Hello,

8 weeks ago my partner broke up with me. We had been together for 3 years and during that time, I had a lot of problems regarding trust- whether I could trust him. Our relationship in hindsight was probably never meant to be and my instincts told me that there was something that didn't quite feel authentic from him, but I could never put my finger on it. He was so warm, affectionate and loving as well as incredibly encouraging.

We met at a new years party and after a while that evening he kissed me, later on I found out that he had a girlfriend. I felt really disgusted by this and left. Later that week, we were in touch and he explained that their relationship was over, he just hadn't known how to tell her and they had only been casually dating for 6 months blah blah blah. Suffice to say, we fell in love very quickly, he showered me with love and affection which I needed as the previous year I had broken up with my first love of 7 years.

However, 6 months into our relationship he went abroad with friends and I checked his Facebook, why I don't know as I wasn't worrying about anything, and I found a message to a very beautiful girl saying what a great night he had had with her. After this holiday he came back and denied everything, split up with me saying that I was paranoid and that he was having a breakdown. I felt devastated as I thought that my jealousy had caused this. He wouldn't speak to me and when he did he seemed to be doing better and better as he was now seeing a life coach.

He told me to leave him alone, it was over and he couldn't deal with my jealousy, so I booked a ticket to America to stay with family and get away from the pain. Anyway, I went to America, he eventually asked me to come back that he loved me and I was so desperate that I did. Things were very difficult for another 6 months and then one night I decided to search for the girls name in his email, it turned out that he had slept with her initially and then fallen in love with her, whilst I had gone to America.

When I confronted him, after now a full year of him telling me that I was paranoid, jealous and insecure and threatening to leave me every time I brought up my doubts, he now basically just shouted his way through an apology and then abandoned me with all of the grief. Out of sheer fear and desperation I told him that I wanted to work it out and stay together, that I would learn to forgive him.

Basically, I never could forgive him and a whole mixture of things meant that I lost all of my identity and confidence over the course of a further 2 years until I became totally reliant on him and was suicidally depressed. I had wanted to leave my home city when we met and only ever came back for him, most of my friends and family had left. I asked him if we could live together in order that I feel more settled and he said no, that it wasn't right for him and that he wanted it to happen when we were both stable, which just left me feeling more and more rejected.

Anyway, the girl he cheated on me with wrote him an email declaring her undying love for him which he didn't respond to but I felt furious, we discussed it and as usual I ended up apologising for being angry and not being able to let it go. He soon after broke up with me and 2 weeks after we broke up began dating another woman. Casting me out of his life. Now its 8 weeks since we broke up and he hasn't responded to any correspondence but we did have a very painful conversation where in a very seething tone, he blamed me for wasting 3 years of his life and told me that he has never been happier in a relationship that he is with his new girlfriend and that out of respect for her he won't be in contact with me.

Of course reading this back I now think... wow why did I stay? But there were hours and hours of conversations between us, intense feelings of love and huge apologies from him explaining how he just completely lost himself and also attributing some blame to me which at the time kind of made sense.

I am a very self reflective person who isn't by nature a shrinking violet. I'm direct and do not shy away from confronting emotions. That said, I have never felt so hurt as I do in my life now, thinking that someone can turn on and off feelings like a tap. I know that some of it must have been real but what kind of person moves from one relationship to the next to the next with no reflection? He seems to be doing really well, he said that he hadn't cried since the last time that we spoke and was angry with me for that.

I had sent him a goodbye email letting him know that I forgave him for the past that I understood how difficult it must have been to be with me when I couldn't trust him and that I sent him blessings for his life. I sent this probably in the hope that he would acknowledge his part in the problems too. But he didn't, he just took it and used it as more fuel to blame me. I feel huge injustice and I am trying to let go. I am desperately trying not to blame myself but the words keep turning in my head.

If anyone reading this can offer any insight into this way of dealing with break ups(rebounding) then I would be grateful?

X

You need to break up and stay broke up. You need to learn to be happy with yourself, and not worry about what he is doing, why or anything.

You don't look at him on Facebook, don't open a single email and don't answer a phone call.

Seems to me you had every right to not trust him he was the ne that cheated in you and you should have broken it off. The second he did so he then used you as an emotional ride for the next 2 years

My advice block this loser out of your life don't for once think that this is your fault because. It's not it's his! Simple as that
And getting rid of him was the best thing that could have happened to you


Enjoy your freedom

You gave your heart to a barking dog. He was a barking dog when you met him, yet you gave him your heart any way. Even after being bitten a few times, you still allowed him in your life. You still want him in your life. You may want and need attention, but not like that.

Your solution is to build a life that you enjoy with family, and friends, and activities that make you happy so your bite marks can heal. Until then, keep all the dogs out of your life, especially him. NO, you cannot train him to be what you want, nor should you ever trust this wild dog will never bite you again. He will.

I know its reassurance you want, but its loving yourself enough to reject a wild dogs that you need.

Read the stickies here for more insights and suggestions on proper healing, and NO CONTACT.

Thank you for your replies.

Obviously, you are right I shouldn't have stayed but outside of the cheating, we had a great friendship and I had thought a deep spiritual bond. But yes I think maybe I was looking at the potential of this person, rather than who he actually was. I am an artist and I think that I often look beyond what is actually in front of me which is something I will be careful of in the future.

I am finding it difficult to stay angry with him as I know that I kind of forced him to look at some of his actions that he just didn't want to because he couldn't handle it. I thought it would change him and make him stronger but I think it was excruciating for him as he doesn't like to a. Be disliked or b. Experience pain. I know that he suffered by trying to face what he had done and by trying to make up for what he had done but in the end I feel resentful that he now gets to experience joy with another woman whilst I am dealing with hurt, rejection, moving home/ city, changing job. My whole life is in upheaval, whilst his is just refined and enhanced.

The other thing which I know shouldn't be my concern anymore, is that the person whom he is now dating lost her mother 3 weeks before she met him. So she is vulnerable but she is a party girl like him and they are probably a better match than we ever were. I am trying to wish him peace because of course I care about him but I also want him to face some of this pain. Perhaps the pain isn't always necessary and I am just choosing to focus on it?

Things are not bad every day though and I am keeping busy and making decisions for myself and about myself. I have no desire to meet anyone new, not for quite a while. For the first time in my life I can feel attractive without needing the reassurances of a man. It has felt good to say thanks but no thanks to a few guys who have made passes at me. I got my hair cut, decided to move to London, I had taken on an artist studio, and reconnected with some really good friends. Small things like getting a style of haircut that I LOVE without worrying whether my partner will like it are giving me a huge sense of happy independence. Having the freedom to book a one way ticket on a whim, with no idea of what the future holds is both terrifying and exhilarating!