How can I cope with being molested by my brother?
My brother and I were never really close. We always fighted... but I remember when we got along we would play odd games that he suggested. Like once it was rock, paper, scissors and if I lost I had to kiss him. I was about 8 at the time and the thought of kissing him disgusted me but I played... and lost, a lot. Another time I was rolling around on his bed and across him... and every time I rolled across him he would grab me and squeeze me. It might have been nothing.
When I got a little older we lived in a house and my brother and I had the two upstairs bedrooms and shared a bathroom... which had no door knob. I remember feeling like I was being watched all the time so I stuck toilet paper in the hole where the knob should have been. I saw him slip a mirror under the door and I flipped out!! He denied it, of course, when I mentioned it to my mother. But my friend came to stay the night one time and she said she saw him looking through the hole after she got out of the shower.
I remember lying in bed sleeping and being woken up by him touching me. I just laid there and pretended to be asleep. I couldn't move... I tried to hold my breath wishing he would leave. This happened a lot. He would pull the covers down and lift my shirt and start sucking on my nipples. I still just laid there. Then one time he jacked off on my chest and I finally got up the courage to ask him *** he was doing. He cried and apologized and tried to hug me. Went in his room and grabbed a trash bag and started throwing away beer cans saying he was drunk. A few weeks later he started doing it again.
I kept a knife under my pillow and told myself if he ever touched me again I would kill him. I never got up the courage to do so, but I did get the courage one day to tell him don't ever touch me again or I would kill him. He laughed... called me crazy... then called his friends over and they stood in my doorway laughing and making jokes. I grabbed the knife and started slicing my wrists. They freaked out... I think then they believed me. My mom came home and I hopped in her car and told her to drive. She... didn't believe me. In fact, she smacked me... said I was lying and then sent me to live with my father in a different state.
I began doing drugs... having multiple sex partners... drinking every night. Partying, failing in school. I finally dropped out. My life has never been the same. It never will be. I still wake up feeling like someone is trying to touch me... nightmares.
When I was 16 I came back to live with my mom and shortly after my brother moved back in. I kept my door locked and he popped it with a butter knife and tried to touched my butt before I rolled over and coughed. He left after that but I called the police the next day. A detective came over and I told him what he had done in the past and how he tried again the night before. My mom came home in the middle of me talking to him. After he left my mom begged me to tell him it was a dream because my brother would be labeled a "sexual predator" the rest of his life, not able to have a job or kids. So I did what my mother asked... and shortly after she kicked me out again.
Ok, whatever! I get married... then I get divorced 5 years later. Move back in with my mom... and yet again... shortly after my brother moves back in with me. I was 22 at this time. I woke up one morning with my tit out of my sports bra and my pants just below my panty line and him jacking off on the side of my bed. I was disgusted!! I called the police but since I didn't feel him actually touch me they couldn't prosecute him!! I told my mom... she did nothing.
I'm out of that situation but my brother still lives with her. He's been in and out of jail. No job. No remorse. How do I cope with this? How do I deal with the fact that he did this most of my life and I still have to live with it? He's probably laughing that he got away with it all this time. And if I do ever have to go back to my mom... he'll probably do it again... and I will be prepared. I will kill him. Make no mistake. I have a son now and I will protect the both of us even if it means killing someone to make them stop. I just don't know how to deal with the nightmares and memories... and the fact that I still have to look at him when I go to see my mother.