Im angry depressed and losing it
Hello occupants of the ask me, help desk forums
Let me start by getting a few things out of the way, I am 17, I have never been bullied, I have a tolerable home life, and hate the majority of people I meet. So, any answers relating to it being normal for teens, or bullying, or a poor home life, or finding people I can relate to are not welcome as I would like an answer rather than a generic "cheer up kido" response I find far to often in the majority of posts I find written by people of my age. Thank you
Progressing onwards. As stated above I am 17, and I suffer from issues relating to repressed anger, I am not the aggressive type, or rather I am extremely aggressive but I have an equally large conscience which for the most part opposes me from taking any action upon account of my anger. This deep set conscience arises from my deep regarded for how I am held in the minds of others, and my outward portrayal. All in all I have never allowed myself to be dragged into a fight, and I normally walk away from a conflict holding onto my anger, which leads to me being a very bitter and angry person. I also have a great loathing of modern society, I was raised in a very scandanavian manner by my mother, who raised me on her own along with my younger brother and sister (both of whome are 7-9 years younger than me) without the support of maintenance. During this time she also returned to university and went on to become a full time physics teacher. For these reasons amongst many others she is a women I deeply respect. Due to my upbringing I have always felt somewhat distanced from my peers, a gap which has widened as I have grown older. I cannot relate to them, they are very ignorant stupid and materialistic, and are by-products of modern society. This has lead to a feeling of extreme anger on my part for society as a whole and the majority of people who make it up.
This anger eats away at me over the years, and has made me a very twisted person, this fact makes me feel very depressed, this is reflected mainly as a very wide spread and low level depression draping over my life, I'm restless, tired, and feel lifeless. Although I don't pose any threaght to myself, as I am not the type to self harm (if anything I would rather take it out on everyone else), it has severely affected both my social and academic endeveours, I find I'm losing my grip on my education as the top grades slip through my fingers, and am unable to motivate myself to clamour after them. I also have become socially reclused as I find I can't relate to anybody anymore, even my friends seem distant, operating on a lower level.
Bassicly I need help but I don't want to ask for it, because I can't ask for it, as I am continiousely restricting myself in what I say how I act how I come across. And I often find myself lying around at night playing out all the hypothetical situations that I have never fully seized, the times I was silent or didn't take action.