Me and my ex girlfriend dated for almost 4 years and she recently broke it off with me almost 2 months ago now.. when she came to me with it I was really shocked she didn't want to talk about what we could do to work on things that for the month and half previous we started having more little fights that were really over nothing and I think we kind of drifted apart... and now she says I treated her like crap and she's not interested in getting back together with me no matter what I say or do to tell her I want to work it out I've never been in more pain in my life... but whatever I say its not good enough... I asked her how she could just walk out of my life my families life and she said you make me out to be the bad guy.. and could I imagine what she must have felt to just walk away and that if I felt that she just walked away that it further proved how much I took her for granted... well since we broke up she's been drinking and smoking she's been so drunk at times she's blacked out or puked are those typical in someone who is OK with moving on... I mean I'm not OK with it and I really haven't gone to drinking at all but it still hurts so bad sometimes.. so it makes me question what this is really all about.. I know I'm not perfect and I sometimes said some things that I shouldn't have but for the most part I was always there for her with family things and just hangin out with her I've apologised for the things I did wrong and I feel like I've suffered enough... im feeling so lost right now life is so weird without her... I don't get how she can be so strong through it and me so weak... unless the reason she appears that way is because of the heavy drinking... I just don't know what to do I can't get away from her because she's always around our group you can imagine in four years we are all pretty tight.. I know she doesn't have anyone else and when we talk its always friendly although when we talk she is usually drunk... she ignores most of my texts too... I really want her back and I just want to work through this thing but she doesn't want to... what should I take from this I haven't been able to get through a day without thinking about her a lot and trying to talk to her anyway I can... is there any hope of getting back together with her? HELP IM GOING CRAZY HERE

I'm sorry to say, there is nothing you can do here! She doesn't want to be with you and even though you're in pain you need to find a way to accept this. I know the rest of what I'm about to write might sound harsh, but I'm not saying it to be mean!

The first rule for you should be; that right now you need to stop worrying and thinking about what she is doing and you need to start worring and thinking about what you are doing!

She should no longer be a priority for you, you are no longer a priority for her. Also the impression you have that she is stronger and you are weaker... well she is the one that broke up with you, and my experience is that OFTEN the person who breaks of the relationship is more prepared then the person who is being dumped, because they have had time to think it through. Also they have already started to let go and started to let go.

Yes, she has been in your life for 4 years, yes, you are used to caring about her, but she is no longer your responsibility and my guess is even though you seem worried about her drinking and social life (her having no one?), you need to stop this and worry about you!

The first thing you should do is:

1. Start no contact (NC) ( See link underneath!)
2. Get rid of all things that are connected with her directly; pictures, letters etc.
3. Start making you a priority. Yes, you are allowed to be sad and broken, but at some point you need to pick yourself up and move on with your life. Moving on is a process so we have to start at scratch!
4. Read the NC rules we have on AMHD, it explains what NC is and how to do it!

You should go on to AMHD's relationships and look at some of the stickies we have there:

Relationships - Ask Me Help Desk

You should look at NC rules and FAQs

You should also take a look at what to expect when you get dumped!

You should to this ASAP!

5. Stop contacting her, delete her email address and her phone number. Do not sender her any texts or call her. If she usually only talks to you when she's drunk and ignores you the rest of the time, well that is not a good sign for you and it is giving you false hope that the two of you will get back together... which you won't.

Hope this was of some help! I'll be checking back!

Roxy

Yes this all makes sense roxy and your advice is exactly what I should be doing to move on.. and I'm sure its only normal to hold on to hope just because of all the memories and love you have in your heart for that someone... she was family and it feels like she died or something even though she is still very there but she won't even look at me when we are out at get togethers anymore just no emotion what so ever its scary it's the hardest thing I've ever dealt with in my life change is not easy I guess

I'm glad you realized that you should be focusing on yourself!

And no it's not easy! I was in a 5 year relationship that ended 2 years ago and it was hard to let go of, he was my family and when it all fell apart it wasn't easy to deal with (although It should be said that after trying to fix our relationship for 8 months I was the one who suggested that we should call it quits and we both agreed) but it wasn't easy for either one of us! But I can tell you that now, 2 years later we have both moved on.

But you can get through this!

And trust me, you are a lot more stronger then you think!

But to get through this you need to take it step by step, day by day.. cause it will be a slow healing process, but one day, you will be on the other side of this!

Have you looked at the threads I suggested? Cause I really think it will be helpful for you!

If you'd like I can make a step by step list so you'll have a place to start!

Yeah if you could that would be great

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Originally Posted by dwhizz

i dont get how she can be so strong

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Huh? Where is she "so strong"?? She sounds like a mess.

Do your best to treat her like any other girl. Even ignore her at times. DO NOT talk at all with her about your relationship. Instead, talk about puppies and kittens, about pizza, about favorite movies -- you know, nothing serious.

Okay so here I go:

1. Get rid of pictures and old letters etc. (you don't nec need to put them out with the garbage, but you should at least find somewhere to store it. Once you have stored it, you should NOT look at the pics or letters!)

2. Delete old messages and emails

3. Do not send her texts or call her, do not connact her on any social site (facebook, myspace etc.) do not IM or talk on MSN... not right now.

4. Start doing things for you! Make a list if you need to of things that you enjoy to do and that can be done with friends/family and on your own

5. Start working out, pick up a new hobby, or start doing and old hobby that you might have neglected over time.

Do you have a lot of close friends?

Do you go to school or work?

Some find it helpful to throw themselves into school work/their job... to take their mind of things and then find other ways to occupy their mind when their at home... or rather keeping busy, at least it the beginning so that they aren't that much alone.

I ran into her last night in a crowd of mutual friends I didn't look at her I acted like she wasn't there and at one point she sat in the booth a foot in front of me and when I was ready to leave she tried waveing good bye to me and I just ignored her and walked away I also just deleted her from Facebook was all this childish or necessary

If its going to help you to recover, then it was necessary!

Personally I also deleted my ex from Facebook, I even had to block him (that way he can't see me on Facebook and I can't see him, that is when I write on a mutual friends wall/pictures etc he can't see it and vice versa.)

If you are at the point where you need to get her out of your life for now (ignoring her, removing her form facebook) then that is absolutely a good decision!

Personally I do think that NC is the best way of going about this!

I still feel so bored and helpless I just can't get cumfortable being out by myself... I really miss her a lot

Do you have friends that you can go out with?

Or that can keep you occupied some nights out of the week?

Cause that will help you I think!

One of the things that probably happened here, is she had probably had made up her mind to leave long before she did.

You would have not seen it coming because it would have taken some time. Perhaps every argument in the recent past just convinced her more and more to leave, and you were inadvertently hanging yourself without even knowing it.

But whatever she needed to be sure of what she needed to do, she already had. She was emotionally used to the idea, psychologically ready to go, and when she finally told you, she had already been 'gone' for some time.

You probably didn't have a chance, she kept her agenda to herself.

It particularly hurts when things are so wrong, and she is feeling like ending the relationship, that she doesn't tell you about it. Let you know that she is that unhappy, or reach out and communicate her needs. But she chose not to.

She is long past the point you are at right now. She's out partying and having a great time, and is over you as far as she's concerned.

As the others have said, get rid of all the contact methods, and accept that it is over. The hurt you are going through now, as painful as it is, will help you realize and accept this chapter of your life is now closed.

I broke the rules again I texted her twice today... we have been broken up for almost two months

This feels like an impossible situation I can't stop thinking about her and my life with her I miss her so damn much

When you think about her, go find something else to do. Call a friend, see if he wants to hang out. Go out for pizza, go see movies, if you're into games have game nights. Find ways to have fun. You're going to have a harder time getting over her if you have too much idle time.

I 100% agree with the previous advice though and as Jake said it sounds like she was ready to walk away before she actually did. It probably wasn't easy for her, but she did it. It sounds like that was the best thing for you both if you argued so much toward the end. That's a pretty good indication that things are over.

This isn't 4 years wasted by the way, this is a learning experience. Hang in there! You'll be fine and in the meantime you can talk to us.

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Originally Posted by dwhizz

this feels like an impossible situation i can't stop thinking about her and my life with her i miss her so damn much

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In 50 years she will be enjoying her grandchildren and you will have what?

Go back and read the thread again..

When you have that done,read the stickies on NC.

No contact is hard,and sometimes you really struggle,but in the long run,nc works,and a day will come and you will wonder what you ever saw in her.

Start nc again.

You will never get over this if you continue o make contact.

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

In 50 years she will be enjoying her grandchildren and you will have what?

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What do you mean?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by dwhizz

what do you mean?

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You'll still be spinning your wheels, hoping she will answer your telethought--or whatever kind of communication there will be then.

How does drowning oneself in a bottle equal strength. Support yourself and you will strong enough to support others. Look to her for the value and the strength of the relationship and you won't have balance. It requires two people looking reality dead straight on to balance things. When you grab a pen and piece of paper write down things you could have done differently. This will put it into prospective. For the next relationship, whether it be rekindling things with her or someone else, learn and focus on learning rather than simply having someone back into the same situation. If she is unhealthy it could potential burden both of you. The same goes for you. -- Be well, EM