I love a guy. Iam 28 and he is 30.we have been in relation for 4 years. Initially he had not told his parents about us.my parents know everything and they are ready for our relation.one year back he told his parents about us and they opposed because of caste difference. Till now they are not agreeing. His mother is a heart patient.twice she stopped her medicines to pressurise him to leave me and was admitted.even his sisters are against us. He is busy with his higher studies for which he has taken lot of money from his parents. Now he is stuck between his mother and our relation and the promises made to my parents.plus his studies are there for one and half year more. Even then he is willing to marry me. But he is not promising any date or any plan.I trust in him and want to marry him. We share a very good relation. But now the problem is I am working on a temporary basis with minimal salary. I can't commit to a good job because he stays in a different city and so I can't commit to a fixed job.also most of the time am at home worrying about this and one day if he does not call me all negative thoughts start in my head.I too am stuck up as I can't force him as he is studying and also can't imagine to wait for 1 1/2 year. It's a long time.am already into depression seeking therapy.cant think of any other relation as have some physical problem so don't know whether will be able to find anyone.please help. What will I do?

To stay with this man because you have a "physical problem" and don't think you can find anyone else is unfair to him AND, more importantly, unfair to you. You would rather be unhappy in this relationship than attempt to get into a new relationship?

I think you need to speak to someone to straighten out a lot of issue. If he does marry you, could you live in a family that includes his mother who, apparently, dislikes you intensely?

Its not that I am into this relation as I can't find anyone else.We both love each other.and also not that am unhappy. Its only the circumstances which are forcing me to think about another relation.but I really don't want to leave him. I have spoken to him many times about all this but there is nothing more that he can do considering his circumstances also.Yeah it is going to be very tough to stay with his mother. But what is my mistake? Only that we love each other?Isn't it injustice?

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Originally Posted by peace82

Its not that i am into this relation as i can't find anyone else.We both love each other.and also not that am unhappy. Its only the circumstances which are forcing me to think about another relation.but i really dont want to leave him. I have spoken to him many times about all this but there is nothing more that he can do considering his circumstances also.Yeah it is going to be very tough to stay with his mother. but what is my mistake? Only that we love each other?Isnt it injustice?

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Here are your words: "can't think of any other relation as have some physical problem so dont know whether will be able to find anyone." That's what I answered. I took this to mean that you didn't think you could find another relationship because you have physical problems. Would you explain to me what you meant so I understand how I misunderstood you?

You use words like "willing" to marry you. He should want to marry you.

Your mistake? Staying in a relationship that makes you so unhappy that you post on a public board, asking advice. You say you love him. I'm not so sure the feeling is mutual - thus your use of the word "willing."

Loving someone is never a mistake. Even if it doesn't work out you have some good memories. Injustice? Where is the injustice?

You intend to live with a woman who dislikes you? Sorry, but that is a very bad way to go into a relationship, let alone a marriage.

Your boyfriend apparently can't or won't change things. That alone would make me unhappy.

Yeah you are right.am totally screwed up in my own words. But why I had mentioned that because lately I was feeling very sorry for him and so was thinking of walking out from the relation so that at least he would not have to face his mothers wrath. So that time I was thinking about all consequences, about my future, all pros and cons.so this thought had passed my mind. But it is not true that he doesn't love me.we both are working towards changing the circumstances.about his mother I feel we are stuck up in this situation because of her, her beliefs towards caste and all which don't matter nowadays.. that is injustice!

I'm in the US and caste system is very difficult to understand.

I would imagine that it's very difficult not be discouraged if for no other reason than you are not together in the same place. It sounds like you are both under a lot of pressure.

And, yes, it sounds unjust that you are putting up with this nonsense (no other word for it) based on some very old beliefs.

Time is often a big help. Let's hope as time passes things ease up for you both.

Good luck.

Peace82:

I am from your part of the world, so I think I can help you out here. With all due respect, cultural understanding makes a huge difference in comprehending the issue. First of all, pity the stupid woman who uses her heart condition to force on a marriage decision. Her non existence would make this situation much simpler.

I think there is a sense of insecurity in you. Most women from our part of the world feel insecure and out of this insecurity they develop a form of dependency which they call "Love". You want to feel safe and you want to feel secured. And you want to be loved. Can you think your boyfriend and his family can provide that?

My dear, you are a very special person. There is no one like you and there will never be any one like you. Your love is special. God will never make another person who could love like you did. Do you think this boy and his family deserve such a special gift?