My partner well part time one I think! We.. should I say I only see on a Saturday and everything on her terms I just cannot pre arrange it's a text to say come over! Its been like that from day one.she does not want commitment and that is not an issue as such she was abused sexually as a child was engaged to one man and had his son this went wrong. She got married to another and that lasted 10 yrs but he was a control freak and she ended up in fights and divorce .she met a guy on internet she loved him but never told him that never lasted as he got fed up and found another behind her back! So then came me she did tell me a few months after we met she loved me but have to say she takes twenty steps forward then 50 back she just is so good then so distant and this is something I always put up with and to top it all she contacts someone who is married known for 30 yrs and was a school days and teenage lover.and says he always been in her life they exhange texts she says flirts a bit but states she loves me and says those words are difficulft to say. Now to present day I still as and when reqd type person but she now suspects she is very ill and has said she only wants her mum and brother around her! And I know she is ill I seen it so know lie.. but why shut me out and is she just playing games !

She's had a tough past, and now she's very ill. Give her a little slack, but that doesn’t mean you need to stop being the man (but a nice one! Think gentleman)

Those Saturday text's -- ahh so familiar. They use to grate on me too. She want’s to keep it light and fun. It's obvious you're more into her than she is into you.

You cannot prearrange or say the terms -- is this because of her illness or just because she's playing hard to get? If it’s the latter you need to be the man and stand your ground. Be firm but nice. Don't get into the position where she's wearing the balls in the relationship, unless that's what you'll like, because it will get harder for you to say "no" down the line.

Girls want a guy that acts the man and takes control, is mysterious, does and organises romantic things. Say you want to take her out somewhere, you’ll pick her up and it's a surprise. Plan romantic holidays/weekend breaks. Pay her some gifts, show her you love her. Start taking control. Do this on week nights where you wouldn't normally meet up (this is key!)

If after doing this for a while she still isn't responsive to her coming over to you, take a few steps back. Don't contact her. A relationship isn't just for the weekend, that's a casual fling.

Should she truly want to be and commit to you, she will contact you and at that point, you'll be in a much better position to negotiate the terms. Show that you've grown an identity and that you don't need to be with her, it'll all go towards your "I'm a man and I'm in control" image.

I don't think she is playing games,I think from what you have posted she is emotionally crippled from her past.

The good bits you get are the real her,the other bits are unhealed hurt and scars from the previous 15 years or so of heartache and broken trust.

She has stuff to deal with right now and it may be a very long time before she can physically mentally and emotionally connect in a romantic relationship.

She has told you she is not going to commit,so that's no secret.

My advice is too move on and find someone who shares the same views on relationships and future plans.

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Originally Posted by redhed35

i dont think she is playing games,i think from what you have posted she is emotionally crippled from her past.

the good bits you get are the real her,the other bits are unhealed hurt and scars from the previous 15 years or so of heartache and broken trust.

she has stuff to deal with right now and it may be a very long time before she can physically mentally and emotionally connect in a romantic relationship.

she has told you she is not going to commit,so thats no secret.

my advice is too move on and find someone who shares the same views on relationships and future plans.

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Thank you for answer yes she told me a yr ago she damaged goods and that people made her like she is! But she is difficult due to this she never wants to arrange anything prior to the Saturday as she said she never does anything in advance .also she just appears on the surface to not like having people around her house for too long it's a space thing!I have been told I care too much and she says she proberly worrys and cares too much more than she should about me so it's the whole mixed bag relationship thing sorry to say though I always use to think does she want me for one thing? And up to now its always at the very top of her mind.. many thanks

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Originally Posted by aaii

She's had a tough past, and now she's very ill. Give her a little slack, but that doesn’t mean you need to stop being the man (but a nice one! think gentleman)

Those Saturday text's -- ahh so familiar. They use to grate on me too. She want’s to keep it light and fun. It's obvious you're more into her than she is into you.

You cannot prearrange or say the terms -- is this because of her illness or just because she's playing hard to get? If it’s the latter you need to be the man and stand your ground. Be firm but nice. Don't get into the position where she's wearing the balls in the relationship, unless that's what you'll like, because it will get harder for you to say "no" down the line.

Girls want a guy that acts the man and takes control, is mysterious, does and organises romantic things. Say you want to take her out somewhere, you’ll pick her up and it's a surprise. Plan romantic holidays/weekend breaks. Pay her some gifts, show her you love her. Start taking control. Do this on week nights where you wouldn't normally meet up (this is key!)

If after doing this for a while she still isn't responsive to her coming over to you, take a few steps back. Don't contact her. A relationship isn't just for the weekend, that's a casual fling.

Should she truly want to be and commit to you, she will contact you and at that point, you'll be in a much better position to negotiate the terms. Show that you've grown an identity and that you don't need to be with her, it'll all go towards your "I'm a man and I'm in control" image.

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You are so right here very difficult to say no down the line.. and yes it's a Saturday thing and a sexual thing I would say,but we do enjoy the odd supermarket and a trip to woods for dog walk but that's it! And we have a phone call in week but nothing more!I am very much in love with her but its not quite two way this I know.. many thanks

At least you know what your dealing with, not just her, but her past, that she hasn't healed from. But this is to one-sided to be healthy, or fulfilling, for you, or her for that matter and maybe you need to rethink your own feelings, and put yourself a bit higher in priority with your own wants and needs.

So far I think you have hopes that she will change, so you hang in, and enjoy what you can get, but I doubt this gets much better, and fear that you are distracted from better, healthier, options that will make you so much happier than your present situation.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

At least you know what your dealing with, not just her, but her past, that she hasn't healed from. But this is to one-sided to be healthy, or fulfilling, for you, or her for that matter and maybe you need to rethink your own feelings, and put yourself a bit higher in priority with your own wants and needs.

So far I think you have hopes that she will change, so you hang in, and enjoy what you can get, but I doubt this gets much better, and fear that you are distracted from better, healthier, options that will make you so much happier than your present situation.

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Well I been in touch with her! She claims she wishes to be on her own and want no one and her health which has been bad partly due to women's issues is an issue,she said that she tried to give her heart away but failed she said its all health related and there is no one else but I have to take that as read because her past does involve a lot of men but I cannot question too much.she said she has loved me etc but don't want anyone now!and that she will always ring me.. I declined this I know that in the 1 yr I been with her its been one hell of a merry go round with her wanting and not wanting me,affection for two months then coldness.my health has suffered I am under doctor now for my lack of interest in things and my stone and abit weight loss in one month,just to add we both 46 yrs old so her issues well who knows.. thank you

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Originally Posted by drewfus64

1 yr i been with her its been one hell of a merry go round with her wanting and not wanting me,affection for two months then coldness.my health has suffered i am under doctor now for my lack of interest in things and my stone and abit weight loss in one month,just to add we both 46 yrs old so her issues well who knows.. thankyou

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Sorry to hear of your news, though you must remember one thing -- time heals all wounds.

Focus on putting engery into things you love, things that make you smile.

Take care :)

Thanks to all! I had the same thing happen again the I don't want to be with no one again! So I emailed a poilte mail got a less than polite one back,I tried to ask her why she thinks and does what she does but as always a answer never appears.she has done this several times now and the fact it happened with the first two months of knowing her that was oct 09 then I got don't want intimacy and a don't want to be resposable for anyone's pain again,but we passed that we got on then christmas was soon coming and dec time I got another odd phrase "i still get you a present even if we friends" but we were more than that then as she had previously told me! Things were OK till January and I got "time is suppose to heal and its all her fault and i dont deserve the pain etc" so as you see this was happening on and off. It happened once at easter and now again.. enough was enough I tried hard but my stress was too much and she stated tried to give her heart away but could not.. my last mail from her was a better one but have to say hurts a bit. She quoted that all my text messages in her phone still,her items in room which I got her are still there,the picture frame which contains my holiday post card (sept 09) to her with a maple leaf and dollar bill is still present in room! But most of all the odd one is the tin of deodrant in her wardrobe which was mine she kept. She states she wants to build on good memories and not to see the bad in her etc.. she said she loved me but it got lost along the way in the bitter resentment of the not so magical times? I really don't know what she writes at times anyway. A 10 minute call to her and I asked about her reasons all I got when I said she cannot cope with relationships she said she cannot. So why put folk through all this I wonder.. ok many thanks to all I must try and move on but its not easy..
And she said she wants to build on my memories and clings desperately to xmas when we were together

Insanity-doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results.

Ever hear of NO CONTACT whatsoever?

Read the stickies, and learn how to get back to sanity.

You know that she has been abused, and due to that is an emotional cripple. She isn't going to get better till she gets help. She has to back that choice.
I don't want to be harsh here, but just she said awhile back that she loved you, it was probably because she needed you in her life and from past experience she lost someone because she didn't say those words. With her history I really doubt that she even knows what love is or how to even express it.
You continuously seeking reassurance from her is just putting more pressure on her. She might seek reassurance from other man when out, just to feel acceptance, it may make her feel in control for a short amount of time.
Bottom line is you need to move on and leave this woman alone. She can't be forced to seek help. There are woman out there just waiting for a man that wants to love them, to have a commitment with. Get on with your life, its way to short to keep driving into the same brick wall!! Good luck

Tal gave you the definition of insanity, and I agree with that. But don't feel too bad because based on that definition, most of the U"S" population is insane. So hang in there if you want, you will get tired of it eventually