Ask Me Help Desk - I'm starting to question everything. Long, sorry.

I've been married to my husband for 6 months, and its been great. There's been ups and downs, but we always fix it. My problem(there's going to be a lot of these), is that he was previously married and has kids. His ex wife still cares for him, and always texts and calls. He tells me its about the kids, or child support, but it always about the kids for a second and they talk about something else. I've told him that I feel uncomfortable with him being friendly towards her. Not that we can't all be friends someday.. just not right now. It's still a lot for me to get used to. I check his phone to see what they say to each other, and they're just so chummy. She still cares for him and she's said it before (through a "drunk call") and the only reason I found out is when I go through his phone. It hurts me knowing that I can't trust him, and I feel like I have to do this, but why does he hide things from me? I has exes and I'm friends with them (hypocrite right?) And he says its just being friends like that with his ex, but I don't see it that way. I've always grew up being emotionally distant so any ex I was with, I never truly loved. I said it just so I wouldn't be alone... But then I met my husband, and he was everything I was missing in life. I wanted him to be my first everything. But he was in love with another woman before, had kids, and married her. Now I know you can't change the past, I get it, but why does of still hurt? It kills me knowing that he's been there and done that, when I'm still learning how to be a wife, let alone a second wife to a divorced man. I've tried to talk to him about it, but I just clam up and stay quiet. I don't know how to talk to him (another problem) about how I feel. I scream it on the inside, but I can't utter a peep about my feelings. I'm afraid to disappoint him? I know my husband loves me, but I feel like he's hiding the way he treats his ex around me. Which I can understand, I've become a nutcase, so he doesn't want to start any drama. But I want him to be honest with me, he doesn't tell me when she calls for stupid things, or she'll text him things from when they were together, when I'm open when any of my exes do the same. I reassure my husband when he feels insecure, but he doesn't do it to me. (Emotional breakdown) I'm so lost as to why I can't have a happy marriage these things are a problem due to my insecurity and I don't know how to shake that, I've always been this way since I was a little girl and I've seen therapists, but I never feel like I'm of any worth.. and right now I feel like my husband is liking the attention he gets from her, where I lack to speak up. Is this all my fault? What should I do?

Quote:

Originally Posted by LostInHisEyez

I've been married to my husband for 6 months, and its been great. There's been ups and downs, but we always fix it. My problem(there's going to be a lot of these), is that he was previously married and has kids. His ex wife still cares for him, and always texts and calls. He tells me its about the kids, or child support, but it always about the kids for a second and they talk about something else. I've told him that I feel uncomfortable with him being friendly towards her. Not that we can't all be friends someday..just not right now. It's still a lot for me to get used to. I check his phone to see what they say to each other, and they're just so chummy. She still cares for him and she's said it before (through a "drunk call") and the only reason I found out is when I go through his phone. It hurts me knowing that I can't trust him, and I feel like I have to do this, but why does he hide things from me? I has exes and I'm friends with them (hypocrite right?) And he says its just being friends like that with his ex, but I don't see it that way. I've always grew up being emotionally distant so any ex I was with, I never truly loved. I said it just so I wouldn't be alone... But then I met my husband, and he was everything I was missing in life. I wanted him to be my first everything. But he was in love with another woman before, had kids, and married her. Now I know you can't change the past, I get it, but why does of still hurt? It kills me knowing that he's been there and done that, when I'm still learning how to be a wife, let alone a second wife to a divorced man. I've tried to talk to him about it, but I just clam up and stay quiet. I don't know how to talk to him (another problem) about how i feel. I scream it on the inside, but I can't utter a peep about my feelings. I'm afraid to disappoint him? I know my husband loves me, but I feel like he's hiding the way he treats his ex around me. Which I can understand, I've become a nutcase, so he doesn't want to start any drama. But I want him to be honest with me, he doesn't tell me when she calls for stupid things, or she'll text him things from when they were together, when I'm open when any of my exes do the same. I reassure my husband when he feels insecure, but he doesn't do it to me. (Emotional breakdown) I'm so lost as to why I can't have a happy marriage these things are a problem due to my insecurity and I don't know how to shake that, I've always been this way since I was a little girl and I've seen therapists, but I never feel like I'm of any worth.. and right now I feel like my husband is liking the attention he gets from her, where I lack to speak up. Is this all my fault? What should I do?

First, you are his wife, not his mother. You don't get to pick his friends. You need to grow up - he's married to you, not her. If he wanted to be with her, he would still be with her. You check his phone? You invade his space?

I would expect your marriage to be very short unless you change.

She is the mother of his children - they need their parents to be united. You always knew he had children. You always knew he had an ex-wife. His children have to see your attitude.

You come across as an empty well that no one and nothing else can fill. You need to go back into therapy to find the root of this.

And, yes, I'm a stepmother with an ex-wife in the picture.

You've had problems before - is your husband one of the people in this thread? https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...le-427169.html

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

First, you are his wife, not his mother. You don't get to pick his friends. You need to grow up - he's married to you, not her. If he wanted to be with her, he would still be with her. You check his phone? You invade his space?

I would expect your marriage to be very short unless you change.

She is the mother of his children - they need their parents to be united. You always knew he had children. You always knew he had an ex-wife. His children have to see your attitude.

You come across as an empty well that no one and nothing else can fill. You need to go back into therapy to find the root of this.

And, yes, I'm a stepmother with an ex-wife in the picture.

You've had problems before - is your husband one of the people in this thread? https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...le-427169.html

Bravo!! I couldn't have said it better myself!

Quote:

Originally Posted by J_9

Bravo!!! I couldn't have said it better myself!

There's a lot of background - https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/dating...e-288586.html; https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/adult-...x-215340.html; https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...se-202166.html

OP has snooped during other relationships - https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marria...ml#post1237725

I see a need for therapy.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

There's a lot of background - https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/dating...e-288586.html; https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/adult-...x-215340.html; https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...se-202166.html

Yeah, I saw that. I have an ex husband with children. My current husband is the step-father and he would NEVER take it upon himself to invade my cell phone even when I ask him to read the message to me if it's a text. He ALWAYS brings the phone to me.

In the end, this man has a history with this woman. She is his ex wife and they share children together. For the children's sake it's better to be formidable than it is to be angry with each other.

I think what JudyKayTee said is right on and it is excellent advice. However, I am a little concerned over his "chumminess" with his exwife. I think you are headed for trouble, if not already in big trouble, in your marriage when you cannot be completely open and honest with each other and you are resorting to checking his phone. Seek counseling ASAP if you want your marriage to last. I see several red flags. Just mho ;-)

Quote:

Originally Posted by maddy6

I think what JudyKayTee said is right on and it is excellent advice. However, I am a little concerned over his "chumminess" with his exwife. I think you are headed for trouble, if not already in big trouble, in your marriage when you cannot be completely open and honest with each other and you are resorting to checking his phone. Seek counseling ASAP if you want your marriage to last. I see several red flags. Just mho ;-)

Why does his "friendship" (or whatever) with his "ex" concern you? I have an ex husband. We are not enemies. We are two people who are good at being friends and lousy at being married to each other.

Her husband and his "ex" have children - I think it's good for children to see respect, friendship between parents, even divorced parents. What am I missing?

One thing you have to get used to is that they have children together. Not all couples fight once the divorce is final. Actually, the most mature of couples will stay friendly so that they don't create emotional problems with their children.

The problem I see here is that you feel that it is okay for you to invade his privacy, i.e. go through his phone, in order to satisfy yourself. You have to realize that these two people will be connected for life. Period. As they have children together.

You can feel uncomfortable all you like, but the fact remains that they have to be civil to each other for the sake of the children.

Many times people marry and have children but don't get along living together. It doesn't mean a hill of beans that they can get along for the sake of their children.

It appears that you may be too emotionally insecure to handle a husband with an ex-wife who chooses to be civil for the sake of the children.

I am friends with my ex husband, when I have questions about business things I call or text him and our daughter is an adult. Sometimes we chat about old times and family things.
Point is when you have children together you have a bond that should not break. You need to be able to be civil with each other.

Your going through his phone is ridiculous and childish. The man is married to you, and if you are not woman enough to talk to him instead of spying on him, you're not woman enough to be married.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

I am friends with my ex husband, when I have questions about business things I call or text him and our daughter is an adult. Sometimes we chat about old times and family things.
Point is when you have children together you have a bond that should not break. You need to be able to be civil with each other.

Your going through his phone is ridiculous and childish. The man is married to you, and if you are not woman enough to talk to him instead of spying on him, you're not woman enough to be married.

If you read the other threads going through a bf's things are not new behavior. It's caused her problems before.

That's why I suggested counselling.

Again, thank you for the advice. I'll continue my therapy.