Ask Me Help Desk - Understanding 20 why.o. Girls

I want to put a controversial theme over the table here:

What does "I want to live the life" really means in terms for early 20 yo girls?

This question could be focused on 2 directions also:

1) If they are ending the relationship, or

2) if they want to keep their existing relationship, but they seem to "blame you" by "not letting them" do what they want to do

And what would be the best course of action for us (the primitive too serious males) about such a surprising slap from our "party life" females?

Women and men are welcome to my club :D

Hey there,

Well, Glad you asked and I'm so in tune with what you are saying. I have come out of a 3 year relationship 3 1/2 months ago with my ex that I was engaged to. She was 17 when I met her and now 20, I was 23 and now 26. If you want to read my story, here is a link to the initial thread:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...elp-39548.html

I was left heartbroken by her leaving me and yet the main reason was that she wanted to live the single life or at least go out and experiment and go wild for a bit. This is something I think she felt she missed out on having met me at the age of 17 and had not really experienced it fully or gotten it out of her system. I on the other hand was 23 when I met her and had certainly spent a good 5 years having the kind of fun any young person should have. Like so many others have pointed out on here, most young men and women go through this phase in their early 20's and are rarely (if at all) ready for a serious relationship. She gave me all the clues as you will see in my thread, like saying months before the break-up, "I wish I was single again" and "I wonder what things would be like with another man" and many more clues. Yet I treated her very well and the relationship was normal as far as relationships go. There was a big problem though...

She was 6 years younger than me. Some wise people on here have pointed out to me that 6 years difference does not mean a lot later in life but at the age difference between 20 and 26 there is a huge difference. People between these ages are still maturing and exploring who they are and what they want. Sadly, I was personally deluded that my situation was in some way different, that she would never want to live the wild, single life...

But, I was wrong and having ignored the warning signs, I ended up completely heartbroken, left trying to pick up the pieces while she went off and had her fun with her friends and so on. I can't really push too much blame onto her since I had lived my single life and had the fun she wanted so it would be selfish to say that she cannot do that. I was however quite angry with the fact that she and her parents pushed for us to get engaged which I felt at the time, we should have taken it more slowly but agreed to it since I loved the woman. 9 months or so after the engagement, this happened and I had so many regrets for not noticing the red flags sooner.

Anyway back to your question:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Makiavelic76

What does "I want to live the life" really means in terms for early 20 yo girls?

This question could be focused on 2 directions also:

1) If they are ending the relationship, or

2) if they want to keep their existing relationship, but they seem to "blame you" by "not letting them" do what they want to do

And what would be the best course of action for us (the primitive too serious males) about such a surprising slap from our "party life" females?

I want to live the life means that they simply want to go out and have fun with their friends, party, enjoy life without the worry of how their actions affect others. If they are ending the relationship, then it may be that they want to experiment with other men both intimately and possibly emotionally. They don't want to be put in a situation where they end up cheating on you and if they end the relationship, they are not restricted to what they can do.. Put simply, they are not any longer tied down and free to do what they like, when they like without hurting anyone (except themselves)

If they want to keep the existing relationship but they seem to blame you by not letting them do what they want to do then I would suggest that they are firstly entering dangerous territory by wanting to stay in the relationship. My ex blamed me in some ways for losing her friends and single life, yet I never stopped her going out with her friends, she just lost them because most moved on with their boyfriends and did not bother to contact her, except one which is the one that she now goes out with and has met a new circle of friends through. I actually encouraged her to go out on he own with her friend whenever she wanted as long as I could spend some time with her. If they are blaming you because they say they cannot do what they want to do because of you, it could be that you are possessive and don't want them to go out but this is quite unhealthy and would end up causing resentment.

I think mostly, women at the age of 20 want to see what else is out there. It hurts to think like this when you are in love with this person and yet you are ready for different things but sadly this is the way life goes. I have learned some major lessons over the last 3 1/2 months while reflecting on things and one of these is to find a woman who knows what she wants and has been through all this... or rather she will find me..

I hope this answers your questions. Sorry if it was a bit long but I did like the questions you raised.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Makiavelic76

What does "I want to live the life" really means in terms for early 20 yo girls?

And what would be the best course of action for us (the primitive too serious males) about such a surprising slap from our "party life" females?

Usually it means that they are wanting a variety of experiences with a variety of people and aren't yet ready to settle down to a stable life with one person and the hard work of a serious relationship.

Usually the best course of action is to back off and let them do that without taking it too personally. If you must take it personally, consider that it's their way of telling you that you're a primitive, too-serious male who tends to smother them with too much attention and a dash of jealousy. If you are older and more mature than they are, you might consider setting your sights on older women who have finished their "party life" phase.

Well, in my earliest 20's (im 27 now), I couldn't consider myself as party man, I guess I always be very estable (no too high not too low). And on this days, well... let's just yes.. I'm so good to p.a.r.t.y. LOL.

Did you ever guys felt that they (our beloved divas) are blamming us to be something we are not? I mean, I received claims like: "you are not jelows at all" and the next day, just because you asked: hey baby, how was the party?. Sudently you became a "controlling freak".

If I'm not jellous, I'm not possesive, I try to understand those phases on them, where do we have to expect the BALANCE on this kind relationships from them?.

Or, that back off coourse of action would be an inevitable "sit back, i'm going to fish around" that feeling really stinks..

Maybe we need a woman point of view here, I'm getting dizzy with so much contradiction LOL

OK I'm a girl so ill try to help ;-)

<<Did you ever guys felt that they (our beloved divas) are blamming us to be something we are not? I mean, I received claims like: "you are not jelows at all" and the next day, just because you asked: hey baby, how was the party?. Sudently you became a "controlling freak".
>>

Ha that's just women ;-)
Keep with the 'not being jealous ':) instead of asking anything.

<<And what would be the best course of action for us (the primitive too serious males) about such a surprising slap from our "party life" females?
>>
Let her party as she wants really without asking too mnay questions... that will then start her wondering why you are not jealous.
Remember the more you let a girl do what she wants , the more she will not want to do it.

20 year old girls are like 20 year old boys, still growing and finding about themselves, and the world around them.

I agree! I am a 20 year old female. Sometimes we need space. Lucky for my boyfriend I am not a partier but there are time I want to live the life and do what I do... and about the whole jealous thing. If you ask a women how was the party and she over reacts, thnk about how you would answer if you did something that you shouldn't have done.. now does it sound like "oh it was fine".. which would bring more questions.. or "damn it was just a party gosh." and secondly it really depends on the female, she could mean, I want you to set down the rules tell me like the man you are I'm not going anywhere and you don't care.. or she really could mean I need a little time. And if she is older then 24 still trying to party every weekend and all the party stuff, let her go because obviously she doesn't want to grow up and by the time she realizes she does it will be to late for her and her relationships!

Oh boy!! OK, it seems that most of this theme depends on the indiviality of the female. There's some who likes that a man told them what to do, there's others who want their space, and all the mixes and ranges in between, (of course there's others who like to tell the man what to do LOL).

Here's another point, if you were used to party (and a lot) with your female, why does it sudently they want to party alone or with their friends only? I'm not talking that ALL the times our pretty roses should go out EXCLUSIVELY with us. But in my experience (hopefully not so messed up), they seem to be more unconfortable when we go out alone, rather what we feel when they do out alone.

So to speak, I like to party with my girl, but when I start to sense that she might want to go out alone, well, should I invite myself in or just say, hey baby have fun take care, I might be fixing the stereo tonight LOL.

Say have fun.. but you can go out alone with your friends as well.. why stay in just because she goes out? Don't be a stalker and go to the same places she is at but.. have fun as well... Don't INVITE Yourself! If she wants you to go she will tell you, and if you really want to go, tell her like this, "baby lets have some fun together!" don't sound cry baby-ish just let her know you might want to join. Don't tell her your coming.. that's an argument waiting to happen!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Makiavelic76

Here's another point, if you were used to party (and a lot) with your female, why does it sudently they want to party alone or with their friends only? I'm not talking that ALL the times our pretty roses should go out EXCLUSIVELY with us. But in my experience (hopefully not so messed up), they seem to be more unconfortable when we go out alone, rather what we feel when they do out alone.

So to speak, I like to party with my girl, but when I start to sense that she might want to go out alone, well, should I invite my self in or just say, hey baby have fun take care, I might be fixing the stereo tonight LOL.

A lot of the time when females feel uncomfortable with allowing you to tag along to a party (so to speak) it is because they are worried that if another man wants to dance with them, you might get jealous. It does not necessarily mean that though, it depend on the man and the woman. Sometimes women just want to have girls nights out and have space from their boyfriends. Why should you do everything together anyway? That is not healthy. I don't think that females are more uncomfortable when us men go out alone as we are with them going out on the town alone.

It all boils down to TRUST and this is a major thing in any serious relationship. Without trust, the relationship will not last long guaranteed.

The last point you made, if she says she is going out alone with her friends, then just say o.k take care and have fun tonight. Women don't want to be controlled and they certainly want to be trusted. If they are trustworthy and have given you no other reason to believe otherwise, then they should be treated with the respect that you would expect of them too..