Hi

I am 28. I found out 1 week ago my wife of 3 years cheated on me for 1 night with a guy after a party who she does not even know his name. I have been through a rollercoaster of emotions. She says I did nothing wrong and am the perfect husband. She says it felt good for that small amount of time "to have the attention of someone new" and was really drunk. She says she is going through a "funk". I made her leave for a couple of days and then let her retrun. Though I have gotten angry for a couple of days we are living together as humans fine. If anything much better than I would have thought. The problem is she will not talk to me about her feelings. When ever I try to bring it up she either says she can't "talk about it every second of the day"

She has asked to see a counselor. She says that I am the perfect match for her but on the other hand misses her indepedance sometimes and sees others who seem to have that "spark" 24/7. Neither one of us are "mushy people" If anything I am more mushy than her. She says she thinks she wants to be with me the rest of her life and will "kill herself" if she realizes in 10 years what a horrible mistake she has made.

I want her to just run up and hug me and say " I screwed up and will spend the rest of my life showing you how much I love you" But I don't see that happening.

Is this funk a real thing? Am I just blind to what is going to happen? She is not staying for the money. She has a good career and I own several companies. Either one of us could live on our own no problem. We have always had our own bank accounts with our own bills so we wouldn't fight about money.

So confused? Any thoguht?

In my mind this sums up the entire situation: " I made her leave for a couple of days and then let her retrun.. "

Maybe she's looking for a partner, not a boss.

Man, this has got to be tough on you. I truly feel for you. She NEEDS to apologize and come give you a hug and say how bad she feels, and that she's made the biggest mistake of her life.

I hope one day it will come to that. But as far as her having to pay for her selfish infidelity for LIFE, that's asking too much. If you can find it in your heart to forgive her, then work together through it. If she promises that it was just a one time thing, you'll need to get on with your lives. It's simply not healthy to have something like that hanging over her head, and weighing on your heart. I strongly suggest going to counseling, what have you to lose? You'll have to ask yourself if you can ever trust her totally again.

As far as the funk, and her seeing other people having a great relationship ALL the time, that's not what she needs to concentrate on. She needs to work with you to find some common ground on which to rebuild your love and trust. And even the best relationships have their problems. Sleeping with another guy was going to make your relationship better? Very weak excuses.

You said that she was drunk. Does she have a drinking problem? Does she always act so irresponsible when she does drink?

No, I don't think she has a drinking problem. We are together all week and I think I would know. It is common for us to have drinks on the weekend or a glass of wine during the week. I just think the drunk part might have been the difference between acting or not acting that night. I think there was a problem before that night. She says she is not sure how long she has felt in this funk. I am not sure if it is that the honeymoon has gone away?? Or because she grew up with separated parents that she figures this will happen? A year ago she wanted to start having kids?? Now many of her friends have had their first kids or are pregnant. She met some new friends who are all single or just dating. She is a couple of years younger than me. Is it to early for her to be going through some mid-life crisis?

You should definitely see a couples counsellor together to try to sort out the problems. The issues here are very unclear, because she's confused about what she wants. A neutral third party can really assist you.

As for her cheating you, you seem to have forgiven her so easily that she doesn't see it as a problem anymore. Who knows when she'll cheat again seeing that you forgive her so easily anyway.

Finally, for a marriage to work, it takes hard work from both people invovled. It sounds like she's more concerned about what "what ifs" rather than working on rebuilding your trust and strenthening the marriage.

I hate to say it, but you're definitely losing her and professional help is definitely required.

Had to spread the rep judy, but yeah. You "made her leave", "let her return" and why does she have to "ask to see a counselor"?

Yeah, cheating on you was bad. Big mistake. But spending the rest of her life making it up to you? She's your wife, not a martyr.

No one has a problem that the wife has to "ask" to see a counsellor and that she leaves the marital residence when told to do so and returns when OP allows her to do so?

This is neither a marriage nor a partnership - this is a dictatorship.

Not an excuse to cheat... but not in my lifetime. Last I heard women could come and go at will, handle money and even vote!

I see the OP losing control in a marriage based on control.

She explained herself to you once. Anything after that is unnecessary. She gave you details, maybe true, maybe not.

I'd worry less about her "drinking problem" and more about you "control problem."

I do matrimonal surveillances. The "I was too drunk to know what I was doing" statement is a very common defense. Sometimes it works. Many times it does not.

BUT if OP can't get over this then it's time to move on. I think both people are victims - OP and his wife.

Let me rephrase. I asked her if counseling would be a good idea and at first she said "no" she just had to figure things out. After she saw how hurt and angry I was, she asked if we could go to counseling. She was not asking, as in "for permission" to see a counseler. My choice of phrasing above could have been better. I love her with all my heart. I do not feel I am controlling. She has always been allowed to come and go as she pleases and gets everything she wants. We have separate finances as we thought it would be good for me to pay all the bills and she would save and pay for vacations, the boat, the dogs, a savings for the day we have kids, etc.

Also, Yes I was very angry for the first couple of days and she knew it. I can't stay angry forever. Without her telling me how she feels and not wanting to talk about it makes it hard for me to know what to feel. I go from sad one minute, to angry, to hopeful, to crushed. Its only been a week.

I want things to go back to how things uses to be. I want a happy wife, I want a happy marrige, I want to have kids and grow old with her. I love her so much, and she says she loves me, but what to do now.

In one word, counseling.

Counseling for the marriage and individual counseling for her. I think she has deeper issues than a general 'funk' would imply.

Things are never going to go back to the way they used to be. They can be better, of course, but after this type of incident I don't see things going back to the way they used to be.

Again - you basically threw her out of the marital home, you "let her" come back when YOU felt she had been punished enough OR you were no longer angry (and I have no idea where she went in the meantime) - and you don't see this as controlling?

I agree - counselling is the only way to go. You apparently can't talk to each other and this isn't going to go away by itself.

Do I think she has a drinking problem? No. Do I see some other character flaw, not a disease - yes.


I wouldn't tell you how I feel either because I wouldn't want to be out on the street... again at your whim.

Again - counselling. Individual and couples.

I remember many years ago a very good friend of mine had a drunken one-night-stand at a conference only about 6 months into a new marriage. She was in her early twenties and he was a bit older, similar to your situation.

We talked about it a lot at the time because she confided in me. She was madly in love with her husband but feeling overwhelmed by the thought of being married, the loss of 'freedom' and feeling that in some way, by being married, she had lost attractiveness as a female. Alcohol, her youth and an attentive suitor conspired in her downfall.

None of these things of course were justification for a one night stand. But it happened and she regretted it intensely whilst recognizing that there were things that needed to be addressed in her attitude towards her marriage.

Your wife's one night stand and her 'funk' is an indication that something is amiss in your relationship and that it needs to be addressed. It may be that you both have unrealistic expectations about what being married means, or that you have very different expectations. A counselor could really assist you to talk about yourselves, and hopefully to each other.

It doesn't have to be the end of the world or the end of the relationship.

In my friend's case, she chose not to tell her husband as she felt that it was her moment of madness and that she needed to deal with it on her own. Three children and many years later, they are still happy and together.

It is very hard to come to terms with the fact that your spouse has cheated on you. The emotional rollercoaster is a hell ride.
You have entered the first round and trying as hard as you can to make sense of this.
Unfortunately there is no real sense. What has been done has been done.
Your wife didn't just land in bed with a guy for nothing. To get further you have to stop the ride for a few minutes. Really look hard at your situation and be honest. Really honest only you know the full truth about YOU!
All marriages have their quirks, nobody is perfect.
You say that your wife said you were perfect in every way Warning sign nr 1... she wouldn't have strayed if this was true
You say you both have your own accounts etc etc Warning sign nr 2... How much do you dare to share?
You say that she fealt good for the one night Warning sign nr 3... what is she missing is it emotional or physical? Have you two been bickering recently do you nag each other over bagatelles, idiotic things, most people do.
You say she won't talk to you Warning sign nr 4... I think she has told you a lot just from the above warning signs... what else do you need to know? Sorry to be sarcastic but is it the colour of his boxers? You don't need any more details, the size of his manhood his performance... Warning sign nr 5 you are making this into a competition, beware that will either hurt you more or really take this disagreement to a much deaper level. Do you know yourself well enough?
She said she wanted to go to counseling... warning sign nr 6 She wants you to go too... maybe what she doesn't dare reveal about you will come out in counseling... Have you considered that counseling couples means counseling both?
If you are willing to save this I urge you to find out what you could have done better to meet her needs. Your marriage can be saved. Maybe this unfortunate affair can help you both to understanding each other better and honestly it can actually help make your relationship stronger if BOTH of you really want that.
If so you need to learn forgiveness. That will mean never throwing this in her face in the future.
Can you do it?
Good luck

I don't think that booting her out for a few days considering what she did, wasn't anything I wouldn't do, if I were in that situation.

It is better to have even a few days apart to think about things, and start talking again with calm, clear heads.

In a good marriage you can have all the independence you want, the freedom to live your life and reach your goals, with a supportive partner. Over time, the trust and respect and love just deepens.

If you have that already, and still feel that you have a need to 'find that spark' again, or re-live the excitement of being single, along with the single life, then there is a problem with that person, not necessarily the marriage itself.

I don't know what gets into people that they can so easily blame their partners for their lack of commitment or communication when these feelings come up. Refusing to talk about what you need or want is pretty basic to any relationship. If only one partner is wanting to listen and understand, and the other is refusing, then how do you fix it.

Somehow, when the 'independence' thing comes up, and a partner feels they are missing something, they don't like to share, because they are, at least psychologically, living that idea or plan that somehow, the grass is going to be greener on the other side.

Likely, if things are as you say, she will find out they aren't.

She sounds like a selfish person to me, and needs to get her priorities straight. The least she owes you is conversation.

If she needs to 'find herself', then all sorts of fault will be coming your way, because that has to be justified somehow. "He didn't pay enough attention to me" "he's always leaving the toilet seat up" "he won't do anything special or romantic" blah blah blah

I would insist on counselling, if only to see how serious she is about the marriage, and if she is willing and capable of doing what needs to be done in order to save it.

To be in a marriage where only one person wants it to work, is doomed.

Looking over my last post it can quite easily be misunderstood that I think that this was your fault but please don't think that.
I don't agree with infidelity in any shape or form. That is the worst hurt you can inflict on anyone. However, I was looking at it from the point of view that you wanted to save your marriage. In that case you have to see everything from all angles. You even have to see if you can do things better.
Sorry if there was any misunderstanding. My apologies.

Jake - I edited you a little bit but didn't change the wording of what remains.


I have no trouble with time apart. I have a problem with "my" husband booting me out and inviting me back, depending on the level of his hurt and his whim. That's all I was saying. If she had decided to leave I would have a different opinion - but she didn't. And I don't even know if she had a place to go. This type of behavior (throwing the person out) leads to everyone knowing a couple's business (because of them is seeking a place to live) and I think that is also destructive.

But as far as if only one person is trying, absolutely agree with you!

Don't be too hard on yourself.
For your marriage to work your wife needs to understand why she had the need to stray.
Just step back and observe, you will very quickly see that you are trying so hard to understand what has happened that you will not be able to see how you are reacting.
At this time it is really easy to be misunderstood, when a person is hurt they go into survival mode . At this stage it is very easy to take on the "why me" attitude.
Try to understand that you have done nothing to force her to do what she did. This was her choice and the reason lies in her weaknesses.
If you push her for the answer while she is feeling ashamed her brain will try to compensate and come up with all sorts of stupid reasons. This is a dangerous time for the survival of the relationship as many of the reasons she will tell herself are her own survival mechanisms taking over.
She may even convince herself that something died along the way, the all too famous " I love you but no longer in love with you lines... these all serve one purpose and one purpose only. Her brain is trying to convince her that what she did was OK, it was justified. If she doesn't manage this she will be stressed and in a turmoil. Reasoning always gives an easy way out.
Tell her that you will give her the space to think things through that you will forgive her, but to be able to do that you need her to acknowledge what she has done is not acceptable and that you will need her to come to you ( within 2 weeks for example ) and promise never to do this again. She needs to promise that she will communicate with you if she feels that things are going bad. At least then you can make decisions about your future together.

I don't think she is ready to deal with your hurt, and hers to. But whatever you do, be mindful of your own actions, and give the emotional dust for you both, time to settle.

I get that your hurt, and confused, and your mind, and heart are racing out of control, but it does no good in the long run for either of you, to act out of anger, and impulse at this time.

I think this is a time to back off any pressure for answers, and make an environment to talk honestly, and calmly, your goal, and a third party (counselor) can help you through this very painful emotional process.

We already know what she did was wrong for whatever reason, and beating her over the head over it will get you nowhere.

Getting help and support, to find solutions, and seeing what the real problems are that led to this selfish behavior, is what's needed, not emotional fighting, or impulsive actions.

I believe her cheating was but a symptom of a greater problem, and either you work together through it in a positive mature manner, or your doomed.

I read some of your other posts - https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/other-...ml#post2064976.

First, you are aware this is adult board, right?

Second, you have no idea what I would say or do if the situation were reversed, no idea at all.

Posting in two names?

"YOu are perfect" haha.. that is the "It is not you, it is me" speech.

She doesn't know why she cheated, and it is so perfect.
Well, Read "The Ways of a Superior Man" by David Deida.

You will find your answer there.

I found that book to preach male domination over females - did you read it before or after you wife cheated on you? Do you feel following the book caused her to cheat or helped you recover after the cheating?

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marria...ml#post2076139