Hello again and thanks to those who previously helped/listened to me vent...

My girlfriend of 5 + months broke up with me over the weekend, the day after her 35th birthday. We're in our 30's and she is very much baby-crazy. She said she feels like we're not progressing quickly enough and is worried that my demanding career will not fit the future she would like.

She told me that she feels we should date other people as she thinks I will know more quickly if I want to commit to another woman. Committing being marriage, starting a family, etc. as I have been dating her exclusively (committed in my mind).

She said I am the best guy she has ever dated (by far), am her best friend, and thinks we could re-connect in the future when the time is right. She said she would still like to hang out, even wanted to keep previous plans for a post-birthday lunch and has been texting/emailing me. I declined lunch and have been silent with her for the last day and a half. She intitiated this and was not emotional about it, she has said in the past that attraction to her is like a switch, when it goes, it just switches off.

So... thoughts? I do care about her (and I know she cares about me). I made my feelings known as to what I want (to work things out). She said we need to be on a break as things weren't working out right now so I have remained silent to texts/emails since.

Thanks for listening...

5 months of dating seems pretty quick to demand a decision on marriage, children and starting a family. Sounds to me like she is trying to force things as she feels her biological clock ticking. Rather than letting things happen naturally, she would like things to progress based upon her immediate desires. No win situation for you. I'd back off as you have done. Her lavish comments AFTER breaking up with you also seem extremely patronizing. If I were you, I'd chalk this up to just not working out. Continue to move on my friend.

It sounds like she has been listening to her biological clock ticking way too much. 5 months is not long enough to be trying to talk you into having children.

I don't know if her behaviour is about trying to push you into something you aren't ready for or if she is hoping to keep her options open as to finding someone who will be instantly ready to give her the baby she craves.

Either way it seems like she is way more focused in getting what she wants than on actually taking time to have a relationship. I would keep your distance and see if she can actually work this out for herself, though I have to say I doubt she will see it. I think you need to think about being ready to make the break permanent.

Hello again guy, thanks for the update, and hope you notice your threads were merged to reflect more background.

So it seems like you did progress to dating, and a mutual agreement, and have had a chance to know each other better. That's the good part, because having done that, she still don't want what you want at this time, and that's okay. She was clear in she wants to explore her other options, and you are no longer a priority in her life, as good as she sugar coated the way she dumped you.

Its very simple, leave her alone, and let her do what she wants, while you go back to doing your own thing, and healing. No more strategy, or over analyzing or false hope. Just go about the process of healing, and moving beyond the thoughts. And feelings of any future with her at all.

She just ain't feeling it, and it was fun while it lasted, but ain't going any further. So get prepared now for the next chapter of your life, and let this one go gracefully, with dignity, and self respect.

Thanks talaniman but...

I guess the threads should not have been merged. This is not the same woman from my posts back in March/April. After my last post about her, we dated for another month and things just didn't work out. We went our separate ways and are not in touch. Close the book on that one.

The current situation is someone I met a couple of months later. We get along fantastically for the most part. Plenty of common interests, similar backgrounds, we even work in the same field. She works for a client of my company but we don't have direct business dealings. So, lots of common ground. She is generally very loving, thoughtful and has been in constant contact with me for most of our dating time. Tons of emails/texts. We talked every day. But the biological clock seems to be driving her crazy. She got all stressed out about her birthday a few weeks ago and it continued to build, with her withdrawing. I knew we were going through a rough patch but didn't quite see this coming.

Ideally, I would like to give things a chance to see if it can be worked out. Just not sure if her ticking clock will be too much to overcome. I think we need more time to date before we make the leaps she seems to think she needs almost immediately. I think we could possibly be a good long term match but want to be sure before I go all-in.

She im'ed me today and texted me a pic of the flowers I sent for her birthday last week. Also a text that she loves the card I gave her. Tonight I got a xmas card from her in the mail. So yes, she does miss me. And I miss her. I replied to the I'm but kept it brief. I feel like I should at least acknowledge the other gestures (keeping it brief)but knowing what the right thing to do is not so easy when you miss someone.

Anyway, thanks again for the forum to vent and for the good advice. Otherwise, I am also handling things better overall. I got through the previous crisis and am on a more even keel than back then.

Are you telling us you have had a month or two between these relatuinships??

Yes, two months between.

This is where you get really honest as whatever her clock is doing to her, that's her issue to deal with. She should know how you feel about rushing into promises that maybe neither of you can keep. Don't be rushed, but don't be surprised if she would rather keep the friendship, and explore other options. She may not say that, or even tell you, likely she won't.

You are correct in your actions so far I think, to get to know her better, much better before you dive in deeper, or even invest more of yourself emotionally. The danger in that is that she may well be looking for signs you are all in, so this is a case for some straight honesty so you both understand each other.

Nothing cools things off after a hot fast start like friendship, and nothing hurts more. I suspect, but can't know for sure, that this is the case. A break up is a pretty good sign that something has changed, and that's usually feelings, or level of commitment, or a willingness to go along completely with your pace or direction. Or all the above.

Then its your job that I have questions about as you said she is not that comfortable with it. So I have to ask why? And how much time does it take up in general terms? Does this mean a lot of time between visits, or dates? Just a general idea of how much fun time you have together, just to get some facts for clarity and understanding better.

As to the merging thing. We get so many posters who have a lot of posts about the same thing, and without clarity of updates, or specific acknowledgments, its really hard to know where one post starts and another begins. I expect this will be corrected in your case, but we all here read other postings not just for facts about specific situations, but for insights into the poster. Thanks for the clarifications. My apologies for assuming, without asking.

No problem on the merge/assumptions talaniman. There are many posts, posters and stories to sift through. I can understand how my siutation may not have been clear.

Anyway, to try to answer your questions on background, we generally have been seeing each other one night during the work week (usually a Thursday) as I have a demanding job and she has been fairly busy too. Her job isn't so demanding (though she is actively searching for a change there - doesn't like it) but she is also taking night classes for a program (two nights per week though her semester just ended). She has been stressed about job and work, as well as other personal issues. We have also spent a great deal of time together on weekends with Saturday dates stretching into Sundays. We both made the time as we could, as we had great times. I know that lately she was also a bit more concerned with my work schedule, lots of late hours.

Also as I posted earlier, we have stayed in close contact through much of our relationship. She contantly texts/emails me and seems to worry a little (but not angry) if I take a while to get back. If I email or text I usually get a reply from her in minutes. She doesn't have a huge social circle a few close friends and is very close with one brother. Lots of texting and phone calls but not so many actual in-person outings as most of those people live far away from her. She also likes to spend more time home, hanging out and seeing her dogs than going out and about. We do go out but she doesn't feel a great need to get out constantly.

A few weeks ago she rented a cabin in the mountains for us as a getaway for my birthday. We packed up the dogs and plenty of supplies, had a fantastic time there. So we don't just always sit home.

If it makes any difference, she used the term break with me ("we need to be on a break") rather than breakup. It seems like she definitely wants to keep options open for us to be together. The question then becomes whether the option is intended as she doesn't quickly find someone else better/more ready to leap or that we just have a little time to sort it out.

Trying to do what's right for both of us, but I miss her. I feel like we just need more time and if she could relax that it would all settle out. But sadly, I think she feels she the clock is ticking, she is running out of time and needs to force the issue. I guess we'll see, but I do want her to be happy, she's a good person.

I know I shouldn"t be too down abou this, but...

Maybe it's the holidays, whatever... I do feel love for this woman...

She broke up with me two weeks ago. She called tonight to say she needed a truck and fel like a "b" to ask me for it. Had to pick up a yv and get there before they closed. I said I coukd do, but she sais it was ok, realied she didnn;t want to "use" me, etc... said it was fine, then ended up borrowing her neighbor"s truck... so...

She emphasized we'rr still broken up (which I agreed to) but what do I do now? I would like to reconcile (if possible)... can I salvage thsis or do I just move on..

Very sad, missing her a lot...

Just move on, you know the rules,

Talaniman Rules-Never assume that your feelings are shared by any one else.

Talaniman Rule-When they ask for a break, give it to them and do your own thing.

Talaniman Rule- When you break up, have the courtesy to revoke their relationship privileges.

Talaniman Rules- when you get dumped, don't go back to get dumped again

Talaniman Rule- When they need space, give it to them, and disappear from their lives. This allows you to heal.

Talaniman Rule- Never wait when you get dumped. Get your own life and let them get theirs.

Talaniman Rule- If one person isn't available, there are millions that are. Don't get stuck on one who is BUSY with other things.

Talaniman Rule - Don't miss other opportunities and options because your stuck on someone who is not as stuck on you, that's just plain crazy.

Talaniman Rule- When you see a brick wall, don't go head first into it, and expect to get on the other side.

Talaniman Rule-Never wallow in your own sh1t!

Talaniman Rule-Never put all your eggs in a stranger's basket. Save some for your own basket.

Talaniman Rule-if they don't like you, forget 'em.

Don't be so available to help her out. The less contact you have, the faster you heal. Matter of fact, No Contact is the best path to follow.

Stickies

Yes, as always, you are correct. A moment of weakness for me yesterday but picking myself up and moving on.

Thank you. I sincerely appreciate it.

Merry Xmas, Happy Holidays, etc to all.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by overanalyzer

Yes, as always, you are correct. A moment of weakness for me yesterday but picking myself up and moving on.

Thank you. I sincerely appreciate it.

Merry Xmas, Happy Holidays, etc to all.

---

(Not so) Quick update, maybe this will help someone else... hoping...

She texted me pretty regularly for a while, never out of contact for more than a few days. Nothing major, she would just text, I would give short reply. A lot about her dogs who absolutely LOVE me. Hard to resist them...

Trying to just let things calm down, I kept it low key. One day she texted about what a great guy I am, best she has ever dated. She missed me. We should get together. So we did...

We had a good time, really we did. I got a bit more optimistic, maybe this could work... Upbeat texts from her, etc.

I was wrong. I haven't seen her since. She got a bit more distant, later that week. And though we talked about reconciliation, she ultimately pulled away, even over advice from her best friends (all "on my side" - they love me, wanted us back together). I tried to talk rationally with her about the problems we had, to no avail. Of course there has been talk (from her) that she may have made a huge mistake and that she may come back, begging me to take her back. But I'm not waiting around for that... neither should you...

To those of you out there who get dumped by someone you feel like you you can't live without, someone you were meant to be with... I can understand. You feel like you need to know and that you have to give things a shot. You miss 100% of the shots you don't take. I get that.

But if it doesn't work out (odds are it won't), be strong enough to pick yourself up and move on. Sure you may have moments of weakness (I have had plenty), but realize that was not the right one. Pick yourself up and move forward. I'm trying to take my own advice, some days it can be hard, but move ahead. Keep your head about you. Chin up...