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No one (apparently) sees a problem in that this guy "made" his wife move out of the marital residence and then "allowed" her to return? Last I heard we were allowed to work and handle money and vote, too.
I'm not excusing her cheating but I can see a conflict here.
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marria...ml#post2018732
Wow. I don't even know what more to say to that one.
Yeah I read that to Judy. If I told my wife that I was making her leave she would flip me the bird and go on with her day. If she did decide to leave on her own you better believe she will come back whenever she wanted.
Man say go.
Man say come.
-grunt-
Sarah
Quote:
Originally Posted by mudweiser
On the floor!
"She says that I am the perfect match for her but on the other hand misses her indepedance"
No wonder that. Maybe she should "ask" to be treated with the same respect this owner of several companies affords himself.
Surprised someone didn't say "Me Tarzan, you Jane!"
My fiancé told me she wanted to eat somewhere she had never been before, I took her to the kitchen
Grrr. Not you Chuck, the OP of that thread. ;)
If my husband told me to leave it would be a case of looks actually killing. No way, not going to happen.
So the wife made a mistake, we can all agree that it was a whopper and yes, she should be sorry if she wants to save her marriage, and from the sound of things she is sorry, although not sorry enough for him. :(
What is she supposed to do, grovel at his feet, beg his forgiveness, offer up her body as a sacrifice to prove that she's faithful and loves him? Come on! This is 2009, not 1809! Ooh, make her wear the scarlet letter A! Yes, let's go backwards, not forwards. Just shoot me if that happens, I'll be killed within minutes anyway with my big mouth. ;)
I can't believe that some people still think they have the right to boss around someone else. If I were her then her hubby would have gotten a swift kick in the arse, a suitcase in one hand and me pointing to the door. If he wants to be alone there are plenty of hotels that can offer that for him.
Grrr. :(
Actually, I kind of got the impression that that was exactly what he wanted...
I agree with you 100%
I really don't see any problem.
Have you ever been in a situation the Poster described?
I know if I had TOLD my wife to leave on the night she told me she cheated me... yeah, she would have left.
Even though my wife is one tough righteous woman.
She may not be up on woman's rights or issue like you and I are (yes, I am a Liberal).. she sure knows how to give me an earful of where her line is.
My point is the situation is more predominant over the women's rights issue.
BTW, after 40 years on this planet and trying to understand marriages and relationships (married for 18 years)... I have come to the conclusion 50/50 marriages and the natural order of martial relationships, is that the MAN has to be the Leader of the household. Women's right (on the extreme level) is actually bad for a marriage... just as the extreme case of abuse by a man in the relationship.
I believe we tipped the scale over too much in the mind's of man, in which their template is that of a whimp, chump, Nice Guy. Someone a woman will eventually cheat on, because of the lack of a man in her life/ shoulder to cry on. Let's face it, a Man and a Woman are not created equal. Her needs and his needs are totally different in a relationship. Her for needing security and the constant reassurance of "do you Love me?" His for needing respect, no matter how many times he has failed.
There is a difference between martial and marital relationships. I think you are describing a martial relationship, albeit unintentionally.
If your wife wants to be TOLD what to do and it works for both of you, fine. It apparently would not work for several of "us."
But, again, maybe it doesn't work for both of you because I see she has already cheated on you - https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marria...ml#post2076139.
Are you KIDDING, SVImager?
Really?
MY household (been with my hubby for 13 years) is 50/50. We share the work, the bills, the finances, the decisions. The ONLY times we had problems in our relationship is when one of us wasn't contributing our 50%, leaving the other to pick up the slack (and taking that for granted, to boot!)
You better believe that my husband KNEW better than to tell me to leave when I cheated on him (VERY long story--not getting into it here), that he would have never seen me again--but he WOULD be paying for it.
Instead, because he sees me as his EQUAL, we worked it out (with help, of course), and are now closer than most couples I know.
We don't need to go backwards to men having to be in charge, and women needing security and men needing respect.
Respect and security are both EARNED, but by BOTH genders.
But, again, maybe it doesn't work for both of you because I see she has already cheated on you - https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marriag...ml#post2076139.
Oooo... that's a low blow.
I was the 50/50 and more before the affair.
The Man she cheated with, was a total A-hole... I am saying he full blown yelled at his wife in public with 8 other neighbors watching at a bar.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Synnen
Hey, that is Great.
I hope it continues to work out for you guys.
The Unconditional Respect and Unconditional Love comes from the book "His needs, Her needs." and is in the Bible. (I've been avoiding from quoting the Bible as a source since some people are not Christians.)
This is what is hardwired into us.
A man doesn't ask "Do you love me?"
A man wants your support no matter what. "I know that was bad outcome, but I will be here by your side."
I have 39 years on this planet, 14 years of marriage, with hubby for 19 years, almost 20. I can tell you right now that our marriage is 50/50. If he ever tried to be the "leader" in this house, he'd get booted on his arse so fast he wouldn't know what hit him.Quote:
BTW, after 40 years on this planet and trying to understand marriages and relationships (married for 18 years)... I have come to the conclusion 50/50 marriages and the natural order of martial relationships, is that the MAN has to be the Leader of the household. Women's right (on the extreme level) is actually bad for a marriage... just as the extreme case of abuse by a man in the relationship.
I am equal and expect to be treated that way.
Women cheat on nice guys? That's your theory? Women cheat on jerks too. Men cheat more then women, so what of your nice guy theory in that respect?Quote:
I believe we tipped the scale over too much in the mind's of man, in which their template is that of a whimp, chump, Nice Guy. Someone a woman will eventually cheat on, because of the lack of a man in her life/ shoulder to cry on. Let's face it, a Man and a Woman are not created equal. Her needs and his needs are totally different in a relationship. Her for needing security and the constant reassurance of "do you Love me?" His for needing respect, no matter how many times he has failed.
If this works for you, great. It doesn't work for me or most of the women I know. I refuse to walk ten steps behind a man because he has a penis and needs to feel superior. It's just not going to happen.
FYI, I've never cheated on my nice guy husband, nor has he cheated on me. It's called a relationship, not a job.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Altenweg
Hey that is Great for you.
I hope your marriage is a successful lifetime marriage.
Ok... I am lost... where did I refer a relationship as a job.
You know you sound like my wife... during the 14th/15th year of our marriage.
She is very strong willed too. I Love her dearly and I trust her dearly.
She said those exact words "he'd get booted on his arse so fast" about cheating to me and to her sister-in-law when her brother had an innocent dinner with a female instructor.
So What happened??
That same strong willed wife, demanded Girls night out.
I was reluctant but had to comply against my uneasy feelings.
When she comes home after 3 AM and twice after 5 AM, I didn't sleep at all.
We talked about the uneasy feelings I have with the situation.
I was the perfect husband (branded by her), because I capitulated to what she ask.
We both work. I make breakfast, make lunches, and dinner (not microwaved dinners). I do the laundry and clean. It is not like I don't put in 50%... I actually do more. We have good communications.
You are not in search of answers "why" like I am.
You are not in need to come from the angle/ Point of View to the problem of female infidelity like I am. Only because it is not personal to you and there isn't a motivation for you to ( and I hope you never have the need to).
Yes, for us (you and me) to reflect the problem from our own personal view ONLY is wrong... but that is my only view that I have right now to build my theory/ model on.
So, my questions are:
Haven't we already achieved Women's Rights?
How far does the Women's Right issue have to go in order to say Ok it is done?
Is pushing Women's Right further than where it is today, detrimental to marriages or to the point of stepping on the man's role in a relationship?
Is the mainstream Nice Guy a product of pushing Women's Rights too far?
Is there a Natural Balance of Gender Roles that is thrown out of balance for an artificial set of Gender Roles?
The Nice Guy wouldn't cheat on his wife, even after the discovery of his wife's affair.
They just don't have the drive to do it... It is not in their Personality. They tend to be needy and want to please their wives. In which, I also learned these are traits that are against attracting your wife.
The Jerk would be too controlling and since it is an extreme... would either attract her or push the marriage to failure with or without cheating.
Coming from the angle that I see things, I understand your opposition to my views. I have a hard time with this knowledge myself. Secular studies have shone it and the Bible have reference the male role. The Man has to be a leader... not the Leader... but must take lead. It is what attract woman.
Note: We are talking about theories here... I don't beat my wife nor do I ask her to get me a beer ( I have two daughters to do that... JK). As a matter of fact, I am the one running upstairs and downstairs to get her glass of fresh squeezed lemon water.
I believe the battle is in the minds of Men, believing that pleasing their wives is the way to lasting attraction and passion... which it is not.
The Ultimate question is "Why are there so many divorces?"
Not the cheating, but the lost of feelings for each other. Maybe, the answer is against the extremes.. you can't be too much of a Jerk and you can't be too much of a Nice Guy.
I think you missed that I DID cheat on my husband.
He's a VERY nice guy--treats me like a princess.
At the time I cheated, he took me for granted, didn't talk to me anymore, and essentially put his needs before my own. It's a very long story.
BUT--he BECAME the nice guy he is today BECAUSE he nearly lost me.
Now we BOTH work on our marriage.
You can most definitely be too much of a jerk.
And there's a big difference between a nice guy and a doormat.
This is the main difference between us. I don't believe in the bible.Quote:
Coming from the angle that I see things, I understand your opposition to my views. I have a hard time with this knowledge myself. Secular studies have shone it and the Bible have reference the male role. The Man has to be a leader... not the Leader... but must take lead. It is what attract woman.
My husband and I work together for the good of our family. We don't have "roles" per se. He's not the manly man that brings home the bacon and then sits back while I cook it. We both work, we both help around the house, we both raise our kids, we're a team.
We don't need a "boss" which is what it sounds like you're saying, which is also why I stated that marriage isn't a job. No, you didn't actually say those words, but that's what you're making it sound like.
My marriage is a union of equals. I wouldn't boss him around or rule over him any more then he would rule over me. That won't ever change, it's not in me to cow tow to anyone. I'm not a submissive person, it wouldn't end well if anyone tried to force me into that position.
If you and your wife have come to an agreement that works for both of you, then great, that works for you. It doesn't, and never will, work form me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SVImager
Again - I don't think the very advice you offered on another thread worked for you. Your wife cheated. I don't cross-posting is a low blow. If you post it, expect it to be read. Not the least uncommon around here to read other posts to see where someone is coming from. You'd be amazed by the number of people who post totally different stories on different threads.
Concerning the person your wife had her affair with - your wife had an affair behind your back and presumably lied to you on at least one occasion, you being the "nice guy" in this scenario (by your own description). The man she picked for the affair was (in your own words) a total "a-hole." She also picked a friend/neighbor, not a stranger.
I'll tell you what I tell the men I date who are divorced and spend the evening tearing their ex-wives apart - "You married her. If she's such a loser, what are you?" Your wife must have seen something in this man. And if she took up with a total "a-hole" what does that make her?
Sorry to be harsh but you are looking for someone to say something that I don't think you are going to hear, whatever that may be.
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