Ask Me Help Desk - Relationship

My girlfriend and I have been together for 6 months. About a month ago she started mentioning that she doesn't feel the same way about me as she did when we first started talking. She said that she isn't the kind of girl that dates people, she is the girl that guys flirt with and she is the one night stand girl. I told her that she isn't but she insisted that she was and that we weren't meant to be together. After several hours of begging her that I didn't want to loose her she agreed to stay with me. Then, about a week ago she said the same thing. Only this time she told me that she had been lying about things. When I asked she told me about a few guys she had been with before we started talking. I told her that I didn't care what happened before just as long as it's in the past we can still be together. So after telling her that I didn't want to be without her she agreed to stay together but this time she said that she wasn't going to put her whole heart into our relationship and that she wanted to go weeks without talking. I told her as long as I'm with you I know it will all work out. After a week of not talking or seeing each other at all, I texted her and told her that I wanted her to call just so I could hear her voice and I missed her and I love her. About 5 hours later she called and simply said that she feels bad because we aren't talking and that she wants to take a break for at least a month and it would be selfish of me to deny her that. I told her that I was afraid that after that month she won't want to be with me, all she could say is silly boy you don't know if we will get back together or not. Then she said bye and hung up the phone, I tried calling her back but she has turned her phone off. I have heard that saying that if you love someone let them go, and if they come back to you then you then you'll know. I just don't want her to be with anyone else, even if it is for one night. You can call me selfish of whatever but I just can't do it.

So what's your plan then? Begging, and crying, or just keep calling until you get her pizzed off?

Acting like a stalker? Flowers, candy, and gifts maybe? None of these will work so if you care so much, give her what she asked for,

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she wants to take a break for at least a month and it would be selfish of me to deny her that.

The way I see it, that's they only way you can keep your dignity, and self respect.

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I have heard that saying that if you love someone let them go, and if they come back to you then you then you'll know

I heard that to many decades ago, and I think its very true.

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I just don't want her to be with anyone else, even if it is for one night. You can call me selfish of whatever but I just can't do it.

That would be up to her Mr. SELFISH, and I don't see as you have a choice without making a fool of yourself, so its your choice.

I think she has chosen what probably appears to her to be the only way out of the relationship without you guilt-tripping her into staying.

Read the stickies at the top of the Relationship Board especially the one about No Contact. There is a lot of valuable advice in those threads.

Then go NC (No Contact), delete all forms of contact you have with her including but not limited to FaceBook, MySpace, phone numbers (home, cell, work, etc.), do not ask friends/family for updates on how she is doing, stop them if they try to tell you, etc. Let her contact you, if she does. Actually, I would suggest ignoring any contact from her.

You need to let go of her and all of your expectations of what the relationship should be. Give yourself time, space and permission to heal. Someday, you will find someone who wants to build a relationship with you. I don't think she is ready or the one for you at this time.

IF you do get back with her, work out the issues that caused this separation before getting involved again. Don't just try to pick up where you left off. It won't be long before the same problems are occurring again.

Love is a strong and powerful emotion, but a relationship cannot survive and grow if only one person is doing all the work. Sometimes, you have to be willing to let one love go before you find the one that stays and works with you to build something great.

As much as it hurts now to find out you're in a one-sided relationship, be happy she is being honest about it with you. I have been in a similar situation and know many others who have also had to deal with having your heart , hopes and aspirations shattered. It is devastating.

But from the perspective of ,what if she had NOT told you and let things go on with you getting more involved and feeling your love was growing and the bond getting stronger? Finding the truth in this circumstance is usually from a third party or some e mail you might find , there are thousands of possibilities.
I feel this is even more destructive and painful and psychologically damaging.

I think you should be moving on with your life and look for the one who wants most of the same things in life and relationships as you. And I say this knowing how hard it is to accept and how much (for the time being) pain it is causing.

There is always a chance you can work things out with her but from what you said I think getting out is what you need to do now.
The world is full of great people that just need to find each other so start looking.

Be happy her honesty may have saved you from something that potentially could be much worse. The pain will fade.

Almost everyone has to go through a heartbreak like this. You will find a way and it will make you appreciate the real thing even more when you find it.

So move on and circulate and accept this experience as a painful step towards fulfillment of better things.

Not much to add as it's all pretty well covered by the previous posts.

Unfortunately she has made her mind up , the best you can do is accept it and go complete NC. The more you push her to be in contact at the moment the more she'll pull away.

Let her be and at least keep your dignity intact.

About 10 months ago I started a new job and met a girl. When I first told her that I was interested we stood out in the parking lot for almost 2 hours after work talking about everything. She told me that she had been with several guys in the past 6 months because she was cheated on by her ex boyfriend and that was her way of getting rid of the pain. I didn't think anything about it simply because I thought if it doesn't work out then at least I would be able to be with her physically. After a few weeks of talking I knew that this wasn't simply a physical attraction, it was more. We spent everyday together, after we got off work we would talk on the phone on our way home and then after showering we would meet somewhere and just sit and talk for hours about anything that we could think of.
After a month had gone by I told her that I wanted to take the next step and start dating because I hadn't felt that way for anyone in such a long time. She told me that she wasn't the girl who dates people, she was the girl who guys flirt with and she was the girl who gives head, and the occasional sex but nothing more. I didn't believe that for one second. I just thought that she was still hurting from the ex. When I told her what I thought she broke down and told me that the last guy she was talking to played mind games with her. He would see her outside of work and they would hang out but when it came to being at work he didn't want anyone to know that they even knew each other. But when they were working together he would text her and ask her why she didn't say hi to him and when she did he told the guys he was around that she was stalking him. She continued to tell me that all of that lasted for almost 2 years. So when he would cast her aside she would fin someone to have sex with and get rid of the pain.
I told her that as long as I'm not just someone who she is going to hide behind then the past is the past and I wouldn't hold it against her. So after 3 months she said that she was over that guy and that she was ready to date me if I still wanted to have her. I told her yes I still wanted to date her.
Shortly after she transferred to a different location to be closer to her home. We still called each other and even got our days off on the same days so we could be together. Everything was going pretty good until I asked her one day if she still kept in contact with any of the guys she use to be with. She told me that they text her every now and then. I told her that I didn't really like her texting them because if made me feel like she missed that lifestyle. She told me I didn't own her and I wasn't her dad. But she stopped texting them, or so I thought. All she would do is wait till I wasn't around and text them. But with her and I spending all of our time together when we weren't at work she grew out of touch with some of her other friends. I told her that if she wanted to we could just not hang out but she told me that they didn't care cause they never call her.
A month or two went by and we had our fights and disagreements like any other couple. Then she told me that she felt we were spending too much time together and that we could still talk on our breaks and lunch, and we still had our days off we could spend together but the other 5 days she wanted to just have to herself. I told her that was OK with me and for a while she seemed content with the way things were. But about 2 months ago she said that she felt as if we were talking and seeing each other too much.
Here is a break down of my normal time of talking and spending with her: two 15 minute breaks a night, one hour lunch, and then our 2 days off. The days we were working I didn't talk to her outside of work.
I couldn't understand how she wanted more time away from me but I said OK. We still talked on our breaks and lunches but when it came to our days off she would always have a excuse as to why we couldn't see each other. I grew more and more irritated with the whole situation and told her that I at least wanted 1 day where her and I could spent together. I didn't care what day or what we did just as long as we were together. She said that she understood where I was coming from and agreed.
Then 1 month ago she would get angry over something that would just seem like nothing to get upset about and when I would argue back with her she would tell me that she doesn't want to be with me anymore because I am always mean to her. So I stopped arguing with her. When she would get mad at me for something I did I would just say I am sorry and that she was right, just so I could avoid us breaking up. Then about a week ago she told me that she doesn't have the same feelings for me as she use to. She said it wasn't fair to me if her and I were in a relationship and I was the only one who was putting any effort into it. The next day her sister had surgery and had to have one of her ovaries removed. So my girlfriend has been there with her taking care of her every need. I told her that I understand that she has a lot of stuff on her plate and me trying to see and talk to her would be almost impossible but I was willing to sit back and let her do what she needed to do but us still date. She told me she doesn't love my anymore and that we are 2 different people. I convinced her that we should stay together after an hour long talk. Then yesterday I sent her a text saying that when she got a chance to call me because I missed her and wanted to hear her voice. About 5 hours later she called, she sounded annoyed that she was even talking to me. I asked how she was doing and her sister. She said we're OK everyone is OK. I asked her if it would be OK if I came and picked her up and we go get something quick to eat, that way she could get away from everything and I could see her. She told me that I was asking for too much and that she didn't want to be with me anymore and that it would be selfish of me try to keep her with me. I told her that I didn't want to loose her. She said that she just needed a break to figure some things out, after a month then we could see about getting back together. I told her that I was afraid that after that month she wouldn't want to be with me. All she said was silly boy you don't know if we will get back together or not. Then she said bye and hung up the phone. I tried to call her back but she turned her phone off. I feel like I'm going crazy, I don't know if I should wait for her, and after the month has gone by and she does want to get back together with me I don't want to find out she was with another guy, even if it was for one night. Or if I wait and after that month she tells me that she never wants to be with me again. I mean the list is never ending. I want to just show up at her house and ask her, how can I feel this way if we aren't meant to be together. But every time I get into my vehicle I tell myself that I am being irrational and I need to stop. So I ask you for help.

This relationship had so many red flags before it even started. She obviously isn't the relationship kind of girl. I think she liked you at first because she could talk to her and you helped her get over her ex. Then it just lagged on...

But for her to say,

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Originally Posted by hrtandconfused143

Then about a week ago she told me that she doesn't have the same feelings for me as she use to. She said it wasn't fair to me if her and I were in a relationship and I was the only one who was putting any effort into it.

That's your answer right there. She isn't interested in you anymore. You need to go NC with her right away. Delete her phone number, throw out anything that reminds you of her, etc, etc.

Please believe me when I say there are so many women out there. This one doesn't deserve you. You will find the sweetest loveliest girl, but first you need to get over this one.

Stick to NC and you will be good.

You served your purpose, you gave her a chance to get over her ex, and now she is strong enough to go solo.

Bow out gracefully, and leave her alone. Basically, the same advice as your other post, that was merged with this one.

These merged threads get confusing at times lol, either that or Im losing it.

Anyway, I think all the previous posters have given you sound advice, this girl doesn't want a relationship with you, and all of the cajoling and convincing her she should isn't going to work, she wants out she is out, now you've got to move on and accept that.

No matter why she doesn't want what you want, she doesn't and that's that, whether she's played you or not is irrelevant she wanted out.

All you can do now is go No Contact Details HERE and stick with the rules. You can never make a person want you, they either do or they don't, and nothing you say or do is going to make a blind bit of difference to any girl.

Go No Contact and get on with your life and let this girl get on with hers, that's about all you can do.

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how can I feel this way if we aren't meant to be together.

There is your answer. You have taken your side of it, your feelings, and think hers are the same. Clearly from her words, and actions they are NOT.

That's what you need to accept is her feelings are not the same as yours, and let this go!

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Originally Posted by hrtandconfused143

But every time I get into my vehicle I tell myself that I am being irrational and I need to stop. So I ask you for help.

Asking the same question over and over again will not change the advice that you have been given. It will probably re-enforce the idea you and she are at different places in your lives. It won't get us to tell you what you want to hear.

Asking for advice is not the same as wanting the advice given.

It is painfully clear that you want people to tell you to play Prince Charming, storm the castle, 'rescue' your Princess from herself, and ride off into the sunset to live happily ever after. You want a Fairytale ending in real life. It doesn't happen that way.

Life is a diary or journal where you write what you did. No endings because each day it gets added to. It doesn't end because you are with someone or someone's story diverges from yours.

Let her go. Let yourself heal. Let her write her story and you continue your own.

If the stickies and the advice given don't help you, I really don't know what would, outside of paying a professional to get the same thing.

Have to spread the rep.

Unfortunately we can't see you or you us, or I would be saying to you watch Talanimans lips, "she doesnt want what you want or you for that matter its over"

If you must go play prince charming then go try it, you must be a sado masochist on the quiet.

I feel for that girl, I know they say love is blind, had no idea it was also deaf dumb and st**** as well.

Oh the pains of youth. Hehe.

Im sure you come here enough times the penny will drop. And you'll then thank us...

Give it up mate you're history. Sorry but its true.

I can only tell you what happened to me. I was dating this girl and after a couple of years we got engaged. Some time after that she said she wanted to end our relationship, I don’t remember why. I was upset and I said to her, there are all kinds of guys out there better than me and worse than me but you won’t find another me. She walked away with the engagement ring and I went and got drunk. Why I don’t remember but she came back and we were married for over 46 years. If it’s meant to be it will be.