Ask Me Help Desk - My girlfriend wants to take a break

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I met my girlfriend at my first year of college. She is in her second year of college. We met, and she is my first love. I am her 6 partner. We have been dating for 8 months. She is from Guam, and I am from California. We both go to school in California, and live on campus. It is now summer, and we both went back home, her to Guam, me back to where I live in California. She met up with her ex in less than a week of her arriving back on Guam. Her ex and her dated for ~1-2 months last summer. (We met at the beginning of the school year. With in a month of her leaving her ex. While we first dated she told me she still loved her ex.) When she met him again this summer, he said "leaving her was the worst mistake of his life" she said that her ex promised her that he would love, be there for her, etc... I did all of that to her when we were together at school, and do what I can via email/phone. My girlfriend wants me to be there for her and hold every night (which I did while together in school). She got pregnant, (which I was not the first person to be told, yet the 5th and the other people she told were not family but some friends. Her mom still does not know.) She had an abortion, which ultimately was her decision to do. She says she has nightmares about the unborn child and things bother her because of it. This causes a large amount of stress for both of us. I am always there to help her thought it. She has only attempted to help me through it once.

I was talking to her and she said she wanted to take a break for the summer. Her one of her reason is "sometimes i feel like i wanna go on a break, just because i miss you too much and its really hard for me not to have you here, because you're such a huge part of my life and you help me deal with the abortion" "i just wanna go on a break so that i can have "more fun" " What does "more fun" mean We do have sex, and often I can make her orgasm with my p****, which she said out of her other 5 partner have never been able to do. I don't know if that is relevant, but what "more fun" meant to me me was that she is a slut and wants more p**** in her? She did cheat on her first boyfriend.

I took this as it was over. I handled it (or what I thought it was) as an adult, and told her if it would help, then we should go on a break. Told her to do what is best for her, that she need to think about herself first. (I personal fail to do this, I always put ALL of her needs before any of mine, but I have been working on it). She then got mad at me and said that "you came off as though you didnt give a what happened to us. you didnt.. fight for us". When ever we talk and I tell her that I love her, she says "no you don't" however this is always when she is not happy. It is not when she is mad, but just in any mood other than happy. After this happened she started to blame it on the nightmares. This also happened before her and her family leave for a 20 day vacation. So now I can not talk to her.

I am some poor boy for nowhere, where everybody is meant to grow up and work construction. She is a very smart (4.3 gpa) and a model. I don't know how I ever convinced her to like me, but I did it.

What would you do? I don't know what to do, I have two friends who have never had girlfriends. I am a poor, looser boy, that is confused and needs help.

You may be poor but hardly a loser.

You chalk your first experience up as a great learning experience, and get her out of your system ( that may be impossible, but at least be able to deal with your own life without her), and get ready for the second love of your life. The big clue here, she didn't stop at one, why should you??

Read the stickies poor boy, and learn that their will be many more where she came from, and just because she has sex with many guys, doesn't mean she is a slut. When you get to be as experienced as she is will that make you a slut too?

It sounds like she has a lot of issues and baggage that she will have to figure out on her own or with the help of a therapist.

While its tough, you will probably be better off in the long run.

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Originally Posted by ARD_child

I took this as it was over. I handled it (or what i thought it was) as an adult, and told her if it would help, then we should go on a break. Told her to do what is best for her, that she need to think about herself first. (i personal fail to do this, i always put ALL of her needs before any of mine, but i have been working on it). She then got mad at me and said that "you came off as though you didnt give a what happened to us. you didnt.. fight for us".

Classic mind games. She asked for a break, you agreed, but what she really wanted was for you to throw a fit and tell her no? It's better to let this one go. Too many issues, must cancel subscription.

You do seem like a nice guy who is willing to put up with all of it. Problem after problem after problem, yet you've been patient throughout. However, she goes home crying to her ex. Her ex comes crying to her and they leap into each other's arms.

More and more problems occur and she asks for a break instead of making a clean break up. Sounds more like she wants to try to resparks her relationship with her ex. If that doesn't work out, she can always come crying back to you when school starts again.

Sounds like she's the type of girl who needs a guy by her side all the time. If you're not physically there by her side, then she will find someone else who will.

She's got a lot of insecurity issues. You learned a great deal in this past relationship. Now take that experience and move forward with your life.

Don't be so harsh on yourself. If she's a 4.3 student and a model, she must have saw something good in you to be with you. Don't sell yourself short. 6+ billion other people in the world. I'm sure that you'll find someone to be happy with, you just need to go meet them.

Frist of all, my girlfriend and I go to college together. She is from Guam, and I am from Califorina. We both went back home for the summer. We keep in contact over email.

We message each other and she is always hinting at sex. However, while we were together in school we would have sex, but a couple of times a week (not a lot but not a little either). Nearing the end of the school year, she would keep leading me on, i.e. giving me blue balls. Like indicating that she wants to give head, but won't. Now this does not bother me at all, and I have told her that.

I have told her this many times before: "That the reason i am with her is not for sex, or the way she looks but because i love her and her personality."

In one message she said "Why don't you ever respond to the sexual things I say? You don't find me attractive anymore? :( " This is not true, because I still find her extremely beautiful. But I am offended at why she does not know/forgot why I do not respond to them as I have told her many times. I am not sure as to how to handle this situation.

You mean you're back together or something, despite the break up she needed while you are apart??

How did that happen and is she your girl or not. From your previous posts I think she keeps in contact and gives you the sexy talk to keep you hot, and weak for when the summer is over, and you get back together.

You either respond and let her know she is keeping you hot and bothered and can't wait for the real thing to happen this fall, or you do your thing and see if she means what she is feeding you by email, which takes no efforts, or commitment.

Building desire and hope, over sexy emails is a game any chump falls for. Rich or poor, smart or dumb!!

If you can't play her game, and keep your wits about you, you better leave her alone.

Threads merged

So my girlfriend I and were having problems over summer. When we got back to school (we are both in college) it went OK for about a week. Then she wanted to take a break, and I was opposed to this and said we should just break up, so we did. Later that night she showed up at my room and wanted to get back together. We did. Then 5 days later, she wanted to take a break again, because she wanted to figure out who she was, again I was opposed and thought that we should just break up. She convinced me that she loved me and told me that we are going to get back together when she was ready. Before I left she said "i still love you, and we arn't broken up, and we are going to get back together soon." Then next night she went to a party and hooked up with a guy. She waited 4 days then told this to me. Naturally I felt betrayed, and angered. I broke up with here. While we were talking she kept urging me to yell at her, call her names, and hit her. I did none of these, as I know that would not help me. I did tell here how I felt about it.

I would like to know if how I handled the situation was a proper way? I also see here around campus, and have no intent to, but what would be an appropriate way to talk to her if needed? Is it rude to walk past her and not acknowledge that she is there? How do I deal with the anger of this? Is it wrong that I do not feel sad about not being with her anymore? By the way she was my first love.

-thank you

I'm sorry this happened to you. I think you handled the situation properly. You outright told her that you loved her and wanted to get back together sometime and she abused that. To me it looks like she wanted the comfort of knowing someone loved her and she had a fall-back but also wanted to sleep around.

So in my opinion, the way you reacted (not feeling sad anymore, breaking up, etc.) was the proper response and I don't think you should second guess yourself because if you keep going back on it, she might just do it all over again.

As for dealing with seeing her at school, just be civil and emotionally detached. Talk to her as you would any other friend or acquaintance but don't bring up the relationship and if she does, say "it's over and done with" and don't talk about it further. That's just how I'd handle it.

For now just try to focus on school. Hope things get better for you!

I am so confused. So I was having no feelings except anger towards my ex. She came over today to pick up some of her belongings. We then started talking a little, to try to ease up the tension. (We have been passing each other a lot at school and it has been awkward). I now am thinking I might still love her. But before I didn't want to get back with her because she cheated on me, and I still don't want to get back with her. But at the same time I am starting to love her again and want to get back together again, but I know I shouldn't. I am confused.

How do I get over her? Please help me.

Well, you said you "know I shouldn't" so you acknowledge that it's a bad idea. Okay, good start.

Now the best thing you can do is go out and live your life for you. Do things you like. Things maybe you weren't able to do in the relatioship. It'll be hard but you almost have to force yourself to do it. Go to a bar or a club or a party and meet people. Don't have to look for a relationship, just find some friends.

You just need to get your mind off her. The feelings will pass eventually. Riding it out won't be easy so occupy your time, ask your friends or family to keep you busy. I don't know how many times I've had to tell people "Hey, I"m going through some difficult stuff, can you keep me in mind if you're planning anything?" People are usually very happy to accomidate :)

My ex girlfriend got pregnant, and it was her decision to have an abortion. I regret the decision and get saddened sometimes when I think about it. After we broke up she said that she would be there for me when I needed help dealing with it, I told her that I would help her deal with it also.

While we were together, she had a hard time dealing with it also. I always helped to the best of my ability to ease the pain. But when ever I was feeling down she never tried very hard to make me feel better.

She has called me multiple times when she needed help (post break-up) and I helped her through it. I have called her a few times, and she has never helped me or tried to help me. She also only calls me when her new boyfriend is not there, for casual conversation.

I have no intention of getting back with her. I see her at college often, so I want whatever will make these "visits" the least awkward.

My question is should I continue helping her, even thought I feel she will never help me?

This is a tough one. I understand that you're feeling upset about the abortion, the decision to end this life, but she was the one that physically went through this, and the emotional turmoil on her was far greater.

She may not realize that you're hurting too. When you think of the abortion you likely think about the child that could have been, the baby that you two made together. When she thinks about it she not only thinks about the child, but remembers the procedure, the guilt in actually physically going through with it. It's a hard pill to swallow for many women.

Talk to her about how you feel, or go to no contact, after all, you two are no longer together and even though this experience did happen and is an experience you share, you don't owe her anything anymore as she's no longer your girlfriend.

The choice really is yours. If you're only there for her because you're expecting her to be there for you, than walk away because you can't force someone to comfort you. If you want to be there for her and don't expect anything in return, than that's your choice as well.

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ERROR: You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Altenweg again.

If you were not so available you would not have to make that decision to help her out so much. While you are dealing with your own demons, leave hers alone, because she obviously can't return what she takes from you.

I suspect she wants you to suffer as she may still be suffering and that may not be fair, and not what friends do for each other.

Your thing is over, move on, and let her do so too, without your help.