Ask Me Help Desk - My boyfriend has a child with someone else, the mother is very manipulative.

Me and my Boyfriend have been together for almost 3 years now.
He has a child with another woman and their son is 3 years old. He see's his son every other weekend & pays his child support on the regular. My only problem is I love my boyfriend very much and would do anything in the world for him. The only issue is his "Baby's Mamma" is very manipulative towards me and says things like " when the truth comes out about what he says to me it will hurt you in the end, and im just letting you know before it happens" she has done nothing but cause problems and even the courts can't do anything because there is really no proof. He does not want to tell her off because he doesn't want to jeopordize his time with his child, seeing how if the slightest thing goes wrong she'll tell him he is not seeing his child the upcoming weekend and he has no way of proving this. She literally drives me nuts. Sometime's I think I'm going to go insane... she has being doing this for over 2 years now and to her it's just not getting old. She has accused me of hitting her son, and called c.a.s on both me and my boyfriend 2x now, they did close the case but that's not the point. And when she says these things like "ya u can trust him all u want but can he trust u is the question and does he reallu love u like u say he does because as far as im concerned thats not what hes told me" that is what makes me very angry... I don't know what too do with this woman, and there is really nothing I can do I just need someone to vent to right now and hear some advice.. I am 19 and my boyfriend is 6 years older than me... She is always telling me I have no responsibilities and that I'm nothing but a " Lil gurl" who's dating her baby daddy... but I know I'm more then that to him other wise he wouldn't have been with me this long... and I know the so called things he has said too her isn't true.. well at least I hope it's not I'm there majority of the time when they are on the phone and what not and I don't see him doing this... someone please reply to me and give me some good advice... ahaa.:confused:

I am also young ( 19 ).. I have this feeling where I want a child of my own, But he claims he does not want any children right now... I know this may be because of his previous experience ( having a child with someone else and having to go through court and all that non-sence ) but I promise him every day I am not like that other woman... I am an aunt of 3 and pretty much a part-time step mom, I don't know if this feeling is normal, I have also misscarried 2x... and sometime I even have doubts that I can have children... is this a normal feeling right now... I want a little girl... :(

You need to talk to your boyfriend about all of this. If you guys have been in a relationship for 3 years you should have no problem trusting him. So talk about it. Just ask some questions. Tell him something like "i trust you but what this gal is saying worries me. do you know what she might be talking about?" things will get resolved soon. Things like this can't last forever.

I have asked him several times, and he's always saying "don't believe her you know what she's like, she's talking a bunch of bull"... which I can understand why he would say it because she is crazy and does make up very outrageous statements but the thing that has me worried is she has been telling the same things to be for 2 years now... which makes me think what the hell? Maybe she's just a pahtelogical liar and is good at remember the lies she tells and believes they are true... it's tough though! But I still love him very much and I will not let this crazy woman come between us that is why I avoid telling him all this cause he has heard it enough from me...

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Originally Posted by wee_sod

My boyfriend has a son who is 3 and with another woman, I have been with him for a while

How long is "a while": 6 months, 2 years, 4 weeks?

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but I am also young ( 19 )

NOPE!
Go to school, to get a good job. Unless you want to be a 19 year old with a baby and driving an old beater living paycheck to paycheck and maybe get a job as I don't know a secretary.

Look having kids young and unprepared is foolish. It's really hard to "make it" when you have a baby to take care of!

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.. I have this feeling where I want a child of my own,

It won't make him love you more. It won't make you more special. It'll probably ruin your relationship right now.

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But he claims he does not want any children right now... I know this may be because of his previous experience ( having a child with someone else and having to go through court and all that non-sence ) but I promise him every day I am not like that other woman

Oh fooey. You say that now, but it sounds like your pressuring the guy. Honestly I hope your not one of those girls that "forget" their pill or poke holes in condoms...

Enjoy your relationship. He is-- why can't you. It seems like your trying to top him and his previous relationship. "If she has a baby with him- I want one too!"

It's so childish, it convinces me even more that you shouldn't have a child with him right now. A few years down the road maybe but NOT now.

.

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... I am an aunt of 3 and pretty much a part-time step mom, I don't know if this feeling is normal, I have also misscarried 2x... and sometime I even have doubts that I can have children... is this a normal feeling right now... I want a little girl... :(

I'm sorry that you have miscarried. Having a child right now would be crazy. Your 19, how are you financially? Are you financially prepared for a child? What are you living arrangements?

Your boyfriend clearly does not want another child. Not because he doesn't love you, but because he doesn't want another responsibility.

Good luck to you.

I undertsand exactly what you are saying, I've been with him for almost 3 years, and trust me I'm not one of those people who poke the wholes in condoms or miss because pills, and yes I am financially set and what not. It's just a feeling I've been getting I'm scared that if I get pregnant again or whatever and plan to abort it that it will be a big mistake where I've already had 2 misscarriages.

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Originally Posted by wee_sod

I undertsand exactly what you are saying, I've been with him for almost 3 years, and trust me im not one of those people who poke the wholes in condoms or miss b/c pills, and yes I am financially set and what not. It's just a feeling I've been getting I'm scared that if i get pregnant again or whatever and plan to abort it that it will be a big mistake where ive already had 2 misscarriages.

Thankd god your not like that. Eek!

Well if a pregnancy happens... it happens. He clearly does not want a child, forcing a child on him will in fact make a guy run the other way.

I bet he loves the fact that you have great future mommy traits. Just settle down. If your really worried about your reproductive system, then go to the doctors!

Now I see the true reason why you want to have a child with him:

>Her threads were merged for the full story<

I know it's easier said than done but you shouldn't pay attention to her. She's jealous of you not only because your young but you DON'T have a child and your basically single with him enjoying your time. All he does is pay a couple visits to his child and pays her off every month or whenever.

Your with him. She isn't. She'll always "hate" you for it.

What's better feeling hurt or letting it roll off your shoulders?

Stay as far away from her as you can. You don't need to deal with her, he does. He may have a child with her but he's with you. You didn't have a child with her so no need to get involved.

Please keep all questions regarding the same issue in the same thread

He's got a lot of baggage and it's going to stick with him for a very long time. If you can't handle the fact that his ex will always be part of his life, because of his child, then don't be in a relationship with him. You chose to be in this relationship, so accept him and his baggage, or don't. You can't have your cake and eat it too.

Furthermore, it sounds like you're the on wanting to manipulate your boyfriend. You can't force him to have a child with you.

Whatever his relationship with his ex and daughter is, its theirs to deal with. Also know that you should really be focused on yourself, and your future at this time, and not adding kids to the already shaky situation.

Yes he has baggage, but its his, so staying away from the baby momma is what you do, so she can't plant the seeds of doubt in you.

What caught my eye was that you have been together since you were 16, and he was 22, and its not a coincidence that she was probably pregnant when he met you, and left her. Just an observation, and if I'm wrong correct me.

Forget having a child until you have made yourself a better more in qualified person who can support herself. While its normal to want a baby, now may not be the right time in your life, and a solid foundation is what's really important for kids, or you end up like his ex, bitter and angry that your baby daddy is with someone else.

That's a real reality nowadays

No she was not pregnant when me and him met, she left him when there son was 7monthes old because she had met someone else & she is now with this other person and they are getting married next year. It doesn't bother that she is around I could honestly care less, my boyfriend barely talks to her because they have troubles getting along & what not so he only see's her when it's time to pick up his son because any other time they talk she will turn it into an argument. She is not a very sensible person, right now she's in the process of trying to make me leave my home every other weekend, and go to my parents or some other persons house while her son is here. But I'm not trying to be rude both me and my boyfriend have decided that there is no way we will let that happen, when his son is here and am nothing but a great help, sometimes I am working so they have time to themselves but sometimes I'm not and I'm here with them and their son loves me very much and has since he was 7monthes old. I've actually known their son since he was 3monthes because I am bestfriends with my boyfriend younger sister (who is my age). So the only issue with "the baby's mama" is she is very immature and will do anything in her power to prove I am some sort of threat to her child to get me out of Travis's life. & Trust me she's been working on it for almost 3 years now but I haven't gone anywhere, I'm just waiting for the point where she gives up & grows up. She can't be mad at me for being in a relationship with her "baby daddy" when she had left him and is planning to get married, she can't have her fiancé and her baby daddy to herself, I believe she just can't let him go, and she does not want him to move on and live in misery for some stupid reason...

So ignore her, and be happy.

Oh trust me I'm very happy with my boyfriend I live my life day to day go to work see my nephews and we are planning on buying a house. The only thing that pisses me off is the way she portrays my boyfriend. She calls him a deadbeat, tells the courts he's not following court order, once she actually told him that things will get better between them with their son but there's a road block in a way and he needs to get rid of a certain someone in his life. I think instead of blaming herself for her mistakes she puts all the blame on me and says I'm the reason he only gets his son every other weekend... and blah blah blah. But I am ignoring her. She does message me constantly on my Facebook and I blocked her, and then she messaged me from her sisters saying "do you really think blocking me is going to work?" You'd think a woman with a 3 year old son who is 23 years old would grow up by now. But in my eyes I'm more mature then she'll ever be...

Why do you let her get under your skin? She is who she is. You can't change her.

Instead of saying what she can or cannot do, why don't you keep her out of your life.

Focus on your own relationship with your boyfriend. Focus on making your relationship stronger. Be happy with your boyfriend.

Again, he's got a lot of baggage and you chose to be in this relationship with someone with so much baggage. So you're going to have to find a way to deal with your choice.

P.S with the whole kid thing, my boyfriend said he doesn't want any right now. Which I agree but I would love one, you can't always get what you want right? She had also stated that I cannot have kids with him cause she said so... crazy.

Wait until his life has settled down with his child-related issues, including the child's mom.

Wait until your relationship has stabilized, before you think about having a child with him.

Furthermore, there's a chance that you're his rebound. He got out of an awful relationship with his ex, who is still very much part of his life. While he's with you. So you definitely need to give more time for this relationship to develop.

Check out this sticky: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/parent...dy-399072.html

Well I wouldn't really think of myself as a rebound. But thanks for the advice.

Sweetie I am right there with you.. Slight differences but I'm there.. Im 30, he's 27. We have a 2 year old and the other females child is 1 (he didn't cheat we were not together) issue is the "math" doesn't add up to this baby being his (he was in the army when she got pregnant if you calculate based on the ultrasound and baby's birthdate) however he claims the child as his. She wants to be with him desperatly and will stop at nothing to do so. Lying and using the child is not beneth her. And also because of this new addition he has now decided that we will not have any more children. Here is what I have learned.. girls like that always want what they can't have, and refuse to allow others to be happy without them. She is in a bitter place, and as long as she can get a reaction out of you she will contiune to do this. Unfortunately she is enjoying it. Put a stop to that. I always say Happiness is the GREATEST revenge. Enjoy your relationship with him and the child. Let her see (not hear) that you are doing just fine and she can no longer affect that happiness. Actions will always speak louder than words.
For now, your young, show her maturity, wait to have children, he is going through something difficult and doesn't want history to repeat itself, in time if a baby is in your future you will be blessed with one when you are mentaly, emotionaly and financially ready. Love and enjoy the life you have with your boyfriend and you will see it work out in your favor..

Hello,

Sounds like you have a tough situation to deal with. I can very much relate to his, as I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for close to 2 years now, and he has a 9 year old son with his exgirlfriend. I have been searching a lot on the internet for others who are in a similar situation to me, and dealing with a boyfriend with a crazy exgf and a child, and have seen a variety of answers. One I read the person had replied:

"Fact is, she came first and so did their child. They will always be tied to one another and you are the one who will have to "accept half a loaf" or accept that you need to pick someone else"

This was by far the worst, most horrible advice I read. Even though it may seem like half a relationship at times, the truth is you are there now, and you are first, as is the child, not the ex, regardless of her having a child with your boyfriend. And if your boyfriend can't put you before his ex, then he clearly is not deserving of you.

It sounds like as hard as it seems at times, you and your boyfriend must work together to decide what is appropriate communication with the ex, if you want to have a future together. You are lucky in that he only has to see her and the child every other weekend, so communication doesn't need to be frequent with the ex. Unfortunately, until the child is older and can bring information back and forth, your bf's communication with the ex may be necessary for certain things. Going to court to sort the issue out, and allow mediation to perhaps dictate which way information would be best received, would be the best solution. However in my case, that didn't nessecarily make things better.

Before I came into the relationship, my boyfriend had a bizarre relationship with his ex. She cheated on him from the moment they were together with her ex boyfriend, and wound up having a child with my boyfriend. Five years later, she left him and married the man she cheated with, and had another baby. They had been split for around 2 years when I met my boyfriend (before we were dating), and they carried on in some bizarre fashion of a friendship. My boyfriend had gotten split 50/50 joint custody, alternating weeks with the ex. But he would still take his son to her church, and all sit together - her husband and baby on one side, my boyfriend and their son on the other, with her, happily in the middle, with two families and two men.

When I came into the picture, all of that changed. My boyfriend was not lonely for any attention anymore, nor cared as much about making sure he did everything she wanted. The truth was, he was scared, that if he didn't she would take the son away from him. And because I became the dominant female in his life, his ex hated me with everything, and made it her goal to tear us apart. She even went as far as to say that he was "replacing her with me" when she had a husband, and her and my boyfriend had been apart for some time.

She would show up to everything, even on my bf's parenting weeks, doctor's appoinments, conferences, to assert herself as if she was still in a relationship with my boyfriend. She would even show up to his work randomly, all under the guise of it being "about their son". She would use their son to gain his attention, and continues to do so to this very day.

They had a journal that they used to communicate about their son, and basically she used it to keep tabs on her ex (my bf). She even started using it to bash me and criticise me behind my back. Whenever I would attend events my boyfriend had to take his son to, she would glare at me, and at the climax of all the harassment, she came up to me, calling me horrible names that would better suit her, as she was the one who been promiscuous.

Needless to say, the next day I called the cops, and filed a complaint and they told her to "cease communication with me". She retaliated on me in the journal to my boyfriend, saying that if I ever came on her property when he had to drop the son off, she would call the cops on me for tresspassing. At one point we had a camera set up to catch her driving by, knowing she was spying on us to see if I was at his house, due to the strange things she would say in the journal, that she wouldn't know unless she had been stalking us.

My boyfriend finally went to court to get rid of the journal, to try and get her to leave us alone. Unfortunately his lawyer was grossly overpaid, and succeeded more in driving him into debt, then bringing about any solutions to the problems. The only good thing that came out from mediation was that she was to respect that my boyfriend was allowed to bring who he wanted to his child's events on his week, within reason (this being ironic considering when she was with my boyfriend originally, she would bring the man she was cheating with to every event even at his own house), she was to respect his parenting time and parenting decisions, and that email was to replace the journal. Unfortunately as well, the terms of the email communication were not closely scrutinized, and the opposing council snuck in he was supposed to check it every 2 days, with a copy being sent to each party's lawyer.

To this day, some things have improved, but some things haven't. She has for the most part, stopped showing up to my bf's work, and his personal events (doctor's appointments) with his son. The ex still hates me with a passion, and writes 3 or more emails a week about petty stuff to incite a battle with my boyfriend. Although she no longer talks about me (due to the monitored nature of the emails) she is the type that even bad attention, is at least attention, and tries to stir up drama between me and my boyfriend on a weekly basis, by causing drama with him. Initially in the court preceedings, she was trying to get me banned from being around when my boyfriend had his son altogether. That not being possible, she still just can't handle me being around - this woman with a husband and another child - a whole family she has that she should be worried about taking care of instead of inciting drama with my boyfriend over every little thing. Recently, close to the two year mark in our relationship, I went on a field trip with my boyfriend and his son. I had grown close with the son, and though didn't try to replace his mother, was a good friend to him. Last minute, his ex shows up and shoots us dirty looks the whole time, when originally she wasn't on the list of attending parents. The following Monday, she filed an order with the court, demanding that my boyfriend allow her to have authoritative decision on all matters regarding the dentist (note that despite 50/50 custody, because of my bf's income level, he is required to pay 70/30 for any treatment). We surmised that this was her way of getting back at him for bring me to another event in their son's life, and since she couldn't outright ban me from being there, she took ahold of another matter to turn into a big deal, and still create stress in our lives.

It is very hard, what we go through, but the important thing is trying to work together with your boyfriend as a team. You ARE the main woman in his life now, and if he loves you, your opinion and happiness is important. His ex may be there for awhile, but the truth is her presence will lessen as the child grows up, and can take care of himself more, and becomes more involved in his own life. Most likely the child will sense the tension between his parents, and soon may not want either of them to be involved in his life. It is important to forge a bond with the child to some extend, because as they grow up, they may find you as a neutral party they can trust outside of their parents. If you stay with your boyfriend, and you end up marrying, becoming his wife will even more so seal the bond that you are the woman in his life, not her, as he was never married to her. This will give you even more precedent to be a determining and decision making individual in both the child's and your bf's life. And from there, when you decide to make your own family, the two of you can work together to figure out how the ex should be best put aside, and how best to separate her, but not the child, from your own lives.

It is very, very hard, I know. You just have to be strong, and with your boyfriend, be strong together. My best advice additionally is making sure you concentrate on your own life - your job, your friends, your family. Because the more you have that is important to yourself and your own life, the less you will worry about such matters. And if your boyfriend doesn't want to work with you to figure out how to best keep the ex out of your lives as much as possible, while still allowing the necessary communication for the child's sake, then maybe he isn't ready for a relationship. Remember, that too, that you are there by your own will. And if there is more pain then love there, then it is for you to decide whether being there is worth it or not.

I hope this helps you, and I wish you the best.

I feel the same way I'm 18 and my boyfriend is 23 I love him but he has a crazy baby mom that tells me things that make me not trust my boyfriend and just causes more problems for us... only that since I am young I always think to myself that I can do better and find myself a guy that can have me as his priority and not a little baby... also since their thing is not legal he hasn't seen his daughter in some time and I just see him sad and I can't help but know and think its because of me...