How can I cope with being molested by my older brother?
My older brother molested me numerous times when I was about 12 years old. I would be sleeping and he would come in to my room at night, lift the covers, and touch me or rub himself on me. I was so scared I would just lay there and pretend I was asleep. It got to the point where I would hide a knife under my pillow and tell myself the next time it happens I would kill him. Of course, I was too scared to do that, too. One day we got in to an argument and I finally exploded and told him if he did ever touch me again that I would kill him. He laughed at me, called me sick... then, he called his buddies over. They stood in my door way and laughed at me and made fun of me. I grabbed my knife and started cutting myself instead. For years I cut myself trying to get rid of the memories and the pain. I told my mom, she didn't want to believe me. She sent me away to live with my dad. I was hospitalized for cutting. I turned to drugs, alcohol, and for some strange reason I craved sexual attention from men. Soon after I was hospitalized yet again... but I was only put there because my dad was unable to handle me. He left me there until my mom agreed for me to come live with her. Things got better for awhile. Until my brother moved back in with her. I kept my door locked, slept fully clothed but one night I heard the lock on my door pop. I laid there silent... trying not to breathe. I felt my covers being lifted so I quickly turned on my stomach hoping he would leave. He did and I heard him lock the door again. I called the police. A detective came out the same day and my mom was so upset. After he left she begged me to tell him that it was all a dream. She said it would ruin his life and he would never get a job. So, I did... and my mom ended up kicking me out. Recently, I just moved back home from Clearwater after ending a bad relationship. I had no where to go so I moved in with my mom. My brother was living in the garage. I woke up one night and found him sitting on the side of my bed with one of my breasts out of my sports bra and my pants just below my waist. I screamed "!!!!" and he got up and ran. I called the cops again. I filed a report but since I wasn't sure he pulled out my breast and they didn't just come out in my sleep... they couldn't arrest him for just sitting on my bed looking at me. *Creep* I don't know what else I can do. We got in to a fight shortly after, I didn't know I was pregnant at the time. He had me on the ground punching me in the face and I kicked him through the front door... and of course called the police and filed a report again. They didn't do anything! NOBODY EVER DOES ANYTHING TO TRY TO HELP ME!! Now I'm pregnant, can't take anti depressants, not willing to hurt myself and risk losing my baby and I can't afford a therapist. I've been stuck most of my life and it's really wearing on me and I want to be mentally o.k. for my child. I'm so tired and I don't know what else I can do. Please help.
