Ask Me Help Desk - Fighting A Lot

Hey some of you might remember me from a while back.. I was dealing with my first hard breakup and this site really helped me then so I thought I'd try again.. So basically I've started a relationship with red tape.. I started dating a girl less then a week after she broke up with her boyfriend.. And I work with her.. I know they're both no no's but the relationship was going fine for over 2 an a half months.. Mind you it was a lot of lust and excitement over something new at the beginning.. But it was evolving into something really meaningful then all of a sudden now we just fight constantly.. For about 3 weeks to a month it's like it's something everyday.. It started with me.. I admit I was going through some things at home that I took out on her and it was unfair.. But ever since then it's just little things that set us off on each other.. I'll use the past 3 days as an example: Her ex who constantly harasses her has been bothering her again.. When they broke up right before me and her started dating she took most of her stuff but left some expensive things behind because he was being verbally abusive.. Ever since then she hasn't responded to him until now.. And it frustrates me by the way she's handling it.. But at the same time if I was her I might want the stuff back.. So there's arguments both ways.. But it upset me when she told me and I've been dealing with an issue of avoiding the situation I don't like.. So I had gone out with my friends the other night and I didn't text her.. So when I saw her at work the next day she was fuming and started yelling at me at work about how I just don't care.. So I asked her how her night was and she wouldn't tell me.. So I started to get mad an as soon as she sensed that she lightened up and started to act normal.. But by this time we had been fighting in front of co workers and customers so I was really mad.. I didn't even look at her the rest of our shift and she made an extra effort to be super happy and nice to everyone but me.. And it's always stupid things like that over and over for about a month now. So like every time we do this we are supposed to have a serious talk the next day.. So we make an arangment to eat dinner at a restaurant except she bring the stoner from work picks me up and pretty much peer pressure me into getting high with them and I was livid mad.. And she knew it and apoligized but the whole night we were space brained and couldn't have a conversation.. But we did try and basically she was telling me she's not involved in my social life enough (she wants to hang out with me and my friends more) and then she's telling me about her new friend who says he thinks I'm cheating on her because apparently I don't text her enough when were not together.. So I tell her that her friend can shove it.. But I agree to inude her a little more.. But then as a counter argument to that I've noticed she's kept our relationship secret from her mom who she talks to about everything.. Her mom also lives very far away.. Not that it bothers me because I don't even want to meet her family.. But the response I got was "I don't wanna tell her about it unless it's important to me" so I just smiled an then she quickly says because she doesn't feel comfertable telling them until there's love.. I was just kind of like OK.. And we pretended like everything was OK.. But then we were laying in bed an I couldn't get it out of my head.. I didn't touch her or acknowledge she was even in my bed all night.. We got up this morning.. Fought.. She started crying.. And everything is my fault like every time.. So if anyone has any advice it would be awesome.. I really like this girl but I'm just so sick of fighting.. I've done some really similar things myself earlier but I'm ready to move past that now.. The problem is it's so repetitive.. I'm sorry my paragraphs are bunched together I Sid this whole thing on my lunch break on my phone.. I'll fix it when I get home.. Thanks in advance..

Me and my ex boyfriend broke up because we fought constantly. At the beginning everything was amazing, like how you described it 'lust and excitement over something new'... a few months passed and we just started arguing constantly. I thought we would be able to talk about everything, but it seems we just didn't understand each other, we couldn't communicate. However we never tried to fix this problem, so we ended it. I think you have a similar problem here.
Try talking to her, tell her how you feel. Tell her how you felt when she told you about her mom. Tell her you feel you argue too much and can't stand it any more. Maybe you can try find ways to control yourselves from these outbursts and find different ways of communicating when you're upset to one another. If you find it hard to resist then maybe you are just not right for each other, and you need to start thinking about ending the relationship

You are an excellent example why people that work togethet should not get involved. And on top of that, she got involved with you way too soon after her breakup. Having said that, the damage is done and you are where you are. What to do? Well, it sounds like you two are like oil and water. You just don't mix. Life is too short to spend most of it fighting. Face trhe facts, cut your losses, and go your separate ways. You don't get along, and you owe it to yourselves to move on. Some where out there you will both be in more compatible relationships, unfortunately it won't be with each other.

I agree with beachloverjohn ---its time to move on.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...lk-303157.html

1-You both jumped into each other way to fast. Too much, too fast, crash, and burn.

2-You both are still fresh from a break up, and honestly she is still in the middle of hers, so you BOTH are on the REBOUND

3-You work together.

4- Probably great pals at work, until you tried the romance thing.

5-Despite working together, you still are romantic strangers to each other and she is still breaking away from an ex who put her through a lot, as did your own break up.

For these reasons this thing was over before it started, and you both were just using each other to feel better, using, and being used, fueled by lust, and need, at work no less is a disaster waiting to happen. Now your private life, and work life are filled with misery, and what did you expect by leaping before looking, or THINKING?
Either learn to communicate, and resolve the conflicts, or expect the "crash and burn" cited above. The lust is gone, now what's left? Appears to be nothing left to me.

Well she broke up with me last night. The fighting has been like a month an a half and as hurt as I am I know the mistakes I made. I agree I was on the rebound and so was she but it really didn't seem to affect things. Until it was just all the little stuff.

I'm really hurt. Always after we fight we had a period of closeness and at least for a few days she was the light in my eyes. But this time she couldn't. She hasn't talked to me for 3 days then calls and says we need to have a serious talk. Then she broke up with me. That hurts in its own. But how emotionless she was when she was doing it. She might as well have been blow drying her hair... I asked and asked for another chance but she says with school starting she can't deal with the stress of not knowing if I care about her.

Then this morning I worked the early shift all by myself and I had to come home sick because I couldn't even handle being there for 2 hours because I associate work with her. I txtd her and sounded desperate and she basically told me she doesn't know what to say, she already told me everything that she wanted to last night. So I left her a note in her locker telling her how much I care about her.

I'm really hurt.. It's not as bad as my previous relationship but I made the mistake of making her too big a part of my life.. So now that I don't have her I feel very similar to the situation I was in when I broke up with my first love 7 months ago or whatever. My friends are more or less just people I go out with.. I don't really have anyone to talk to about things. Feels like I have nothing and no one again.

The real problem is work. Whether she quits or not like she says she has to for school. Everyone knows were dating and after this weekend everyone will know we broke up. And even if any of that wasn't the case. She trained me for the job I'm doing.. All the good memories of work our first kiss.. First time we slept together.. Went out on our first date.. Held each other.. I thought about all of it today... And the worste part is I can't quit because I need a good reference from this place so I have to give my 2 week notice and work agonizing shifts for 2 weeks...

Like I don't know what to do I feel terrible about the breakup and now all this baggage afterwords.. I really care about her and I miss her. And I have no choice but to think about her and miss her for the next 2 weeks.

She says she broke up with me because when I wasn't talking to her when we were apart she stopped missing me. But it doesn't make sense to me because I know for a fact she was completely invested in our relationship last weekend.. So over 4-5 days she's decided she wants nothing to do with me. It just seems a little fast for me considering last weekend she told me the last thing she wanted was to break up. Now as soon as school starts that's what she wants..

I don't know. All I know is I'm really hurt and at a loss as to what to do.

You accept its over, leave her alone, and man up and do your job. This should be a valuable lesson for those work place romances, and now you have to break ups under your belt, so don't start sitting on the pity pot, just reread your other post and get about doing what your supposed to do.

I know your right but what really bothers me is I don't know how to be alone.. When I started my new job and school after my last breakup it was me just trying to be brave and just hoping I would be happy again. But everyday I'd wake up and cry, go to work. Read this site on my breaks. Go home and try to distract myself, unsuccessfully from the pain. Then when I met her I was really happy again. It's like there hasn't been a time when I've been happy because of me in a long time.

I was going through serious depression before I met my I guess 2nd ex now. Then she took it away. Then I was depressed after we broke up and this girl took it away. Now it feels like I'm right back where it started.

I just don't know how to be happy alone because its been over a year and a half since I have been. And I'm not eager to jump in a relationship at all right now.. Getting hurt sucks.

There is no time like the present to start learning how like yourself enough to be okay being alone. Iam not saying your going to have yippy-skippy time. Only when you learn to like just being you and that you don't need someone else to full fill you --good luck

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Originally Posted by bloooooper7

I just don't know how to be happy alone because its been over a year and a half since I have been. And I'm not eager to jump in a relationship at all right now.. Getting hurt sucks.

Don't jump into another relationship. That is what Tal was saying. You both rushed into this past relationship trying to not deal with the pain. All that did is postponed it and added more because now you seem to feel a bit betrayed.

Don't sit at home trying to distract yourself. Get out and get involved in things that help you feel good about you. That could going to the gym, taking a class or two, volunteering, finding a hobby, etc. If you have a hobby already see about teaching others.

Change your focus from relying on a girlfriend to make you happy to making yourself happy. Build a relationship with yourself like you would with someone else. The best thing about being in a good, healthy relationship with yourself is you can't walk out on you.

ERROR: You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Cat1864 again.

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Quote by Cat
The best thing about being in a good, healthy relationship with yourself is you can't walk out on you.

This is a very profound statement

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QUOTE=bloooooper7;
I know your right but what really bothers me is I don't know how to be alone..

What a perfect time to learn a new life changing skill.

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When I started my new job and school after my last breakup it was me just trying to be brave and just hoping I would be happy again.

That was a great start, and you should have dived in head first and enjoyed it to the max.

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But everyday I'd wake up and cry, go to work. Read this site on my breaks. Go home and try to distract myself, unsuccessfully from the pain.

Then you should have gone somewhere else and done something new, or something you enjoyed. What a missed opportunity you passed up.

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Then when I met her I was really happy again. It's like there hasn't been a time when I've been happy because of me in a long time.

The beginning of the end as you put the responsibility for your happiness in the hands of a stranger, and that is an impossible task. We humans love being with other humans, and its healthier when we love ourselves, and are happy with the life we build for ourselves.

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I was going through serious depression before I met my I guess 2nd ex now. Then she took it away. Then I was depressed after we broke up and this girl took it away. Now it feels like I'm right back where it started.

You keep repeating the same thing over and over and expecting different results. By now you have to see that no one can make you happy but yourself, by treating yourself well, and enjoying your life.

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I just don't know how to be happy alone because its been over a year and a half since I have been. And I'm not eager to jump in a relationship at all right now.. Getting hurt sucks.

Good, may you find your happiness yourself, like all of us must do and boost the confidence in yourself, so you can enjoy your life, and be a good partner when someone comes along and wants to share the happiness they see you have.

You have been told I'm sure to read the stickies, and get busy. Obviously you have not so please do so now.

Talaniman Rule-Never wallow in your own sh1t!

Look blooooper, you need to get realistic. First of all, you keep moaning over this, acting like your life is over, wallowing in self pity, excepting all the blame, whatever else you can think of, well even if she came back it would only because she feels guilty or sorry for you. Is that what you want? C'mon, start acting like a man. She doesn't want you, she wants someone else.. So get over this now. Be a man. There are dozens of women out there who would love a guy like you. You're a great guy. You deserve a great girl. Stop wasting your time, energy, emtions, tears, and your life on someone who doesn't want to be with you...