.
When I think about her and all that happened leading to the breakup, I always end up thinking, or better stated, assuming that she would have talked to me about how she was feeling to work things out and create solutions together. I thought the lesson from my previous relationship was you have to take the time to really get to know your partner, and then choose them when you are not so swayed by your feelings. Is this naïve and immature? When you are in an exclusive loving relationship, do you owe it to your significant other to share those feelings so you can work out issues? I understand that feelings can change, and a big part of me believes that if I felt like the “spark” was dwindling or my feelings were changing, I would have talked to her about it, but to be perfectly honest, I don't really know what I would have done because nothing remotely close to that ever came up between us. I loved her and I was in love with her. I would have done anything for her, and what is odd, I still feel that way even today. I know I haven't moved on. I know it is the only option, and yet I remain in this limbo.
When it comes to relationships, I feel I'm not up to speed. I was 28 when I had my first relationship, 33 when I had my first real loving relationship (the one that lasted two and a half months), and 35, my current age, when I was with someone for a significant amount of time. She is 11 years my junior, and I feel she (and everyone else I come in contact with) is light-years ahead of me, and it makes me feel inept and I don't know how to change this because you have to be in a relationship to really learn about them, right?
I know that I cannot look to anyone to get closure and that ultimately I give it to myself, but I hope I've given you enough background to my questions for your opinion.
Thank you for reading.
—Susurrus
